Hi, fredswife.

I read it. Some infidels change their minds more often than they change underwear. I will believe he is home when he is home.

Other woman may decide in a dream tonight that you were just upset and besides that, a burning beehive told her via a crystal oven that you couldn't really hurt her, so she has reconsidered <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really do hope that it goes according to your schedule.

Good news on moving mother-in-law out and having the apartment for rent. That should up the pressure in a good way.

You are doing well, but you need to realize that you are in for a rough ride yet. Take some time for yourself and the kids. Get recharged and ready for the struggle. I believe that you can do this. You remind me of a line from the movie "Dune" - "The sleeper has awakened!". This is a good thing, FW, good indeed.

God bless,
Gimble

I will know over the next three weeks if he is gone for the weekends.
My BIL and SIL are watching him like a hawk to see if this is true.
He has apparantly been spending most weekends with OW, sometimes up to 4 days at a time.
He really has no other friends over there, so IF he is telling the truth, he will be waking up in his own bed at my BIL house for the next 3 weeks.
Like I said, the cell phone bill doesn't lie.

It is really awful when you can not trust a word that comes out of someones mouth.

How much worse is this ride going to get?
I feel like I have been tossed about like a freaken rag doll on a rollercoaster ride.

So Gimble, where do I begin.
I am going to act as if what he told me was the truth (unless I find out otherwise).
He will be watching my every move under a microscope.
He has already told me that I will never change.
It will be like a Mexican standoff!!
Where the heck do I begin??
IF the OW is out of the picture, H will be grieving her loss for a while and will still be blaming me for everything.
I no longer want to be a puppet on a string because I am so fearful of losing my H and of a D.
I also do not want to be a ****** and push him away.
I need help!!
I found an old book from 15 years ago when we took a class at church, it was called LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE.
I found his copy and found alot of things he had underlined.
I think this is a good place to begin.
I sure wish he had shown this to me, then I may have had a chance to work on these areas.
I have made a list of the things he needs from me, and am going to spend the next 3 weeks working on these areas, and figuring out how to "do it".
It will be hard but I am willing.
I also have to add at this point, if have been lied to again, and OW is still int he picture I don't think I will be as forgiving or willing anymore.
"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

I'd like to challenge you if I may...

You wrote



But then if he goes back to the OW there goes your motivation to change...

I'd like to challenge you to make these changes for yourself to be a better person, a better partner, if not for your H then for someone else. These are changes that are going to be good to make, a growth you can move into whether your H comes back or not...if he does (and I hope he does, and if htese chages are sincere he'd be a fool not to) then you are THERE, if he doesn't, then you are a better person...win-win!

Don't give up on YOU!!!

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
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He has apparantly been spending most weekends with OW, sometimes up to 4 days at a time.
======================================

That doesn't surprise me. I wish the in-laws had told you sooner.

I'm happy that your in-laws are watching him. That will at least cramp his style.

For now, don't expect any truth from him of any import. Little things, yes, bigger things, no.

Quote:
======================================
How much worse is this ride going to get?
I feel like I have been tossed about like a freaken rag doll on a rollercoaster ride.
======================================

Much worse. However, the ride is going to greatly depend on your preparation. If you have prepared well, then it is manageable. If you don't prepare, then it is really going to be tough.

There are four books I think you should read before he returns,

1) "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley
2) "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
3) "His Needs, Her Needs" by willard Harley
4) "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder

They will educate you and prepare you for the next phase.

Quote:
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I am going to act as if what he told me was the truth (unless I find out otherwise).
================================

That is NOT a good idea. Don't believe anything he says, but don't make it a "lovebuster". Listen to him, validate him, then checkout anything he says before you act on it. If his words don't match his actions, then he is lying.

For the foreseeable future, the only way to know when he is not lying is when his words and actions match, and the results are verifiable. Otherwise, discount it completely. Remember, you don't have to let him know what you think unless you catch him in a lie, then you can respectfully ask him not to lie to you.

