Hi to GC and AW!

AW, I keep forgetting to remind my XW that she has no medical insurance now and probably should get some. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I think she's forgotten about that, and it's going to cost her.

She's planning to go see her family in Moscow in early December. That's OK with me. Our agreement allows a 14-day out-of town for each parent each year with DD. So, nothing I can say about it and really it's OK with me. But, it's going to empty her bank account to have to pay for this travel out of what I'm paying her.

Oh, and ... I guess you've noticed that I'm here, on-line. There is no Internet over there, so I'm not there, I'm here. Clear?

Well, I chickened out. When I drove over there, I decided to go for a walk, since that neighborhood is walkable - and where I live now is a bit more dangerous for walking. (Also, I'm rather desparate to lose some weight.) So, after my 90 minute walk, I fiddled around over there, (very slowely) cleaned up a room or two - and came home at 2:30 AM.

It was pretty much OK, but there were just a few little stabs... I didn't want to risk trying to sleep there. It is much better than before. It's been 4.5 months since I slept there. Maybe tomorrow.

The key is thought control. As long as I think of the future, I'm happy. But, the past is a downer.

I had a little stab when I saw DD's abandoned bath toys on the edge of the Jacuzzi. Poor little child, she had a nice place, with two parents, plenty of space and all her stuff in one house. And now...

I left all the upstairs windows open to air out the house and cool it off. It's probably in the mid-fifties here, but if feels warmer still.

-AD

Update:

My XW called to invite me to lunch - actually, she wanted to fix lunch here. I told her I already ate. So, I've agreed to eat dinner at her place this evening. I don't know what that means, but I was gonna eat something somewhere anyways.

I've signed up with eHarmony and Yahoo Personals. After searching unsuccessfully for a recent photo that I like, I tried to take some myself. I was laughing; it was so ridiculous. LOL. I set the timer, got in the photo, the shutter snapped - and no matter how many times I did it, I still didn't look good. LOL. When I smile I look goofy, and when I don't smile, I look angry. At my present weight, no matter what I do, I have jowls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. And then there's the fact that I have rather small eyes - and when I smile or laugh they look even smaller - little squity slits. At least that's the way it looks to me. So, on eHarmony I have no photo yet, and on Yahoo, I have one that looks like my neck is broken - 'cause DD took it, and she aims low, so I have to duck to get my face in the picture. I've attempted to make contact with several ladies on Yahoo personals and, so far, they have ignored the broken-necked guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> At least I can laugh at myself. (Why not! Probably they have their girlfriends come look at my photo and laugh at it too).

Right now, I've got to unload my van (my house is getting full) and go back over to the other house and paint the deck.

Life is still good. The weather here is absolutely perfect. The sky is blue from ear to ear. I love October!

-AD

AD,
I can't believe how many of us worry to much about far too many things.

If you don't have a good photo by the time you get here, we'll do some for you. I bet we can do at least one good one.

Sorry about the bad memories at the house. The thing is to create good ones that mitigate the bad ones. They can't replace them really, but they can reduce the damage the old ones do in your mind.

Somewhere there is a girl that won't laugh at your photo, and will like you. Don't despair of finding her.

Weather is usually warm enough, but can change quickly. Bring at least one long sleeved shirt, and a light coat or jacket - not a windbreaker, but with some insulation. Wear clothes that you can get dirty in, cause you probably will get them dirty - and they will smell of campfire smoke before you are finished.
You may need more of a coat at night depending on where we end up, but I have a warmer one for that if need be. I doubt very much if there will be rain, don't worry about a rain coat. If on the odd chance it does rain, I have spares.

All you will really need will be your clothes, and camera gear. I'll take care of the rest.

