I agree. That's why I posted the suggestion a few entries back. There are other better places to deal with this question. pat

t&l

FF, are you trying to say that all this time I've been pouring my HEART out on The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid, you've been focusing on yourSELF?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I've been meaning for days to email you, but the treadmill won't let me off! You are in my prayers though, as always, you and your DD and DS...and your Doofus, too.

t&l

Today was a very bad day. DD was with me. W called, started making serious proposals for reconciliation - went so far as to ask, "you want some tonight?" - which was about to push me over the edge of whatever it's called, uh, sanity. Then, while we were on the phone, and I was ignoring DD, DD hurt herself.

OH MAN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DD somehow pulled the electric piano (52 pounds) over on herself. From the looks of the bruise, she must have been on the floor when it fell on her. And somehow, it also cut her - although it is smooth metal - there are a few screw heads on the bottom side, also smooth, and the edges of the plastic keys, also smooth. I understand the bruise(hematoma even showed on the x-ray), since the thing is heavy . But, I don't understand how she got cut.

Stitches in her tender skin - on the leg of the most lovely little child. I feel like brown stinking stuff. W came over, and we drove to the emergency room together. We tried to call DD's pediatrician, but he never called back. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday, we'll take her to him or even to a plastic surgeon - don't want a scar. My W has been astonishingly non-violent. She has changed. A few years ago she would have been beating on me, scratching me, making sure I hurt ten times as much as DD. (And today, I would have not minded very much.)

I told the nurse, a lady of mature years, that as soon as we left the hospital, my wife was going to kill me. She said, "I saw that you were watching her - expecting something to happen". I said "it's just a figure of speach, you've probably seen all kinds of things here, I don't want you to think anything..." Nurse, said "I've been married a long time too, so I understood." (Which either meant that I deserved to die or that my wife was unlikely to become homicidal). As soon as DD had her pants on - covering the bandage, she was good to go, seemed as cheerful as ever. We went and ate pizza together, but then W pulled a fast one - dropped me off at my house and took off with DD - who was supposed to be with me tonight and tomorrow.

But amazingly, when I called and talked to her, she wasn't cruel to me - said she felt sorry for me, because she could imagine how I felt. It goes without saying that it's my fault. It's my responsibility to keep my house safe. I told her that if she had asked, I would have agreed for DD to go home with her.

I feel pretty low right now.

Strange thing... I think the ER doc is the son of my divorce lawyer. It's an unusual family name, and the ages seem about right.

-AD

OK, I'm sorry to hear your daughter hurt herself, but in reading about it, I find I'm worried that you're going to beat yourself up too much about this--certainly more than you deserve. Take your cue from your DD. When everything was over, she was fine and "cheerful as ever." Maybe it should be a lesson to WW not to jerk your chain and proposition you over the phone, if she wants your full attention to be devoted to child care! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Children get into stuff. Neak and Flard both had to have their lips stitched up when they were younger than your DD. On separate occasions, of course. It wasn't a brawl where they both lost! Neak tried to ride the Christmas tree stand like a horsie, and Flard was bucked off a wild and woolly plastic sheep on wheels. It didn't make us bad parents. They were accidents. And they, and we, weren't harmed by it in the long run. Keeping Neak's DS#3 from self-precipitated death and destruction is a full-time job, in and of itself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> He was the best birth control device they ever had, until this recent slip-up. Your DD had an accident. Give her hugs and kisses. Dry her tears. Fix the piano so it won't tip over again. And don't "visit" with WW while you're supposed to be babysitting.

You are a good and devoted father. And an accident happened anyway. Don't let it get you down, as if you'd done some horrible thing. It will be alright. Really.

t&l

Thanks, T&L. I know. I would say the same to anybody else, but my wife is going to kill me, only very very slowly. :evilgrin:

Thing is, just the other day I was thinking about doing a little safety review of the house. Thinking about it didn't do any good, and I would not have thought about the electronic keyboard. I do have a huge brick hearth - with sharp corners and edges. For a 2-year-old, people pad the things, but I think it's not a bad idea for 4-y-o's either. I've worried about that place, the way she runs around here.

