I've admired your backbone from the beginning. You've always been quick to take care of the details, from dealing with the military, to working with the courts. It was your heart that talked your mind and body into giving him "one more chance" that would have better been used to put up a nice picket fence to talk with him over.

Time to put up a nice picket fence for MIL too...time to set up a set of rules/boundaries. It seems she has thought about this a bit, and thought, "Hmmm, if I ever want to see my grandkids again, I better play nice with Dani."

You could invite them over for a visit, or to meet them at a park or event...some middle ground. Consider writing them a Plan B letter of sorts...that spells out that they should talk only positively of Dad *and* Mom to the kids, and NO talk of OW. No contact with kids and OW. And you will be present during visits for now, until you can begin to trust that they will keep it positive, that they've not given you the impression they are supportive of you, and may inadvertantly say something to the kids that puts you in a bad light in order to "clear the air".

It is WAaaaay past time to write WH a Plan B letter...and may seem futile after all the court and D proceedings, but I think it is still essential to let him know what contact will be like with you...and how you don't even want to THINK about reconciling until OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture and moved away...

Remember when I told you that this could possibly happen? When the IL's see the line has been drawn in the sand, and they are NOT YET READY TO TRULY EMBRACE THAT THE WS IS SCREWED UP AND THAT THEY'RE ENABLING HIS BEHAVIORS...(MAYBE DID THAT FOR YEARS BEFORE) this happens.

Same issue with me. Happened same way. I to this day, do not say ugly things to the IL's...at son's bday party saturday, I see them walk up and kiss Ow/W on the cheek...and then when she's not looking, they take me off to side and say "we love you and we always will"...yea right...It's about saving their sanity. Easier to say it's Dani's or Peachy's fault rather than their child's fault ok.

What bothers me is that your MIL called OW by her first name...implies they have met and are on somewhat decent terms.

And yes, spin will occur from the waywards. IT is INEVITABLE THIS WILL HAPPEN. I mean it's got to happen. How else can they explain this crud away?

Don't fear. We've walked this road before. And one poster told you straight. LET THE CHAOS HAPPEN AND THE IL'S SEE IT SOONER OR LATER FOR THEMSELVES...but don't expect them to change.

My IL's are classic enablers of my XWH also. And now they know that he's cheating on his ow/w and that he's been abusive as well to her. And it is sad. I looked at my xFIL at the party; he's put on weight and so has MIL. Both looked almost miserable. Not smiling alot. Not considering it was a birthday party for the firstborn of their golden child (darth). They looked almost confused.

But they chose where to have their allegiances. Honestly, what did you expect? They probably hoped that the WS would come back home. That he'd change and they could stick their heads in the sand until the chaos is over. Let the idiots come to their home, live there...eat their food...shack up w/her kids...and have drunken brawls and rages there...let them LB on the relatives I say! It is a good thing..to let some enlightenment onto the enablers!

Now step back a bit. Breathe. You've proven your point legally here. Got enough to bury him in D court. Only pursue legal options should OW or WH threaten violence against you or attempt to take kids alone anywhere. Other than this, keep distance, keep plan D/B going and your sanity.

Know that this is the usual progression of things for the most part. He's their child. Parents protect their kids.

I am sorry for this realization. But in the end, you will learn who's really there for you and your kids...and who is not. My xIL's are sad people. They taught Darth how to cheat..and how to treat a woman. And they also enabled him every step along the way...especially his mom...who even took away his ritalin when he was 11 or 12 b/c she said "it made him NOT act like himself..."

Accept this and keep your head straight. Put on the darn blinders and proceed ahead...good with school, keep kids in focus etc. That's what you are doing now. Forging ahead while the lawbreaking waywards dig their own graves legally and morally.

Let them spin out of control but DON'T YOU JOIN IN WITH THEM OK?

Your IL's will find out what they're up to soon enough when they come knocking on their door for help.

Character can only hide for so long Dani.

Can't recall whether you did a PBL (I thought you did), but I would strongly advise against it at this point. The courts may not view it favorably, and WH's lawyers could put their own spin on it.

Professional and businesslike, as you have been.

Dani, FWIW, I'm still praying for you and your little ones....

Shelly said

Shelly! Thank you! It means a lot to me that people care enough to keep up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have fallen for his lies and manipulation far too many times. I see that now. In fact, when I was talking to my MIL the other day she mentioned that she has spent a lot of money on WH in the past few months. I explained that I understood how she feels, that I too had spent not only money but time and devotion on him in the past months and in the end I got hurt more and more.
When I was in court today, the victims advocate said to me, when talking about the divorce, "only forward from here on out" and she gave me the 'look'
It was back in May when she and I talked about the OW/WH and she advised me to get out of their drama and file for divorce and move on. She never gave up on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How are things with you Shelly? I hope all is well..