Quote:
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IF the OW is out of the picture, H will be grieving her loss for a while and will still be blaming me for everything.
=================================

IF she is out of the picture, then expect a month of him pining away over her. Personally, I prefer to see wayward spouses suffer through this phase on their own, but that is not according to marriage builders plan. So, comfort him as much as you have the grace to tolerate.

Quote:
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It will be hard but I am willing
==================================

That is a good attitude. You have to maintain it when it really does get hard, and it will.

Quote:
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I also have to add at this point, if have been lied to again, and OW is still int he picture I don't think I will be as forgiving or willing anymore.
"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".
==================================

There is an excellent chance that he will break no contact and talk to or see her again. If you want to save your marriage, you should realize that there are likely to be some false starts.

Stick to the plan outlined on this site. No Contact letter, and a plan for recovery AFTER the period of VERIFIED no contact for 3 to 4 weeks has passed.

Don't expect him to let you meet his needs for a while. Meet what you can, be calm and polite, move on with your life. Basically, love him from a distance while he catches up.

God bless,
Gimble

The saga continues....
H called again, ranted and raved about my terrible actions towards OW.
They are getting together for dinner tonight and will discuss where to go from here.
He is afraid that she will end the "friendship" now.
I don't know this ow like he does, and once she makes her mind up, she sticks to it.
he is scared of losing her.
He wanted to know why I could not understand that a woman and a man could be best friends.
Why can't I understand that she is like a sister to him.
How dare I take away his friend and the only person who has ever been kind and decent to him.
I listened to him for almost 2 hours as I got badgered and yelled at for all of my mistakes over the past 20 years, How I never made him happy. I am a miserable person, unkind, evil and only am out to hurt people.That I do not ven love my children, and am too full of hatred to know what love really means.
He will file paperwork for separation when he comes here at the end of the month.
He does not want to live in limbo anymore.
I did apologize for the areas in the marriage that I lacked, and he gave me a list of things to admit to.
I did not say one word about all of his shortcomings, I just let him do his thing.
I apologized for making him so unhappy,and that for anything I had done to contribute to the demise of the marriage.
He says he did nothing wrong, and was always the loving and kind husband.
I still said nothing.
He said my remorse and sincerity were false, and I was living in survival mode because i am scared of being sued.
He wants sole custody of the kids now because I am mentally insane after proving I would stoop so low as to go into someone elses email.
He hates me now, and doesn't even want to be my friend.
When he comes to visit the kids, I had better just stay out of his way.
I feel like $hit, there is no point in defending myself anymore, I just want to give up now.

You are right, I am just mentally drained right now and feeling like i am spinning my wheels.

Hi, fredswife.

Stop responding to him. Stop apologizing to him. You are simply feeding his entitlement.

Are you reading my posts to you? Are you reading other's posts to you? Please go back and do so.

Folks here are expending a lot of energy trying to help you.

Gimble

Please stop apologizing. It is only fueling his fire. You say I'm sorry, he hears, "you're right, I stink on toast." Really.

You made your apologies. Now stop. Even God only asks us to repent once......He doesn't rub it in and make us feel like dirt........you shouldn't allow a HUMAN (even when he's being a rat-turd) to do so.

- Kimmy

I blocked his email address today.
Told him that I will also be changing the phone number to an unlisted one of he continues to harrass me.
I printed up all of the abusive emails today and put them away if he decides to get nasty with an attorney, etc.
Told him that he needs to send a text message if he needs to talk to me concerning the kids, etc, and I will let him know when it is a convenient time for me to talk.
I apologize because he does have some valid points about me.
I have not taken care of all of his needs, and he throws it in my face.
I told him months ago that I wanted to reconcile, to give "us" another chance, he said I pissed all of my chances away.He said he gave and he gave and I didn't appreciate him.
Yes, I do feel badly about my actions, and i have asked for forgivness, I have asked him to help me to becoe the wife I should be for you, he said that it is just too late.
Now all we do is fight.
He is terribly depressed and I am the fricken whipping post.
Tomorrow night my friend and her husband invited me out for a play and dinner.
I am going to go.It has been a long time since i went out with a friend

Fred'sWife - It is beyond me why you would listen to his ranting for 2 hours. Yes, you have made mistakes. We all have. Now time to move past that.