I still don't know what happened. It's really not very profitable to ask DD, as she might say anything. I'm sure that it is impossible for the thing to fall while being played in the normal manner. But who ever expected a child to do anything "in the normal manner"?

I'm sure you fully appreciate the tender transparent beauty of every square inch of a little child's skin. It's a terribly wrong thing for any of it to be cut, scraped, or injured in any way. And there's a big bad bruise under it all!

Life is too fragile. Even such a "minor" injury makes one think.

BTW. Normally, a "minor" injury is defined as "an injury to somebody else", unless it's my child in which case all injuries are "major".

7 stitches, and a bruise that's visible on x-rays, is definitely not "minor" when's it's my on little girl's leg.

I'm going to sleep now, I promise.

=AD

If you're into S&M, that might be a good thing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. Don't tell me. I don't want to know!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

S&M? HHMMPH!

Nothing like that. She'll use words to do it. It's the ladies way.

-AD

AD,

Sorry to hear about the accident. Did you get a copy of the hospital report? Ask the board here if it w/b wise to let your lawyer know about the incident in case the Ws makes a ruckus about it?

Jmho,
L.

Hmm-m-m-m-m-mmph! P.A.T. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. I have no idea what you're talking about. Such a method would be foreign to my Sphinx-like self! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Orchid,

Thanks for your comments. My lawyer will hear about it if it seems neccesary. Right now, I don't want to use any more of his $200 hours if I can avoid it.

T&L,

<pat> <pat>

Quick update:

DD is here. I called W this afternoon and, with much LB, I arranged to pick up DD and get her back here where she belongs today and tonight. Perhaps I could have done it differently. But I'm learning, very late in this marriage, that if I stand firm, my w will fold - and not actually even be (very) angry with me later.

W doesn't want any legal doin's related to all this. She just wants me to give in and do it her way, but when I'm firm, she concedes.

W said, on the phone, while I was fighting for my visitation rights (too loudly, I guess, but shouting on the phone is better than in person), that I was losing my chance for a reconciliation, to which I replied (perhaps foolishly) that I was no longer interested in reconciliation.

She called this evening, asked to come over and give DD a sponge bath - since she can't take a normal bath for a few days and "she's a girl". I agreed. W came, did that, helped restrain DD while I changed the bandage, read a bedtime story and left.

W has an appointment in the morning so I'll take DD to work with me and W will pick her up after her appointment. DD likes that going to my office, and I figure it's better to come to work with a child than to come late. Maybe somebody there would have a different opinion, but it should be OK for an hour or so.

-AD

OK, time for the daily update. It sure is quiet on my little thread.

Amazingly, W called this afternoon, repeating the effort at reconciliation. I don't like her proposed deal. I told her that it seemed that I was the one taking all the risk and she, on the other hand only stands to gain.

Her proposal is that we move back into "our" house (instead of selling it) - and go from there. She understands my basic requirement (NC with OM).

But....

This would only put me back exactly where I was 3 months ago when I moved out - only poorer since I've been spending a bit trying to set up house here - and W has been accepting my CS and "Alimony in gross" payments.

She asked me to give her a summary of my conditions - just the short list - "small enough to fit on a 3x5 card" - and put on the other side of the card what I am willing to do for her.

Hmmmm.

Ok, My proposed requirements from her:

1) NC with OM forever. (and ever and ever and ever...)
2) Treat me with respect and consideration at all times (no insults, cursing, namecalling etc.)
3) complete openness. No secrets. Snooping to the max to be accepted as normal. She tells all details of relationship with OM without hesitation or spin.
4) We go to church together consistently and budget some money for the church.
5) She agrees to have another child (of mine, of course). (Major major commitment from her!)
6) Her "Quit claim deed" (disclaiming any rights to my house) remains in force. We sell the other house, use all the equity to pay down the debt on my house (no equity split), which I rent out (and I get the rent money) and we live in a rented place somewhere else. (since she doesn't like my house again, and I don't want to lose any rights to it on the basis of it being the "marital home")
7) She agrees to work on helping me become fluent in Russian.

