You are doing well by staying the course; you've laid down the groundwork, now you just wait to see if/when he turns toward wanting to work on the relationship. What did you think about my email before the latest...with the recovery suggestions? Do those sound like the types of things your marriage would need in place to recover?

As the gospel song says, "He may not come when you want him, but He's always right on time."

Wow, do I feel you there!!

Don't get discouraged.

I'm loving this last part of Isaiah 40 this week...
[color:"purple"] 25 "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. [/color]



Blessings to you,
MSA/NTL

NTL...little discouraged today. Things are different. He isn't happy (he never has been) but the anger is gone. it's like he wants to keep the A going, but he isn't sure how. I feel like he is sitting up there at his moms thinking...i can't keep doing this...but i am not ready to stop. I don't think he wants to come home to me...but i think he knows he can't keep living like he is. the past 2 days i have been very loving. I told him last night i loved him very much...even though he has hurt me and continued to hurt me and our son...i told him i didn't want to love him, but that God obviously wanted me to. he didn't say anything. We have been talking the last 2 days...as if nothing was wrong..so to speak. I know before when i was being firm...he was scared of losing me. i knew that. i could tell. but the last couple of days that i have been loving...i don't know...it's not as if i feel he wants it to be over...its that i feel he just doesn't know and he is not showing any signs really that he wants me at all (only when he thinks he is losing me) i guess that is my mistake. this morning i took our son up to him and told him that even though i told him i loved him last night it did not mean i accept what he is doing...he just said okay. thats it. but things are definitely better, because, they are not worse. I believe because he keeps making reference to his mental state that all along...his plan was to "have fun in the A" and then get on ADs and come home. He knows he needs to be on his med..but he also knows when/if he does...the A has to stop because...he will want it to (he did before when this happened) and i guess he just isn't ready for the A to end. A's do end eventually don't they? I mean...this will get old right? She will never be me and this man has utterly adored me for 11 years (minus now and the 1st episode which lasted 4 months total) even...if i grow tired and move on...will he regret this? ever? and why has he started acting so nice...but still continuing the A. my friend thinks he may be growing tired of it but isn't sure how to stop it just yet for fear of hurting the OW because he isn't sure he wants it to be completely over...any suggestions? oh and yes...i loved your suggestions on how to recover will for sure use those...

Hi Jaysmom,
I think he's being nice because he's relieved. He was pretty darn scared when you said it was over and you seemed okay with that. NOW, you are telling him you love him, you want it to work out... that puts him squarely back in the driver's seat. For fence-sitting. No one can make you get to the point where you are fed up with this. That is a point you will reach in your own time. However, I cannot help but feel that this cake-eating, fence-sitting will continue until that point comes. But a man can tell when a woman really means what she says, and if you don't really accept that this might be finished, you won't be able to stick to it, and he won't crumble. Sounds manipulative I know, but really it isn't because it is for his good and the good of your M and DS.
That reverse psychology thing we talked about. But YOU have to be ready for it, and to follow thru.
You just continue to pray about this, and do as the Spirit leads you to do. God is there for you, all the time, He loves you, He loves your husband, and He loves your son and your marriage, and your family. He WILL work this situation out for His purposes. As much as you want to the M to work out, and as much as you love your H; cling to God, not to your marriage right now. Strengthen that relationship with God and the rest will work itself out.
It sounds like you have a good friend. She is right on the money, we call it fence-sitting 'round these parts, and it will continue until someone else (i.e. YOU) makes the choice for him. He's too confused to know what to do. Please don't mistake my advice for me wanting you to be FINISHED with your marriage and give up. That is NOT AT ALL what I am saying; I just see him waiting for you to decide before things become clear to him about how much he DOES want to save your marriage.


