Spin off from my "aggressive men" post..

So I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks - from the start he didnt phone alot. Usually, to confirm a day and time that's it..and usually it was 1/2 before the scheduled time.

We have since had SF and do seem to have alot of other things in common as well as being attracted to each other..

So I mentioned that emotionally I needed to talk to him more, a phone call here and there would be nice and it was something "I NEEDED"..He could call me at work if he was short on time.

When we started the R I asked right out - was this strictly emotional or a physical R...He said he couldn't have only a physical R w/me. He wanted both from me..so I didn't feel it was out of line to ask him to met a need of mine.

Well, it's been 3 days since I heard from him and we are to get together tonite - should I mention it again or put this R into the right perspective it's only physical and not allow myself to get attached emotionally??? Realize that he's yet another guy that's all talk??? That he only said he wants the emotional side to get to my physical side. Should I play the game of - hey, let's not talk much - let's just S####..Isn't that what we are here for???? Shut him out emotionally..???

I do know that at work right now he's VERY busy - but, hey a phone call can take 2 min..we all have 2 min..

Suggestions please....

(((ItHurts)))

You and I have posted back and forth in the past and I have to ask WHAT THE SAM HILL ARE YOU DOING?

A month ago you posted this "We here at MB all know that A's aren't justifiable" and now you are in an affair of your own. Unless in the past two weeks you've managed to move out, file, and get a divorce.

You've been seeing him for all of two weeks and already had sex. WTF is up with that. Then you asking if you should ask your affair partner to meet any needs above your waste.

And who are we kidding, it's obvious he wants you for the thing you gave him so easily. So let's put this relationship into perspective, you are an emotionally unhealthy married woman who is having an affair. It would be out of line to ask Mr. New guy to meet any of you other needs and emotionally insane to expect any type of healthy relationship to spur from this.

Suggestions:::::

OK.... GET A DIVORCE... GET HEALTHY.... THEN DATE.... Until then, hang a No-Vacancy sign off your belt......

3 days and you haven't heard from him? hmmm... what has your communication normally been like before this?

I believe you should talk about it with him, without making demands, and without being manipulative. Perhaps he doesn't realize how it makes you feel, maybe there's something going on that you need to know, etc etc. A couple of weeks into a R is a little early to be expecting a whole lot of emotional commitment, and a whole lot of rearranging of his life for communication and attention from a man (I'm learning this myself!!!!), depending on the type of man, but you definitely should talk about it and see what's going on, and let him know it's on your mind, without a lot of pressure, or else he'll run. But keeping it inside will cause YOU to run, or cause you to otherwise communicate to him in an unpleasant way.

Seems like he could do better.

Uh, you're still married and there is no divorce even started?

So I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks - from the start he didnt phone alot. Usually, to confirm a day and time that's it..and usually it was 1/2 before the scheduled time.

We have since had SF
So he is only calling to confirm he can get some (and that you will give it up)?

So I mentioned that emotionally I needed to talk to him more, a phone call here and there would be nice and it was something "I NEEDED"..He could call me at work if he was short on time.
You told him what you want and he won’t do it. Why are you in the sack with this guy?

Well, it's been 3 days since I heard from him and we are to get together tonite - should I mention it again or put this R into the right perspective it's only physical and not allow myself to get attached emotionally???
Sex is only a physical thing with you?

Suggestions please....
Stop dating ANYONE until your divorce is final.
Stop having sex until you are in an extremely committed relationship (like at LEAST 6 months of monogamous dating)

oops.... just read LH's post. Didnt' know you were still married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

ditto what he said.

Wow, sounds pretty backwards to me.

I have to agree with the others - I would get divorced first, then spend A LOT of time healing, then go on some casual dates, then find someone whom you like, then spend lots of time with them to see if you are compatible, and only then consider sex.

You seem to have done these backwards, having sex first, then wondering if you are compatible, now wondering what you want out of a relationship... But still not healed or even divorced...

You've been on these boards long enough to know that what you are doing is a train wreck waiting to happen, right?

AGG

Amen to everything LH and Chris and everyone else said. Please re-examine everything you're doing, the order in which you're doing them, and your own personal situation. You are setting yourself up for more emotional difficulties, and besides that, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED.

