How many times have you wondered, “How can I get my spouse to ___?” Read this book? Listen to this tape? Quit playing on the computer and talk to me? Quit yelling at me? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? At times we may wish to control our spouse—what they do or what they say or how they act—so that they would do things OUR way! After all, life would sure be a lot easier if they would just cooperate and do it our way! Often posters here on MB ask this question…how can I MAKE my spouse do something that I want them to do? Here’s the short answer: you can’t.
Before we go any further, for the purposes of this article we are going to define two concepts: FUSION and UNION. These are not the only definitions of “fusion” and “union” (for example, there are scientific definitions, etc.), but regarding marriages these are the definitions that will be valuable in our articles. FUSION is two incomplete people blending intimately or melding into one whole, new identity. For our definition, the two people that are fusing would be somewhat incomplete without each other—they are not distinct on their own. UNION is two complete, distinct, individual people joining together for a common purpose or association. For our definition, the two people that are uniting are complete without each other; they are distinct on their own; and they recognize their partner as a worthy, equal individual.
Two other terms we’ll use are SEPARATE and DISTINCT. Once again, these will not be the only definitions for “separate” and “distinct” but regarding this article these are the definition that will be valuable. SEPARATE means unconnected, detached behavior; DISTINCT means behavior that is unique and exclusive to the individual. Thus, a healthy marriage is a UNION of two people who are distinct but not separate.
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Let’s look at a marriage that consists of a FUSION of two people a little more closely. Ideally, before the two spouses got married, they were two independent, mature, adults capable of self-sufficiency as distinct people. Quite often, what happens in a FUSION situation is that the two partners are not complete and they are looking for someone to “complete them.” Rather than dealing with their own issues or loving themselves, the incomplete person looks to someone else to “make me feel loved” or “cover up for my defects” or “make me an adult.” Thus the two incomplete partners come together, not as distinct individuals but as partial personalities that need to depend upon one another to make up for what is lacking. The two become so entwined in each other that they FUSE, and in FUSION they do not create two healthy individuals but rather two incomplete, dependent entities.
We call this FUSION “Entangled Dependence.” It is sometimes called co-dependence, but that term has been overused by the addiction industry as a blanket term to include anyone who is not an addict, and frankly that’s not quite accurate in the marriage that FUSES two into an Entangled Dependence. Some different examples would be:
1. Both partners are passive. They don’t speak up or aren’t transparently honest, and they act in a passive-aggressive way when they are forced into a corner.
2. Both partners are aggressive and act out by physically, verbally or emotionally abusing each other.
3. One partner tries to control and manipulate the other, even if it’s “for their own good.” The other partner allows themselves to be unheard and overridden.
4. One partner thinks of themselves as superior (morally or intellectually) and “tells” the other what to do—in other words, one knows “the right way” to do everything! The other partner thinks of themselves as inferior or second rate, and just does what their spouse says to avoid the conflict.
5. One partner has Power Over the other—using force and fear to “make” their partner do things. The other partner gives away their power, does not use their voice to speak up for themselves, and allow themselves to be discounted.
A model of Entangled Dependence would be two people leaning on each other to hold each other up, and the load they are supposed to be carrying together is on the ground at their feet. They can not walk at that angle of leaning without falling over—they need the other to prop them up—and they use all their energy just leaning against each other to not fall down! There is blame and avoidance, and the one partner holds the other responsible for their choices. One partner thinks they are responsible to make the other partner happy. The load, which is the responsibilities of maintaining a healthy marriage and family, can not even be picked up because they are so busy holding each other up!
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Now let’s look at another example that’s a little bit of both: the union of two people who are separate. This marriage is an example of an unhealthy INDEPENDENCE. In this situation the two partners are SO autonomous and separate that they do not unite. Rather than becoming intimate and allowing their partner to meet their emotional needs, they maintain a barrier to uniting. They make decisions without considering their partner. Thus the two separate partners come together more like rivals, each with their own separate idea of what the marriage is supposed to be, and trying to force the other to fit their idea.
