They just got home. they went to a playcenter and then out to eat. I hope we can talk some tonight.
bbqdad

Good. I was worried. How old are your daughters?

Kim

3 and 6, she isn't going to talk to me until I talk to a pastor. I just sent him an email and am hoping to meet up with him tomorrow.
bbqdad

Will she come here and let us talk to her? What does she want you to talk to a pastor about exactly?

not sure, I emailed her today, and she told me she got the emails. It has info about this site on it. She is reading a book right now (she won't let me see what it is) about love or something, but I don't know much more than that.
bbqdad

Your wife shows great promise at handling this perfectly! YOU are a lucky man.

Maybe you could take over with the kids, tell her you have the website up that you mentioned in your e-mails. Then let her have her privacy & see if she will start looking around here. Get the kids ready for bed, read them a story, etc.

Kim

I would let her know tonight that you will talk to the pastor, quit your job, and do whatever else it takes to save your family.

bbqdad -

You would not believe how closely your story matches mine. I can really relate to the place you're in right now. Last February when I came to this forum, I had just gotten out of the mental hospital after being suicidal and I was living with my sister. My A with my coworker had reignited as they are so able to do, and now she was pregnant. After a year of misery, my DW was finished with my lies and half-measures and selfishness, and she filed for divorce. I was at the end of my rope.

That was seven months ago. Today I'm home, my DW NotTooLost is next to me posting on MB, the divorce was withdrawn, XOW had her baby -- but since February I have had ZERO contact with her. We've done some awesome counseling through MB and are working on building the kind of marriage we both always wanted.

There are many, many stories like ours on this site. There is tremendous hope for your M to be saved, but there is no time to waste. What I found was that the path to fixing my M and fixing myself overlapped -- if you are willing to follow on faith the steps laid out for recovery, you will be a happier, better person in the near future, even if your M can't be saved.

This weekend is critical for you if you want to save your M. The things you do in the next few days and weeks will determine the outcome of not just your life, but your daughters' lives. As a FWH who knows where you're at right now, I'm going to drop some hard advice on you.

1. Acknowledge that you are not thinking correctly or clearly. You think you are, but you aren't. Brain chemistry is measurably altered throughout an A -- we are wired to respond strongly to our ENs being met. Do not trust your feelings and thoughts about the A and OW. Believe me, you will look at all this very differently later.

Do you have a best friend or family member you trust to lean on with some of this? Because you are still in the fog, you need someone who knows you well that can give your thoughts and feelings a reality check for you. If you don't have that, heck even if you do, you'll find this forum will give you straight advice about where your head is. Come back here at least once a day, read and post, and reflect on it. There's a lot of information here to absorb, and you are going to have a lot of lightbulb moments in the next few weeks.

2. It is absolutely necessary that you go immediately to total NC with OW. If you have a cell phone, have them change the number as soon as possible. If she has your personal email or IM accounts, close them now. Tonight. Do not call her or drive by her house or go anywhere she might reasonably be.

Worst of all, you have to quit your job (if she does not quit). Yes, you really have to. In case you think you don't have to quit, let me say it again: you are putting your marriage and children's future at risk if you do not. Do not underestimate how powerful the pull of the A can be, the way I did. No one could have been more resolved to make it work on the job than me -- I despised OW. That lasted two months.

You will experience withdrawal in some form. Read about it here and vent all you need to. But never, ever contact OW again, until you and your W decide to send a NC letter together.

3. Live above reproach. No secrets. You should be glued to your W's hip as much as she'll let you. Leave no time unaccounted for, where she may wonder where you are and if you're seeing OW. No matter how the discussions may go, do not leave the house. Go sit in the basement or the garage if you have to cool off but don't leave. If she's not throwing you out, be grateful and stay there.

Resolve yourself to this: If she divorces you, as she has every right to do, make it be because of what happened in the past, not because of what you do now and going forward. Be humble but don't beat yourself up -- there is no time to waste on a pity party. Put your W's feelings first and live above reproach, every minute of the day. After the horrible guilt and anguish of the life you've lived for the last eight months, living with no regrets will be liberating.

4. Do not contact OW, OW's H, OW's friends, or anyone else that knows her. Whatever happens in her M now is between her, her H, and God. You have more than enough on your plate trying to save your own family than to ever have anything to do with OW and her H again. Go on Monster.com this weekend, buy the Sunday paper, and get resumes in the mail Monday.

Now I have a few questions...

1. Have you ever had any addictions? Have you and your wife ever struggled through anything before this, like alcoholism or gambling or porn?

2. Are you a Christian or otherwise a man of faith? (EDIT: while I was writing this, I see you're reaching out to your pastor. That is very good news!)

We are praying for you and your W. Encourage her to come here and post.

bbqdad, I said I'd check back in and here I am. I see you have been in very good hands today. I don't know if you know it but most of the people posting to you are very old hands (sorry Pep and Mel you know I don't mean old, old) around here and the most important thing is they don't waste their time.

Good luck with the rest of the weekend. I'm like the others, I have faith in you and your ability to make this right.

