First off, this is not my dad typing, he doesn't know about me signing up on this site. I'm 18 years old, a man now in his eyes. I have two sisters, 17 and 10. But he's a bigger man than I could ever hope to be. This make a take a bit. So I hope people can bear with me, hopefully help me help him and figure out what to do.
There's alot of backstory to set up the crux of what termoil
my dad is going through.

My dad was brought up in a good decent Christian home. Grandma and Grandpa are so awesome, they taught my dad how to value God, love, family, and his children.

My dad was 17 yrs old when he met my mom. Back in 1984.
He's ALWAYS boasted to everyone and to her how he fell in love with her from the moment he saw her for the first time.
My dad dated her off and on for those few years, but to my mom he was security blanket boyfriend. He was the boyfriend between other boyfriends, but my dad was always there for her. Then one day in 1986 my mom sought refuge and counseling from my dad ... to tell him that she had become pregnant. She was barely 19 and felt her parents would kick her out. She told my dad that the father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. The father was only willing to spring for the money for her to get an abortion.
Dad quickly pleaded with mom to trust her parents, don't get the abortion and in worst case scenario, dad said that he would declare that the baby was his. My mom chose not to do that, but she gave birth and her parents didn't kick her out. The cool part is when my mom gave birth, she called my dad ( who was a senior in HS) to let him know the baby was born. Dad skipped school and went immediately to the hopsital. He was the first one there. Two weeks later the baby had emergency surgery and he was also there. The bio-father never visited the baby or mom. Shortly thereafter, the baby was two months old and my mom went daddy hunting. She would date several men, but one day she asked my dad to babysit while she went out on the date. My dad happily baby sat the two month old. He did on several occassions. Then one day in early 1987, my dad was security blanket again, and my mom said the words he always wanted to hear, she said they ought to get married. My dad swore to love,cherish her and the child and to raise the baby as his own. Months later they got married and had another child 10 months later.

I was THAT baby. My dad (even though not my biofather) is the most noble person I've ever known. He keeps his promises. I love him so very much.

NOW THE CRUX

Two years into their marriage, 1989, my mom cheated on my dad. My dad suspected and confronted her, but she lied about it and said it was only a single kiss. My dad believed her. Every few years when they argued, Dad would reference the affair, but mom was diligent in saying she never cheated. Mom was always the one who went berzerk during arguements with dad. She's even hit him and throw things at him, but he never hit back. I was there for almost all of it over the years. Mom would even scream at dad saying she was gonna kill herself, she said it in front of us kids. It happened quite alot. But dad would cave in.

Then in 1994 my mom was persuing yet another man. My dad caught her TRYING to write a love letter to the man ( a policeman of all things) , she destroyed the letter.
Dad forgave her and a year later my youngest sister was born.

Everything was great between mom & dad until December of 2004. Mom's temper was out of control and she seemed to be in a state of depression. I asked mom to go get the help she needed, but she didn't. Dad pleaded with her to. Mom would go into public outbursts cussing at dad, yelling at him over the dumbest things, like not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign or demanding money from him. It got so bad in April of 2005 when my sister and her boyfriend wanted to go get a hotel room together, my dad said no ofcourse, but my mother paid for the room for them and they spent the night together. This infurated and hurt my dad. It was the first time I ever saw my dad cry.
Mom defended her actions by saying it would drive my sister to runaway anyway.
Mom got so much worse, she would pick fights with dad, she would cuss and yell at us kids. Then on Memorial day may dad confronted her saying it appeared by her actions that the marriage was over. She agreed, at first. Then she had a realization that she did not want to leave the marriage.
She pleaded with my dad and in doing so, she confessed to
actually cheated in the second year of the marriage and other times. It was a total of seven times according to her.
This crushed dad, dad would say he felt that the 18 year marriage was a lie. Because she lied to him for all of those years. Then a week later, dad said he would forgive her for it and that they can work things out. He said he would love her until the day he dies.

Days later, I caught my mom on the internet going to dating websites ,passing herself off as seperated and alomost divorced. I told dad about it. He was highly upset. She said that she just met a guy online and had talked to him on the phone but was not going to meet him. Mom said she would no longer go to the website. After a few days dad forgave her again.

Then a week later, on August 12th of this year, dad was at Grandmas house ( due to her cancer) Mom said she was gonna go out to a movie by herslef. I was hanging out with my best friend driving to the movies ourselves. So I was following mom to the theater, but she did not turn into the parking lot. She kept going. So we followed her. She ended up at a museum parking lot miles away. There she met up with a man in a black 4x4 pick-up truck.
I was SO VERY MAD. So we followed them to a different theater complex. I called dad on his cell and told him. Dad met up with us later in the parking lot. We all sat and watched them come out of the theater and saw mom get into this man's truck. Dad waited with us for 2 hours as mom and the man sat in the truck. Dad had me call mom's cell phone but she never answered. I'll never forget the look on dad's face. Then mom got out and got into her car, and drove away. We followed mom home.
Dad confronted her and they spent all night arguing , crying, hugging and crying some more. Dad told me the next day that mom was truly sorry and that nothing happened except kissing. But mom said she would not see this new OM anymore. Dad forgave her AGAIN, and blamed himself ( i'm sure) but I did hear him say that there had better never be a next time. Dad demanded that she show the effort of rebuilding their marriage. That next day dad spent over $100 and had flowers sent to her at work. Dad was really making an effort. They even went to church together, met for several hours with the pastor and the pastor said that if mom really wanted the marriage with my dad, then she should call the OM, in my dad's presence and break it off. Which should be easy, because she just met the man.