I think you can plan on getting some really good photos -

SS

SS,

Some Grand Canyon photos (with me in them) would be ... well ... grand for this - but I'll still have squinty little eyes and jowls, LOL. (Unless I lose a bunch of weight). Thank you so much for all! Thanks for the packing tips. I'm not packing yet. I'm not leaving today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

UPDATE:

Well, I painted less than half of the deck. Because... when I got there, I noticed a puddle of water under the fridge (and there is hardwood in the kitchen, YIKES). But, it was OK, since there was no puddle yesterday - the floor seems undamaged, but the fridge seems dead - and I was just about to move it over here - since I've been using a little dorm-style fridge for the past 4 months. I hear it trying, but the compressor won't start. There is an odd chance that the compressor at least would be under warrantee. If it's the start capacitor, that would be relatively inexpensive. If it's the compressor (on a only-three-year-old fridge), I might as well junk it and buy a new one (after asking how much to fix it). <sigh>

Well, at least I saved the floor.

So, at 6 (I was expected at 6), I stopped painting and called my XW. She was a bit disapointed that I was not there yet, since she wanted to go for a walk after dinner (with me, and before dark). As it turned out, it was no problem.

She had cleaned her appartment essecially for my visit. She was perfectly civil and agreeable. She looked gooood (in jeans). It was nice to have one of her dinners again. She misses, she said, cooking for somebody. (Where is OM?)

After dinner, we did go for a walk - actually to the nearby grocery, where DD gets a free cookie. (As she gets older they get slower and slower to give it. I think she stops in there every day for a free cookie).

On the way there, DD ran some, so XW had to run to keep up, and finally, I had to abandon my dignity and run a 100 yards or so too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> After returning to a more proper walk, XW asked me to marry her. Don't get excited, it wasn't particularly dramatic. I replied "Under the right conditions, that would be nice." I bought a few items (light enough to carry), and we walked back under the full moon, on a slightly cool beautiful evening. On the way home, I asked "So, you want to marry me?". She looked surprised, as if she forgot what she said on the way there. "Everything would have to be different; a new start", she said. And we let it drop - except to continue a little dribble of conversation about the effects of divorce on children.

We stopped at the playground (at 8pm) and DD and XW and I went down the slide a few times. DD really enjoyed it - was giggling and hiccupping. She particulary enjoyed pushing me down the slide with her feet. XW asked if she could eat some of my cheese (in the bag, hanging on the fence of the playground). I said "sure", but she didn't.

We got back to my car, DD hugged me and I kissed her (edited to clarify that I kissed my little girl) and said "see you tomorrow" (while her Mama is in class) and went home.

Are we weird or what?

Meanwhile two of my eharmony ladies sent me some questions. (They haven't seen my photo).

One of them, I don't think I'm a good fit for. 1) She apparently has a very high need for everything to be orderly, and just looking around me right now is pretty frightening even for me. and 2) she has 3 kids, who are very involved with their Dad and live 150 miles from here.

The other one still has potential. No rush, just keep clicking the buttons, asking and answering questions.

-AD

5 DAY FORECAST
Sunday - Sunny 78°F (26°C) | 47°F (8°C)
Monday - Sunny 78°F (26°C) | 53°F (12°C)
Tuesday - Sunny 83°F (28°C) | 57°F (14°C)
Wednesday - Sunny 84°F (29°C) | 58°F (14°C)
Thursday - Sunny 84°F (29°C) | 59°F (15°C)

Now, see why I love October in Alabama!

-AD

Just how big would you have to be to still look, um, large...with the Grand Canyon as a backdrop? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Just finished reading the rest of your post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I'm going to have to send you one of the Japanese aunties' beautiful painted fans, so you can hide your blushing face behind it everytime you get a surprise proposal of marriage, then peak over the edge to bat your eyelashes furiously at your, ahem, suitor as you fan your heated cheeks with vigor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You might look kinda silly doing it, but don't let THAT stop you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. Joking aside, what do YOU think about it? Does it scare you, just a little bit? Out of the frying pan into the <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />...

I'm confoozed?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Did I miss a big chapter or something?!?!?

L.

Hi T&L,

No it doesn't scare me.

Did you notice I got a marriage proposal today, already. LOL

The fan thing I think is just not my style, but thanks.

