Glad to hear from you...it sounds like you have this a lot more together than I initially thought. When you were talking about him not meeting EN's, I (mistakenly) thought you were looking to get involved in a romantic R with him! Whew!!

I am really glad to hear that you have let go of WH...When will it be financially feasible (if ever) for you two to D? I know I wouldn't want that hanging over my head.

I feel the same way about SF...I just haven't had the opportunity arise with a lady I am COMFORTABLE with. Chasing women in a bar is not an attractive alternative for me, but the "hormones" are raging today!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I know this flies in the face of the religious aspect of M, but my question about the marital "contract" still applies.

[color:"blue"] [/color]

That beng said, why is a BS, when faced with an unrepentant WS, forced to deny him/herself SF? Are all BS's capable of doing what you are? No! It is a path fraught with problems (emotional connections, etc), but if you, AS A THINKING ADULT, can handle it, who are we to say otherwise?

I am happy to see that there are no rose-colored glasses resting on your nose...as long as you and he BOTH are open and honest about your R AND he knows about your "situation", who are we to say what two law abiding consenting adults are doing?

You seem very much together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would only say, D that rat of a WH as soon as it is financially feasible to do so.

Best to you,

WNB

I don't know you personally, but what you wrote above is very typical "fog talk". Most affairs start with exactly the same feelings of "I never felt this way before about anyone".

I am not even focusing on the issue of whether or not you are divorced; my concern is that you appear to be stepping into a very tricky situation that I don't think you are ready for.

AGG

I have learnt that the MB principles do not apply to SERIAL CHEATS and those w/deep "issues".
Where does it say anything about ANYONE it applies to (except married couples)?
NO WHERE on this site does it say MB Principles WILL save your marriage or make a spouse stop cheating or make spouse change in any way at all.
No where does it say you have to/should stay married.

MB principles are a way in which a marriage can be better if applied by both people in a relationship.
If you do your part in using MB principles then they HAVE worked, whether or not the spouse changes in any way.

In my opinion, since you wish to stay married (for whatever reasons) and have relationships outside of the marriage, you have not learned anything about what a healthy relationship is or even should be.

Sorry...

(((ItHurts)))

Let me first say, welcome back, I was hopen’ that we didn’t run you off. Let me also say that I totally understand and respect all that you’ve said for what that’s worth. I, actually, wasn’t going to reply but a couple of things really stuck out to me. So being the jerk that I am, I’m going to put a couple things out there in hopes that it keeps those wheels turning, if you wish not to reply, that’s fine……

“””Loving him was more painful than letting go..”””

Awesome statement…. Love it….

“””When I met him - I connected immediately - never had I felt that way about another man in the past.”””

Why do you think that is? Is it possible that it similar to the old adage about feeding a starving man a cracker? You were and are starving for love and attention. Be careful with your heart.

“””He made me feel so good about myself and I genuinely like him.”””

OK…. This is the statement that I couldn’t pass up. IMVHO, this is a destructive rather than positive sign. A statement that 99% of all wayward spouses, alcoholics, and drug addicts could make. To heck with the bible or my normal values or anything else, this makes me feel good. So now I ask where is your motivation to recover, heal, and grieve? You must admit, you were in and still are in a bad situation with your hubby. ItHurts, I do hope you seek or in counseling otherwise the dysfunction of your past will haunt your future. That being said, I believe that while you are in this “feeling good” phase your grieving, healing, and basically recovery is displaced into the dark recesses. From what you’ve described and what you’ve been through, this ain’t a deal that you are going to get over in weeks or months. And again, IMHO anything that you do to mask your feelings is only going to prolong the inevitable.

“””I want SF then I'm going to do it”””

So, to heck with anything else, I’m gonna ‘get some’. If you are a religious person, what does this say about that? And honestly, what does it say about your respect for yourself? That you are willing to have this guy, who doesn’t meet other needs that you want him too, speaks volumes to me. You can say all you want the you just want sex, believe it’s just sex, or whatever, but quite frankly from your first post on this thread, it’s evident that you are starving for more, more, more…..

“””I am in no way JUSTIFYING my actions nor do I feel that I am in an A”””

I believe that in the eyes of God and in the eyes of man you are a married woman engaging in sexual relations with someone other than your husband. Where I come from we call that an affair or the act of committing adultery.

