Hi Ladies!

Orchid,

I'm not sure what you're saying, but if you're saying what I think you're saying, I'm pretty much in agreement with you.

Peach,

I don't really hold out anything more than the 1% chance that I would go back to my XW. And, I'm a very honest man. I told the lady that I'm communicating with, that my XW is trying to get me back - and I'll keep her (eHarmony gal) updated if anything changes there. I agree with you completely. I don't want to hurt anybody - and I'm not playing games with anybody.

.... more about my XW and etc. ...

I've told my XW that her words simply have no power anymore - because she has made empty promises, lied etc. too many times. So, she's going to have to show me something by her actions - and that would take time - and both she and I realize that since we are not spending time together, there is no way for her to show me anything. Meanwhile, I'm not waiting for her. If she gets her act together and figures out a way to show me something, and meanwhile nothing serious develops elsewhere, I might reconsider.

She says "you don't know if you can trust some new woman", to which I reply - "but at least there a chance that she's trustworthy. You have proven that you are not."

I asked her "why would you want me? You hate me, as you have told me at least once a week for the last serveral years". She replied "I won't say that anymore." I said, "well, OK, that's nice. In case you didn't catch it, you just made a promise. I'll be watching to see if you keep it."

And, I should note, that I'm sure she has said "I hate you" (to me) within the last 7 days. I mostly just ignore that kind of thing, but I'm sure I've heard it recently - probably when I wouldn't agree to some unfavorable change to the visitation schedule.

So, enough about my XW.

Gotta go wash DD's hair....

-AD

just a drive by AD to see if you are ok?

lets see SUNDAY>>>ANY MORE PROPOSALS? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well AD I guess its a case of the consequences coming home to your XW.
Its just that she has started to accept them way to late for you right now.

You are in the drivers seat AD. Find out what makes you happy now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

all the best

So how'd the hair washing go? Wasn't there a song about that in "South Pacific"? Wouldn't it be nice if we really could? What kind of shampoo would that take? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Caustic, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Hi AD,

Just checking in. Sheesh, you've been free for 3 weeks or so and the women are already lining up! How does it feel?

About the age thing...I don't think you would have a problem finding a W 10 years younger or so. My dad was 10 years older than my mother. They were married 37 years when he died. And my uncle, who is 68, is married to a woman who is 37!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I think they've been married for about 4 years now. They don't have children, though - I don't think that either of them want them at this point - but they could if they wanted!

Personally, I wouldn't rule out a 47-year-old. (but I would a 68 year-old!)

~svb

SVB,

I know there seems like no hope with your STBXH - but if he came around and said he made a mistake and wanted you back - and would do whatever it took to accomplish that, how would respond?

-AD

T&L,

The hair-washing went normally, of course. It's a daily routine.

-AD

AW,

Yeah, I guess reality is settling in. No proposals today, but I think she (XW) might have repeated it sometime this week. I don't pay much attention.

-AD

Hi AD. You devil.

Your XW is mentally ill. I hope you can detach enough to let her deal with it on her own. How's yer dawter?

GC

UPDATE:

I had an "incident" this morning, with XW. I think I handled it well.

I had an invitation to Sunday dinner - with some friends of ours - an older couple, very active, wealthy, generous - people who helped my XW tremendously at a critical time before we met. (when she was in the hospital, and they paid for her surgery.) She was hurt that she was not invited, and tried very hard to push her way in - and also tried to take DD after church today.

I took care of it. I didn't let her interfere with my day with DD. She was crying before she left, but that's not my problem anymore.

-AD

Hi GC,

I'm no devil! I just signed up for eHarmony (And why not? I'm a single man!). So, I'm corresponding with one nice lady. That's all. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe not. Considering the normal course of life, one has to assume that it won't go far, but it's pleasant anyway - and far too early to tell. She's quite some distance away and it would be at least 2nd weekend in November before I could even think of paying a visit for an actual date kind of thing.

