If your XW has been lying to you, you might consider doing a 180 or go to plan B.

Sorry about the latest developments, but they are not unexpected.

I feel your pain and will keep you in my prayers.

UVA,

I would prefer to just move forward without her.

I've got to keep before my eyes and in my mind all the lies, deceptions, sneaking around etc. When I lose sight of that, I start listening to her again.

-AD

If she keeps on lying to you and you just want to move on, then do so. What I suggest is that you do not maintain the same type of relationship that you now have with her if she keeps abusing your trust.

Just don't put up with her crap! You don't have to.

Best

UVA,

You're preachin' to the choir. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

But thanks! I'm lonely here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

-AD

I know how you feel right now, but in the end you will be ok.

Sooooo,

You are lonely for female companiosip?

Or you want to talk because you are bummed by what you found out?

How's the side job comming? If it were me, this would make it doubly hard.

Back when I said pray about it -

This is what I meant. He knows if she will run you through the wringer, or if her heart is right.

He does hate divorce, but he hates deception, and he wants you to have peace too. Remember, the penalty for Adultry in old testemant times was death. One of the things it meant was freedom for the BS. Think about that. Not the death part, but the freedom part.

You want her to get it, and repent, and for things to work. God knows if they will work

Unless she comes after YOU, and is repentant, and unless the myriad of things she holds against you (most of which are not valid) are forgiven in her mind, what have you got?

Continue to seek after the truth about what she is doing. I think Jesus said that "the truth shall make you free."

You are too good a man to have this happen. I feel for you.

SS

AD--Sorry to hear that your book is still having some rough chapters. I'd tell you the ending if I could (but only after I peeked at the ending of mine!!!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Take care.

t&l

P.S. I HATE rough chapters! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

SS,

Actually, I was just lonely for somebody to talk to. I'm not much interested in female companionship at the moment. I will be, sometime soon, but not at this hour. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, if it's real companionship, I guess it would be ok if it was female. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> But... I mean real companionship.

You are right about seeking the truth. I want to find all the bad stuff now - and try to make sure it is a large enough dose to finally kill any love I have for her. Actually, I'm feeling a little sorry for her now, because I know she is disappointed about not making it see her folks on New Years - but that's not my problem. If she had planned ahead, that would not have happened. Feeling sorry for her doesn't have to mean that I can trust her - and especially not that I can put my heart and life in her hands again.

...and praying. Honestly, the only prayers I have now are for my daughter. For myself, I rarely pray. But I'll try to start.

Yes, the side job took a hit. I wasted a lot of time yesterday and this morning. I thought about calling the man and telling him he didn't owe me anything and I was sorry, but I can't do it. The thing is, it's a hard problem, but I think I can do it. So, I've decided to just do the best I can, and if I don't think my efforts are worth his money, I'll tell him to pay me less than the agreed price. BTW, there's a single lady (with kids) who works for him - met her yesterday - seemed pleasant.

"...what have you got?", (SS asked).
Nothing (at least from XW).


T&L

Honestly, I don't want to know the future. That would make life boring, and fatalistic. After all, if I'm lucky, my old bones will be tossed in a hole someday - and it's probably better not to know the circumstances immediately preceding that. If they are wonderful circumstances, with loved ones at my bedside, tenderly caring for me, then I'll be amazed at God's goodness to me. If they are otherwise, alone in a nursing home, with poor care, well, that's OK too - 'cause I probably deserve it. Until then, I am alive, and I need to do something to prove it.

And... knowing the future would mean that the future is fixed and nothing I do affects it - like riding a train (and not the engineer) - stuck on these rails til they hit the end of the line. If that were true, I would become a lazy good-for-nothing guy. So, it's good that the choices we make and the things we do make a difference - that our fate is not decided until we have make all our choices. I don't want to start a religous discussion here, but I don't think, in the details, God makes all the choices. He has offered us the freedom to make choices, and by the same token, unless he knows in advance every choice we will make, (which I would think would be unsatisfying to a Creator), we can surprise him (a little) along the way.

The only thing that matters - ever - now and in eternity - is that one thing, pleasing God. To hear the words "well done", from God, the creator of the universe is the prize above all prizes. I want to live my life with my eyes on that prize.

UPDATE - OK, I'll tell more.