MSA/NTL

NTL,
I wish i could explain how different things seem. I can't even put them in my head right much less try to explain to anyone else. He is very different. Even his mom noticed and told me last night. She said he was almost like his old self talking to you. I was distant towards him yesterday when i picked up our son, but it was as if he wanted...i don't know i can't explain. He isn't his old self...but we see glimpses. He is still going out and seeing her i know...but, i feel as if God and Satan are in a tug of war over him...Satan telling him...you don't need medicine, you need to be with OW, God saying...Go home to your loving wife, child, get help...listen to me..and my H is going back and forth. I know with out a doubt in my mind, without a doubt, if we still had the money we had...he would not be involved w/OW.
But depression or not...he is involved with her. His depression doesn't justify his affair...although i know it wouldn't be going on if he wasn't so depressed. He is bipolar, so everything he does in that depressive state is extreme and total opposite of himself. the other night when i broke down in front of him...i could tell at that moment that is when he changed...he was able to see me, my hurt, the pain HE caused, i believe he never realized the extent until then. Since he has been different. Kind, at times almost loving, and unsure. i feel i have somewhat the upper hand. But i am at a loss. i don't know if i should be firm, but i can't let him use me over and over. It has to come to an end...and i believe its on its way there. I have a strong feeling he is with her today, but i believe God is really convicting him and making him miserable. I appreciate your advice, you are so kind! Please send any advice my way...i can use it. I am listening to God and my gut and right now i am not sure what God is telling me...so please pray! Again...if he doesn't end the affair..and we go seperate ways...will he regret it one day?

IF you go separate ways, he will regret it every day in his heart for the rest of his life. Even if he moves on, and you are both okay, he will regret it.

Please read the thread by hsmomx3 on the Just Found Out... board. Good example of a WH on the fence, things seeming so promising, and then a little contact with OW and things do a 180... not to be pessimistic (I am the eternal optimist) but to prepare you for how things may start to feel if he has more contact with OW again... he is so on the fence, and his emotions are going to be all over the place.

How old is your son?

NTL/MSA

MSA,

I just want you to know i am starting to freak out a little bit. The way he has changed in the last week is flooring me. I realize that he is confused, and i am sure still w/OW, but not as much. He is being so nice to me...almost like he is wishing he were home nice. You are right...fence sitting. Maybe he has just now really got to that point. You know...really thinking about..hey i DO love my wife, but i don't know if i want to go home, but i sure do miss her, but i don't know....I think he has just now started seeing me like he always has...his wife, his love, his hearts desire, but also...he is starting to realize, oh my gosh...what have i done? How do i stop this...do i want to... I really believe that is where he is mentally, and i believe God is winning the tug of war battle and he is bringing him day by day back to reality. I feel like i may need to use your examples soon, of what he must comply with to come home...because...i will not let him come home on his terms...must be mine, and if he doesn't agree to it...then well...my son and i are doing fine alone and we will survive, without him. My baby boy is 3. prays for his daddy to come home every day...and also that God will fix his heart and head ( i get a kick out of the head ) and i know that those prayers from my precious 3 year old are getting top priority. God is good..all the time. I feel good and i feel like my marriage will survive, but it will be a long recovery. I am going to be firm, but loving. pray i won't give in too soon! any other advice..send my way...

I think you are doing just great. And yes, I do believe 3 year olds prayer's get top priority.

Just stay firm, don't give in to anything less than complete openness and POJA, and NC with OW. It is NECESSARY, and there is no point in doing half-measures. They won't work. If he is going to do it halfway, then he might as well stay away. And you know that's not what I want to see.

I hope he is turning a corner. Both my H's homecomings were very dramatic things when he felt I had had enough and was making the decision for him.

I hope he comes around soon.

MSA

MSA,
well let me just tell you about last night. He was in kind of a bad mood, but i knew God was really dealing with him yesterday. He was wanting to see our son again (which is good...he is asking more and more) so i took him up to his mom's. My son didn't want to stay with him...and my H was very hurt by this.. HE IS FINALLY...seeing the result..i know without a doubt..God finally is getting through. He was different..he was very SAD! he said...its okay he doesn't want to see me...its my fault! I looked at him and said "well you are the only one that can fix it" he just looked at the ground...
You would have been so proud of me...the conversation went on and he was very sad, hurt acting. I told him AGAIN, i love you, i care for you. i told him "you know what you need to do...we've been here before and you KNOW what has to be done" "call your Dr. and get on your meds" then he said he didn't want to talk about it...but he didn't mean it because he just sat there starring into space, sad, and LISTENING to me. i said this is affecting our son, me, you, and you know what you need to do. for the 1st time i said it..."you have to end it, and end it now!" then i said you must make a choice me or her. he just rolled his eyes, but didn't comment.

