MSA,

the words you just sent mean more than i can even begin to tell you. I lose sight of things and get so caught up in ME, ME, ME, that i don't stop to really hear God.

God gave you that to give me. Yes my H was so broken and down 5 years ago, that now when i see him deny and lie about her...it's almost a comfort...crazy as that sounds. He doesn't deny anymore the way he did in the very beginning. He is ashamed of himself.

As far as i know...he went to the Dr. today. His appt. was this morning, but i haven't talked to him. I don't normally during the day, but i will later. I am visiting my dad now and won't speak to him until later tonight.

I was reading back over what you wrote a couple days ago...i wasn't able to read them well, but skim over them the other day.

its funny, because you said the OW was pretty much after your H all along. Same here. The OW has been after him for a while. He too was depressed to begin with, as i have said before. My H was extremely depressed! Not being on ADs he runs from it and doesn't want to face it, so she came along to make the escape for him...all things i have rambled on about before.

I hope he will break down soon. My BF thinks this is the beginning of his come around. I of course get worried. My BF also said to tell you she thinks your PROFOUND! she was blown away with what you wrote me yesterday. she said she is so right...she had lost sight of that as well.

Is there anyway i can get him to be broken sooner? I know there isn't he must get there on his own. Maybe once the ADs kick in and he is able to sort out and see reality, that will be enough to wake him up and scare him.

Please continue your Profound thoughts! HA!

You are such a blessing! i'll let you know how the Dr. visit went tomorrow!
jaysmom

Hi Jaysmom,
I think it's funny that you consider it profound, because I'm not kidding (and I know you know I'm not) when I say that those words did NOT come from me. I was just typing away, and I felt led for 2 days to tell you that I had read that in your old post about him saying he was afraid you would leave him if he told you the truth. I'm glad it was useful, but again, from God's hand to your heart.

I think he's coming around soon as well, you need to be ready with your letter/requirements...I know you are.

I hope the dr. visit went well. I think you are so fortunate to have a best friend like you do, too, and it doesn't hurt that her H is your H's best friend. You guys will get thru this, I believe that. Keep praying, keep me posted.

MSA

we have medication!!!! thank the Lord!!!

well...the Dr. visit went very well. H was very open to me about it. Said he told her he was a "fruitloop" he did tell her some things, he didn't detail alot, but i didn't expect him to. he was put on Effexor. H hasn't taken that. she told him to be patient, and work through the first 2-4 weeks of getting it into his system, and he said she also told him he would most likely need the full strength. (made me think she thought it was pretty severe)

anyway....i am going to ease back and say not alot at all for the next month or so. My BF told me today, he is trying and in his state that is huge. i get discouraged and feel so unloved by him, but she said, hey think about it like this...he says he is doing it for jay, but that means if he didn't know best for jay was both his parents together...then he wouldn't have gone to the Dr. alot of truth in that i think.

I am holding on to what you said, my Profound friend! but also God is granting me alot of patience right now for the next bit. Recovery will be slow going i'm sure. I've got my "contract" ready and waiting...yes it is a contract, which he can accept or decline...

I pray he will be broken soon. i think this med. will help him get through some of the fog. Please keep us in prayer!!!

talk to you soon! jaysmom

Did I send this to you before? Came across it a little while ago on another forum here and really liked it - don't know the author...

MSA
[color:"brown"] WHEN I SAY I'M A CHRISTIAN

When I say, "I am a Christian,
"I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering, "I get lost"
That is why I chose this way.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and
Cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek HIS name.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority I only know
That I'm loved.[/color]

Happy Sunday to you!

I have become down the last couple of days. Really struggling yesterday, i spent most of the day in prayer, it was the only peace i could find. I talked to BF for a while and she said it was Satan, really trying me. He certainly is doing a good job. She thinks it could be that he is losing the battle with H and now shifting to me. I really hope so.