“””I'm moving forward w/me life that's all.”””

I truly hope you are, but from my vantage point, I happen to think while you may be moving forward with getting rid of the hubby, I wouldn’t saying you were moving forward with your life.

”””maybe I won't even care - since I was the one that didn't want an emotional connection.”””

WTF!!!! Are you listening to yourself. 3 days ago you were saying that you “NEEDED” him to meet some of your EMOTIONAL NEEDS and went on to tell us that he wanted a EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL relationship and now you are saying you don’t care…. BULL BUTTER… BULL BUTTER…

“””But, at least I got off the rollercoaster”””

You may have gotten off one rollercoaster but I happen to think you are still taking yourself for a ride.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Sorry but this will be a long reply

BigGuy - Most affairs start with exactly the same feelings of "I never felt this way before about anyone".

I guess I should have worded this differently. For years I never even made eye contact w/OM. Yes, I had male friends but that was it. I guarded my heart and my M from infidelity and flirting. For some reason this man out of all the others was easy to talk to and I did make eye contact. Could I have felt open to him 6 months ago - probably not maybe he "wasn't different" but I am. I still don't make eye contact w/just anyone but I no longer feel M either.

Chris - I guess when I was on GQII - many experienced MB posters - would tell me and I believed it - the principles Plan A-B won't work for me. THough, I kept trying Plan A - then only emotionally did I go to Plan B. I finally realized that I had to protect myself from anymore hurt.

Lost - I respect so much of comments and when I reply sometimes it's the mode of the day I'm in - so maybe only 1/2 is from my heart and the other from my anger and renewed strength in myself.

I actually told my WH that it hurt to love him. Not only emotionlly, I was physically sick from his A's. Like so many here who have been destroyed and their WS doesn't care or see it. I had so many people telling me to get out - leave him - yet, I hung onto the hopes that the man I M would come back - then I realized he's probably cheated for years and that he cant' change. It's not about ME...

"You were and are starving for love and attention. Be careful with your heart."

Absolutely - I was starved for 10 years. Yet, I let his excuse for lack of SF or affection rule. I found an outlet - my horse, friends, shopping, to fullfill me. I kept busy to bury the lose that I felt and I could have been happy w/that. BUT - when I found out about all the SF, attn. he was getting and giving - I was devasted. How could he not want me??? What did I do?? How can I get my M back??? I prayed everynite for my H to love me..yet, God didn't answer me.

"So now I ask where is your motivation to recover, heal, and grieve? You must admit, you were in and still are in a bad situation with your hubby. ItHurts, I do hope you seek or in counseling otherwise the dysfunction of your past will haunt your future. That being said, I believe that while you are in this “feeling good” phase your grieving, healing, and basically recovery is displaced into the dark recesses. From what you’ve described and what you’ve been through, this ain’t a deal that you are going to get over in weeks or months. And again, IMHO anything that you do to mask your feelings is only going to prolong the inevitable."

Lost - Truly, I believe that I have greived long enough for the lose of my WH/M, I have hurt long enough. The reason I feel healed is that his A's no longer hurt me - since they are not about me and there is NOTHING I can do to fix this mess. I guess I just don't care about the OW anymore.

I was in IC - what helped me the most is seeing how many MOW/OW my WH has in his pocket. It made me realize he is sick and I can be the best W in the world and still he would have his OW. He has alot of issues that he is too proud to admit and take accountability for his actions so he refuses any type of couceling. What's tell you????

So - should I give up my lifestyle??? IMHO NO..in my attorneys opinion - not yet.

"I want SF then I'm going to do it”””

I guess this was the mood I was in..I should have said it differently.
"You can say all you want the you just want sex, believe it’s just sex, or whatever, but quite frankly from your first post on this thread, it’s evident that you are starving for more, more, more…"
Again, Lost your right - but, for the moment, right now I need reassurance that I am alive - that I'm none of the things WH says about me. and if this particular man makes me feel that way - then I guess I'll take that feeling for now. It's better than the YEARS of rejection and control that WH had over me. Rather than love me or emotionally support me - he gave gifts.

