NC began on July 14 when WH told OW (in person) tht he was going to see where things go with our M. OW said she would give him space and be there when he needed her. She did send a follow-up letter July 18 saying she would give as much time as needed and as far as I know, has not made contact with him. Last week, on August 18, WH started a short conversation with her at work (a "how are you doing? terrible, me too" conversation). He says that won't affect him and his feelings. I asked him to write a NC letter, and he says he can't do that. He is still in love with her and has told me he would be devistated if she told him she was moving on with her life. He has an intangible with her (he can't describe it) that he says he never felt with me. Any advice?

(Maybe he will chime in here since he said he registered at MB.)

"NC (in person) - 7/14/05 - but accidently bumps into at work"

There are NO accidents.

You might as well forget recovery while she is waiting in the wings. The thing he can't describe is a chemical addiction in the brain. He thinks she is so special, but anyone would have done. The funny thing is that they all think they are soulmates. Yuck.

And how sweet of the homewrecker to be so understanding to give your husband and father of 2 children "space" to see where the marriage will go. I will guess it will go right down the drain, until he is willing to be committed to it.

I hope you are getting your ducks in a row financially so you are prepared.

That is such a typical fog statement so don't believe it. After all, HE DID feel the same about you at one time. WS's are very good at re-writing their marraige. The things a WS says and does are so incredibly cruel. I am not sure how you should proceed but do not believe the crap he tells you. He is the one doing this, not you! Hang in there, you will get through this. We all do....

Agree with believer, as long as she is in the wings, there is no recovery. No contact is not negotiable. Stand your ground and research and prepare for Plan B.

Major RED FLAG...my WH thought it was silly. A week later I had proof they were still in contact...just hiding it better.

It seems he doesn't want to write because he doesn't want to close that door.

Typical response "OW didn't cause our problems, we'll see how it goes." OW probably didn't CAUSE the problems in the marriage but she is a result of them and the problems can't/won't be dealt with while she is around. "See where it goes", goes no where but downhill while she waits.

2dogmom, he won't send the NC letter because he has no intention of ending contact. It would ruin his affair. As long as they are still in contact, you can consider the affair as ongoing. They are now just calling it "work contact" to throw you off the path and have gone deeper.

Regardless, there is no hope of recovery as long as they continue to see each other. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to recover by sending him in the bar every day and giving him the occasional drink. Pretty soon he will be binge drinking again. But..he will never ever recover until he stops drinking and stops going to the bar.

believer - I should be ok financially

BHINWI -
I keep telling him that, but he seems to think he NEVER had the same feelings. We watched our wedding video and he couldn't see it there, but I did.

I guess I need to continue Plan A until he decides he has had enough, and I would guess he will be saying that soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes I just feel like beating my head against a wall, but then realize I have two beautiful girls that need all of the love, support, and stability they can get right now.

Also, he did spend last night and this morning reading Surviving an Affair. He disagrees he is not in withdrawal because he is not being affected by it, he does eat, etc. He seems to find the smallest thing and uses that to justify that it is more.

Any chance of the WH visiting this board?

When he was in the fog, my H said SAA did not apply to him either.

After 2 almost 3 false recoveries, when my FWH was ready to commit to our marriage, he was ready and willing to take EXTREME PRECAUTIONS to prevent contact with the FOW. He has maintained these same precautions for 2 years.

When he wanted to maintain contact with her, he was like your H, coming up with all kinds of excuses and justifications.

I hope you are not buying what he is saying. He definitely will be in withdrawal if he is having NC with her. Withdrawal will not end until 3 to 6 months of absolutely NC. Don't buy anything except this..

Jimmy Mac - yes, WH will be visiting this board. He has been browsing it almost every day for the last week, and I even read him what I was posting last night. However, I don't know if he will be posting because he may feel like he will be attacked (and rightfully so) because everyone is so "pro-marriage" as he says.

How could he be in withdrawal, 2dogmom? He needs to end contact in order to do that.

2dogmom, Plan A is a plan designed to bust up the affair and I don't see you doing anything to effect that. What are you doing to bust up the affair? They are still in contact, which makes recovery impossible. So what are your plans to effect the end of the affair and the end of contact?

P.S. I would also suggest waiting to bring him here. If he is still in contact with the OW we can't very well help you strategize to end contact if he is here reading your posts. You would lose this board as a resource. I would wait until you are in recovery.

Well I totally agree with him, he isn't in withdrawal because as others have said, HE'S STILL IN AN AFFAIR. If he were an alcoholic who only drank whiskey in his addiction, he's now taking sips of wine, longing for recovery yet not yet willing to do what HE knows is right to begin recovery.

I guess I don't know if he fully understands that this ain't all about the SEXUAL side of the affair. I guess I have the same question as Melody, what are you going to do now, keeping in mind that the worse thing you can do for an addicted person is enable their sickness?

Melody - I have been encouraging a job change and his family and some friends know about the A. I don't know what else to do to bust it up. What he tells me is that if he sees her in the kitchen at work he won't go in. But the other day he did and he talked to her. He said it was the first words he said to her since NC began July 14. Here is the conversation he told me:


He said he needed to tell me this becaise he will not slip back into anything without us being done. He also said he will not cake eat. That has been done for a while. My fence sitting consists of me physically being in the house and that I can't utter the words "I want to divorce you".

I know part of the reason he stays is because of the kids.

He is already here at this site, so I don't think I can ask him to stop reading and he will.

I don't know what I need to do now. I am open to all advice.

Well, if he's reading, I hope he pays attention to what everyone is saying here.

There is no way for your marriage to recover while he's in any kind of contact with OW. Period. If he wants to 'give it a chance', he needs to actively do so, and get off his butt and quit making excuses for not doing so.

If he can't understand that, and he refuses to even test the truth of it, then he'll NEVER get it.

Short of a job change (and he did send out a resume yesterday and is going to look at another site today) what can be done to avoid contact? WH claims there is absolutely no contact (besides the slip last week). I know I have no reason to believe him now since he has lied in the past, but with all of the brutal (and sometimes hurtful) honesty he has been showing, I would think I could believe him. He is ready to swear on anything I would put in front of him.

He said he has not been to the site today and will stay away if I ask him to.

Sounds like a good place to start.


Well, even with the "slip" last week there were choices. He chose to interact with her in whatever manner. That's his to own, his actions speak for themself. Don't minimize or justify anything unless you are willing to accept some contact as "No Contact".

And truly, just like an alcoholic, no recovery truly begins until you have your last drink.