Weaver,

I should have said "I had some thoughts", rather than "I have some thoughts". Slippery things, those thoughts. I think they got away from me. I do think you should be patient and give him some time - and don't insist on something he's not ready to be or do.

-AD

Update:

DD and her Mom (XW) are back home safe! I thank God for their safe travel.

-AD

Hi!

I called my ex the other night at 1:30am - talked for almost 4 hours. She came for sunday lunch. I told her "I want you". She kissed me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Meanwhile a v-day card has arrived from the eHarmony lady. I didn't open it. <sigh>. Mixed up, I am. But really, my ex is the one I want. All this starting over nonsense is not for me.

OK, I'll go clean some floors now.

-AD

So what's changed, AD? How will the future be any different than the past? Your commitment was never in question.

Open the Valentine, AD. And feel lucky you got one.

I'm laughing AM! Really!

Thanks. LOL.

Unfortunately, I left it (the Valentine) at the office. Maybe I'll open it tomorrow. Right now I'm going to write to the lady (sender of the valentine) and tell her what's going on. She's got as much right as anybody to know. If I don't know what to do, at least I can score a few points for honesty.

Oh and as of this hour, my ex's vote is "no". She has a hard time saying "no", so that's a big deal for her - something to celebrate. I don't regret making the approach - nor to I assume that it is the final word on the subject.

As for what's changed... perhaps only my expectation of controlling the outcome.

I don't feel hurt just now, that my ex said "no" or even that she basicly said "you're too old for me" (which is true).

I'm a little more ready to trust God - just do what I can do, make the choices I want to make - and leave the results to God and the other free agents.

I don't feel right now that I'm ready for a relationship with anyone other than my ex - at least not one in which anything is expected from me. Of course, all real relationships should be give and take - thus something would be expected of me - which I'm not ready to give. (yet)

-AD

Personal Growth is often a long, slow process.

What God wants - along with all the other things (successful marriages, happy children) is personal growth.

I can see you growing. I can see you improving. Note - I don't believe God will cause the problems to happen, in this world we live in, he doesn't have to actually cause them. He does help the outcome be for our good.

When you write the lady that sent you the valentine, write your feelings too. Tell her why you are unsure, give background. It will help her cope.

Is the house on the market now?

SS

AD,

Followed you all along. You said something I have a response for...

"at least not one in which anything is expected from me. Of course, all real relationships should be give and take - thus something would be expected of me - which I'm not ready to give. (yet)"

When two or more are gathered in his name...he'll be present. He didn't say he would meet our expectations or ask that we meet his...he said he would be present.

Being present is enough. Leaving the doubts, expectations and future to themselves. Being present is being open to the present.

You are sufficient unto your day.

That's all I got.

LA

Wise words...can someone tatoo them on my arm please? I can't count the times I should have, could have, would have been sooo much better off remembering this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately the emotional divorce and the legal divorce don't always coincide, but we very much need to be open to the present and let things unfold as they will.

I agree with SS as well, please talk to that lady from eharmony and let her know so that hurt feelings don't result..."honest talk" if you will.

SS, LA, Weaver,

Hi to you all!

Hi SS.

Thanks for the wise words, LA. I agree - except that I have to be honest - that I still think of my ex. Being present in body is only part of it.

How are you, Weaver?

I sent eHarmony lady an email (two actually) and have heard nothing in reply.

A third email would be an appology. Still, what can I say? The reality is that my ex is still on the brain. That's the reality. Until I have her firmly behind me, it is unfair for me to ... do whatever it is I'm doing with Ms. eHarmony (basicly just email and phone-calls). Even if my ex were not on my brain, I think Ms. eHarmony was getting a little ahead of me - and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with that. I had sent her an email last week which said in part "If I don't write or call every day, it is not because I've forgotten about you" - just a hint that I felt she expected daily communication and was "concerned" if I didn't call. This is a lady whom I have not even met in person.

Still, I'm grateful that some woman considers me an acceptable man.

This is, IMHO, just the regular dating-angst stuff - layered over with pining for my ex - which is, probably, part of the regular dating stuff - for people who actually date, that is.

As I told Ms. eHarmony, "I was a drone. I married the first woman who paid me any attention. I don't want to make that mistake again."

Oh, and I haven't told the complete story yet. Quickly, I'll try to fill in the gaps. Ms. eH sent me a book to read "The Letters" (about some people who recieve letters from God). At the end of the book, a man who has been betrayed by his wife calls her, and begins the process of forgiveness. I finished the book after midnight one night, and called my ex - talked for 4 hours. etc. I was "under the influence" of that book (which after all, for all it's good qualities, is a work of fiction, I remind myself).

-AD

I hear you, AD. I meant present in all ways...you think Jesus had a body?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have to underscore this:

"As I told Ms. eHarmony, "I was a drone. I married the first woman who paid me any attention. I don't want to make that mistake again."