"I believe that in the eyes of God and in the eyes of man you are a married woman engaging in sexual relations with someone other than your husband. Where I come from we call that an affair or the act of committing adultery."

Gez - if only my WH thought that way I wouldn't be here would I???? Isn't it wrong for a husband to control, manipulate and withold affection from his wife? Doesn't God want a man to love only his own wife?

I don't feel like I am committing adultery - I don't feel remorse at all. 6 months ago, I would have. But, this man has done everything to destroy/control me and believe me he's not done yet. I feel what I am doing has made me see what I have missed all these years and see what is NORMAL between 2 consenting adults.

"I happen to think while you may be moving forward with getting rid of the hubby, I wouldn’t saying you were moving forward with your life"

And maybe I needed this man to push me alittle harder than my friends/family were able to do. Maybe, I needed to open my eyes to the dysfunction in "our" life together. Maybe it's not the text book way to leave a M but I needed a big push. And I won't leave WH becoz of this man or any man - I will leave for myself because finally I see clearly what my life will always be if I stay in this M.

"WTF!!!! Are you listening to yourself. 3 days ago you were saying that you “NEEDED” him to meet some of your EMOTIONAL NEEDS and went on to tell us that he wanted a EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL relationship and now you are saying you don’t care…. BULL BUTTER… BULL BUTTER

Heck - we need EN met from everyone that we deal w/relationship wise - whether it's our friends, family, etc. I dont' know what I want/expect from this man or any man at this point. I was hoping days ago that he would be different than my WH, maybe he's not. I don't want to be a "booty call" becoz I value myself and what I can be to others more than that - but, I may have to put it all into perspective..time will tell. Do I care - YES and NO..that's not a maybe answer that's a woman who has values but has left her guard down in order to save herself.

WH is still trying to play me..nice one day, crap the next..He rants that I won't let me guard down - yet, he doesn't see that I am only protecting myself from him. I know in my heart once he sucks me back in he'll do it again and I can't go back to that place again.
He's had 2 years to change and now all of a sudden he's taking baby steps towards me???? Doesn't he realize that he needs to take GIANT STEPS to save this M??? That I am sooo far gone from this M??? OR does he see it and realizes what he will lose and he's afraid of that?? The games are over....

So I am still living in a crazy place w/WH and until I find a house it will remain that way - he won't leave me alone..unless it's "convenient" for him..I'll still have to work w/him but at least I'll have peace at home.

Everyone tells me- he'll never let me go and there are days that I see it and it scares me..I loved him so much and now when I look at him I feel nothing..that's sad.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
So - should I give up my lifestyle??? IMHO NO..in my attorneys opinion - not yet.
Your attorney is telling you it is okay and acceptable and you should continue to have sex and date with someone other than your husband when no one has filed for divorce?
Sheesh...

I don't feel like I am committing adultery - I don't feel remorse at all. 6 months ago, I would have.
Since NOTHING has changed, why do you now feel it is okay?
Most ws feel the exact same way when they are in an affair because of the same issues you bring up (loneliness, too much pain, no more pain, indifference, etc).

He's had 2 years to change and now all of a sudden he's taking baby steps towards me???? Doesn't he realize that he needs to take GIANT STEPS to save this M???
This statement tells me that you are still open to reconciliation, yet it's somehow acceptable to be doing someone outside the marriage...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

(((It Hurts))) I’m only going to address a couple of comments but let me preface them with a couple of words. I do hope that it goes without saying that I’m only posting to you out of love and experience. I truly want nothing more than for you to thrive in life and love.

“””The reason I feel healed is that his A's no longer hurt me”””

Let me say that it’s my belief that the final phase of the grieving process IMHO brings forgiveness and I haven’t heard that in you. As a matter of opinion, even in this post I hear a lot of spite and anger. So that’s probably the reason I don’t think you’ve healed.

“””Again, Lost your right - but, for the moment, right now I need reassurance that I am alive”””

You know what (((ItHurts))), that’s probably the most ‘real’ thing I’ve heard you say. I can definitely understand and relate to that. I think that’s very common and quite frankly a very honest assessment of the situation.

“””if only my WH thought that way I wouldn't be here would I???? Isn't it wrong for a husband to control, manipulate and withhold affection from his wife? Doesn't God want a man to love only his own wife?”””