Dad wined and dined her for over the next few weeks. Mom said she never had anymore contact whatsoever with the OM. I heard mom say to dad several times that she loved him and only him.
Then dad went out of town on August 18th, 2005 for work for 10 days. Before he left, dad asked me to keep an eye on mom. So I did.
Guess what happened, Mom was on the phone with the OM within an hour after dad's plane left. She called him multiple times.
And then days later, mom left in the early evening and was gone all night while I babysat my younger sister. I couldn't bring myself to call dad, he was working. I needed to be with my dad.
Dad even called us many times while he was gone, checking up on us and told us all, and my mom that he loved her. Mom kept on telling dad on the phone day after day the same old lies. "No, I love you and only you" " No I haven't called that guy, you needn't worry." But I knew otherwise.
Dad came home and I told him. Dad confronted mom in tears I thought that could never be shed by a human being. After hours of verbal confrontation Mom confessed that she slept with the OM.

Mom begged for his Dad's forgiveness. But Dad packed her bags. Mom tried playing a guilt trip on him saying dad was throwing her out into the street and didn't care. Dad
also called the OM and had a 20 minute pleasant conversation. It appears that Mom lied to the OM about many things, saying dad wasn't even living in the same house with her. Dad said the OM was oblivious and swore he would never contact her again and was deeply sorry. Dad took away the extra car, turned of her cell phone ( all of which he pays for) and he retained an attourney with a 2 hour period.
Mom got mad and upset at him but to no avail.

But Dad suprised me when he said, that she can come back someday when she has truly found Jesus and gotten psychiatric help. That she was gonna have to make the journey to get help.
Dad kicked her out of the house. Mom was even getting my little sister upset by saying daddy was kicking mommy out.
That pissed me off beyond relm. I THEN TOLD MOM to get out.

Dad has been in a severe state of depression and confusion.
It's only been a few days since Mom has been gone. But Dad is seriously considering letting her come back in a few weeks. He told me last night, that he loves her too much and that mom is not a throw-away. She needs help, but he said he's also tired of the hurting.

PLease help me advise him on what to do. None of us have ever been through this. My dad is suffering, he loves mom so much. I love mom so much. But she needs help.
What should my dad do? What should we as a family do?
Mom called today and told my dad that she's going to church everyday and has special pastoral meetings scheduled with a female pastor, and has scheduled a psychiatrist appoinment. She now aknowledges all of her wrong doings, tells dad she loves him but she still acts like she expects to come home in a few weeks. Mom is staying with an elderly couple that are close friends of the family. But it's only for a few weeks. But she has no vehicle, no cell phone. Mom asked me to take her to work and back, and i have.
I don't want her to end up on the street, i will never abandon either of my parents, neither of them abandoned me. Especially Dad, he promised 18 years ago to raise me as his own and love me as his own. My dad the modern day nobleman, has fullfilled that promise.

Whether they work it out or divorce, your dad needs support. He needs to work through the pain and learn how to not enable your mother. Ask for recomendations from your church for a Christian marriage counselor. A non-Christian counselor may be more prone to tell your father to run as opposed to focusing on restoring the marriage. Your dad should go even if he has to go alone. Your mother may need additional help, but she is going to have to want help. Remember that you and your dad cannot fix her. It sounds like you have an awful load on your shoulders right now. Find someone you can talk to and lean on.

Your story brings tears to my eyes. Your Dad is so blessed to have you at his side for support. My heart goes out to all of you.

I agree about seeing a Christian counselor. I would also suggest a support group, we have one at my church, and sometimes it helps to just know you're not alone. I imagine his heart is shattered. Believe me, it's the lies that tear a home apart, not just the cheating.

I wonder why she feels she needs attention from another man? Maybe she's very insecure. Whatever the reason, it can be overcome with God's help and alot of conviction on her part.

You may try looking for some self-help books too. It helped me in my darkest days. I'll keep you in my prayers.

My_Dad,

I too think your Dad is lucky to have you for a son. Clearly he has done somethings very well in his life. I would suggest several things for you to say to your Dad.

1. He must let your mother face her demons. If he loves her then he must not let her come home until she has sought counseling and help. It is for her own good. Just as I am sure your house had rules you might not have liked at the time, you eventually came to understand their wisdom and the love behind them.

2. He must realize that his love of your Mother will NOT heal her. The data is very clear on this point, so he must allow professionals to do this and I suspect that means she cannot come home until she is in counseling.

3. Your Dad is a rock, but what he needs to understand is that long exposure to wind, heat, cold, rain, will wear him down and turn him to dust. You need your father, as do your siblings, to be a rock, so he must protect himself from the elements of your mother's life style until she can be cured of what is driving her behavior.

In these things I think you need to tell your Dad, that you ALL need him, but you need him healthy, you need him happy, and you need him in your life for a long time. Continuing along the same path will NOT accomplish these things.

Tell him, send him here if necessary, but tell him. He has done a lot to be proud of, and so have you. I know he fears losing your mother, but he has already he needs to face that. The real issue is can he get her back and that takes some tough love right now.

I hope something I have said will help.

God Bless,

JL