Since I'll be in the foreground, the Grand Canyon will look small behind me. As long as it's not a photo of my, er, section between the belt and elbows, it should be OK.

You didn't say anything about our weather!
Oh, and it's relatively dry too.

-AD

What's confusing Orchid?

Confoozed with the facts:

1. End of Sept/beginning of Oct you posted that the judge signed the paperwork for the D?

2. U R posting for dates?

2. Now your Xw of being an XW less than 1 month asked you to marry her?

My head is still spinning and I also have been dealing with a headache all day long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Why else would I have asked? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Betcha it'd confuse the HECK out of her though!! Besides, if you're going to lose weight, start it on your trip and make SS take you out on a lot of brisk trots between meals of raw carrots and dried oatmeal, and then go back all slimmed down and buffed up and do some dating and let your XW see that her marriage proposal is going to have to have a little hustle in it if a divorced woman like her wants to catch the eye of the popular and single, manly-figured Mr. Studly, to whom she used to be married, and thought herself above. Might as well have some fun with it, just so long as you 're not hurting anybody. I do think though that if you really have any inkling of trying a reconciliation, you need to start off on a very different foot with her, with very different ground rules, and a different you, too---more Action Man, less Gumby, giving in for the sake of peace no matter what contorted position you were left in when the incident was over. She strikes me as a woman who would appreciate a certain strength in a man. Think Oak, not dandelion fluff.

t&l

Hey Orchid, remember that I'm used to her. It don't mean nothin'.

... and sorry about the headache.

-AD

Too true, T&L, too true!

I know she always said she wanted "leadership", but she never followed anyway, so it's a mystery to me what she meant by it.

I think I just have to do my own thing for awhile.

-AD

I see the divorce has some effect...but not alot on her. Sure, she's trying to extend an olive leaf with the dinner cooking...

And you're kinda spinning too...I mean just signed and within days you're off to web sites.

This is why I get scared on match and others...

I just think you need some time to heal and sort out the stuff...not alot of time, but some time.

Divorceis still an adjustment...even ifyou've been separatedf for a while.

Just make me understand what is happening here? I love ya AD...Ithink maybe you're trying to turn the tables on your xw. It could happen. It could. My dog could sprout wings and fly if he thought and concentrated hard enough...or just take a poo.

Your ww is still in the affair? Is it still active?

If so, this could be a great time to go into plan B...post D!

Fill some EN's. Be attractive...alluring. Do the dried oatmeal workout thing. Appear foggy to her right back! And it wouldn't hurt if you maybe had lying around something about dating or being single...so she'd know she had her work cut out for her.

You could be al about plan A...and during one of those walks when she says "well we could always remarry"...you could say"I wouldn't want to go back to that. I want a marriage with a woman to be special. Incredible. Full of life, and love. No third parties allowed hon. Even if it was you I chose. If you know that woman, or a woman like that, let me meet her. IF you don't, then just trust I will find her myself somewhere out there cause I am not wasting one more minute of life." You could even change your routine and shake her up more...but in reality, you doing something different, going somewhere different is just about recovery for you period. Either way I see it, it helps the sitch.

I think if you play this right, she could become a completely broken woman. But you gotta do it right. And accept if she is unable to become that, then you made all these right changes for the right reasons...for you, and the kids..and foryou to begin your tomorrows knowing that somebody else better for you is out there.

Hi Peachy!

Well, I don't make much of what my XW says. I don't think she's a bad person, she's just stumbling in the dark and doesn't know where she is, who she is, or what she wants.

I'm not trying to put on a performance to influence my XW. I'm just going to be myself and do what I need to do for myself. If that influences her, then fine, and if it doesn't, that's fine too.

I don't know what she's doing with OM - if anything. I have seen no sign of him other than the fact that he gave her a computer a few months ago. She said she missed cooking for somebody, and if she is sincere in saying that, then he hasn't been around. Usually her apartment is a serious mess, but yesterday (was it yesterday), she had cleaned it. I don't think she would have him over if her place was a mess. So, I figure she's doing somethign with him when DD is with me, or if her appt. is clean, after DD goes to bed. But, I don't see (and am not looking for) any signs of that.