OK, this is where we part views. This is using your husband’s screwed up actions to justify yours. It doesn’t matter what God wants from your husband, he’s obviously running on self-will. But by the same token it’s no mystery what God wants for you.

”””I don't feel like I am committing adultery - I don't feel remorse at all. 6 months ago, I would have.”””

I can only say that by every legal or religious definition of the word, I do believe you are and why don’t we just call a spade a spade? Would it make a difference if you felt that you were doing something illegal or against the word of God?

“””But, this man has done everything to destroy/control me and believe me he's not done yet.”””

Oh, I believe it and frankly I think he’s doing it right now, today, in the words of this post.

Chris -
No -my attorney has only advised me to buy a house, move out. I did "ask" what would happen if I also stepped out of the M? She said - don't..move out first. Though, I didn't listen to that advise did I??


I have changed..I have given up on saving my WH from his self destruction and our M. I have forced myself to stop loving someone that doesn't love/respect themself.



I don't know if I am open to reconciliation, I just know that his current actions aren't enough to suck me back in like they were in the past. I was too easy with him for too long and now I have boundaries/demands that I know he can't meet. So the wall around me stays up.

Chris - I don't feel M anymore, I don't feel the deep love anymore. I feel very single..I feel we only share the same house and nothing more. He's been gone TOO LONG...

Lost -

I truly believe this - I know you aren't here to bash or make me feel bad. You've advised me in the past and I have always respected your views and I Thank You for caring about me and others on this BB..



I have forgiven him in my heart - because I realize he can't stop his A's. He has a problem - and he doesn't want help. Sex and MOW/OW are a drug for him. He has intimacy issues that he failed to mention to me or to ask me to help him resolve. So rather than face the man in the mirror he turned and walked out on our M.

I'm angry at him only for what he's done to destroy our life and for shutting me out for 10 years - he didn't need to do that. I'm angry that after being caught he had no remorse he only got worse, went deeper into it all. I'm angry that at 48 years old MY LIFE HAS TO CHANGE because of HIS ACTIONS not mine.

But, really I have forgiven him. Does forgiveness require me to be his doormat again? Does it require me to break down the wall and allow him to manipulate me again??? I will always be there for him in some capacity in a time of need but I will not allow him to break my heart again.



I don't feel the need to justify my actions. I feel single, I don't have a H that loves me, is there for me, shares with me, etc. 2 years ago I had to do for myself, make more friends, eat alone, go out alone and build a life w/o him. It was self-preservation. And No, God doesn't want me to step out and what I've done isn't right in the eyes of God -and I know this but I also know that I needed this affirmation - that I was still a living/feeling woman that even though her WH didn't want her - someone did.

Will I do this again w/another man? NO - I don't think I will.


When my WH removed his wedding ring and continued w/his string of women - He was no longer my H..When he emotionally and physically abused me - he was no longer my H..Eyes/Word of God or not he LEFT ME. Now, God helped me to LEAVE HIM. TO LET GO of a love that isn't real..that only hurts not comforts and guides. God doesn't want me or my family to hurt anymore. He knows I gave it my all and some M and people can't be saved.



Your right again..his repeated actions caused my reaction.

Lost - all along I swore I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't lower my standards/morals and I guess I don't feel that I have because I don't care about my WH or my M anymore. There's nothing left. This was never a M - this was me being the "doll in the china closet".

Hugs

IH,
Please don't think I'm just bashing on you.
When someone has been around here a while and just trots along, seemingly to ignore everything they have learned here or do exactly what they have previously stood against, they don't necessarily need to be "coddled".

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I really would like the best for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are changing your ideals and your standards.
It's okay to change, but think of why you had those ideals in the first place.

"I swore I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't lower my standards/morals and I guess I don't feel that I have because I don't care about my WH or my M anymore."
These types of comments are EXACTLY the type of comments we hear from a ws.
How is it ANY different?
Previously it would not be acceptable to you but simply because he did it first, it is now okay for you?

I don't know if I am open to reconciliation,
If you don't know if you are open to it, then I suggest you still are open to it, if a bunch of really big things were to happen.
It does not seem even remotely possible he could change, but what if?