The day after what would have been 7th aniversary, the day we were talking about just going to the court house and getting re-married, OM bought plane tickets for her. She lied to me about it - saying that she had bought them on-line from the computer at the library because her computer at home had crashed - but didn't think the order went through because there was a problem and she never got the confirmation that the purchase happened. Then, the next day, she said, she got a confirmation email. What really happened (probably) is that her purchase didn't go through, she told him about it, and he bought her the tickets.

This, after I agreed to give her some of my time with DD - to allow her to be at her parents on New Years (which didn't work out due to travel problems), after I spent hours searching for tickets for her, after I invited her to participate in Christmas with me and my daughter - and after all that, she's still not only in communication with OM - but accepting major favors from him.

I've noticed some other painful things too, but that's enough for me.

PLEASE HELP ME STAY AWAY FROM HER.

And, a Happy New Year to you all, LOL.

-AD

AD, sorry you're going thru such a rough time. The New Year is sure to be better, but it's best to DECIDE to make it better, and work on ourselves.

Hope the year 2006 brings you peace!

AD,

You need to move on. She does not respect if she is treating you like this. You need to move on.

some folks just like the fog too darn much to change...she is imho, addicted to the drama she has created. she enjoys also Ad, my thoughts being she likes BEING CHASED AND PURSUED...and it is a big huge game to her right now. She is single legally...and can pretend to see you and OM at same time.

She has got herself a huge plate of wayward upside down cake in front of her.

I say go dark for a while. Let her know that AD is available! But not for the wayward! I'd let her know you know and say something like this...WOW...I DON'T THINK WE CAN BREAK UP ANY MORE HONEY...BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY DIVORCED...LET'S JUST START ACTING LIKE IT OK?\

Let her know you hand her over to OM on a platter! We will see how happy she is...

I am so sorry she did not turn around. I believed it for so long.

And you can tell her if she doesn't watch it, your new friends in ATL can fix you up with eligible women from GA! Tell her NONE of your business...nada...zilch...go dark! She is your xw anyway. I think she should start feeling like one!

She had it good for too long imho. Dark dear! Very dark! One of 2 things will happen...it will either end the A now...or it will allow you to let go a bit more...even further than the signed decree...and let you realize you are a live and still breathing after this! B gave me relief. Lots of it actually.

Again, I am sorry for her stupidity.

JP,

I read your post a couple of hours ago, and I've been thinking about it. I appreciate you taking the time to think about my sitch and post about it, but I think you've come to some conclusions about my XW which aren't indicated by the evidence.

She is still the mother of my only child, and I've got to have a co-parenting relationship with her for the next 14 years at least. I want my daughter to respect her mother.


I don't think that's it. I don't think she likes drama at all, and she's not playing games. I think she just wants two things:
1) 100% time with our daughter.
2) OM

And she keeps swinging back and forth between two directions. Like every other WS we've heard about, she's "addicted" to whatever OM does for her. I don't believe she's evil, just weak. And inasmuch as we are not married (nor engaged), the only thing I have any right to complain about is the lies - and the lies really hurt worse than the truth. I don't think I can ever trust her again.


To some extent this is true. She "won" back a few of my days with DD by being sortof nice to me - by talking about reconciliation. So, she got what she wanted. Instead of 10 days with DD, I got 6. She promised a couple of extra weekends to make up for it, but I have to trust her for that. We'll see if I get them. I think I will, but can't say for sure.


That's exactly where I am, except I never called her "honey".


Really!? You can?! Oh boy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


That's where I was going ... until she started to try to reel me back in, but now I'm back on course. Eharmony is reactivated, and I've been going through the process with a couple of new matches. Also, there was an old eharmony match who said "call me if the reconcilliation falls through".

And also, I need to get back into the mode of thinking about, of all people, me - and doing things that I enjoy - alone, or with guy friends (of which I am almost bereft at the moment). It's not only dating that I need, but a large dose of taking care of myself.

-AD

I agree you need a large dose of taking care of yourself.

Make a list of the things that need to be done - homes, etc.

When the list is completed, you can date again. You'll know you are ready when you pull yourself together enough to get your stuff done.

Besides that, you'll have all that stuff done, just like you wanted.


It's hit me again like a ton of bricks. I think I'll log off.
SS

Hi folks,

SS, I hope you are feeling better.

