Update:

I'm feeling a bit dizzy - and I hope it just means that I'm coming down with something.

My XW is now saying almost all the things I wanted to hear her say - and my resolve is drifting a bit. I brought her some sushi when I went by to pick up my daughter this evening. I used to bring her sushi sometimes. It doesn't smell as nice as flowers, but you can eat it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'll write more about it later,
... if anybody asks.

-AD

AD,

Ever consider your wife just might be cake eating to ease her transition into being single. Sorry if I’m a bit jaded, but I figure the best indication of future behavior is past behavior. What tangible actions could she take that would ever warrant taking another stab at marrying a woman that, by your admission, has had OM around since day one and generally contributed to a lousy marriage?

I hope the above isn’t too “over the top” cynical, but I’m in a rather caustic mood regarding my STBX.

AD


well come on, tell!

you know I of all people am a reconciliation nut ...BUT make sure you take things SLOW dear friend.

Testing waters with a thermometer instead of your toe will allow you to walk without pain!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Binder,

Welcome to my thread! I don't think I've seen you on here before (or it's been awhile).

Hello AW, welcome back.

...... waht waht what. That's it, "what" am I thinking?!

I'm pretty sure I can't reconstruct all the discussions (mostly her monologue, because I've been pretty unresponsive)...

There are several things that she has said
1) She has not told OM that she is divorced. I believe this, because it fits her MO. As soon as she tells him that, he's going to start pressuring her. She expects that within two days he'll show up with a ring, and knowing her nature, she'll feel guilty for putting him to the expense and etc. etc. Not telling him gives her control of the situation. She can tell him when she wants to. But, of course, she could be telling me something she thinks I want to hear too. That's not impossible.
2) She talked about being able, years down the road, to tell the story - and have it be a good and inspiring story for our daughter - a story about doing the right thing.
3) She remembers some things that I used to do for her, and says that she can't imagine anybody else doing.
4) She came to me with her problem - relationship with her girlfriend (former neighbor). She says I'm the only one she feels safe discussing her problems with.
5) Again, she says that she regrets doing the things she has done - and it seems like a movie - something somebody else did, but admits that she did. (Now there was in her monologue one attempt at providing an alternative story for one particular visit with OM, and I'm not buying it entirely although it is possible. This is a minus.)
6) She says that she knows that she has much to comfess to me.

I'm tired of numbers. She says that she knows she wasn't a good wife, but believes that she can be. Again (not for the first time), she says that we could not to go back to the old marriage, to the way things were - that it would have to be completeley different and new. She also says (aren't you tired of that phrase) that I have to be firmer with her - and if she is doing something that is bad for the family, I have a right to stop her. (In practice, this is a very difficult undertaking).

She admits that she didn't realize what divorce would be like - and that the separations from DD are the hardest parts for her. (So, we know that it is not so much me that she wants, but that she wants to avoid being separated from our child.)

The important thing is that I never told her what I wanted to hear from her. She said all these things without any prompting.

At this point, I think the odds of me getting back together with her have risen from 1% to ???? - maybe 15% ??? I've got to wait and see - and not tip my hand either.

It would be interesting to remarry on our anniverary - which is December 19th - only question "this year or next?". This year, would save on my taxes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Sorry, frugality bites. Doesn't it?

But how can I get any confidence by then?

I'm nuts. I admit it. But, still, life is good - either way.

Thanks for reading my accounts from the nuthouse.

Oh, and just to add a touch of something different, there is a policeman hiding in my yard watching my neighbors tonight. He rang my doorbell to ask if it is OK (identified himself and showed his badge).

-AD

Oh well...

XW was here - halfway tried to seduce me, well, more than halfway. She would have succeeded if she had wanted to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> All this does is confuse me. Probably it was a combination of test and manipulation. A test, to see if she could get to me. (She can.) A manipulation, to try to push things in a direction she wants. (If it was that, I don't think it worked.) I can only guess what was in her mind. Did anything change? I don't think this made recociliation more likely, but it sure messed with my head - and interferred with me looking forward to the future.

<sigh> I've got to be tougher and smarter than this.

-AD

AD,

I'm concerned Binder might be right.

It's nice that she hasn't told OM about the divorce. It would be even nicer if she sent him an NC letter.

Ahhhh... so Ms. eHarmony was right.

Here's what I think (tho I seem to be wrong an awful lot). But I'll tell you anyway...

I can't blame you for wanting to believe your XW. You care for her, you have a history together, you have a DD with her. I wish there was a way you could look into her mind and heart and know if she really means everything she says. It sure does sound good.

What runs through my mind, though, is what everyone goes through in plan B. How many WS say all of the right things to come home? How many of them mean it long term? I let my STBX home when he told me that he thought that our M was worth working on. He came home and he just thumbed through the MB concepts that I printed out for him. He said that he already knew all that stuff - it was common sense - and then continued in his old ways. It was convenient for him to be with me - especially financially. I think as soon as he came home he started planning his month-long trip to visit his family (without me, of course). I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to swing a trip like that if he were on his own. I look back on it now and I feel used and stupid. In my mind I picture him saying, "SUCKER! You fell for it!" My H didn't come home for me.

I don't want to see you get used. You deserve more than that.

