T&L,

Thanks for the encouragment in my parenting. We've got a little defiant one. We know it, but we're not curing it very quickly.

I know that you are right about not backing down. It does take a lot of time and since I only have a few hours a week with my daughter, I want them to be pleasant hours. Otherwise, frankly, I'm afraid that she will not want to come to my house. But I realize that it's more important that my time with her be productive - in the sence that I am making a positive influence on her, than that it be pleasant.

When your child is screaming "No!" and hitting you (on the leg, which is about as high as she can reach, LOL), the alternative of just giving her what she wants seem pretty good. But, then all I have to do is remember that someday she'll be 14, and giving her what she wants will become increasingly dangerous and impractical - and if she's going to get used to not getting what she wants, she'd better get used to it sooner, rather than later.

Oh, and although it is an example of really slow response on my part.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Did you see the commercial where the lady having a romantic dinner with the guy tells him "I love you", and he just sits there and makes no response, so finally she gets up and leaves, and as she walks away he says "I love you too". I don't remember what they were trying to sell, so I guess that commercial was a failure, LOL.

As I was about to say, about the toy that somebody backed over. <AD, erupts into hearty laughter, barely able to contain himself> LOL. <but, of course, t&l is long gone and even forgot what she posted days ago>.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-AD

GC,

Thanks for your vote of confidence.

To follow up on that, I was driving yesterday after lunch - going back to the other house to continue a project I had begun in the morning, when I stopped at a red light. I saw WW's car about to turn out (in the left turn lane on the crossing street). She saw me and was making hand signals. I picked up my cell and called. She said "I was going to call you, but I was afraid you would be unpleasant." Then she rattled on about what they did that morning etc. I ended the call (I think pleasantly) and drove on to do what I was planning to do.

I don't like being characterized as "unpleasant". I suppose it is always "unpleasant" to hear "no" or to hear "I don't want to talk to you now". But, is it fair to call it that?

<sigh>

I'll just have to live with it, LOL.

Oh, and GC, I read your thread occationally and am impressed by what you are posting - but don't feel up to responding. I think you are doing well.

-AD

Update:

I had a really good day yesterday. I was up before 6 (after 7 hour's sleep!) and stayed busy all day with various chores, repairs, etc. - finished the last item about 11pm and went promptly to bed and to sleep. I was up at 6:30 today. I'm going to kill this sleeplessness beast by just making sure I'm exhausted every day. So far, it's working. If I can do that for 3 weeks, it will become a habit. (so they say, and I believe them when they say it).

-AD

Better teach her while she's short and can only reach your leg. She's gonna get taller, and be able to reach higher altogether too soon, if you get my drift! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> As I tell my grandchildren when I'm the responsible adult: "Obedience is first. Fun comes afterwards." I can actually be a lot of fun with the kids, and enjoy having a good time with them...but, by George, they're going to mind first.


I certainly did NOT forget my own deathless prose. I remembered it right after I went back and hunted it up and re-read it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Well, it's true. After all the humiliating unveilings on the feminine hygiene products thread, why on earth would it matter if I go one step further and admit that my house strongly resembles my granddaughter's bicycle after her little brother dropped it behind their mother's car? Once your embarrassment cup overflows, it doesn't really matter how much more you pour in it! Glad you found the metaphor funny. I live to amuse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Well, T&L, your house is lived in. It's not a museum.

My house, isn't lived in much, and it suffers from the appearance of abandonment. It's getting a little better, but nothing to take pictures of.

Actually, to be brutally honest, my homeowners insurance was cancelled recently because somebody from the home office came out and did take pictures. Today, I got new insurance from a different company for about 40% less than the first company. Now, I'm glad they came and took pictures. But, my agent warned that the new company will be out with their cameras too - so I continue in the sport of presidents (clearing brush) if not daily, then at least weekly. I think it's OK now, but there is much more to do.

WW noticed the improvement when she came by this evening to pick up DD (who was with me while her Mom was in class).

UPDATE;

As WW picked up DD this evening, WW said something like "This is going to be a hard week. I can't believe we are doing this. Friday is the last day we can do something to stop it. Sometimes I wonder if we are crazy. etc." I said something like "Send me an email with your proposal. But, as long as you keep lying to me, I'm not very interested." She got her feelings hurt "I don't like it when you call me a liar. I am not a liar". I reminded her of what she told me last sunday about the computer she got from OM (but said was from "a friend of her nephew"). She replied with some gobledeegoop, including that her nephew met OM and got along with him well (as if that was supposed to warm my heart). She asked me "how would it have been better if I told you the computer was from OM?" Well, I replied "then you would not have lied to me." She didn't get it - didn't see the advantage of that. Her last words to me as she got in the car "I am not a liar!" So, still, she has (in her eyes) not done anything "really wrong".

-AD

Is that what we're calling nouveau trashe these days?


I don't know. We've got some pretty ancient artifacts in there. Besides HP and me, I mean.



All that exercise is good for you. And not bad for the house, either.