H came down last night for a while. He just goes around the house just like he never left. Really gets on my nerves. i just mainly ignore what he is doing. He acts sometimes like he is wanting to come home, and others not. He still isn't saying anything about us, but i don't either. I only comment that we (me and jay) will be moving on. just in gerneral conversation...i don't make a spectacle of it or anything.

Friday night he called me and like i said...i have really been emotionally and mentally drained, friday was no exception. i was nice, answered his questions...listened to him ramble on and on and on (really) about his day, work, what Santa got jay...blah blah...and i just got sick of it. He never asks me how i am, how my day was, etc. i am just tired of it. so i told him...just out of the blue...

You know, i have to do the best thing for me and jake, and i am starting to think you are not the best thing for either of us. I told him...i am tired of being 2nd choice to you and that i had realized that day...i always would be, there would always be someone else saying things he wanted to hear when he was down, or we were having financial trouble, or any kind of trouble hit his life. He would always dog me as being the root of the problem so he could go and get a "fix" with someone else. I said...really dear...that just isn't fair, and i just need to be someone's first choice for a change. I also told him that so much time had passed with him just living it up...that i realized too, that the past 11 years were just a sham. I told him that i realized that he had only lied to me and stayed with me until he thought someone better came along. And of course...he didn't respond.

i feel better when i am done, but realize too...he probably doesn't hear a thing.

You know MSA... i should be thankful...look what God has done for me. He answered prayer. My H went to the Dr. he is on meds now...i should be happy. Why now do i feel so give out? why do i feel so angry? why do i feel like beating the crap out of him? ...don't get me wrong...i am thankful, but what has happened to me? i prayed for so long and hard and finally get a relief and it seems not good enough. Is this normal? or am i going crazy?

He always changes the subject if i drop a hint of OW, or reference to something about her. I still haven't given up my goods on her, but i love to dangle in his face. He gets ill. not angry, or mad...just oh...ashamed/ill, ignores what i say. i still haven't told OWH, i haven't felt God is leading me to yet, although i feel like i may have to.

oh i don't know...i am rambling on and on today...sorry.
He has only taken 3 pills...i guess i should be patient...it may be 3 months or more. I just don't know if i can make it 3 more hours truthfully. i await God's answer and directions. Please pray God will make things clear for me. Please continue to pray for us...i really appreciate your prayers and advice.

and on a happy ending note...my son asked me today on the way to church..."mommy does Jesus have a hair dryer in heaven" things kids say and come up with.....don't know where that one came from.... Jaysmom

I do wonder why Jay wonders about Jesus having a hair dryer... all that long hair maybe. You should ask him, I'd be curious to know why he wonders that.

You know, when I started to feel like you are, I filed for divorce. Worked wonders. Not that I am recommending that, but is certainly does make things clear for the WS when they're on the fence.

Sometimes all the talk, no action, just does go in one ear & out the other. Exposing to OWH is another way to bring things to a new level.

As Flukeboy says on GQII,
I have told you I agree, wish I had exposed to OWH as well very much in hindsight.

Keep praying about that.

MSA

MSA,

I am still praying about the exposure. Honestly do not feel that God is ready for me to do so, but i will continue to pray He will guide me.

Last pm H came down again. He has just started coming without calling or anything. Jake was watching old home movies of himself, and i thought that was a good thing. H sat there in silence watching, later Jay crawled up in his lap and sat with him for a long time. I think that it was good for H. He could see who he really is. He could see a time when he was really happy and life was good, he could see his family and how much he loved me and his son. It was good medicine last night.

Although, my feelings for him have changed so much in the last couple of days that i just have kept away from him. He can sense it. i can't even fold clothes in another room for 10 mins without him coming in there. I know that i love him, i just don't feel like i care anymore. I know that God can change how i feel in time, but maybe God wants me to feel this way now. Just as H is coming around, i am running away. H has yet to be honest, to be broken, to ask to come home...so why should i feel different.