One other thing.
my attorney has only advised me to buy a house, move out.
I would be very, very, very careful about making any major purchases while still married and no paperwork has even been filed.
Generally, until divorce/separation papers are actually filed, any purchases could be considered joint property.

Chris - What I have learnt here at MB is - HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE...and not all M should be saved.

When that all sunk in to my little brain and I saw his repeated infidelities, his blaming me, etc.etc....I had to stop crying and saying "I love this man"...I had to say I have to stop loving this man..he's killing me..he broke my spirit..Enough..

I stood against men/women who stepped into the M of others -that destroyed families broke the hearts of our parents and our children and never "felt" the damage they incurred..


No, it's not that he "did it first" - it's that he's a serial/long term cheat. It took alot for me to find this out, if he did it a couple of times and stopped I would never have built a wall around myself.
I flat out told him that if he would have kept it to the 1 woman, I never would have found out about her and it wouldn't even be that bad for me - ******, maybe I would have even accepted it..But NO - he had to bring it to work, he had to go w/MOW/OW well beneath his level and mine for what????? He had to go further into his addiction.

It was ok for me - because I realized I'm not a part of the equation. It was ok for me because I too have needs though they weren't purely sexual in nature. They were for me to feel again to be alive again with or without him..After all the damage he had done to my soul/spirit.


I said this for awhile now, I waited for big things to hit the fan and they did..But, it didn't change him. Having the police to our home was a huge issue..he didn't stop. Wrecking his car again he called me for a ride but he didn't stop. Exposing his MOW/OW - didn't stop him. MOW/OW husbands calling him..didn't stop him...Problems at work, home - nothing will stop him..I'm done "what if'ing" my M..and him..he only comes back for the chase and it has to stop..I deserve a life - but, I don't deserve to start over w/nothing..If you read my prior posts - I begged for 2x4's and they came and they went w/no change in him.

I truly believe that he will not 100% step back into the M - becoz he cannot give up the lifestyle he too is so use to - being many OW..and if he always has someone in his back pocket he'll never be "a true husband" to me or anyone.

We haven't slept in the same room for almost 2 years now - how can I even think I'm still M???? I do none of the typical wife duties so again I don't feel M.


I realize this and I don't care if it's joint property - everything we have is together so as my attorney put it - buying a house is an "advance on my settlement"..Hey, maybe we will never actually D - that doesn't bother me right now becoz I have not plans on ever re-marrying..

Hugs

I realize this and I don't care if it's joint property - everything we have is together so as my attorney put it - buying a house is an "advance on my settlement"..
As long as you realize you may have to give him half of your new house.

Well - I don't mind since he will be keeping our home that "we" built together and decorated, etc. I'll be the one starting over and I can bet my new home won't be 1/2 as nice as the one I currently live in..

The downpayment will be from "our" money so rightfully it is half his..just like our business is jointly owned. Yet, he'll do better if we D. He'll retain ownership - that's another reason why financially my attorney does not want me to D him. If I just move out - I'll retain all the company perks, paycheck, insurance etc. If we D I'll have to fight for all of that..and I'm not a good fighter..

Luckily, we have zero debt..so that's a good thing. The only debt would be the balance due on the house I buy for myself.

I do hope I find a nice home as I need to get away from this dysfunction and lead a normal life - kind of like what "I thought I had".. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hugs

So are you planning on moving out and living a single life without filing for divorce?

How does your husband feel about this?

Lexxy - He gets very angry when I say that I am looking for a house and that YES, I want to move out..He tells me to leave that day..pack and go if I want to go..."he" cannot live like this..knowing that I am planning to leave and that I "come and go as I please".

I have had no choice but to try and build a life w/o him. He came and went for 2 years now and he still does it when it suits him. It was ok that I lived that way - wondering if he was going to leave me for some bimbo, or his drinking everyday and wondering if he would make it home..But, put that shoe on the other foot and he doesn't like it..

Typical narcissist pd. - Nobody leaves them...that's another reason I don't look forward to D. It will be VERY UGLY.

I won't be the first person to move out and not file for D -people do it all the time for many reasons including religion...

ITHURTS,

I don't know where you live, but you might ask your attorney about being in a relationship while you are still married. It could affect your alimony.