I'll let the not being divorced thing pass. But for the rest.... You made it clear what you were looking for from the start. You reiterated it. You had sex with him. He hasn't called in three days. So he's too busy during the day to call from work. Yeah, me too. But does he work 24 hours per day? If he really wanted a good emotional relationship with you, he'd be calling sure enough.

This one's a no brainer for a man to figure out. He lied to you. It's only about sex to him. He's going to tell you differently. It's a lie. He's going to come up with some hooey or the other as an excuse for this unacceptable and highly disrespectful behavior and that's going to be a lie too. Dear, I'm sorry, but to him, you are what is known nowadays as a "booty call."

Were I you, the only thing I would mention to him tonight is that I don't care to seen him anymore and walk away.

I'll let the not being divorced thing pass.
So sex with someone outside a mrriage is acceptable?

"So sex with someone outside a mrriage is acceptable?"

I think by this you mean extra-marital sex. No. Except, unless I'm getting confused about this, ITHURTS and her H have been seperated for some time. Is that correct, ITHURTS?

I let it pass because others had already made this point; beat her up pretty badly, too. There was no need of my doing so again. More importantly, her marital status is not the issue here, but rather her being used for sex by a man who is lying to her.

First things first...I am sorry that you hare embroiled in this minor mess, but you know what MOST men are like and your "partner" is not disappointing you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Probably not a real good idea to be having SF at this point. Your sitch shows exactly why...

Are D proceedings in progress at all? Personally, I can cut some slack to someone who is simply waiting to get things done, but proceedings have to be initiated.

Minor OT: I have been curious about this question...viewing M as a "contract", is one party obligated to hold to the agreed upon items within the contract if the other party has shown no desire to honor that contract? Talk amongst yourselves! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'll be the first to admit that, having no meet any of my SF EN's has been hard, but its been getting easier. I still think about it a LOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> but I have better control over it.

Men, while always receptive to women who "put out" early in an R, usually don't respect them, I am sad to say. That lesson has been learned by you again.

Now, if you had already initiated D proceedings AND both POJA'ed that you were "F-B's", that would be different, but you each seem to have a different view on what your R is.

My own personal boundary is no SF outside of an agreement of exclusivity, which will encompass a period of dating and getting to know each other. Will it hold? I do believe it will.

What helps keep it in place is my PORH because anything I am asked about, will not be obfuscated. Sexual history is always a dicey subject because if you aren't ready for the answer, don't ask the question. I tend to be open about it in an exclusive R.

My advice...Dump him QUICK, get a hobby and keep any men STRICTLY on the platonic/non-physical R level...it's hard to realize your missing EN's if you are doing other things.

I don't want to have to explain to any future women that, in addition to being a FWH, I was sleeping around once I became single...that just ain't attractive.

Hope you get through this "Lesson Learned" relatively unscathed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{ITHURTS}}}}}}}

Scott

Speaking as someone who had SF before his divorce was finalized, I can say that I was not emotionally scarred by the incident.

However, I would not recommend it and I CERTAINLY DON'T RECOMMEND the expectation of a permanent relationship from it.

To answer the original question, in general, if your ENs aren't being met, then most definitely communicate as much. If he says he's not in it just for the SF, then take him up on his word. Hold him to it.

Okay, I'm going to chime in here. I've been separated for 2.5 years, I filed for divorced 2 years ago. We're finally wrapping the whole thing up. By Thanksgiving, I should be free.

Only now am I emotionally ready to date.

A year ago, when it became obvious to me my marriage was never going to work, I thought I was ready to date. After all, I hadn't been in love with my husband in years. I was ready to date casually, in my mind. I didn't want a relationship. I didn't have time for anything. My kids, my house, my garden, my cats, my school, my job, everything came before a romantic relationship. Luckily, I was still married, the divorce was way far away and so, I didn't date.

With another 13 months under my belt, I look back and think of the harm I could have done to another if I had "casually dated." I really could have hurt someone. I didn't want a relationship at all. I just wanted company.

Now, I think I'm a lot closer. I miss having someone to hang out with during the day on Saturday and Sunday, not just having something to do on Saturday night. I miss the give and take and the challenge of having someone else in my life. Suddenly, reliquishing some control of my life to someone else doesn't make me queasy. The sight of a wedding still churns my stomach though.

Now, if I date, I'll have something real to offer if I might a right one.