I'm surprised you haven't put your <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> on a spit and spun 'em around the rotisserie by now, having to listen to all this nonsense from such a self-justifying, relentlessly self-absorbed woman! I'm not sure she'll ever be able to find any man who loves her more than she loves herself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&L,

Thanks for the friendly reparte (sp?)

Well, the D should be final on Monday - which means Friday is the last day we could pull the plug on it. I don't think I'm going to do that.

I'm taking next week off - and friday afternoon probably too, although neither weekend will be "my weekend" (with DD). So, I'll have 9 days of working on the houses - with one midweek overnight with DD and one other evening. I plan to stay off the computer - just live in "real life" - no TV, no Internet - just sweat and maybe I'll read a book or two - or take a day and drive somewhere.

And about the leg-hitting and stuff. I read that. I appologize for not replying immediately. Really, I have a problem. People post to me and I read and enjoy but forget to respond. That's a worrysome habit and could be a problem in my marriage. Maybe it's all my fault. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Just a quick note then it's back to the grindstone. What kind of stuff are you reading? Would you like to read a copy of Neak's book? I'll send you one. You'll like it. (Is that a prediction, or an order? Only you can tell!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&L,

I would gladly buy a copy of Neak's book. Just tell me where I can order it.

An ISBN might come in handy and I can probably take it from there.

Mothers of authors, in my opinion, shouldn't undermine the value of their offspring's work by giving it away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But, of course, they can't help it. LOL

I would be honored to have a copy - and if it is simply impossible to buy it, you can send me one.

Drop me an email at [email]mb11094@yahoo.com.[/email]

Better yet, if you are on e*bay, put one up for auction and email (or post) the auction ID.

-AD

Oh, and to answer your question, "nothing". (that is, what I'm reading)

On my nightstand, unread, is a copy of "A pattern Language" - a book about architecture and city planning. I have another book on city planning in the floor in the other room (with all the other books that I don't have bookcase space for). I don't know why they made it to the top of the pile. Perhaps because they have nothing to do with anything - except perhaps my house.

One factoid from "A Pattern language": People generally dislike rooms which do not have windows providing natural light on at least two sides. They tend to gravitate to those which do - even if they are otherwise not exceptional rooms. Even if it is not a corner room, it is often possible to arrange this.

My reaction to this "I'm at home at night mostly. My office has no window. In the winter, no room has natural light between 5:30pm and 7am. When are all the smarty pants architects going to figure that out." And then I ponder what I can do about it. Oh yes, get a better office. Hmmm. That requires that I dig in and do some career-building.

I'd better get to sleep. So, I put down the book.

-AD

Of course it's possible to buy it. I just don't want to be accused of crass commercialism, or abusing the MB site, by hyping a book for which Neak will earn a whole whopping $1.08 in royalties next Feburary! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'll be in touch, but I've got to stay in front and pay attention to what's going on until I can get a real break.

t&l

Hey AD,

Read your post on GC's campfire.

" I find that so often all I have to do is do something different. Sometimes just driving home by a different route makes me feel alive. Tonight, I brought a bicycle over from the other house, put some air in the tires and rode around in circles for about 10 minutes. That did it. Then, I realized that my old car (that used to be WW's old car, that I should have sold by now) was in the way, so I moved it. It's been sitting in the same spot for 3 months - since my van's AC was fixed. Then I realized that the old car wasn't so bad as I had remembered - and I drove to the store in it to buy some things - ending up looking at lighting - and dreaming all kinds of lighting projects around the house. There's nothing like lighting to perk things up - and even if you go all out (except for crystal chandaliers), you won't spend a lot of money. But, I came home with a $5 dimmer, and $3 face plate nd a $6 replacement floodlight fixture. Still, I was happy. Moving the old car around back made me happy. LOL Stupid me. I've got a circular drive and the old car was parked on the circle - so for 3 months I've been backing out every day. LOL Bright, aren't I?! I'm really laughing at myself now. I get like that - just not seeing where I live - not noticing my surroundings - and then, in a brilliant flash of insight, I relize "I could drive forward out of here if I moved the old car around back." LOL LOL

I'm a simple man, really.

I'm still laughing at myself.

Life is good. The moon was full a day or two ago. I love fall weather. October is my favorite month. Blue sky (instead of chalk-colored), cooler weather. It's around the corner. I can smell the cotton defoliant in the air. It's the smell of autumn (but we call it "fall" around here.) LOL."

Tooo Funny and GOOD for you!!

I really think that you will be OK. I drove thru "Bama on our way to Panama City this summer and kept looking around for you and your place! I forgot how pretty Birmingham is (not city, mountains/hills around it). It has been (clears throat)many years, uh, around 20+, since I have been down that way. My unc and aunt live in Birm tho, wish I would've had time to stop and say Hi.

Keep up the good recovery work, AD!

jls

Just checking in and letting you know I am thinking of you, AD

Ah, I see the three Magi have been here.

T&L, you have mail.

