My FWS “I’m hoping I can call her that” are almost three months from D-day and we are about to hit what most would consider a meaningless anniversary. We have celebrated the day we met every year and last year I invested my heart and soul for the future of our M and that event created my conundrum.

Last year went on a trip to celebrate the day we met and I wanted to surprise her with a gift prior to our “25th Wedding anniversary” and knew next year she would be expecting something on that date anyway. I also knew we became more distant but my W stated it was the stress from her job. Anyway on that trip I thanked her for the best 25 years or my life and proposed with an anniversary ring, telling her it was for the start of our next 25 years together.

Today I know she was already on an EA at that time and within a couple of months it became PA. Because of what happened since our last anniversary, her A, I’m unsure what to do?

Do I ignore it this year? Treat it like previous years…Prior to last year I would buy her Red Roses and take her out to dinner. Or do something else?

If you are in plan B, then obviously no.

If you are in plan A or recovery, I think you should celebrate an anniversary of any type, since it is something you do to love(the verb) your W. It is an opportunity to show her your love and commitment to her.

I understand that maybe you don't want to because you are hurting. But, the short opinion from me is that it is a way (by tradition, it sounds) that you have shown your W you love her. In plan A or in recovery, wouldn't you want to show her that?

I don't think recovery has to be the nightmare of 24 hour a day reminders and lock down it sometimes sounds to be. Recovery can have good times. This sounds like an opportunity to have a good time.

Thats my take.

It sounds like a prime chance for the two of you to work on rebuilding your marriage to me.

We had a similar issue in our recovery...and we used it as a day for the two of us to spend TOGETHER, showing each other how much we love each other. No R talks, didn't talk about the past year of ****** that we had gone through. It was a GREAT day.

Try to use it as a day to build NEW happy memories for the two of you.

I agree with what you are telling me but I’m concerned about how she’ll take it? Lately my W, doesn’t like any compliments and seems to have very low self-esteem. I afraid she is going to just go into a song and dance about how unworthy she is.

I know just what you mean. Song and dance about no self-worth.

Do not support it. Don't spend tons of time trying to change her mind. Remember, actions outweigh words, so tell her you disagree with her assessment of herself and then just continue to show her she has worth.

Maybe she could see you remembering the anniversary and the celebration of it as she is worth it.

Is she remorseful adbout the A? Has she stopped the A?

Sorry to not be up on your situation... but she will need to find her self-worth. Reading here can help, but the one thing you can not change is the time factor.

I am sure that will be hard on you... the time factor. It is rough on my W.

Try not to use lots of words and just use actions. The celebration and what you do for it could be the actions. Maybe that is an option?

I hope you find your answers for this.

HL, I just wrestled with this yesterday. My sitch is different because we're really not in recovery as contact continues. But I decided I didn't want them to take my 20th anniversary away from me. It just wasn't W's anniversary but mine as well. On Tuesday I was on this board saying I wouldn't even buy her a card. By Wednesday I had ordered a limo, opened a bottle of wine from the year we were married and the winery we went to on our honeymoon and bought her a beautiful 3 diamond "past/present/future" pendant and went out to dinner.

This morning she asked why I went to such trouble and I explained it this way. This was our 20th and I wanted to be able to look back and remember what we did to celebrate it rather than be reminded of the reasons we didn't celebrate. Look to the future and give her the rose if that is your tradition. Do what you want to do as if things were as you wished they were. And hope your W catches up. I believe she may give you the unworthy speach but down the road she'll applaud your efforts to be the "lighthouse" through this storm.

My wedding anniversary was yesterday (3 weeks after d-day). I was unsure whether to acknowledge it. But I did think about it, I do love him, I wanted to give him a token of affection. When he came home from work, he was obviously not oozing with warm fuzzies for me. I asked if he would loke his gift or should I hold on to it for him. he said hold on to it.