Do you grasp what you told her here? If my stomach didn't hurt right now, I'd be rolling. She is the first woman to pay you attention since your divorce. Wow. Quite a message!!

You are so worth reading, AD. Just as you are.

LA

LA,

Why does your stomach hurt? Had a recent surgery? I'm not sure if you're commending my entertainment value or my wisdom.

Still no word from Ms. eH - and I haven't sent that vital apology. I am aware that apolgies should be delivered ASAP - to remediate any suffering - so far as is possible.

At the very least, I owe her my respect and courtesy. I just don't know how to demonstrate that in this situation. I have some ideas, just have to wing it.

XW said on the phone tonight - that she doesn't believe that I can forgive her - doesn't believe that I could love her. A familiar problem - that I don't know how to solve. I tried - for a long time - but it seemed that nothing I did would ever persuade her that I loved her.

...and I have other problems. DD5 has gotten into a pattern of refusing to go to bed. She was still awake 10 minutes ago. Ouch!

Anybody know an open slot in a monastery?

-AD

AD-
I just ran across your thread and started reading the last several post...
Your story is an interesting read, especially because I am also A BS.

Your last post sparked me to write to you.
""XW said on the phone tonight - that she doesn't believe that I can forgive her - doesn't believe that I could love her. A familiar problem - that I don't know how to solve. I tried - for a long time - but it seemed that nothing I did would ever persuade her that I loved her.""
Obviously you are talking with her about your relationship...Is your XW wanting you to forgive her and have a relationship with you?
I am not sure the context of your conversation but one could precieve what she said as her asking for just that.
Forgiveness and affection.
Some one once told me that 80% of statements we make are actually just questions turned around...

Maybe I am all wet... Just thought I would crash your thread and say hello...
You sound like a good guy going threw ****** on earth just as my wife has created for me as well...

btw~ It is actually normal for kids that age to fight going to sleep. Especially if they are not comfortable.
Here are some ideas for getting your kid to bed on time.
1) Have a consistant bed time every night...
2) Make it a fun routine and give rewards and phrase to her at each step along the way. Like getting on her pj's, brushing her teeth, going into her room, getting into bed.. etc..
3) Read books to her... We called it "tucking in time".
I would read to her, then she would read to me. We would mix it up a little. Some time I would read one page and she would read the next. Or maybe she would read me a short story, and i would read the longer one.
A big hit for us at that age was reading the childrens bible. She loved it and it created a lasting memory that even at almost 13 she still remembers clearly.
4) Make sure she is not scared of her room. My daughter was scared where I had the bed placed. We moved her room around and she felt much better.
5) DON'T let her sleep with you... This is a really tought habit to break. Only when she was really scared or sick would I allow her to lay down with me and my wife. That would not be all night either. Just until she felt comfortable.

Maybe some of these ideas can help.
My daughter was also difficult to get to go to sleep. We really had a hard time with it until I started making it fun and comfortable for her. Sadly for my wife she did not really ever participate in bed time with our daughter.
The became something that has bonded me and my daughter together. She will always remember dad as the one that comforted her when she was scared, helped her read, and taught her the bible.

Good luck and god bless you....
btw~ do pray for you wife... I know you hurt, but we all need god...

Dazed,

Of course, I do all that stuff - always have.

-AD

Dazed,

In case you drop by again, I appologize for my short reply. I was kind of frustrated by my parenting difficulties and ... oh, well, I'm sorry.

Your comments about my wife I should have also replied to.

Yes, she is saying that, were it not for her fear that she would have to endure lifelong rehashing of all her "sins", she might be interested in putting it back together.

My only logical action is to make sure that I don't do that.. and over time, she might come to disregard the fear.

-AD

Update :

In the last month I've lost my job due to a company shutdown, and found another in 10 days. I'm enormously grateful to God for the gift of a job.

XW came over and cooked for me one night last week - when she was bringing DD5 to stay with me.

And... recently, XW has said "In some way, I think I will always love you".

WOW! She has confirmed and stood by that - saying that even if she was remarried that would still be true and she would think of me.

So, that is progress.

And the truth is, I'll always love her.

I've "closed" the eHarmony lady and cancelled my subscription. Even if I don't get back together with my XW, I've realized that now is not the time to be looking for somebody else.

-AD

Hi AD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi back, FF.

How're the kids?

Just had to say Hi, but I've got a patient that requires attention and I can't stay to chat. My son is driving to Chicago and is somewhere east of Tulsa. Bad time to be travelling, from what I hear. Hope you're getting better weather than HE is! On all fronts... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&L,

My XW still has a beef against you for calling her "a clam with dia..."

Anyway, other than that, nice to see ya.

We have cold rain all day. If somebody had not stolen my fireplace doors while the house was unoccupied and if I were not such a tightwad (and had ordered some new ones made), I'd be sitting in front of the fire, reading a book and drinking hot tea.

-AD

What's "dia"? Unfortunately, I don't remember any of it, so can't even begin to guess. Was it untrue?

t&l