I live in NC and my attorney advised against dating because it could affect the amount of alimony I would receive.

Best of luck to you.

(((ItHurts)))

Again, if you ever get tired of me meddling, just tell me to shut-up…lol…

1. “””I have forgiven him in my heart”””
2. “””I'm angry at him only for what he's done”””
3. “””I'm angry that at 48 years old MY LIFE HAS TO CHANGE because of HIS ACTIONS”””

As someone who at one point lived a destructive life out of anger and masked my forgiveness, I felt it necessary to respond to that. IMVHO and what I’ve learned through my own personal dealings is that #1 cannot be true if #2 and #3 exist. Extremely troublesome and hits close to where I lived is #3. That sounds as if you are carrying a bag full of resentments which again would indicate lack of forgiveness. (((ItHurts))), it’s early in the process and quite frankly there hasn’t been time to process everything. But truly, I’ve stood where you are standing now and offer the hope from my experience that there can be a time when the resentments and anger are gone.

”””Does forgiveness require me to be his doormat again?”””

No….. Forgiveness at it’s core releases him from having any control or influence on your emotions. Again, no acting out of resentment or anger.

“””Does it require me to break down the wall and allow him to manipulate me again?”””

No…. And the focus of forgiveness is not on him, it’s on you. There is a reason why forgiveness is at the end of the grieving process because it’s only after you’ve processed all the crap that you can forgive.

“””And No, God doesn't want me to step out and what I've done isn't right in the eyes of God -and I know this but I also know that I needed this affirmation - that I was still a living/feeling woman that even though her WH didn't want her - someone did.”””

Again, I can totally relate and understand that and applaud your honesty.

”””God doesn't want me or my family to hurt anymore.”””

I totally agree with that. I loving parent never wants their child to hurt and they provide comfort when that happens. By the same token, I loving parent wouldn’t want their child to walk on a broken leg, even if the child could do so with little pain. They want that child to fully heal and not do more damage to themselves. I’ve also heard it said, that often healed broken legs are stronger than they were before. That’s my wish for you, that you come through this deal as a stronger and happier woman.

“””Lost - all along I swore I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't lower my standards/morals and I guess I don't feel that I have because I don't care about my WH or my M anymore. There's nothing left. This was never a M - this was me being the "doll in the china closet".”””

This is obviously where we are at a place of disagreement. At the times when I’ve actively lived in sin, it’s easy for me to justify my actions, but again at some point I’ve always had to go home and face my Father. And before I get there He knows I’ve done wrong and is ready to provide me with all of His mercy and love as soon as I ask for His forgiveness…..

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Bill - I do value your comments/suggestions. Rather than walk this alone I have you and others here to give me their point of view and yes, we are allowed to disagree .

So you don't think by what I've said that I have forgiven him for his A's??? Yet, I think I have.

Maybe, what I haven't forgiven and I'm not sure that I haven't is how he has treated me and my family/friends thru all this. That I see other WS here that are remorseful, working on having a better M and he went the opposite way. There - that's the answer - I don't get how he could be this way. How can these OW be more important than the life we "could" have? It's the disrespect that angers me. If I havent' forgiven him for that - maybe I never will. Do I have to??? Is that part of my healing??

I will say that the deep attraction I had for my husband is gone - when I look at him I see nothing and feel very little. That's a good thing for me - I need to continue to let go and get over him. It's not becoz I finally had an attraction to another man - it's becoz he is ugly to me know - the inside and the outside.



I don't think I'll ever be totally free of his control, unless I do move out, get a new job, and D him. This man is the master of manipulation/control. He knows exactly what buttons to push..hard as I try he still has some amount of control over me. Maybe it's the years of living like this - it's what I'm use to????



Thank You..I hope for that too. Though, never being on "my own" may always haunt me and allow someone to control me in some way. Sometimes I believe my WH that I will never find anyone better than him. Why - becoz I'm use to the dysfunction. I probably wouldn't realize a healthy/loving/intimate relationship if it hit me in the face. I know they exist but I don't see that in my future.

I do still believe that God doesn't want this for me..he has given me family/friends/things to distract and fulfill me to carry this burden of a WH..But, my heart got too heavy since he didn't change and I stepped out of line. But, I just don't feel M anymore..

Hugs...