BR...could you expand on this a bit...because I think this is something very important for all the WS. We deal with so much anger from our loved one during this time. I myself, have been beating myself up after my phone call yesterday. He was sooo angry...and yet I haven't done anything to him. I gave him his freedom to find peace of mind with OW. Why are we the punching bag?

Thank you!!
I just get scared sometimes.
The rejection hurts the most.
Watching him doing stupid, stupid things, and knowing that this man is NOT my husband.
I hope the aliens that took him away will eventually bring him home.

I know everyone has a different story, but I need to know how you were able to "cut off" and not have any guilt about what you were doing to your family.
Is that why the anger happens?
Does it make one feel better to blame the spouse?

What do you mean by emotionally engaged with me?
I should be happy that he calls to yell at me?

Guys ~ Indifference is the opposite of love.

I'm not suggesting that you hang around and act like a punching bag or even deserve it.

But an angry WS is still engaged - no its not pretty, but its easier to overcome than utter indifference.

Where there is anger, I suspec there is also guilt. All the angry phone calls are to justify to himself and to the world why he is selfishly doing what he is doing.

Would you rather he just didn't give a damn what he was doing to you?

I suppose not...but the transferring of blame and anger onto us is definitely a reason that we are both in Plan B. It helps keep the insanity level down to a minimum. Everytime there has been a leak of contact...I think we've both been faced with hostility. But I can see your point. Yes, if they just both picked up and walked away with no further communication that would be indifference and that they really didn't care.

Well fredswife isn't in Plan B. It doesn't mean she has to put up with his rants and raves.

I had to learn "Just because he says it doesn't make it true", and learn "What other people think about me (including WS) is none of my business".

This let me emotionally detach enough to protect myself.

sometimes I wish they didn't care. I just get so tired of all the mind games. One day they love you and arn't happy. The next day its all the opposite, they are happy and don't love you like they used to. then it goes to telling your children if I divorce your mom I will still love you kids... Guess it makes it harder when you know they live with OW and they only try to engage you when they know you are trying to move on. Then your back to square one again and then they back away again... I was doing good in planb until WH came and was banging on the door asking why was I locking him out and not talking. I held steady until he tried to take my car. Yep I fell for a trick and then got the ILY and and I'm not happy only to have it turn around the next day... I just want it to stop.... So yes there are times indiffrence would be a welcome relief for me.... Not that I want him not to care I just want some peace....

Ahhhh Hurting ~


As long as the BS believes that all of the power in the relationship belongs to the WS....and believes that the only answer is for the WS to stop doing what he or she is doing... there is no peace.

As long as your focus is on making/hoping for the WS change, you will be frustrated and crazy.

Taking back control, stepping out of victimhood and realizing that you can choose not to take the WS back, and that you can care for yourself and have a good life no matter what the WS does... this is where you find peace.

Your right bramble its just so hard to do ...

yep it's hard.

Lord knows it took me over a year to figure it out.

I suffered terribly during my husband's affair because my focus was on him and his choices ~ I allowed him to have all power over my life.

About the time I figured out it was my life and I could choose what to do with it and that I didn't have to sit arou nd waiting for him to change...thats when he did change.

I don't think it was a coicidence.

My attitude, behavior and choices changed so radically, it got his attention.

I am trying to do all of that. But not sure how he will know it seeing how I am in planb and plus he is going back out on the road as an OTR driver. so not many chances for him to see anything.

I know I have to do it for me and move on and be happy. I just want him to see it and know I can do it without him.

I THINK THIS IS VERY SERIOUS NOT BABBLE


Dear XXXXX,

True to your nature, you are very interested in my meeting with Barbra last night and cannot wait. You are interested in your survival as if life is something to endure. You have always behaved as if you are being hunted. Maybe I finally know what it is like to be a hunter.

The meeting? The meeting took an unexpected turn.

I decided to take control of my life.

First, let me tell you for the thousandth time that I have never been intimate with Barbra. I do love and care about her very much. She is my best friend and someone who listens to me and makes me feel valuable.

But, all day yesterday I was thinking about my priorities. I discovered that I was not a priority in my own life. I have never been. I also know and have always known that my children are the dearest, sweetest most wonderful blessing I have. They are my life.