>I apologize because he does have some valid points about me.


But sweetie, we ARE NOT PERFECT. We screw up. We may do it for months and years if someone lets us. As I see it, tho you were equally yoked in that particular fault...you for doing the things and him for allowing it. It is his blame, too, for not attempting to fix this.

He owes you an apology for that part of it as much as you owe (and paid) for your part.

They all say it's too late. It's just words, FW. Words smart. But these words are as unsubstantial as all his history re-writing (like, he never loved you??? We both know that's horse hockey).

Read Orchid's reverse babble. Cos that's what he's doing. Babbling. It's very helpful and it works!

We're here with a shoulder up if you need it.

- Kimmy

This morning when i woke up all of his words were in my head.
the fact that he cares more about this woman and whether or not she will still be his "friend' rather then the well being of his family, is making me really begin to resent him.
I understand from reading the posts that my H is not in his right mind right now, but he has no conscience.
He doesn't seem to understand anything.
His eyes are so blind to reality.

He doesn't want to move past that.
He says I am not sorry enough, I am arrogant and unremorseful for the things I did to him for 20 years.
Yes, he has rewritten history.

Hi,
please help me to make sense out of this babble.
I have received some very good advice, and I am trying to follow it, but he keeps sucking me in.
I am scared of the things he says, they are so painful.
He even went as far as to tell me that the encouragement that I have been giving him creeps him out, as it isn't real and I didn't do it for 20 years so now why?
Only 2 weeks ago he told how much it has been helping.
I am damned in I do and damned if I don't.

There is no sense in his babble. The blame he is giving you is what he s/b giving himself. As for him questioning your motives for improving yourself and questioning your sincerity and longevity of your improvements is also babble. Very common WS babble, btw. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Don't get sucked into this and DO NOT apologize to a WS for past errors. Remember the WS was not there when those errors happened so why should he forgive you? Your H was there and it is your H that should forgive you.

Don't waste your breathe trying to reason with a WS. All it will get your is one big headache....then starting with your heart, the rest of your body will ache.

L.

ORCHID,
I know that the stuff he says sounds totally stupid half of the time.
I know that he is useing me as his whipping post to get out all of his frustrations and anger, maybe even a little guilt.
He is always so angry with me!!
Sometimes he will say some really nice things, and I think he is finally getting it, but then he snaps back into the lunatic.He has justified in his head that I am the total cause of all of his misery, and now he doesn't even want to be my friend. I am the enemy!!
I know logically that deep inside he knows what he is doing is wrong.
And if he can keep blaming me, that takes his eyes off of himself and that makes him feel justified by his actions.
None of this makes any sense.
I am not good at finding threads etc, so I do need to ask you a couple of questions, which I am sure you have already answered before.
Do they ever really get out of this insanity?
Do they ever realize the gravity of their situation?
I guess what I want to know, and you of course do not have a crystal ball, but am I spinning my wheels by wanting to save my marriage, is there really a light at the end of the tunnel?

Orchid, one more question, did you already go through this and come out with a saved marriage,or are you still going through this?

Fredswife ~ Orchid can tell you wild stories about her H and his OW. Her marriage is recovered.

This process takes alot of time,which is why everyone is telling you to settle in and calm down. Get your head together and listen to the advice here.

Your husband needs his anger right now to justify what he is doing to you.

Anger is good, not that it is good what he is doing to you, but it means that he is still emotionally engaged with you.

Give it time, let the consequences of exposure settle on him. Eventually the A starts to fall apart (can be as long as 2 years or more - my Husband and I were seperated 18 months).

I think blocking his email and changing your phone number is a good idea while he is spewing his garbage. No matter what you did, you do not deserve this behavior from him.

You did get that cash out of his reach right?

And hun, yes, sometimes they do come back to reality and realize the gravity of what they have done. There are more than a few reformed adulterers posting here. There are no guarantees, no promises though. The thing about this site is that if you hang with us, you will survive and be OK, divorce or recovery, no matter what happens.