Yes, of course, my XW has problems, but I think I'm on track. I got sucked into a 2-hour phone call the other night, after I told her I was on eHarmony. That was a mistake I won't repeat, and really not so horrible a mistake after all.

Daughter's fine. We had a good weekend togther, and I have her next weekend too - since we swiched around some. I'll also have her for T-giving this year and more after Christmas. I look forward to my time with her.

-AD

That's two hours you won't get back.

Okay that sounded a little cold. Not the idea. I just wholeheartedly believe in the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" part.

GC

I know there seems like no hope with your STBXH - but if he came around and said he made a mistake and wanted you back - and would do whatever it took to accomplish that, how would respond?

AD, are you absolutely sure that you wouldn't take your ex back? It sounds to me as if you might be considering it a little.

To be totally honest, I think that there is less than no hope with my STBXH. I can't imagine that he would say anything like that to me. Even if he has any doubts at all, I think he's too proud to ever admit that he's made a mistake.

In the past, IF he ever would have said something like that to me, I probably would have requested the following:

1. That he give me the FULL truth about his past behaviors and thoughts.
2. That he continue to see an IC for all of his issues - the emotional abuse, etc. (I like what you said about your ex-w - that she is confused about who she is and what she wants - I see my STBXH the same way. Maybe a good IC can help him/them)
3. That he promise to go to MC with me.

But I know now that he will never do those things. I honestly don't think that he will ever change.

I've been living alone for almost 5 months now. I think my own fog is clearing and I am starting to realize that life can be good without STBXH. I almost feel as if I can breathe again. I don't know if I ever want to go back to the way I was living before with him -- with his control, his secrets, his lies, his anger, his looks of complete hate and disgust, his lack of respect, his sense of entitlement, MY walking on eggshells, MY anxiety, my loss of self.

Now, if he truly wanted to reconcile, he would really have to prove it to me ... from afar. If we got back together right away, nothing would change. I can't trust my STBXH, either. In the meantime, I'm going to live my own life. I would tell him all of this. I think it's pretty much what you've already told your ex, too, isn't it? Actually, I might even give him an outright, "no thanks." Before I moved, my IC told me that, after what I've been thru with STBXH, that I might eventually enjoy living on my own too much - that I might decide that I don't want him anymore. I think she might be right.

But, like I said before, it ain't gonna happen. He'll never tell me that he wants me back. (Then again, he DID leave me a voicemail on Friday saying that he needs to ask me a question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> We've been playing phone tag since then. What could it be?)

What else is your ex-w telling you?

Probably he's asking some kind of Q about income taxes or something like that.

What is my ex-w telling me? That she'll give me another child (which she only says because she knows I want one), that she misses me (which I don't believe)...

Mostly she just missed DD when DD's with me - and says she wants to give DD an intact family (as if it were my fault that she doesn't have one). I don't think it has anything to do with me.

Sunday we had an "incident". It was a bit ugly since I found myself in a church parking lot - following my xw, who was carrying DD away (on my weekend), saying "If you're going to act like this, I'll never bring DD here again" (to that particular church - their church). I didn't like to be in that situation - and I'm sure some people were walking to their cars and overheard - probably thought I was a heathen (instead of just a Baptist).

XW met DD after her "children's church" and started carrying her away. I told her I had been invited to lunch and DD would go with me. She said she would follow me to our friends house (to which she was unsure of the directions). So, I just drove home - and she followed. When we got here, I stopped and got out. She looked distressed and confused. I told her that if she showed up at lunch there (at the home of one of the most prominent couples in my church, with the new music minister and familly also invited), I would tell the assembled company over lunch exactly why we are divorced. She was sitting in her car, hugging DD tightly - and with tears running down her face. I think the only reason she left DD with me is fear that I would make some complaint to the court about her interfering with my visitation. So, I arrived at lunch about 10 minutes late - not a problem.

Yeah, I know, you didn't ask about that - but maybe it answers your question anyway.