I had a hard time over the New Years weekend - very lonely. Haven't slept well. It was good to be back at work - and to be able to go to choir practice on Wednesday night. Tomorrow I'm going to my 11-yo nephew's basketball game, and I've invited a couple from the church for dinner one night next week. I'm starting to dig out a bit.

The other day, I was thinking - remembered a day back in high school when 3 students from our school and one recent graduate died in separate accidents on the same day. I couldn't remember any of their names. It happened on Good Friday the year before I graduated. On a whim, I looked in the online database of the largest local cemetery. I searched for people who died that day - and found one girl - Vicki C., age 16. I remember the name, not the face. I didn't know her. Continuing to browse there, I saw the whole family plot - three graves in a row. It seems that Vicki's mom died 10 years later - to the month, at the age of 47. Her younger brother is buried there too, died at the age of 30.

I've thought about that a while. Who in this city thought about those three people this week? Probably I'm the only one. Nobody with that name lives here anymore. The last one, the brother died in '94. I know how Vicki died, in a car crash. I'm guessing her Mom killed herself - and I can only speculate further how her brother (who was 14 when she died) himself died. It certainly wasn't of old age.

But, I'm guessing ... that if Vicki had not died that day in the Volkswagen (which I drove past that day as it lay upside down on the side of the road), then her mom would not have killed herself - and whatever happened to her brother might also not have happened. So, the death of that young girl started something - like pulling a thread that unraveled that family.

But... it didn't have to be that way. We've each got our own personal tragedies, but we don't have to allow them to consume and destroy us.

That's what I've been thinking about.

-AD

Today is Orthodox Christmas (Jan 7).

My XW's parents celebrate Christmas today. I tried to call about midnight here (would have been 8am there). I wanted to hear my daughter's voice and wish her Merry Christmas. (Lucky kid! If I had only known, when I was a kid, that you can get two Christmases if you're willing to travel a bit... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I practiced a bit - so that I could say "Merry Christmas" in Russian to whoever answered the phone.

I couldn't get through. The phone system over there is not very reliable. Even when you do get through, it's hard to hear, lots of noise on the line.

Maybe it's just as well. Probably I would have had to talk to my XW - and I don't know what I would have said.

I'll go back to bed now. (I did already sleep 2 hours).

-AD

hope you're feeling better, AD.

-ol' 2long

I just read your post about Vicki and her family AD, and I just want to say that you are an incredible person. Not just a compliment but what I have seen by reading your stuff this past year.

It is true about tragedies and the chain of tragedies which often follow one. I know this from my own family.

On here we get such a sense of who a person really is, not in the same way we do in our real lives but a deeper sense I think. On here we read each others thoughts, day in and day out. I mean after the shock and fallout of the affair, when our thoughts and lives become more peaceful and thoughtful.

I know that I have such a sense of who the people are on here whom I have read for so long, like you, and 2long, Gray, SS, Faith, JJ, Binder, Pep, Mel, Ark, Kjelly, TT, notso, WAT, and so many others.

I don't often read stuff from new people because I can barely keep up with all those I follow now.

But it's awesome really, to have this opportunity to get to know others, through their thoughts, and hopes, and pain, and joy.

I have people in my life who I have worked with for 20 years and others I have known since highschool, and I don't think I know them as well as I do all of you, at least not in the same sense as we get to know each other here.

Am I making any sense? I got at least 8 hours sleep too. LOL

AD,

Oh you can celebrate ALL twelve days of Christmas! I am having all three stepsons over tonight for Twelfth Night, and we will exchange presents and have plum pudding!

Especially with custody issues and different families, it's good to celebrate all twelve days. But you can do that just by having friends over for wine by the fire, and telling them why you appreciate them.

It's the weekend to give gifts, remembering the gifts that have been given to us.

Weaver,

Thanks for the kind words. I've been just lightly following your posts over at the campfire. Sorry I haven't posted to you. I do have some opinions/guesses about your BF, but don't trust my judgement. I'm a long way from your situation - and I've done a pretty bad job of figuring out people in my own life.

AMM,

Twelfth Night sounds like a great tradition. It sounds like you are doing well. You're a great step-mom!

-AD

Pleae do give me your thoughts AD. Maybe you are not so hot at figuring out people in your own life, but I read your posts to others and think your insight regarding others is pretty good.