What if you took her back? What if you got remarried THIS Dec. 19? Would she go back to her old ways, and if so, how long would it take? How long would it take for her to forget what it was like to be D'd? Can you imagine having to go through a D again?

If you are really interested in reconciling w/her, which I could understand, I would take things slowly. I wouldn't rush into getting back together. I'd let her prove to you from afar that she is serious. Maybe you can start to date her and you can see how she behaves over time. Will she meet your needs and avoid LBs over time?

Would she send a NC letter?

Words.....lovely, scary, wonderful, manipulating words..... followed up by what? Seduction?

What r u 2 her? An OM? Now where is her loyalty to anyone?

Sorry 2/b harsh here. Don't want to see you hurt more.

If there is any truth or chance, it needs t/b tested. U have been burned before and your need t/b cautious is great.

So what t/d?

1. U have already heard her out.
2. Somehow, someone needs to let the OM know her status. Let him pressure her into whatever..... that w/b her problem and better to get that out and over with. We all know an A exposed lacks the spark of the chase. No fun when you can see your object clearly. A WS with a big I'm divorced sign on their rump is just not appealing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

3. As of yet, she hasn't proved anything other than she can talk big and c/b seductive. The OM already knew that. U did also. So what else is new? That's what you need to tell her.

Ok, I will stop for now. You have been through a lot and what is ahead requires you keep your clear mind and calm heart.

take care, bro'.

L.

SVB got it right, and Orchid expanded on it. Listen to these gals - and memorize what they are saying.

Quote from SVB
Will she meet your needs and avoid LBs over time?

Even good actors (um - or actresses) can't maintain it all the time.

It may be hard to know if she is acting, and lets down, or just is tired, and has a relapse. If she is for real, time will tell. Like maybe a year, or two.

Can YOU go that long? Can you take that king of time with your clock ticking away? Do you even want to?

It is still for you to look at this from afar (the big picture) and make some decisions. If she is acting, then she probably knows she needs to do it really quickly. If so, she will push it, and make demands if you don't respond soon.

It is up to you to decide what you want to do, and tell her straight out. Of course, you don't mention that you are waiting to see if she is acting, but (for instance) you tell her that you have been hurt, and that you need time to recover before considering re-marriage. If she is willing to wait, and date, you will consider it, but if she tries to set conditions you don't care to work with her on it.

Consider this carefully. Remember what was said above about if the first time was bad, the second time would be that much worse.

Knowing the whole 7 years were laced with verbal and emotional abuse from her (and an A is the worst kind.) I would have a hard time even considering being with her again.

You tell us what is going on, but not much about your thought processes, or your plan.

What are you thinking? Where would you like this to go?
How do you plan to protect yourself?

SS

Shameless thread jack -

Hi Orchid !!!
SS Waves and smiles.

Now back to your regulary scheduled discussion.

Hi SS.....howzit going? U gotta do an update thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now waiting for a response from AD.

Hi,

I'm home, tired, but appreciate of each of you taking the time to think about me and my situation. I'm thinking, but right now, I'm going to go log in to eHarmony and reply to some ladies there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Then, I'm going to sleep.

I'll be back.

-AD

AD -

Be careful not to oversleep and miss work!!

Hope you find some 24K eHarmony ladies.

Georgia

AD??

AD, if your XW ever comes along and shows evidence that some kind of selflessness (toward your child doesn't count) has been conceived in her soul, then maybe then it would make some sense to listen to her.

If that ever happens for true, you will no doubt feel the thud. Don't hold your breath.

She seems to lack a certain depth. What am I saying? All XWW do.

GC

Hi folks!

Thanks to all who have stopped by to look for me.

I've been staying off the boards for a few days.

I had a great time with SS and his family. What a rare and wonderful thing to find such generosity and hospitality! To SS, Mrs. SS, the twins, the other two girls and their husbands, I again say THANKS.

While I was looking up at the stars near the rim of the canyons, I was remembering not only what a wonder the natural world is, but also that I would not have been there without the connections generated on the Internet (which is itself not considered part of the natural world).

IMPORTANT NOTE TO ALL WHO HAVE FOLLOWED MY STORY.

Before I left for my trip, I told my XW about this forum and she has been reading here. Much of it she found painful to read, but she has been reading the concepts and the books too.

If any of you feel that anything you said about her was ungenerous, you have a chance to make appologies (if it seems appropriate). Otherwise, I ask you to be fair and considerate to her - in anything that you write.

-AD

Hi Georgia,

I've been thinking about you (and reading your thread). I hope everything goes smoothly for you next week.

Hi SVB1,

Yes, I'm alive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi Greycloud,

I'm listening to what my XW has to say - and, for my child's sake, and not only for that, but for all of our sakes, I'm more than willing to consider the possibility that we might all be together again sometime in the future. I'm taking it slowly though.

-AD

AD, for myself, I might have been ungenerous, but anything I write about someone I assume they may read.

Nobody around here wants your ex to suffer, but we wish she wouldn't hurt you, and if she does suffer because of that, maybe that makes her lucky.

I think living an examined life is good. I recommend it for anyone.

GC

Oh, and another thing. It's true; SS is an excellent man. I met him once too, and no doubt will see him again sometime.

GC

Hi AD, welcome back.