I left and went home. I know i am getting to him now. He is still confused, but not as much. he knows he wants to do the right thing, and come home. i can tell in his actions, in his face. but he doesn't know how, he is still in denial about OW and he doesn't want to face what he must do to come home...not now anyway...but God is getting him there. after he brought our son home...i asked him why he was so reluctant to get on meds again...i said is it because you know when you do you will realize you really do love your wife...i said that isn't a bad thing you know. He didn't say anything again...then he kind of got ill and said he needed to leave and as he did i said well...if you don't want this marriage..do something about it because i will not continue to let you cheat on me over and over again. His response was well...if thats what you think i am doing okay. See still in denial, but i am getting through...God is showing me that. It has just taken a while, but he is changing.

This morning he called, talked like we were still happily married, talking about his work, etc. I told him i missed him and loved him...he just said okay. (but that is usually what he has said recently...if he responds at all, but at least he isn't saying so, or i don't care, or i don't love you, etc...no response is fine by me)

I hope i did okay...i knew you would be proud of me, especially telling him to end it and make the choice. i am sure things are going to go slow, but i would rather it be a slow process rather than the wrong process. God is working, my prayers are being answered..slowly, but thats okay...God knows what is best. he may even go backwards a bit...but he knows where i stand, and i know he is changing and can't live like he has been much longer. he looks terrible, he has lost about 15 more pounds (on top of the 60 to start) he isn't a big man, and never was. I hope and pray he will do the right thing soon. keep sending me suggestions and advice, i do appreciate so much! Keeping you and your family in my prayers! jaysmom

Jaysmom,
I am proud of you! This resolute firmness may be the thing that pulls him back, loving - not cold, but firm.

We went thru months on & off of "you are the only one that can fix this" - be patient. It is the truth, you are speaking the truth in love to him. That is what God wants you to do.

Just be aware that even though YOU are on the right track, he may force you to go further by refusing to make a decision.

You: You must make a choice, her or me.

Him: Uh-huh

You a month later: You must make a choice, her or me.

Him: I know

You 2 months later: You must make a choice, her or me.

Him: Yup, I'm working on that.

You 3 months later: You must make a choice, her or me. I'm getting tired of this.

Him: I know. You're wonderful, you're patient. I'm working on it.

You x months later: I'm through.

Him: What? I needed some time to decide. So, you don't love me? You don't want to be married to me anymore?

You: Well, I can't take this anymore. You can't decide so I guess I have to.

Him: So you want a divorce.

You: I guess under there circumstances, yes I do.

Him a week later: I love you, I broke it off with her, I'll do anything...

If only this process can happen in Plan A... I hope it can for you. It never did for me. But where you are at with him is a start. Plan A as long as you can. Once you lay down the divorce gauntlet, he may pick it up, know what I mean? Plan B/D DOES end in Divorce sometimes... unfortunately. Plan A as long as you can, you are doing great.

How are you otherwise holding up?

MSA

MSA,
well i am holding up. thats about it. No really i am doing extremely well under the circumstances. i feel really well. God has shown me that jacob and I will survive with my H or without. It is HIS will for my H to be home with us. HIS will for him to love and be a family with us. If H chooses not to listen to God, then God will provide and take care of us, and H will be miserable the rest of his life without us.
Yesterday H called from work very early, he didn't see us come home friday night and wanted to know "what time we came home" I swear if i wasn't in our home and living somewhere out from under his nose this would probably be over more quickly. I really believe he has never wanted our M to end. I think when he first left, he left angry with me and didn't feel like he loved me. Now that time has passed he is starting to realize...hey i love this woman, i love my family, BUT...she will always be there and when i am done...i'll go home. I think he is just now where we talked about a week or so ago...when you said don't give in, he will go back to OW. Yesterday...he was so into me...he didn't admit it, but he didn't have to...
for the 1st time since he has been gone, he was really showing me he missed me. He came down to the house to "fix" the toliet (he didn't have to). i was at home alone, our son was with his mom, and he knew i was alone. He hung around for a while afterwards and we just chatted a bit, me saying more than he did...because i could feel the tension...not bad tension if you know what i mean. It was fairly obvious he didn't want to leave...and he stalled around at leaving, but never asked for anything...guess he knew better...it being the first time he felt that way towards me again. And i am afraid i would have given in, i know i would have, and today would be crushed...God is definitely working.
Our conversations are more at ease, we talk alot. We don't talk about us. I do. I told him again today, get meds, come home...blah..blah. and on the subject of him coming home...he never ever responds. but i believe that is because he is really struggling over it. I do feel as though i have the upper hand. i have said it. choose me or her. he of course still denies a her. this part confuses the HECK out of me. I guess if he admits to OW then he feels like he has picked her and our M will be over...if he continues denying...he still has me in the running, which is what he has always wanted.
So i will probably be saying choose...for a while huh? i guess i never thought about that...i don't know how many months i can keep saying it, before i decide i am through. but i am okay right now...God wants me to hang in there for a bit longer...God is being so merciful to him...and me too. i plan on being loving...but stating the truth...as well...please pray i will not cave into temptation too soon...i don't want to hurt myself that way...and besides he doesn't deserve me until he is sorry for everything. Eventually doesn't the cake make you sick if you eat too much? HA! take care...talk back at you soon...(as we here in the south would say)