Now, back to the orginal question. I'm not sure you should even have to ask a new date to fill an Emotional Need. The dating process is an exploration of if and how someone fills your emotional needs. If you have to ask now, and it's work now, just imagine what it'll be like later.

beat her up pretty badly, too.
???
I wouldn't say that was much of anything except a small rebuke.

Speaking as someone who had SF before his divorce was finalized,
But the big problem I see this instance is that a divorce has not even been filed! Anyone even talked with a lawyer yet?

I would say that you are getting confused about this. It Hurts has been on an emotional rollercoaster for quite while. However, in a post two weeks ago, she did indicate that she was not seperated and that she had not filed. She also works with her husband. Two weeks before that she was questioning her husbands motives for wanting to spend some more time together.

(((ItHurts))) If I'm remembering correctly we talked about a divorce like 9 months or so ago and you said something about the "finances holding you back". I saw you post the same thing a couple weeks back, are you working on those finances?

I sure have...filing after Columbus Day, having met the 6 month "living apart" requirement and, 2 months after that, I'll be free and clear as a single. No dates up to this point, but should the opportunity arise, I probably will. I am not even worrying about SF before the D becomes final because that requires a willing partner that I don't have! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I do miss the daily give/take of an R...having someone to share the funny/strange/bad/good moments of our lives, so dating is something to be explored CAREFULLY, but I am in NO hurry for M.

I feel ready for exclusivity, but the thoughts of M in the next 3-5 years is not too appealing.

I sure have...filing after Columbus Day, having met the 6 month "living apart" requirement and, 2 months after that, I'll be free and clear as a single
ITHURTS is complaining about sex with her boyfriend. She is not separated nor has a divorce been filed (as far as I can tell).This is what I was referring to.

ITHURTS, Where are you?

OOPS! My bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

YES - I am still legally M..I have been here at MB for about 2 years now. I have learnt that the MB principles do not apply to SERIAL CHEATS and those w/deep "issues". I have realized that my WH will never change and that he will never seek help..he has no remose he wants to be M only when he sees that I am getting stronger and that I don't care anymore.
SO, I finally let go of the deep love that I had for my M and WH. Loving him was more painful than letting go..When I realized that I could NEVER have SF w/him again or love him as deeply as I did it was a feeling of freedom. I feel so emotionally secure now that I've let go.

Lost - Yes, I recently saw my attorney and she strongly suggested that I NOT file for D, just move out. It would be more financially damaging for both of us to D. I have been looking for a house for a couple of months now.

As for having SF after 2 weeks - it was alittle longer than that and I saw him probably 8 times. When I met him - I connected immediately - never had I felt that way about another man in the past. He made me feel so good about myself and I genuinely like him. Maybe that's wrong in some minds and it would have been in mine years ago - BUT, when I let go of WH I changed alot of things about myself. I gave alot of thought to this b-4 I did it. I realized I'm not 16 and if I want SF then I'm going to do it, but only w/someone that I felt comfortable with.

It wasn't a weak moment - I was tired for being degraded, etc. when all along I knew I was a desirable woman that deserved having someone touch her and fill needs that her WH never did nor cared to do.

I am in no way JUSTIFYING my actions nor do I feel that I am in an A - I'm moving forward w/me life that's all.

Check - Right now he is basically working 24 hrs a day - this will be over in 2 weeks so I'll see if he's a man of his word or just a "dog". Yesterday, he said I'll call you in an hr. the next thing I know he shows up and we go to dinner so maybe it's just a phone thing. Maybe not all guys are phone addicts like my WH. If I am a "booty call" - that will come out in the next couple of weeks and maybe I won't even care - since I was the one that didn't want an emotional connection. I was just following up on my attraction to him.

As for my WH and I being separated - we still live in the same home but do nothing outside of business together. I don't do his laundry, cook, etc. Though, in the past couple of weeks he has been nicer to me - but I believe it to be all about the chase and I won't go back to being the emotional basketcase that I was 6 months ago. I can't and I've told him that.

BigGuy - I do not expect a permanent R from this - and I don't believe that I will be scarred by my actions either. I feel that he's meeting a need that I have right now and I'll let the chips fall and maybe I am heading for a train wreck as someone posted - But, at least I got off the rollercoaster and finally feel good about myself and who I am.

If I still feel that I need him to met an EN and he can't do it - then the connection wasn't mutual and I'll take it from there - maybe we will end up as friends that make booty calls..I don't know...I just know how healthy I feel and it's not fog....

Hugs