He did comment that he hoped THIS medicine would work and he wouldn't have to keep trying different ones, last time it took 2-3 times to find the right one. He said he hoped it made him feel better. He is such a prideful man. I honestly think....he thinks....he can come home in a few, claiming the medicine worked, he is sorry, he was a "fruitloop", should not have ever stopped medicine in the first place...and now I am coming home. Without EVER discussing OW, or anything involved with her. That is what my heart is telling me.

Thing is...that isn't going to work. He must confess...so what do i do? Do i allow him to come home, I don't want to under those circumstances. He has to be honest. If i tell him he can't, then will that be enough to make him broken? oh God only knows.

Well...we will see, Christmas will be so terribly rough on him, the thoughts of it already are. I told him yesterday, this would be the last year he would get to see Jay open his Santa. he of course made no comment. At least he is on an AD now, hopefully that will help him get through...even though he better get on his knees too!

well must go...got to prepare Jake's things for his Christmas program...He is the letter Y! ( i am assuming from Merry...) Yesterday he told me Jesus had moved from his heart to his stomach, and that he needed Jay to eat some cookies for Him...only MY son***

Yes he is 3 and very, very good at it.
Jaysmom

I love that, the cookies for Jesus. That cracks me up. He's a bright one, I can see that!

I think you are in just the right place, and just where God wants you to be. I have SO been there. Last Jan/Feb to be exact.

You tell him that being honest you might consider reconciling/counseling/etc, but if he can't be honest, then you are done. Through. He needs to understand that the thing he is afraid of (being honest) is NOT what is going to drive you away from him, the DISHONESTY is the deal-breaker, not what he's done.

I also told my WH at that time, "It's not what you have done that I can't get over, it's what you are STILL DOING! Get off the FENCE!"

It didn't work immediately, but after I filed for D, I realized at some point that my 3 "conditions" had been met; he had quit the job (yup, just gave notice & quit); had gone NC with OW (letter & all); and was prepared to have NC with OC if that was best for our family. I no longer felt at that point like I could leave the marriage knowing that no stone had been unturned. It was new information, a new dynamic, he had made BEHAVIOR and LIFE changes, not just promises and empty talk.

You'll know when it's time; I pray for him to be on his knees soon.

MSA

You are so profound!

I know what my problem is to an extent. He started medication less than 1 week ago, and since then i have just lost it. I have no patience, strength, control. I need to realize, i guess, that just because he started the meds, didn't mean he would stop seeing OW cold turkey.

sometimes i wonder if he thought doing what he is doing (going to Dr., starting meds, coming around...alot) would buy him and her more time together...that he could convince me, not to tell OWH, by making me think he was coming around...seeing as how he hasn't admitted to OW at all. I don't know...what do you think? I don't feel as though God is telling me that. and my BF said....what good would that do him, it would only buy him a few weeks, at most, because eventually you would just go and tell OWH. I have felt such strong feelings, i have KNOWN, honestly known everything ahead of time, God has been with me every step. this i don't feel that way about. I feel he wants to come home...eventually. I feel he doesn't want to throw us away.

they have nothing together. she isn't/hasn't left her H. He had no serious intentions. He doesn't want to lose us now, at first i think he didn't care, now....he knows he doesn't, but.... he doesn't want to end it with her just yet. i don't understand that. I simply don't understand. He keeps saying...maybe i will feel better in a few weeks, and i take that as....i still have a few weeks with OW, or at least to figure out how to end w/OW.

MSA...i am tired. My heart weary. My heart almost cold for him. But on the other hand, he does to seem to be trying....but not stopping. He comes down EVERYDAY. hangs out at home, then sleeps at his moms. during the day...spends time with her. (not all, she has kids, and works...so they only get a few together)

Is he trying? all the while i am running the opposite way, but i feel it is what God intends me to do/feel.

any take on this? Jaysmom

I would love for you to read or re-read that section in Donald Harvey's book "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" that talks about being the emotional security blanket for your WH. I have real concerns about him "hanging out at home" during the A. This puts you in an impossibly painful position (although a good position for demonstrable Plan A); and makes things very very nice & cozy for him. Yes, by getting on meds etc he is buying himself time. Whether he is doing it consciously or not I can't say, but you are definitely giving him latitude because he went to the doctor.