I came to the very hard conclusion that I have things right now in my life that I need to get accomplished and I don't need distractions to take me away from those goals. Barbra did not reach my top priorities.

Much like your hysteria and drama and foolish attacks on my life, I have now put my relationship with Barbra away. I only have my goals and my priorities to think about now.

1. I need to find a job. That is what I have been telling everyone. It is my number one priority for my children and for me.

2. I am seeking a separation as soon as possible. I cannot continue with blurred boundaries. This is for me because your drama needs to officially end in my life.

3. I need to find a place to live.

4. I need to safely bring the family back to California.

These are huge tasks and I need to be focused to accomplish them. Unfortunately, it does have its costs. I will not be calling, emailing, texting, or visiting Barbra. She is not a priority. She has agreed to this arrangement and will not be contacting me.

If I can sever contact with someone who has consistently demonstrated her love and care and friendship with me...how much easier to sever the relationship of someone who has only brought me bitterness and grief?

I know this means nothing to you. All you want to know is what is going to happen to you... Can you expect the authorities to pay you a visit. If I were you, I would be on my best behavior. There are no intentions to press charges, but if there is even a hint of your continued harassment, you are ******. You have no idea how much follow-up has been done about your actions.

I will not provide you with anymore detail about my meeting. You are going to have to get used to a need-to-know basis for information.

Finally, I made this decision to prove to myself how strong I am and how focused I can be. I want to be in charge of my life. I want to be with my little ones. Everything else is a distraction and weighing me down.

I will not discuss this anymore.

Deadly Serious,
Fred

Fredswife,

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I do pick one thing out of that email that stands out to me...

it him saying his number one priority is himself..... Tah tsounds like things my WH says to me.... Its all about him and no one else. Well yes in the situation of an A it is all about him with no reguards to anyone else or their feelings...

I am not saying this is not serious because I am not wise enough to know. But I do know the babble about it being all about him is common...

Take care and try not to worry ....

Yes, but the part about no contact with OW is a positive.
The fact that he is starting to make a list of priorities and sees that OW is not one of them.
The fact that the children are suddenly a concern to him.
He talks about separation NOT divorce.
Bringing the family back to California.
These are all babysteps, but I think they are a good move in the right direction
He wants to be in charge of his life, fine, but I also know that one day he will mellow out a bit and right now he is still angry.

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
======================================
I THINK THIS IS VERY SERIOUS NOT BABBLE
======================================

I thought you blocked his ability to communicate with you.

You have put him back in control of the relationship. That means that you have an adulterous man who has turned away from his familial responsibilities to chase another woman, back in control of your marriage. Congratulations.

Why did you give him this control back?

Why are you allowing him to verbally abuse you in such a manner?

As a man, I have to tell you this. If he talked to me this way, he would very quickly find himself eating his meals via a straw, because his jaw would be broken for sure.

Wise posters here are going to give up on you, fredswife, if you don't at least heed some of what you've been instructed to do. No one here is trying to control you, but many people here understand the plan, and the plan works. You, do NOT understand the plan, and you are making matters worse for yourself.

Let him talk to the kids when it is convenient, but you stop communicating with him. As I have said two times previously, and as others have said, block his email, do whatever it takes to stop communicating with him for now.

His letter IS BABBLE, and some of the most manipulative crap I have personally ever read.

Gimble

nah,the part about no contact with the OW is a lie. Exposure was a bit too hot. He and Barbara will be laying low.

The part about separation is a threat.

notice his priorities are HIM.

The whole letter was a threat and a see you are psycho.

Sent to the family email address that is used by the kids, not my personal email address.
Yes, his priorities are him, but they always have been.
I was encouraged that he admitted other woman was not a priority in his life.
As I get the cell phone bills I will be able to see if calls are being made.
My BIL and SIL will let me know his comings and goings while he is there.
he will be here in 3 weeks,and has no place to return to.
He just doesn't know that yet!!
So you think the exposure caused some problems???

Exposure caused great problems in the affair, not in your marriage. Exposure is ruinous to an affair, that is why your WS is so ticked off.