Jen

As a recent BS, I would like to chime in. I really can forgive my WH for the A (well, the part I know about anyway). But his behavior since D-day is really screwing with my head. Here are some of the things I wished had happened (and some of them may not be normal, or healthy, but I thought I'd throw them in there because they are my reality)

I wish:

1. That WH had verbalized or shown me that he was relived/grateful/appreciated that I did not throw him out on D-day. This whole after d-day reassurance stuff is a pesky little nusiance to him.

2. That he would never act insulted that I check his phone and what-not. I want to trust him someday, but I do not at all today.

3. That he never said to me again "I am trying hard to fight my feelings for OW". I appreciate that he says he is not acting on them. I resent that these feelings exist-he had no right to fall in love with anyone. Go be lovesick somewhere else.

4. That when I get angry or hurt, he could reach out to me instead of looking at me like I have lost my mind.

5. That two days after D-day, he did not start pointing out all my charcter flaws that created an atmosphere where an A was likely. Yes, I need to hear those things, but can I catch my breath first?

6. That he had really stepped up with helping me parent. When I am melting down, I could have used a hand bathing, brushing, feeding the kids.

7. That he could understand that I think about this pretty much 24/7. I know he works hard, but I need him to kinda mull around this "state of the marriage" thing during the day.

8. That he could understand that even though he enjoyed his A, everything about his A causes me terrible pain. He once said "It is like I am saying I had a nice time at the amusement park and you just keep bitching about the cold french fries". Yes, he said that. He wants to keep his little happy memories and doesn't appreciate me saying anything negative about the moral character of the love of his life.

I am sure I can make a very long list of things my WH has done since d-day that make me feel pretty hopeless. I can forgive the affair (if it is over) but his conduct since d-day may have done irreversable damage.

I am glad your here, I hope your wife will join us.

thanks for your support everyone. I cannot thank you enough.

Dear Jean36,
I find the most painful thing about my w/h ea is the fact that he loves someone else.
I have pretty much gotten over the other aspects of it, to a degree that is, but I find myself at times thinking about the fact that he loves someone else. I have finally learned to detach somewhat from the situation.
When I talked to the administrator I didn't tear up or cry one time. Maybe if I had cried like the o/w aka activities director, the administrator would have been a little more sympathetic. I am proud that I didn't cry though. It allowed me to remain focused and say what had to be said during exposure.

I'm quite frustrated now. She will not come to the website becuase she doesn't want to get advice on the internet. She doesn't want to go see professional MC's becuase her pastor is the only one who can consult her. I hope to see him today, but it gives me little hope.
bbqdad

We call this period of time

the infidelity rollercoaster

now you know why

YOU are committed and willing to stay on the rollercoaster through all the ups & downs & twists & turns & dips & suddens starts & sudden stops .... yes?

This is a process and it takes time and will test your strength and your endurance and your very soul !!!!!!!

Chin up man !!! There is work to be done.

You cannot wallow in the minute-to-minute moments of sinking dispair .... your family needs you !

((( hugs )))

and

((( prayers )))

Thank you Pep,
I think one of the hardest things about this whole ordeal is that I could have prevented it. I have told many people (who are married) about this website in hope that they will overcome the challenges of M. After reading about the Love units and why I had an affair, My vision was restored and I could clearly see that we were not meeting each others emotional needs. I never want that to happen again.
-bbqdad

bbq,

I've been reading your thread, but not posting because you're getting very good advice from so many people.

But I have to tell you that not having ENs met is not the REASON you had an affair.

The condensed version of why you had an affair is that you failed to protect your weakness which happens to be "having an affair". Unfortunately one finds out ones weakness only after taking the plunge.

Your job for now and the future will always be to learn how to protect yourself from future affairs. Or as Dr. Harley likes to say, "Affair-Proof" your marriage.

That's where meeting each other's ENs and avoiding Love Busters comes in. Building an affair-proof marriage.

At this point, your wife needs to be met where she is. I can see why she's not interested in any advice from you regarding where she should get help for her pain in dealing with this affair. If she says meet with her pastor, then that's exactly what you should do.

Want to know a "magic" recovery phrase? Only say this to her if you mean it...."I'll do whatever it takes".

Whatever it takes to...make her feel safe with you again.
Whatever it takes to...rebuild our marriage.
Whatever it takes to...regain her trust in you.
Whatever it takes to...make your marriage better than it was before.

There's more "whatever it takes to..." You can fill in your own blanks.

The fact that she hasn't physically left the house or thrown you out is a very good sign.

Something really great you could do is call the MB Coaching 800 number and make an appointment for yourself. One of the Harley's would coach you to recovering your marriage far more effectively than you will find out there in MC land!

Think about it!

ok, thanks CSue, I know she has been reading a book called Love must be tough. Does anyone know anything about it? I think she is almost finished, and I think she started acting differently once she started readding this book.
bbqdad

bbq,

I haven't read that book myself, however I have heard others talk positively about it here!

That's good news that she's reading. What you can't say to her at this point, but it's still true - is that she will need to educate herself so that she can see what HER part is that led to the condition of your marriage.

It was enormously eye-opening for me as a BS to find out what part I played in the poor state of our marriage prior to d-day.

I am happy to report that not only has my marriage recovered; it is farrrrrr better than it was prior to the affair! We learned the lessons of the affair and are better for it. We each had a personal recovery in addition to a marital one! Life is very good now!

Oh, oh. Love must be tough advises throwing the cheating spouse out, and letting them go with their "soulmate".