Later in the evening, we had been having a warm heart felt talk. I felt safe asking him again, I said I just wanted him to know I was concerned about his quality of life and wanted him to have this gift to enjoy. He said he felt bad that he had not bought anything for me, I tried to reassure him that it was not an issue (he has been talking divorce for a couple of days, him buying me a gift would have shocked me)

I also wrote about my husband, the man that I was missing. I gave it to him with no preconceived notions of whether he would read it or respond to it.

He seemed to enjoy the DVD and CD set I had bought and mentioned that he would like to watch it with me. I went into expecting nothing in return, I am trying not to give things that are going to cause resentment if the givee does not respond as I had hoped.

I am no expert on any of this stuff, I just wanted to share my recent experience with you.

Good Luck

Hi again HL (long time no see!), I'm dealing with a very similar situation as our 16th anniversary is in one week and I'm, well, having a hard time getting up the energy emotionally to put into celebrating this year.

I may not be able to drum up the emotion for my marriage, but I do have a great idea for you--try something small this year, but do NOT stop a tradition. Take her out to dinner, something--just don't skip this year. Don't ASK her what she wants to do if she's engaging in pity parties. I'd say maybe instead of red roses, buy her pink ones and tell her that while the feelings faded momentarily, you know that in the years to come the color will come back to your relationship to be stronger, brighter, and deeper than ever. Give her a list of reasons why you're glad you met her. And be sure not to let her dwell on HER worth--your celebration is about your relationship, not her feelings of self-worth or even her guilt.

Now if I could only do so well coming up with ideas for my own celebration I'd be doing great!

HRL,

I think I can understand how you feel, having always been the one in my marriage to do something to mak anniversary and special occasions a real celebratrion. you start to question that. Did I do too little? Did it seem too automatic, too predictable, too obligatory?

I think I would suggest something different than red roses and dinner. Perhaps a new tradition of creative surprises is in order?

How does a picnic with a basket full of goodies and a bottle of Champagne in a beautiful setting sound? Bring a cassette or CD player with romantic music along!

i wish you both a truly new start for the next 25 years!

OK..I'm in a different situation and have handled this issue differently..

I have reconciled with my XW. During the time we were divorced I refused to let any of that stuff become an issue for me. We were divorced almost a year when what would have been our 17th anniv came up. She had our boys...I had a date...the date had more to do with me not having my boys...honestly. She never saw it that way...

The next year she just out right asked me and I told her that I do not think we should acknowledge it. We killed our marriage...why acknowledge it? It represents a failure to me. She agreed.

We would have celebrated our "new" anniv. on my B-day. That's when she decided to tell me how she felt about me. Problem was that this year we spent my B-day at a sporting event for my boys. From the grandstands (behind) I could see the airport that she met her PA partner...and accross from it you could see the massive Holiday Inn sign where they stayed....it was not a good day...heck...it was not a good week....because it was almost 100 miles from our home....

so...we're not really addressing the old....it has to be all new....

Does that make sense??

HLR
My wedding anniversary is 26th September , 2 months after d-day last year.

I took Squid to her favourite Thai restaurant for lunch. It was pleasant and a lot of R discussion was had. Theres wan't much celebration of anything much but a cessation of hostilities.

Its our anniversary next week. I hope for a better one this year ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow, a lot of anniversaries next week. Or maybe just something really bad about things that begin in September??

First off I want to thank all of you! I love all of the input.
It’s very good to hear from many of my friends here at MB!

CamoKnightsWife


I like the idea of Pink Roses…I always have given my wife one white roses for every year we have been married on our wedding anniversary with one Red for the next year. For the Anniversary of when we meet I gave her a dozen red roses, which I think I’ll change to pink with a red and tell her that in time all the roses are going to be a vibrant red, like our love.

Thanks CamoKnightsWife

I also found out that the weekend before our anniversary we are going to a play with another couple and than out to dinner. I’m thinking of indirectly making that our anniversary dinner. Here is what I’m thinking…I ordered a bottle of French Bordeaux from 1979 the year we met, I’m going to ask the restaurant to server this bottle with dinner “many well do this but charge you a corking fee” When the bottle arrives I’ll ask the other couple to join us in a glass of wine from the year I met my wife.

Thanks all and please respond if you have any feedback or other comments.