SVB, I'm glad you are starting to get your head clear and realize that not only is life good - it is much better than life with your XH.

Would I take her back? Yes and no.

The eHarmony lady has dismissed me - after coming to the conclusion that I am too recently divorced and (she said) still have feelings for my X. Maybe she's right. Certainly I can say that I still care about my XW - but not enough to keep me from sending her away in tears when she tries to get in the way of my visitation. I'm toughening up in that respect. I don't want to hurt her, but this is the deal we struck - and this is the deal the judge signed. I'm not going to budge from my time with my daughter.

She didn't drop DD off today on the way to class (if she went to class). I tried to call once, but she didn't answer. Next week, I'll ask her if she needs me to keep DD on Monday night to let me know in advance, since I'll not be sitting around waiting for her. I miss DD more today because she was here for 4 nights in a row. I'd love to have DD here, but I don't like being stood up. I rushed home (left work early) to be here at 5.

I would take her back if she became a faithful and honest woman - but I would have no way of knowing that she had become that. So, unless by some miracle she became such a person and figured out a way to prove it to me, the answer would be "no".

And just in case you wondered, I did notice your comment to the effect that you would not rule out a 47-year-old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

... but this is a marriage building site, and you're still married, so I'll not say anything more about that... for the time being. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Hi AD,
Good to see you thinking about things.

I think your logic is correct. You can only continue on with life, and see where things go.

SS

Hi AD,

Just some thoughts....

I find it ironic that your XW would tell you that she would give you another child, but yet doesn't want you to spend time w/ the child that you have. Talk about a definite difference between words and actions. Hmmmmm It seems to me that it is still really all about her, and not you. OK, this is just an outsider's observation. Maybe I'm wrong.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out with Ms. eHarmony. But at least maybe it gives you a little more time to heal after your D, even though I know that you are kind of in a hurry. You know we worry about you.

And finally,

And just in case you wondered, I did notice your comment to the effect that you would not rule out a 47-year-old.

... but this is a marriage building site, and you're still married, so I'll not say anything more about that... for the time being.

Hey! What ever happened to that comment you made about not fishing for MB post-D mermaids? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi SVB!

Nice to see you here. I read your "report" on your weekend with your STBXH - and I'm really glad that it was relatively painless. You balancing the checkbook reminds me that my XW told me she was going to visit her parents in Moscow (her brother lives there and her folks will be there) in December. She was afraid that I would object. Instead I went and searched for flights for her - because she has never done that - found a good deal with a reasonable schedule - and sent the itenerary to her. I did it just because I enjoy shopping for tickets. (And I think you enjoy balancing checkbooks.) She was grateful, but I don't think she has bought the tickets, and when she next goes to look - they will probably be hundreds of $$$ more - but it will be a lesson to her, I suppose. I won't schedule her trips again.

In defense of my XW (I know I shouldn't defend her, but she's not here), it's not that she doesn't want me to have time with my daughter, but rather that she doesn't want to be separated from her. She gets intensely lonely when DD is not there. But, that's just too bad, and there's nothing we can do about it.

It's sweet of you to worry about me. Really, I'm OK. I'm surprised at how OK I am.

I had a chess game tonight with a friend, and I really enjoyed it - scheduled another in 3 weeks.

Not fishing, no. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Well, today, for the first time I heard XW say that she regrets, "not only the D, but the choices [ she ] made which led to it".

That's a tiny budge in the right direction.

What I have found is that when I am firm with her, she yeilds. I never knew that while were married, because I didn't feel like I had the right to be firm with her in that way.

What led to this discussion was that DD's little choir was going to sing at the Wednesday evening service at their church. So, I called XW this morning - not long before lunch - to confirm that they were going to be there - and that the choir was, indeed, going to sing.

She replied by saying that she was very hurt by the way I treated her Sunday - sending her away in tears in DD's presence. I reiterated that if she was hurt, she had hurt herself, and comforting her was no longer my job. She hung up on me. No problem, I was done talking anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Then, she called back (familiar pattern) to give me a piece of her mind. yada yada yada...