JLS,

Nice of you to copy my post from the other thread. I would have done it myself, but I was afraid it would like like I'm trying to make sure that everybody reads it - and I'm sure folks on MB have got other threads to read - where somebody is actually trying to build a marriage.

I don't think I saw you drive by. pity. Probably you went down 65 - and missed me by 10 miles.

FF,

Thanks. It's nice to be part of a community of caring people.

------

No particular news today. WW called - asked about plans for DD's midweek visit. We agreed on the time and place I am to pick her up tomorrow afternoon. She seemed really anxious - chattered nervously. I asked her to have her car title in hand when next we meet and I'll sign the back (since it is in both our names) so she can have it re-issued in her name alone.

There are only a few more financial ties that connect us, which will be cut soon. She'll have some more expenses to provide what I previously provided for her.

-AD

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I brought you a book. (Gold, compliments of Neak) Who's bringing the frankincense and myrrh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

t&l

ARRGGH! I lost my post again!

OK, short version.

Hello and thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and kept me company on the way. Thanks for the book, T&L. I took forward to it!

Nothing much new here.

When I picked up DD this afternoon, WW asked if she could come too. I said that I didn't think anything had fundamentally changed, so probably not. She asked "Don't you want to have one last evening as a family?" I just looked at her. "Well, you can call me later if you want me to come over", she said.

I didn't call.

DD is sleeping.

I will be sleeping soon myself.

I'm wondering. Why does she suggest this on my night with DD? She could suggest it on a night that DD is with her. I think she's just lonely when DD is not there.

Oh, I took my van in to the shop this morning. They gave me a ride to work on their "courtesy van" (sp?). There was only one other passenger, who was dropped off first - downtown - in the legal district. She said she worked for the family court. I told her that my D was coming up. She asked "which judge?" She said he usually will sign it on the day the 30 days are up. There should be no delay on that end.

-AD

AD,

Sorry things are working out this way for you.

What a strange suggestion for WW to make! Did she think it would be just like ole' times?

Ok, so the WW is still wrapped up about her. Can't do much about that.....

Great that you were given more insight into the court procedures. Hm.... see how things come your way? Ok, just informations but valuable.

Right now love your little one. Don't listen to babble. The WS is hurting but of her own choosing. If you help her, she will just suck you into her world of hurt. Your best help to her is to stick to what you have been doing. Letting her deal with her pain of choice issues.

When she is really ready to heal, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt. No kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I freely admit that I haven't read lots of everybody's threads on this site. I just don't have the time to work as much as I do and spend that much time reading. So it's possible that I've missed the description of somebody who surpasses your wife as a chain jerker extraordinaire, OK? But I've got to say, AD, that I am totally impressed with that woman. She's incredible. She really is.

Look at the options she provided herself with this latest "offer." If you say yes, please come over she can (a) say no and enjoy smacking you down one last time before it's too late, or (b) say yes and feel that she now controls the situation because you still "want" her. Either way, she perceives power in HER hands. If she comes over for the evening, she can either spend the night (in a wifely sense) or not, for the same reasons as above. Power--she'd have it, you wouldn't. I'm kinda wondering if she is hesitating at the brink here, but would like for you to be the one who pulls everything back together, you to be the one who does the wanting, you to be the one who does the conceding, the forgiving, the work--while she, by giving or withholding according to the whim of the moment, holds the power in the relationship.

Whether or not you thought this all through analytically or not at the time, it seems to me you handled it just right by not responding to her "offer" (haha) with either hostile rejection or eager interest. You are the one with the power right now, which is as it should be--neither a beggar willing to do anything for a few more crumbs of attention or affection, nor a human punching bag just looking for another chance to be mentally or emotionally clobbered! There is a certain safety in some aloofness at this point. Let her suffer from some of the uncertainty which she brought into your life. It will do her character a world of good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I can sure pick 'em, can't I!

Actually, W is the only one I ever picked. I like her, actually. She's cute too - and thin - and has a very expressive face - and is sometimes not terrible to live with (but only briefly). And I have a compassionate feeling for her, maybe it is or was "love", whatever that is.

I'm sorry it comes to this - especially for our daughter.

But, for me, life is not so bad just now.

I'm lonely, but I'll fix that.

I'm lucky to have what I have - and to make it through this, um, experience with some chance that in 2 years or so, I'll have my house back paid for and be able to afford to live a little.

T&L, No,I didn't think it through that way. If I had asked her to come, she would have come. If she slept here, I wouldn't have touched her - letting her have the power if she wants it. So, if she started something, I don't know that I could refuse. Sorry. I'm just not good at saying "no" to my very own one and only wife.

I just knew that it wouldn't do anything good for us. I don't need any more false hopes. If we get back together, it will be through long, tough conversations, not through sharing a bed. I don't expect it. I'll not be planning for it. I'll be making other plans.

Orchid,

Oh yes, she is certainly the center of her own universe.

A.M.M.

Thanks for stopping by. Sorry I haven't been tracking your situation. Last I read you were planning a move. I hope everything is going OK.

As for my W, I've given up trying to figure her out - or maybe I've finished figuring her out.

-AD