I found out that my wife of seven years was having an affair with another married man. I want to reconcile differences (I kind of am unsure and part of me say don't do that) but really loved her, I don't know if I really can ever again. Besides I have really only known now for over 48 hours so I am still burning and even want to find another women just to treat my wife to my pain!
Can anyone help me, can I help myself?
When will the feelings of forgiveness and extreme emotional anguish stop see-sawing back in fouth at such an unpredictable and rapid rate.

JimP,

First things first take some time to think about things. You should make NO decisions in the state you are in right now. Don't say much, and step back a bit. I would strongly urge you to get some books: The first is Surviving an Affair by Harley and the His Needs Her Needs also by him. Also please read the articles on this site. They will give you insight to many things and they will help you see things more clearly.

I presume that the A is still going on right? If so, then pay particular attention to Plan A and the concepts of love busters. If you master these ideas you will find two things. One your marriage has a better chance of surviving, and two it will give you some concrete things to do in this period of time. I know you are angry, that is normal, but anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: pain, fear, frustration, etc. So stop and examine your anger and see what emotion is driving it.

Please do a lot of reading here, post and ask all of the questions you want, and give this time. It will take a lot of time and patience for your marriage to recover. I am talking year time scales as you will see in Harley's articles. I don't mean you feel like this for a year, but recovery takes awhile.

The first order of business is to get the A stopped. Plan A is the first step in this so please read about it.

Must go, but keep posting and asking questions.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

I am so with you. I cannot advise becuase I found out less than one hour ago that my partner is leaving me to go home to his country with another woman..........

Please just know my thoughts are with you......

Sorry

Hello,
I am sorry for you also... my thoughts go out to you in this tough time.
Feel free to write back, we seem to be at similar stages.
Best of Luck

Hi, thanks for your reply, I felt as if I was not going to receive any for a while.

Any way I appreciate your advice, part of the problem is my way in handleing situations especially like this one. I tend to be an individual who wants to take a problem on like grabing a bull by the horns. This angers my wife b/c she wants to let things subside, even just slide... but in the end this only internalizes problems and makes them come back stronger later. So I guess I press and this has over the years created quite a rift.

We met in H.S. and married after attending and spending all of our college days together. Now I am told that she married for all of the wrong reasons and that our relationship is juvenile. We both had never been completely sexual with anyone but each other (she messed around a little but no sex-int with anyone but me, I must kind of shamefully admit that she is and has been the only serious relationship I have ever had). She wanted the experience to "know what it would be like."

I guess I was neglectful and atypical to all of the articles that I read on this site (which I have found quite helpful). I guess I became way to comfortable in this relationship and time consumed and after having kids and buying a new home (bigtime fixer-upper/I did all of the reconstruction) we drifted in someways if not many ways. I guess this gave her the ammo she needed to pursue another man. I feel ashamed as a man and a husband that my wife would do this with another, but I guess I can be kind of nieve. All the while, I never saw this coming and t had taken place for a little over a year. She probably would never have told me if not for my young son not located her journal and plunked it down infront of me asking about mommy's stick figure drawing of her in a kind of lost road in a kind of love triangle. after much more pressing and attempted lies she came clean. Part of me wants to forgive and forget, but the other side is so P.O.'d that I want to leave her and probably would if not for my kids. She says she is sorry and that she had tried to break it off with the O.P. but was having a hard time. I requested that she call it off completely and never speak or see the man again, and she agreed... but how can I ever really trust her now.
I hurt so badly and initially thought of harming myself, but thankfully I am way over that... my children need a father and that set me straight. But these mood fluctuations and lack of sleep and eating are quickly taking their toll. I know I hurt her emotionally in many ways over the years, but what I am receiving and going through is ridiculous, I want to try but another side of me says kick to the curb and find a woman who will really love and appreciate me.
Therapy can't start fast enough! Years! my God I sure hope I can do this.
I look forward to any further advice you or others wish to offer.
Thanks.

JimP,

One of the things you can do is find a good pro-marriage counselor. It is hard to do this stuff on your own. There is an article on this site about selecting a good counselor. Next, go see a Doc and consider getting some anti-depressents for the short term. They will help take the edges off of the "rollercoaster ride" your emotions are going to be on for about 6 months. The dips will even out eventually, but it takes time.

Next, realize that you cannot FIX this. It is like a deep wound and it must heal, so don't pick at the scab OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You will see that once she withdraws from this guy and it will probably take about 3 months or more to fully withdraw you will here a lot of rewritten history. That will change as no contact remains in place. It is in the WS's script, and you are not the first to here the old "the marriage was a mistake" statement, I would hazzard a guess that about 50% of the betrayed spouses hear that line, and about 90% hear the every popular <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> "I love you but I am not in love with you."