Finally I gave her a metaphor. She hates my metaphors, but apparently this one got through. I told her "If you put your foot under the wheel, it's going to get crushed, and it's not the wheel's fault. If you interfere with my visitation with DD, you are going to get hurt." She jawed at me for awhile longer - saying that she wasn't going to give me my weekend with DD this weekend (which I traded for) - since it wasn't supposed to be my weekend. I reminded her that she had agreed to exchange weekends so that I could do my Grand Canyon trip (visit with the very fine, generous and hospitable S.S) - and if she did not follow through on that, it would just another instance of her not keeping her comittments. She continued to jaw at me until my lunch-buddy stuck his head in the door, and I told her I had to go.

So, at lunch the cell rang 3 times. I just silenced it without answering.

After lunch, I called her back to say that I heard her calls, but was at lunch and didn't want to get into it on the phone with her while I was with my buddy.

And, get this, SHE APPOLOGIZED, rather nicely I thought. She said that she thought about it and realized that if I felt as strongly about spending time with DD as she did, she understood that I would be defending my time with her pretty firmly. That's when she got around to saying that she regretted the actions that she took which led to the D. She said that, although she will miss DD terribly, I will have her this weekend as agreed.

It's a tiny, baby step. I'm not waiting for her, but I can't say that I'm not pleased to see that anyway.

At the church service, I sat near her, but not too near. DD, in the "cherub choir" barely moved her lips and held her hands over her ears when the other kids where shouting "AMEN". Ah, kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She'll get there.

DD was in a good mood, very sweet and affectionate to me - leading me out by the finger afterwards and whispering a dinner invitation in my ear. I told her "no, I already ate, and I have to go" - and off I went. <sigh>

But, I was headed to my church for choir practice, which was GREAT!

BTW, I've never been one for attending Wednesday evening services, but there is something nice about stopping at a church on the way home from work for an hour of singing and a little talk. I kinda liked it.

-AD

I keep wondering what will happen.
I think you have finally gotten to the place where you aren't holding your breath waiting for her.

It looks like that is a good thing.

I notice that you are good at putting your thoughts into writing. You get better as you go along too.

I keep praying for you - and her too. All of you. You are a lot like Graycloud in one way - better than you give yourself credit for much of the time. Celebrate your strengths, and work on your weaknesses. Dont' be limited by your faults.

SS

S.S.,

So, I'm like a big Greyhound?!

Oh, sorry, a bit like Greycloud.

Perhaps in one way I am, but not in another.

On a scale of 1 to 100, my bitterness factor is somewhere around a 2.

GC is still burdened by all the bad stuff his XW did to him. He refuses to speak to her - and by doing that, gives her a kind of power over him. The goal should be to allow all the grief to pass, the anger to dissipate - and come to the point where the XW is just another person - who engenders no strong feelings of any kind.

I think I'm a lot further down that path that GC is, and probably that is because I had a very different marriage than he did. He apparently had a close and loving relationship with his XW and was blindsided by her betrayal (not only of him, but of the young mother and chilren who were her OM's family) - while I, on the other hand, had a very tense and frequently antagonistic marriage all the way through - where divorce was mentioned and discussed quite frequently - and in which I was aware of OM's presence from the first month of my marriage til the last. I think it is much easier to move forward in my case. I still glance back to see if that person who was once my wife is changing in any interesting way - and I have to talk to my XW (which GC does not) since we have a child together, and for the sake of my child, I have to show some respect to my daughter's mom.

My XW treats me better now, than when she was married to me.

So, I'm glad that I have the easier time now (though I'm sorry for GS's sufferrings). I'm sure GC would not want to have experience the first 6 months of my marriage. I paid early, so now, I've paid up my debt of pain and can go forward relatively pain-free.

-AD

You also understand some of the reasons she is the way she is and that helps.

She IS changing, but so are you.

You have more confidence now - and it looks good on you.

SS