Hi!

I am currently married to a wonderful woman for the last 11 years. When have known each other since 1990 and were married in 1994. We have two girls, 8 and 5. I love all of them very much. Here is the problem. I have always been a me person, and I always seem to think of myself. I don't know how to break myself of this behavior. When my wife and I argue, then I clam up. She'll want to talk but, I stay clamed up and that makes her mad. I don't want divorce, but I think I can forsee this happening after the kids are grown up and out of school. I NEED to change. When my wife and I were first together. I used to eat sleep and drink her. But know. mour lives are busier and we are not like that. I always have to initate feelings. i tell her I love her very much. I compliment her. She has never done any of this while we have beem married. I asked her one time why she married me? She never gave me an answer. As far as my behavior, I asked her why she married me? She said she thought it was going to get better.

Anyway, I have a quick temper, short fuse. I am a me person who does not know how to change. I want to. Besides working full time 8-5 M-F, i have 2 partime jobs. She is a home maker. I need the extra $$ to make ends meet. I am so burned out. I wished I could go back in time and start all over. I have told her I am sorry I don't know how amny times. I have hurt her, i guess too many times. All I want to do is have my life get back on track. Please someone help me. I have prayed til I exhausted. All i want is my wife to love me again. Sex is OK. i have to initiate it ALL the time. She could take or leave it. I do nothing for her to be aroused. We have to watch porn channel for her to even get somewhat aroused. I am so frustrated. my life is so complicated. If anyone can give me some sort of advice I would appreciate it. I know in my heart I want to change. But having trouble getting there.

Thanks!

Hello, welcome to MB'ers.

I hope you've read everything available here - the Basic Concepts and Dr Harley's Articles.

A 'quick temper/short fuse' sounds like AO (Angry Outbursts) are a problem. We call that a LB'er (Love Buster). LB'ers destroy love faster than you build it. You must get your LB'ers under control.

Saying 'you're sorry' many times becomes empty words. Your actions (continued LB'ers) do not match your words. Are you not a man of your word?

So, if you haven't done so, get busy reading. Learn about your 'Giver and Taker', EN's (Emotional Needs), Lb'ers, etc.

I bet UA (Undivided Attention) is a big problem in your relationship. Dr Harley advises 15 hours/week of UA. Not mutely watching TV in the same room but real one on one attention. Do things together that build good memories.

Is working the extra jobs really worth it? I am an ER nurse. I've never been with a patient during their final hours on earth and had anyone wish they had worked more hours or made more money...

Keep posting. There are many good people here that may be able to offer more advice for you. Perhaps it'd help to post on the EN's section - there is more traffic there.

Thanks so much for helping me.

Yes you are right about the UA. I have too many irons in the fire and trying to please so many other people, that I forget about the ones that count the most. Watching TV is the extent. We did play triominos last night. She said she wanted to do something fun, not just watch tv. I asked her what she wanted to do. I suggested a game of some sort. I let her pick. We played an hour then went to bed to sleep.

I also think you are right with the " I'm sorry's" They are hollow.

I really do love her very much. I know I can never take away the hurt and emptiness she feels.

I am trying very hard.

Thank You!!