"I don't hold on to anger, at least I try not to. Even
though I get mad at <exW> for denying me my children,
I still admit that there is a part of me that will
always love her. Love IS eternal, it fades but never
goes away. That's why I have to divorce BS. She may
love me but I don't and can't love her. For all of the
wonderful qualities she has, for all of her
generosity, for her devotion, caring and
understanding... I can't make myself be in love with
her. I love her as a friend and as a person but I
can't love her as a partner... I've tried, I've wanted
to, I can't.

BS needs someone that can love her like she can
love them. Someone to share her joy and
accomplishments, someone to return all of the positive
things she does for them. With me she may be happy for
the short term but in the long term I will just bring
her misery and unhappiness. I'm probably resigning
myself to a life of lonliness and desolation but I
can't live false. She deserves so much better than I.

I'm no martyr, I'm terrified of where my actions might
be taking me. No-one wants to die alone and unloved.
That may be where my actions lead me, if so I suppose
I will have deserved it. I pray that it isn't. I pray
that I can be loved like I love. I trust that god's
plan for me will come to fruition as long as I live
honestly. It may be a fairytale but I can hope."