We call this kind of marriage INDEPENDENCE, and you may recognize Dr. Harley referring to this as Independent Behavior. Some different examples would be:
1. One partner stays late at work and doesn’t call to see if their partner has plans.
2. One partner takes off on a vacation without telling the other they’re even going!
3. One partner buys a house without consulting with the other.
A model of Independent marriage would be two people standing on their own, going opposite directions, and they fight over the load they are supposed to be carrying together. First one carries it all—then the other carries it all—and on the occasion they split it and each carry a load by themselves. They push against each other or pull away. Once again there is blame and lack of personal responsibility, but the one partner thinks their own happiness is paramount ahead of their duties to the relationship or family. The load, which is the responsibilities of maintaining a healthy marriage and family, is torn and twisted.
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Finally, let’s look at a marriage that consists of a UNION of two distinct people. Before the two spouses got married, they were two independent, mature, adults capable of self-sufficiency as a distinct person. In a UNION of two distinct partners, the two partners are complete and they have dealt with their own issues and love themselves. Thus the two complete partners come together, as distinct individuals each having unique abilities exclusive to that person. In UNION they create two healthy individuals who are distinct but not separate, united in intimacy.
Here are some examples of a healthy union:
1. Both partners are assertive. They speak up for themselves and are transparently honest. They create an atmosphere where it is safe to be honest.
2. Both partners consider the other when making decisions that will affect the marriage or the family.
3. Both partners recognize that the other is a completely different person, and that their partner’s opinion, views, and thoughts are just as valuable as their own.
A model of UNION of distinct individuals would be two people standing near each other going in the same direction, and the load they are supposed to be carrying together is shared equally between them. They decide together which direction to go, and then use their energies to each one focus on their own side of the load. There is personal responsibility and duty to the union. Each one recognizes they are responsible for their own happiness. The load, which is the responsibilities of maintaining a healthy marriage and family, is carried by both.
SO WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE QUESTION!?
The desire to “make” your spouse do something is a control issue. Now, in your opinion it may be in their best interest to stop the affair or fix the marriage or stop the drinking, but when you try to MAKE someone do something, it is an attempt to manipulate their behavior. It’s forcing someone to do what YOU think is best for THEM (or you!). They may not think it is best for them (in other words, they disagree), or they just flat out may not want to do it because they want to do what they want to do! Hey, lots of times people know something is wrong or bad or harmful, and they want to do it anyway! In reality, when someone does what you told them to do, it’s really not that you MADE them do it, it’s that they decided to do it to avoid the conflict, to shut you up, or for some other reason that they decided. Your demand coincided with their choice, but they still made the choice.
In a FUSED marriage, the entire relationship is made up of Selfish Demands: demanding that they fill a need in you, or them demanding that YOU change to fill a need in them. There may be capitulation once in a while to a demand, but it’s not Joint Agreement and so resentment builds.
In a union of SEPARATE individuals, there are very little demands in either direction because the two partners just do what they want to without considering each other. There is very little communication, you mostly likely have little or no desire to change or fill a need. There is no enthusiastic Joint Agreement because there is no joint activity.
In a UNION of DISTINCT individuals, there are respectful requests—not demands. The two partners recognize that their partner has opinions, beliefs and thoughts that are just as valid and valuable as their own. One may REQUEST that their partner read a certain book or listen to a certain tape, but rather than trying to get their spouse to do it, they give their partner the freedom to say “no.” It may be in the best interests of the partner to read the book…but the two realize that their partner has to learn or grow at their own speed in their own way, and that ultimately the choice (and the consequences of that choice) is up to their partner. There is enthusiastic Joint Agreement because both party’s views are respected.
So in conclusion, you can’t get “make” your spouse do something. The only person you can control is YOU! In fact, the need to “make” your spouse do something may be an indicator of the health of your relationship. You might want to consider asking yourself why you want to make your spouse do something. We would suggest that rather than focusing on your partner and what they need to do, focus on yourself and your own personal growth. Learn about boundaries and what you will and will not allow in your life (boundaries are around you, not around someone else). Focus on becoming who you are supposed to be. Don’t “make” someone else do something—it’s time to make yourself do something!
NEXT ARTICLE: WHAT IS REAL PLAN A??
~~FNCJ and DD