Be careful about letting him around so much, over the holidays etc, for "Jay's sake" - it is in Jay's best interest that your marriage is preserved, and letting your WH cake-eat isn't preserving it. I think a call to OWH would put a lot of positive things in motion; keep praying about it.

MSA

Last night was Jay's Christmas program. It was SOOOO good! He was a letter Y (in Baby Jesus) he did great. His daddy came, and sat next to me, behind a whole pew of in-laws.

2 weeks ago he wouldn't have been there. 1 week ago, he was debating on being there, 2 days ago he was going to be there but late and in the back, yesterday morning he was coming but would only sit in the back and leave immediately. He was extemely uncomfortable when he got there but i walked to the back of the church to give him our video camera (the church was packed and i am very short, and couldn't see very well) and asked very nicely if he would like to sit with me, (knowing he wouldn't) and he said no, i'll just stay here in the back, i said okay...and just patted his arm and thanked him for being there for Jay. He put his head down and i said, John just come on and sit up here...he followed me and sat down. My father turned around (we were right behind him) and spoke to him, very nicely, my step-mom spoke and they made things comfortable. Eventually we both went and stood together in the back to film and to see....but it went very well i think.

I can sense such a change in him. Even if it isn't over with OW, he is starting to realize it has to be and he is really starting to miss us. After i read what you wrote yesterday (the honesty thing... i couldn't get it off my mind at how true it is...he is terrified of being honest with me) so i told him...that he must be honest with me, that his dishonesty was what was ripping our marriage apart. he of course made no comment.

But the biggest thing about yesterday, i thought, was that he told me he went by to visit and wish his BF (my BF husband) a Merry Christmas, and to talk to him for a while. He said they talked about their meds and work...This was huge.

You see his BF is also his cousin. they were like brothers. My H is an only child, they are the same age and grew up together. They drifted apart the last year or so and have not been close at all, not hardly speaking at all, until all of this and he has been loyal to my H. (basically until he see's proof, he doesn't want to believe he is in an A, although...he pretty much knows he is ...he doesn't say anything to my H about it, but has talked to him and tried reasoning with him on a different level..."don't throw your family away...give some time, don't make rash decisions, etc.)anyway...my H has basically complained about him for over a year now and has not wanted to do anything with them, etc...(it was over their grandmother giving their grandads car to my H and not him... you can see where that would go)

long story short...when things were good between them...he wouldn't have stopped by his work to see him, unless he was there getting something already. I have been praying for months for a christian male friend for my H to confide in, etc. I just never thought it would be him, due to the conflicts in the past. My H said they talked for a while, he then said...i just thought i would stop and see him, since they have both been so good to us recently. when i spoke to my BF today, her H never told her he came by.

I think it is a good thing. I think he is looking for that someone he can go to for advice, help. I am sorry this is so long today, i am in a rambling mood i guess.

I am still torn over telling OWH. especially right here before Christmas. I am not mean. But i am going out with BF tonight and H has Jay today...which is also huge. Weds. are the days he NEVER keeps Jay, they are off together so they spend the day together. My guess is he is keeping him either because she is working, or because he is trying to throw me off.

He is struggling. He wants his family again. I know that from God. He honestly wants his family and doesn't want to throw us away. He wants to end it with OW, but doesn't want to do it the way he knows God is telling him to. He just wants it to go away, but he knows it won't until he does what God says to do. The honesty thing is killing him, but that is what will make him broken. deciding that he cannot live without us, without God, and with his guilt. Pray for us...i know you will.

on a happy note from Jay...Santa read them a story after his program last night, when asked how many of them had been good all year...Jay was the only one who didn't raise his hand. (At least he gets the honesty thing from me) When i asked him why he didn't raise his hand he said..."something is wrong with that Santa" i said what? "his beard is fake, and he isn't fat...somebody took the real one...."