I am telling you they have a script in centeral casting for the wS's male and female. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So until she is out of contact with OM, and out of withdrawal you are going to hear a lot of "fog" talk. If she is still in contact with OM, even by email, the counseling will not help much, but once NC is established a good counselor can really help, and whatever they cost they are cheaper than a divorce.

You are being challenged like you have never been challenged before and what you may not know yet, but we know here is that you can meet that challenge. While in plan A, you are allowed to state your boundaries and it is recommended, but do so with out love busting, and remember this quote
Avoid resentment, get things on the table, come here and talk and surely talk to your counselor. And yes it will take a year or two to truely recover, but given how long you two are likely to be married when all is said and done, it is still a small percentage, and if you two learn to handle this effectively it will allow you to rebuild your marriage better than it was before. It won't be the A that made it better it will be how you two respond to it that will.

Must go, but hang in there, do more reading, select a counselor and take your time.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JimP,

I am also sorry you are here, but this really is a wonderful place to find information, peace, hope, and also a nice place to vent!

I know exactly what you are going through(as so many seem to); my H and I met in H.S. went to college together, basically lived together there, and then got married shortly after. We had only been intimate with each other, and he had his affair to find "variety". I never cared that he was my one and only, that he was basically my only serious relationship, but he was. He felt like a loser almost our whole married life, even asked me to swing b/c of it(makes me feel swell, huh??)

I think that part, besides all the lies, was the toughest to get over, and still do not know if I am there. I believe our relationship to be special and sacred and knowing that we had beat the odds and stayed together all that time was special to me. Now it is blown to bits! But, I am forgiving slowly, and know that if you really want to work at it, and she does....then it can be done.

I am 8 months into recovery, my H's affair was already 2 weeks ended(well the PA part) when I found out. He has worked his *ss off to make this up to me, and has never been one of these WS so caught up in themselves to not see that his EN do not matter as much as mine in the healing( although I try to meet them wholeheartedly and loving as I can). That has been big for me, but I would not expect it....I have not seen it a lot on these boards. Even with him being the model FWS, I still cry at least once a day. I am mostly happy, but those "reality hits" moments are tremendously painful. It does get better from where you are, but it is constantly a choice to get better in those first few months( and still is in my bad times)....so just be prepared. I just wanted you see what it looks like down the road.

You have gotten some wonderful advice from people more experienced at it than me, so please drink it all in...people here saved my marriage more than once. Read, read, read...and YES, counseling!

I wish you all the best, and if I can help you in anyway, please just let me know!


True

Thanks, it is nice to see the people that wish me well and provide encouragment.
Last night we tried to be closer but the idea that the person sitting next to me had been all over another made me so angry. I almost felt I was going to have a break down. It comes and goes...
I guess as I wrote earlier that I emotionally neglected her... I never really knew that and would have changed wholeheartedly if told. That being said I am kind of being made to feel that this is my fault and that she hurts also, but she didn't communicate very well or remain true so how can our pain, anger, hurt, and resentment be similar?

My question to you is how did you now stay faithful over this time... I mean one of the first things I thought was the vengeful "payback" and a very strong desire to uncover this other person and destroy his marriage. Hate and anger for me have been so hard to control... I am by no means violent in anyway shape or form, but being vindicated in my mind sounds inviting. As I read I undersand that this too will pass and that I must stay on my own course. Just wondering on how you did it.
Thanks for advice JP

JL thank you, and I invite anymore advice.I am sure glad I no longer feel trapped and alone in my pain!

I have a therapy session, my 1st ever on Fri. I guess it can't come fast enough... I'll bring the guy coffee I expect to be there a while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks

Oops, you have not read all of the MB stuff. If you want to save YOUR OWN marriage you must tell the wife of OM ASAP, don't wait one more minute. Otherwise you are inviting the affair to continue and to have this guy make endless contact with your wife even if the Affair ends. Contact is a KILLER for recovery. Therefore, you need to enlist the help of the OM's wife. She will be your salvation and hopefully she will keep OM from contacting your wife.

I understand you. Like you----- my wife has been my only partner. We got together as virgins.

I'm not too sure how to get this all started, so I figured I would pick one and see what happens.
My fiancee and I were supposed to be getting married in November. I found out on August 1st that he had a one night stand with my sister. He is really sorry and feels extremely guilty, but I just can't seem to get over what he has done. If it were a stranger, I could probably forgive, but my sister!!!!! Please, if anyone has been in this situation, let me know what you did or if you haven't, any advice would be helpful.

Jim:

That's my brother's name <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

What you're feeling is soooo normal. What I did, was tell myself that I would give the marriage six months (without telling FWH) and I gave it my all those 6 months, and if it didn't work out, well, I gave it my all. I could never look back and wonder what if I'd tried harder, longer. Within six months, you'll know.

Our situations are somewhat similar, I know how you're feeling; I'm sorry for your pain.

Many people on here have noted that they had no idea that this myrid and intensity of emotions existed in them