I think eating too much cake WOULD make you sick after a while! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't sleep with him. That hurts later, trust me. You are right, he doesn't deserve you until he is sorry for everything and has DONE THE THINGS ON THE LIST that we talked about for recovery. Come clean. Break it off with OW. Get into counseling. Do MB questionnaires and talk about them. Be an open book. Claim what you have done and FIX IT.

As I said above, saying you love him is a big part of it, but usually what turns them around is when you are through. Sad, but true.

Keep praying, I'm praying for you.

MSA

MSA,
well...yesterday was something else. He called me early yesterday am, wanting to see our son. told me he would call me when he was home ( i went to visit family after church) long story short...he was in a bad mood..never called and when i got to his mothers house, he called. i talked to him and he was ill..BUT told me he knew he needed help, said he was messed up and he would get help he promised. Promised on his son's life. then he never came home. stayed out w/OW i'm sure. at 5 am this morning (he goes into work at around 4 am) he called. called because he knew, he had really messed up.
I told him he didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve my love...he agreed, stated you are right i don't. But he promised me again...that he would get help. he lied and said he came home...but he didn't. i don't know what to believe anymore. But i honestly think if he didn't want to be married to me, if he was ready to move on...he would. he would not have called me that early in a panic. i told him again i love you...and i wish i didn't. i told him the only reason i was still there was God keeping me there. but i told him...if you don't get help, don't go to counseling then i am done. i can't live this way any longer. he again PROMISED he would get help. we will see. i am okay with that. i believe if he didn't want our marriage he wouldn't keep promising me. but you are right...he must believe i am done before he will ever come clean. I think his intensions are to come home, after getting meds and never have to admit to anything. wrong. he has to know i am the love of his life and he can't live without me and he is so VERY sorry, admitting everything. we will see...PRAY HARD! God is moving. i know he is. Pray my H will listen to him. he did say also he needed to get into church, that shows me he is really being convicted. any advice on how i should handle things? jaysmom

Stay the course, hold your ground.

He needs to understand you can love someone, forgive someone, and still not want to be married to someone. This isn't a free pass card he is receiving here. It is not a "given" that you will want to stay with him (if he doesn't do the 'right' things) just because you love him.

It sounds like you are pointing that out to him when you say if he doesn't get the help he needs, then you are through. That is the "LOVE MUST BE TOUGH" message he MUST hear from you right now. Re-read your Dobson just for reminders on how to handle this and to stay strong.

"Boundaries" might also be a good book for you to read (Townsend)

MSA

MSA,
Last pm he was kind of ill, but i never mind him being that way...i know he is dealing with things when he is. I wondered if it were due to it being Halloween and holidays have always been such a big deal for him, we have always been such a tight family, doing everything together. He promised again as we were leaving he would call, he knows he needs help, even told his mother...which makes me feel better because he isn't just telling me that to pacify me.

One thing i have to ask you though...and hopefully you can give me some advice...why does he continue to lie. I mean why does he deny any wrong doing. any OW. Lie about being home etc. Is that mental or just all part of the obsession of the A, the addiction? Why doesn't he just tell me? this part i think has been the toughest to swallow, but then at times i feel i should be happy he does lie, does deny, because i think maybe he does that BECAUSE he loves me and thinks by not telling the truth he isn't hurting me? i don't know...any advice???

He promised by tomorrow he would call his Dr. to get back on his meds. We will see...thank you for all your prayers...please continue.

I hope he does call the doctor soon.