Miss M said

I have decided to write the in-laws a short letter explaining future contact regarding the kids and my hopes that they would respect my decisions. I will post it here first &#61514;

Dewt Said


It is true…they can’t believe what has happened to their sons life. Back in August of last year, I talked to them about the affair and explained how he was a completely different person. They didn’t believe me. They hoped that I was wrong. Then by April of this year they saw for themselves that I wasn’t. In April they made it clear that OW was not welcome at their home and they voiced their opinion that WH would not contact her. Then in July FIL had a talk with WH and I. He said that he hopes WH and I are able to work things out, but if we are not and he chooses to talk to OW then he is no longer welcome to live at their house.

Lately things have gotten out of control. When WH was arrest two weeks ago, their opinion of me went from anything to nothing. My MIL had convinced herself that because WH had finally obtained employment that his life was ‘on track’. She chose to block out the reality that his life was anything BUT on track. He was living in a tent with the OW (who was also unemployed, had pending criminal charges, and lost her children to the state), he had pending criminal charges, he would end up in his bedroom at their house at least once a week in the middle of the night because OW kicked him out of the tent, he had no contact with our children by his own choice, he had not paid any bills and his car is up for repossession, he is smoking marijuana….… BUT he had a job. Therefore he was on track, or at least she convinced herself of that. I think they have honestly hit overload and because WH is their son, and they love him as a son, I am sure it is hard to disregard his words and believe someone he is divorcing. FIL has made the statement that the whole thing is out of control and he feels like his own life, marriage and sanity is taking a toll. I am sure it is easiest to blame me for that… When WH got bailed out I am sure he went on and on about how nasty, evil, vindictive, etc that I am. And they took it for the truth…
It is hard to be compassionate to someone who blames you for everything….
AND, even if I try to be compassionate and understanding of their feelings, it is useless. They have no interest in talking to me, so that is a choice they are making.
I can’t be nice, I can’t be mean, I basically can’t be.


StillMakingItHere said



Thank you. I have always been on top of the legalities. I can thank my legal experience with all of this to my education goals. I would have never gone to Paralegal school, or had a strong desire to learn Law without this, and now I am excelling in it. When every door closes another opens, right?


You nailed it! Yep! WH could come to me with puppy dog eyes, give me a warm hug and I would fall for him. When the kids and I go somewhere, I sometimes get weepy and think of him sitting in the passenger seat with us and just being the Dad/Husband that he once was. Then I think about he latest actions and the things he has said to me and the ways he has treated the kids and I, and I thank the Lord that he ISN’T sitting there.


WH knows how I feel; he knows what he would need to do for me to even consider talking about a relationship. I feel that writing to him again, would just keep me in their drama. I am out. In addition to that, I have no idea where WH is.

Lastly, I have a strong feeling that after August 17, WH would burn anything I sent him. Hate isn’t strong enough for how he feels towards me…

Just Peachy said


I do, I can almost hear you saying it. In a way, I knew it would come… I just didn’t expect it to be like this. Reality hit.



OW and her three children stayed at my in-laws for over at week at Christmas time. So yes, they do know her… They are not on speaking terms and do not think highly of her.

A.M. Martin, I will not write a Plan B letter again to WH. Honestly, he does not deserve my stamp.

PeachyinanSVT, Thank you.. It is worth a lot.

Today was Grand Jury to indict WH for the Felony Theft, Felony Violation of conditions of release and three counts of forgery.
I had to go as the victim and give a statement to the juriors and answer their questions.
Before the case I talked to the Officer a while about the situation and the latest arrest. We talked about the Grand Jury and I gave him some more information about the banks.
I should get a call on Friday from the Victim Advocate to let me know if the Jury indicted him..

Normally everytime I went to WHs area I drove around for 30 minutes, by his house, just around. Yes, trying to see if I see him, and also just to drive around. That is where we graduated high schoool together, and were we first lived before he joined the Navy. I havn't done this the past few times. Today I was two towns away before I even thought about the fact that I didn't drive by his parents house. Gas prices and the fact that I knew I had nothing to gain by doing it, convinced me to continue driving and not turn back.