What I'll do for her:

1) Keep going to work and bringing home the bacon. Focus on being a great worker and making some advancement in my (presently stagnated) career.
2) Take care of all the anxiety-inducing details of life (IE bills, financial and logistical planning etc.) plus household maintenence, outdoor work as required (if we live in a rental this might be easy).
3) Take care of her with all the tenderness, patience and affection that I can muster. Oh and did I mention forgiveness (reset to zero)... and foot-rubs. etc. (especially etc.)
4) Make myself available to listen to her patiently.
5) Plan and execute an annual trip to visit her family. We will all go together and return together (no more month-long trips to grandma's leaving me at home alone).
6) Plan and execute another (other than the visit to her parents) annual vacation together.
7) Work towards moving to Colorodo (not Denver, but in a less expensive place nearby where my company has an office) or to Russia if I can find an acceptable job there.
8) Gradualy restore her financial access as our confidence in each other improves - until then, she gets an "allowance". (I hate that, but there it is).

These things take more than 20 days to negotiate, agree, and to build confidence in the sincerity of the agreement. So, I would propose to hold up the D until January (hopefully we can do this without spending even more legal money) to give us at least 3 months to work out the details and build respect and confidence in each other. If we can't work out the details by then, the D goes back in. (This also has the benefit of saving me money on 2005 taxes - since W is a SAHM - and also qualifies for education credits).

What do you folks think?

I think she's going to balk at the house sale, since what she really wants is to avoid losing social status - and her best friend is a neighbor there. The baby is a wild card. Having my child is the ultimate commitment to me. Having another baby with me would have a good chance of driving OM away. She wants another, perhaps just as much as I do, but understands her limited ability to cope and also knows that DV with 2 kids is just that much harder if it comes to that down the road.

-AD

She has every reason to think you're sincere and that your things are not intended as a penance or punishment, but rather only what it takes to make you feel safe.

But something that seems awfully important is not there. A couple of somethings.

She suffers from an already-acknowledged psychological affliction that seems somehow more malignant than the usual WS ethical confusion and character deficiency. Sorry, too many three-to-five-syllable words. Nerd alert. She's had lots of loss in her life, and that's made it quite a struggle.

She needs a counselor, and not just the closest one in your provider network, or whatever.

And the two of you, together, could use a good MC, too.

If she's likely to balk anyway, why not tack it on there?

GC

Good idea GC.

She said herself just a few days ago that she needed one - and was willing to go to MC with me too. Amazingly, she can get a counselor at the U - seemingly for free (at least I never get anything from teh insurance company about it). They seem even to talk to her when she is not current enrolled in classes. She's also been to another psychaiatrist (sp?) and the H of her best friend is one too (but he's our neighbor and we want to keep him as a friend).

Honestly, I think some of the anti-anxiety drugs do help, but she never has taken them with any consistency.

She has major anxieties associated with school. Most of the times when she has really flipped out were either at the beginning or end of a semester. Just tonight, she admitted that she has still not been to one of her classes (which is a class she dropped in a previous semester). She's missed 5 class sessions already - and passed the point of getting no refund (and she paid out of "her" money). She also has an "I" that probably has turned into an "F". It still can be fixed but she is afraid to talk to the instructor. The only way she can graduate this semester is to take care of both of those.

-AD

Maybe everybody else shared my fate today, and they, like I, were mugged by life and just didn't have a chance. Thought about you though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I told you that as a chain jerker your wife could give my husband lessons! Make sure you're hanging onto your valuable links good and tight!

As far as your lists, I think your two biggest fleeces for her are the child and the financial arrangements with the house. And church. OK, that makes 3. So math isn't my strong suit. If she accepts those, you might even consider considering her sincerity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Did you know that Neak, her squabblings, and I all used to speak some Russian? I can still read it some, if slowly, but I don't know exactly what I'm saying. I can write my name, and the few words I remember, and my handwriting is very precise. I really loved Russian until we started all the gender and case stuff, which went right over my head.