Why does he keep lying? I'll check with Mr.Stowaway, because he lied for a month or two after D-Day when he said he wanted a separation because I was so awful for him, and he didn't love me etc.

BUT I THINK they lie because:
1. They don't want to deal with the reality of what YOU might do if you really know about the A for sure. You might draw firm boundaries, you might leave him, who knows what you will do?

2. They don't want to hurt anyone. Although it is way too late for that, they don't recognize that. They still think there is an easy way out, and they are busily looking for it.

3. They can't accept the reality of the pain they have caused everyone, that they have really f*d up this badly.

4. Their own delusions, justifications, rationalizations which can go from "It wasn't cheating since our M was over anyway" (this is common!) to "I haven't actually had sex with OW, so it isn't really an affair" (never mind the damage of EA's and PA's w/o intercourse) to "I'm going to get myself out of this yet - break it off with OW, then I won't want my W to know what really happened."

5. If my W knows the whole story, my M will be trashed, we will never be able to recover from something this big.

6. I have major feelings for OW and my W, and I can't decide what to do, I need to buy some time to work things out in my head.

7. Everyone will find out, everyone will judge me.

These are just my top 7 guesses... really, what does HE get out of telling you the truth? Your trust?? Hah.

Nothing is in it for him to be honest with you - the lies pay off a lot more. If he fesses up then he's going to have to DEAL with the consequences of his behavior. I think you need to flat-out cold bust him. Voice recorder, Private investigator, you name it. Or just bluff and tell him you know all about it but you are not going to reveal your sources. If you seem sure enough, he'll fall for it.

The pain of suspecting, and the pain of KNOWING are two different things, too, I'll warn you. You NEED to know the TRUTH, but it hurts like he[l.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers -
MSA

Msa,
i never really thought about it like that. you are exactly right! why SHOULD he tell me. Today i just feel icky. I have been at work just starring at my computer, thinking how much he is getting on my nerves.
thinking about how stupid he is to run around on me and our son. thinking how great a husband and father he WAS and how he is just a POS right now. thinking how he has lied to her about me, making me out to be something horrid, when HE KNOWS i am not. thinking...what is HE thinking? It is just so OVER MY HEAD. i just can't understand HOW he can feel so strongly for someone he hardly knows and what he does know about her is mainly lies. Why for whatever reason God hasn't revealed this A to the world. How he can keep going on enjoying himself and not have to pay for it?! All the while jake and i are missing him terribly. But not this man he has become. The good old H is use to be that thought i was just the most beautiful, wonderful woman ever. How do you lose that? just 2 months before he left...(he is such a goofy/joker...) he would tell my son.."tell your mom...she's a 'good lookin' moma'" he would say it over and over to me. that was my H. VERY loving.

i guess i am just a little sad/down today. Yesterday he was very ill. He just has very little patience w/our son. He really had been doing much better, but yesterday our son was a real pill, and he just couldn't handle him. he kept him for 2 hours and that was it. hasn't kept him since last tuesday. Promised to call the Dr. but we will see. He needs to do something...2 months gone and nothing...
well i shouldn't be soooo negative...he is much better. i praise God for answering prayer and getting him to this point...
I guess MSA... i am just getting to the COMPLETELY FED UP point with him. I don't know if i want him (i do, but for how much longer?) i am 32, and i don't deserve this crap. i deserve my life back, my sweet H. If he doesn't return soon...i deserve someone who will love me and jay the way we have loved him.

sorry to ramble on so...tomorrow hopefully will be better. must be the weather, i have been doing so well. and nothing has happened to make me be so ill, maybe thats just it...sittin' on the fence...starting to really hurt MY backside! Maybe i will just take the cake away, i know i am going to have to soon...maybe today...we'll see...

MB went down JUST as I was finishing a long post to you yesterday... ugh.

I have no idea what I was saying... I thought it posted in time but obviously not.

I think I was saying that getting completely fed up with him is a normal and natural reaction to his cheating. How could it not be? And I was also saying that you aren't rambling, and that I felt like such an emotional vampire to all those around me during the A, I just needed so much support and the A was all I could think about. But now I realize that they WANTED to help! So don't ever apologize for accepting support from anyone.

You don't deserve this. Once your WH realizes you may move on without him and be better off, he will come to his senses probably. BUT, where will you be then is the question.