I canceled my Yahoo Personals account today (free trial 7-day ending), but I'm still on eHarmony. I don't see any harm in it. I have some gripes about eHarmony but I think they're trying to do something right. I may cancel that also in a couple of days, but they have connected me with a few interesting ladies. I think the big problem is going to be kids - as most of these matches are 2 hours drive from here. I don't want to relocate because it would mess up my visitation with my daughter - and many ladies are in the same situation. Eventually, I might get more matches locally.

There is no deadline, but I do have a sense of urgency. I'm 47, and my goal is to have a family. The odds are against me, and I know that you yourself, would go "ick!" if some guy 10-12 years older came after you, LOL, so...

I have to focus on what's important, and elliminate everthing else. If I'm able to do it, hallaleuia!, and if after, say 18 months or 2 years, I'm not well down that path, then I may reconsider and go for companionship instead of family - which also would be wonderful. In that case, the age requirements would be relaxed and I'm sure I could find somebody.

Meanwhile, I'm alive and trying to make the best of it!

-AD

Orchid and Peachy,

I get the feeling that you think it unwise for me to go looking for another wife right now.

But consider first that my marriage was pretty much aweful all the way through - from the first month til the last - and that OM was in the picture from one month after our wedding (lots of phone calls) until now.

So, I've done most of the grieving long ago. "What might have been" was actually impossible under the circumstances.

I'm feeling good. I'm not foggy at all, and I don't want to appear so.

I have a clear-eyed goal. It's not an easy goal, but it is acheivable. I'm not looking for "dates" - but rather for a serious relationship which can lead to marriage. The moment I realize that it's not heading there, I'll end it. Now, there are some ladies out there who have the same goal - to have a family. Some of them are, say, 36 - and they are feeling that it's getting to be now or never. They too are serious. We'll meet. Parts of it might be too business-like for your taste, but I'm the kind of guy who'll create the romance downstream rather than upstream. I'm the least "player-like" person imaginable, but I'm very loyal and commitment is my middle name.

If I find a woman who shares my goals, then I will make it my purpose in life to make her happy, to become the man she needs - and I'll do it wholeheartedly without looking back.

You only live once (on this earth). I might as well fling myself into the life I really want, without restraint. (If that don't scare the ladies off, I'll send 'em my picture, LOL)

-AD

Well, my XW continues to pursue reconcilliation - while I've found a nice lady to at least exchange emails with. Most likely, it won't go far, but it's pleasant and it's on the path to where I want to go.

-AD

AD,

U & I are 'classmates' agewise, right?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok classmate or 'cuz, I want you t/b happy. What I don't want is for you to go into any R w/o being emotionally ready. I am sure your needs are in the negative and dying t/b met. Granted but I also know u iz 1 smart guy and know better than to jump from the fryin' pan into da' fire. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

IMHO, no recon....... there needs to be proof you accept beyond a shadow of a doubt and non of this BS needs to appease the xWS stuff. Nope, AD is waaay to bright to fall for that kind of babble.

That's my 2 cents.... it's on the house (hale - hawaiian style - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ).

Aloha,
L.

Don't listen to the xw.

If you've been separated for a while prior to divorce, are not actively grieving...then you can imho if you feel like it...date.

But don't crush another woman's hopes if WxW suddenly falls to her knees weeping over your loss and cannot spend another day not by your side.

I would not do that to a nice woman, who has done nothing to you, just wants an honest relationship.

I guess when the door to prior R is shut, then it's ok to move ahead. But if the old R or M is emotionally still a part of your life...then I would spend time focusing on me, doing the dried oatmeal thing and gym thing...and above all be a good dad to my kids until time I feel emotionally right and then full speed ahead. That's what I did...well except for dried oatmael part.