Scrolling down your list, I went so fast that I combined 2 lines into one sentence, and thought I read that you said would agree to execute her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Sending cautious hopes your way...

t&l

Well, T&L, a cynical view would be that she wants it back just like it was before I took control by moving out of that house.

I'm not so desparate to "save my marriage" (the one we've been having), that I would agree to that. So, I made my list - and I know it's tough. I think the going to church she would agree to. She wants DD to sing in the little kids choir and all that. Of course "together" is a bit tougher, but still I think she will agree.

The child, she will waffle on - saying it's not time yet and we'll have to see - which is another way of saying no without saying no - because really, she wants a baby - but is afraid.

The house, I think, for her is the show stopper. She wants to save face, save social status etc. She doesn't want to tell her folks that we sold that, even though they thought we should never have bought it (not that I care what they think, of course), but should have stayed in "my" house. "My" house has 3 acres (Russians are very fond of a bit of land for a garden) - and gargantuan old oaks (which W is afraid will fall on the house - a realistic fear, actually). "Our" house is in a new subdivision on a postage-stamp and has 3 or 4 sickly stick-trees - but has doctors and business owners for neighbors.

I think she has to beg. Sorry. I know that's not nice. Maybe it doesn't have to go quite that far, but she's got to become a lot more flexible.

20 days is too early to make a deal. Conditions should improve for me as the calendar turns. At 3 days out, if she really doesn't want a D, she should be ready to make a serious deal - if she really doesn't want a D.

-AD

This would be my view as well.

So this is where your boundaries must be iron clad. She will fold before you do though I think, and I hope.

Stay strong now and don't settle for less than what you can be happy with.

This all comes back to what used to go on in your thread when Gimble was talking to you about boundaries and demanding respect. Not demanding in words but in actions, of what you will and will not be a party to.

I still follow your sitch somewhat AD, but don't read here very much anymore. So that is why I have been quiet on it.

Thanks for stopping by Weaver,

I really don't have much <I hesitate here a long time to find a word> of anything invested in this reconciliation plan. Maybe I'll wait for her to ask again. Maybe I'll wait for her to beg. Sorry. That's not nice, is it.

We had another unpleasant hour-long phone call about visitation schedule. Much of the time, I confess, I was holding the phone away from my ear and just waiting for the noise to stop. (sorry, bad attitude, I guess.) It seems I'm being "inhuman" and "inflexible" to suggest that we stick with the agreed-upon schedule.

All the same, W has a crunch this weekend and asked me to swap and take DD this weekend so she can write a paper.

DD will be here tomorrow night, then spend the day with her mom Friday, then I'll have her until Monday morning. W now has a 3-hour class on Monday nights, so DD will be back here monday evening, but by the current plan will go home and sleep at her Mom's apt that night. W wants her on Wednesday to take her to church - to children's choir practice. Wednesday is my night with DD. It is amazing to here w talk about how important it is for her to be able to take DD to church on wednesday night (which she has never done before) - after years of refusing to go with me even on a Sunday. And now, she is being deprived, because I have DD on Wednesday. Honestly, I don't mind swapping nights as long as she doesn't "forget" that I'm supposed to have DD on the alternative night (which almost happened this week).

I'm writing too much. I'm bored with myself.

Time to bravely face the pillow and see if it can seduce me into slumber (for a change). I need to get to work on time tomorrow and execute the plan of being a generally all around decent guy and Dad.

-AD

AD, isn't it fun to imagine your W having an "aha" moment?

I wish you'd gone to a plan B arrangement with your W. Seems like she has something good in her just dying to get out, but it's beaten down by her bratty habits, and that part of her needs to be starved, to go unrewarded.

But even if you'd done that, it's for her to make that change. All you can do is create the occasion for it.

GC

GC,

You may be right - that a real Plan B would have done something. I think it would, but it's hard to do that with a young child.

Most of our communication is either legitimately about our child or arrangments for her - or W at least pretends to be calling about our child.

-AD

And "aha" would be nice, however, I have heard half-aha's which were forgotten by the next day.

As a little update, I got a report from the medical insurance that WW went to the doc a few days after she last stayed overnight here. I'm guessing she had a depo shot.

-AD