You know what I know? God can soften the hardest, toughest heart. I know because my heart completely shut down when I filed for divorce. I have never felt a wall go up around myself that was so out of my own control before in my life. You can't even change the feelings if you want to. But God can. Thank God we have an Awesome God, and He is bigger than all of this Jaysmom.

MSA

MSA,

i feel better today. H is SOOOOO very ill. Yesterday he was just a pill. he has been x 3 days. also in those 3 days...he hasn't gone anywhere in the evening. i am wondering if its dying down...and he could possibly be in the withdrawl? He didn't call the Dr. yesterday...but said he would today...WE WILL SEE.
BUT.... i pretty much...took his cake yesterday. I told him, "i am fed up" "i am NOT going to do this much longer" i said "i love you today..still" but i can't promise tomorrow i will.

My H grew up with an alcoholic father...he had a pretty sad growing up...his mom stayed in the home, and this is alot of my H mental issues. the good that came out of it, he HATES alcohol and never allows our son to be around it (he feels very strongly about this, one of his qualities i admire so much) anyway...we had or i should say...i had an intense conversation with him last night, HE REALLY LISTENED.

I told him he knew what the right thing to do was, i stated that 2 months prior to him leaving he loved me and our son more than life, I said..you may not feel like you do, but down deep YOU KNOW you still love me that way. (silence the whole time) I said, you know what God wants you to do...You know you need to come home...YOU MUST END IT. I then said..."i love you and still want to be your wife" " i am here for you.. and you can't do this alone" I said "as hard as it is for me i will help you get through this if you will just let go and lean on me and accept my love and help" then i said what i think may be the push...
I said "THIS IS YOUR ALCOHOL" " you know it must stop"

Just silence. i proceeded to end it by but... i will not wait on you forever.. he was ill by that point, and responded by "fine don't" "i never asked you to anyway" but i think the things i said really hit him hard, i don't think he ever really compared himself to his father...even though it isn't alcohol, its an addiction...just the same.

as soon as he said that he changed the subject and was immediately being nice. He has been sort of distant to me the past couple of days...but He is really struggling with knowing it must come to an end...that is why i wonder is this possibly withdrawl?

anyway... i feel really good about what i said, and how i have acted. I believe i have followed what God has wanted me to do, and now i feel God is leading me to distance myself from him. I have said all i feel he needed me to say, now H needs to want and miss me. So i am going to limit my contact with him until he is ready...Ready to make things right, to work on us, our family and his faith.

I pray for you and your family...God will bless you for your kindness and your advice. i guess my boss would really like for me to get to work so i will speak with you later--jaysmom

My H, same story except he ended up with his own alcohol problem years ago. We thought addictions were behind us before the A.

Pointing out the similarities will do some good, but don't expect it to be a total wake-up call. He is still very confused. I think you are doing a great Plan A.

What are YOUR issues in the M? The LoveBusters that you used on him? I know I sure had mine, we all do. Examining those might be your next step. Disrespectful judgements? Independent behavior? Angry outbursts? (Anger doesn't need to be shouting either, it can be irritation, resentment, a general pi*sy attitude, hostility) - just some things to think about.
You are in my prayers!
MSA

definitly the attitude, hostility. i haven't yelled or screamed or been very angry at all with him...even when i first found out. Not to say that i have been perfect...i have not. i have alot i should work on. but i think the attitude is the worst...

Speaking of how do i go about that...that is what he mentions most..."why are you so ill?" i hear that nearly every other day...so that is a problem...I don't mean to seem ill, i am trying to be firm, but i come across...P**sy.

i am still doing well..still okay hanging in w/Plan A. I can tell a great deal of a difference in H. He doesn't want our M over. I really believe you are right on the money...so confused. but the confusion i think is mainly that he knows it is wrong and he knows he should come home, he knows he loves me, but he doesn't know why he feels like he does. i think he feels he is confused about why he feels like that and why he doesn't have the desire or will power to. But i know he is trying...God is really working on him.

How do i go about not seeming p**sy, yet not seeming happy with the situation. i am afraid he will just keep sittin' on the fence if he thinks i am fine. it does seem to bother him if he thinks i am ill. this has been a problem our entire m. he always is the first to apologize, he can't stand to think i am mad at him...something i plan on changing in myself. i took advantage of that...many times he apologized when i should have. but all can change for the better....and will....God is good...all the time!