I talked to the Court Security Officer today. I probably mentioned in the past that he and I know eachother from long ago. He is an older man..and very nice and understanding of my situation. He was in the court room for the divorce hearing. He asked me if I had heard from WH or if I had any idea where he was. I told him no. We then somehow got talking about OWsH and the fact that he is in VA while his kids are in state custody in Maine...
He asked me if I had talked to him ever. The answer is yes, ever...not in a LONG time but last year I called him as part of exposure. I then got thinking about calling him. I didn't but the thought crossed my mind. I am not sure what my goal would be or what I would expect to acomplish so I didn't.

Tomorrow is school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I talked to my 4yo tonights about Dads. He asked why I had to go to school. I told him that I like to learn and I want to get a good job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He asked why I needed a job. I said that is what adults do. He said that Dads don't get jobs. I said that most Dads do, but he is right, some Dads don't. He said 'I will be a Dad in a long long time and I am going to get a job and pay all the bill. I am going to have babies and snuggle them at night.' I immediatly broke down in tears. I feel bad that my kids don't have any male figure in thier life, at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Danielle

Dani - that's tough when your little ones hurt. You can do almost anything to me, but you hurt my son, and the tigress awakens.

A word of consolation and comfort - your son has a strong sense of what a father does and what his role is - at such a tender age. Nurture that, and be determined to have him around healthy males - ministers, teachers, etc. who model morally appropriate behavior.

I'd suggest writing him a letter now, to his older self to give him a sense of what he knew at this tender age - keep him grounded in this sense of right and you won't go wrong - even without a male figure in the home. You can teach him all about what a real man does.

Thanks for asking about me Dani. All is pretty good now, somedays I have a really hard time reconciling in my head the person my H became for that year, and the person that I love more than life, I still have not figured that out. I also have a problem with built up resentment after all I went thru but little by little it is fading. My daughter is doing great she just started 8th grade today. Happiness is slowly returning to me and my family, but I wont lie, its been really tough, where sometimes I just want to walk out and leave all the pain and humiliation behind me.

EXACTLY!
The last few weeks that WH and I had any contact he said some things that made me really angry and feel hatred towards him. I would tell him something like "Alex made a cute painting at school" and since he was so stuck on himself and manipulating me, he would say something like "So?" and I said "So nothing, I just thought it was cute. I am really trying to be nice to you Adam and I thought you would be interested in things that the kids do" Then he would reply "They are your kids now, they aren't my problem. I don't really give a s***" Then I would get quiet and he would say "I mean if your not going to let me have them then I guess I will never see them again. It's Okay, I will explain it to them when they are 18. I am not paying a dime for them, and if that means I can't see them, so be it. I can't see them anyway, because they have your flesh and blood in them and your ________________________"
Nasty...I can't imagine a Father saying the things that came out of his mouth. A loving Father wouldn't, and that is the only kind of Father I want in my childrens lives. 10 minutes later he would say he was 'not serious' and 'just saying that because he was mad'
The excuses didn't sit well with me.


He is a very smart little boy. In some ways he has no idea what is going on with WH...but in some ways he knows.
He doesn't know about any OW or marriage or divorce. That idea/concept is foreign to him, which it should be.
He does know that Daddy is sick, and gets angry a lot. He thinks that Daddy works (that is where they think he is sometimes) and he knows that we can't find him sometimes because he moves a lot. Those are his views on things.
My older brother is an engineer for Intel and is getting transferred from California back to Boston next week, and we are excited to have him closer. He really loves my children and is a good figure for them to look up to.

Shelly Said
I can imagine the resentment would be strong and very difficult to overcome. The commitment you have made to work on it, and keep at the progress is wonderful. I am happy for you and your family.

I got the call from the Victims Advocate today. WH was indicted on 4 charges. One docket with class C Theft, class C Forgery and class E voilations of conditions of release. The second docket with class C violations of conditions of release.
They will mail him (to my MILs house) his summons to appear for arriagnement at the superior court on September 27th at 8:30. I have to be there just incase he pleads guilty. I wonder if he will show up....
If he is in contact with his attorney he will, but who knows. The victims advocate made the comment that she has never seen anyone plead guilty at the superior court arraignment but WH is so unpredictable that he made shock them all, or he made shock them all and just not come.

I called to tell my mom and she said 'are you upset'? The short answer is no. I am not upset that they indicted him, they should have indicted him based on the evidence. I am upset about the whole darn situation and that he comitted the crime, but I am glad to see something finally happening with the courts. If he pleads not guilty, the next trials date is in December. This whole process takes a long time. He was arrested and charged in May...

Danielle