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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 368
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 368
WH moved out a couple of weeks ago for 2nd time stating he needed "space and time to figure out what his needs are and to sort some things out." Since then we've spoken on the phone fairly regularly, but usually I'm the one to initiate the contact. We've gotten together on the weekends generally and had "dates" and some SF.

I completely suck at Plan A'ing and whenever we are together I inevitably ask him something about our relationship. All he tells me is he "hasn't completely written anything off yet."

He is still in contact with OW beyond work. In fact, last Sunday after a very nice day spent together even with me not asking about the relationship(go me!) and him saying what a good time he's having, etc., she called him on his mobile. What hurt me was he took the call. He went outside and chatted with her for about 10 min and came back inside. Then he started asking me what's wrong. Well, he knew what was wrong but I said nothing. When he left (which incidentally wasn't long after) he mentioned again that he had a good time and I did too, but I LB'd by saying "right up until OW called."

Anyway, I'm wondering if since I can't seem to do a Plan A worth a darn if I should move to a Plan B and just go dark altogether? What do you guys think?

I've worked up a Plan B letter. What do you think of it?
Quote
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I became complacent and I know I took you and our relationship for granted. I foolishly thought that my vote was worth more since I made more money and in doing so I disregarded your needs.
You’ve made it abundantly clear in your comments and actions that my presence in your life right now is only serving to make things more difficult for you. I love you, WH, with all of my heart so please know it’s not easy for me to say this to you. In order to allow you the time and space you say that you need to sort things out for yourself, I’ll be avoiding seeing or talking to you.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. Should you decide that you want to make me and our marriage a priority and that you want to work together in building a better, stronger relationship the we’ve ever had, I will be here. I do love you. However, in order for me to feel safe enough to start to rebuild I need to know that you have ended any and all non-business contact with OW.
If there is anything that we need to talk about we can do it via email. If there is something urgent or there is an emergency, please call me or have your mother call as I do still care about you and would want to know if something happened to you. I will make sure that you continue to get any mail.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I want to be your best friend, always there for you during times of joy and sadness and I want you to be my best friend again.
I have loved you before and when we married as I continue to love you today. I just can’t stay on this rollercoaster any longer.

All my love,

All thoughts, opinions, 2x4's welcomed. Thanks.


BS: 37 (me)
WH: 35
D-Day: 6/10/05
Plan A'd from a distance - WH moved out
Plan B started: 10/04/05
Plan B fell apart: 10/14/05
Back on the Plan B pony 10/23/05
Baby stepping in recovery since 11/06/05
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
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SInce it has only been 2 months since d-day, I think you need to study this stuff more & do Plan A better & longer.

I completely suck at Plan A'ing and whenever we are together I inevitably ask him something about our relationship.
Then you need to do whatever you have to to "unsuck" at Plan A.

However, in order for me to feel safe enough to start to rebuild I need to know that you have ended any and all non-business contact with OW.
So it is acceptable to you for him to continue contact with ow?

If there is anything that we need to talk about we can do it via email.
Uh, no, you should not do it via email. If there is something important, it should be done through a 3rd party.

If there is something urgent or there is an emergency, please call me or have your mother call as I do still care about you and would want to know if something happened to you. I will make sure that you continue to get any mail.
This is supporting/helping him out.
Do a change of address at the post office.
Plan B is withdrawing all support for him.


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 368
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Quote
Then you need to do whatever you have to to "unsuck" at Plan A.
How do you guys do it? I mean really do it? How do you just NOT ask? All I want is answers. It's so HARD!! Any help in this area is very very welcomed.

Quote
So it is acceptable to you for him to continue contact with ow?
NO! But he has a great job at a great company that he's worked very hard to get where he is. Is it really fair of me to demand that he leave it because she works there too? I mean, I would like nothing more than to have one of them leave (ideally, her), but I am afraid that it's asking too much.

SAA does say Plan A time limit should be around 6 months give or take, so maybe I am rushing things.

No one deserves to have to go through this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


BS: 37 (me)
WH: 35
D-Day: 6/10/05
Plan A'd from a distance - WH moved out
Plan B started: 10/04/05
Plan B fell apart: 10/14/05
Back on the Plan B pony 10/23/05
Baby stepping in recovery since 11/06/05
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
So it is acceptable to you for him to continue contact with ow?

NO! But he has a great job at a great company that he's worked very hard to get where he is. Is it really fair of me to demand that he leave it because she works there too?

You say, "NO!" but that's not what you mean.
You really mean that as long as he has a really good job at a good company that he worked hard to get then it is okay if he sees her.

Was is really fair of HIM to have an affair?

It's up to both of you to discuss it & why.
I guess it's up to you to decide what you will put up with...


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