Happy Wednesday! Jaysmom

msa...

quick note, i spoke to my BF a few mins ago, she said her H told her that he told my H yesterday (out of the blue) that he had been gone for 4 months, not giving me or jay anything, leaving us dangling and he needed to re-evaluate things and make some sort of decision soon. He said my H responded as that he still felt like he did when he left 4 months ago (meaning...he wasn't "in love" blah blah..with me anymore, because i spent too much money)(my BFH is in sort of denial over the A also, and thinks i should "move on")

anyway...i called my H, just to check on Jay, and had a very lengthy conversation with him. I didn't say anything about BFH. He went round and round about just crap, not making a bit of sense on anything. One min. he would always love me, the next i spent too much, the next he didn't know what was wrong with him, then he didn't care about anyone or anything, but he loves Jay and wants the best for him...just crappy stuff. before i hung up i said, do you want me or not. Nothing. again, nothing, the cycle went on with him answering..."i am not anwering any of your ?'s, then i'm tired of this s**t, to nothing, to crazy stuff...My H has lost his mind. He is really just insane. this A has caused him to be so stupid! Long story ending...i am stopping by OWH work today....i don't know if i will do it, but i will if God says to. Something has to end this vicious cycle.

I am afraid i might lose him, but really ....he is already gone. I am afraid what will happen. please pray
Jaysmom

Did you talk to OWH?

I'm telling you, he's on the fence and once the decision isn't up to him any more (REALLY not up to him anymore) he will get off the fence. It's a very very scary thing to do though I know, can't do it until you're ready. Ick. And nothing's foolproof.

You are in my prayers.
MSA

well...i went. I called H and gave him one more chance to make it right, he was so ill yesterday, and was just plain hateful! So i hung up on him, (sitting in parking lot of OWH work) got out of my car, walked in...just ready to go, feeling a little nervous, but ready for closure.

He was off.

off. what are the chances? You know i've been telling you, God didn't want me going. I knew that. I knew, but lately i have been struggling with this so much, needing an end. I am assuming God isn't ready just yet. I took that as a sign, God saying..."remember...I am in charge, be patient my child."

I will know when to go, i feel like maybe after Christmas would be better for everyone.

After all of that, me hanging up on him, him saying crap and being ill...he called and apologized this morning. He was very sad today. He said i am sooo sorry for being so mean to you yesterday. I just said...whatever. I am sorry too. Sorry for Jay too. i said, you know i just need an end...i am very tired and so is Jay, this is just more than we want to deal with anymore, after Christmas, we are moving on with life, without you, that being your choice.

Who knows MSA if that does a bit of good. i thought so before, i know nothing now. Starting to feel a bit like God hates me, but i think that is normal. I know he doesn't, He loves me more than anything, that is my comfort. but when you hurt soooo bad, and watch your little child suffer, you wonder, as i am sure you did, What is God doing and why? I want HIS will for our lives. I know that whatever may happen, God will be with us. He is all Jay and i need. And i was serious, after Christmas...i am moving on, what that means not sure yet. But....i can't let this man destroy what is left in me. He has played with our lives as if we didn't matter, as if we couldn't feel, as if we were just trash.

Jacob and i are worth more than anything, and God will see to it that he realizes that one day, and then his suffering will begin.

Thank you for your prayers.

I will let you know when i go to see OWH and what happens.

Happy Jay note today..."mom...we need to go to the store, Jesus needs cupcakes for his birthday!" he is my joy!
Jaysmom

Merry Christmas!!!

Just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas!!

Things are definitely moving forward. He has only been on meds 1 week and i can already tell a difference, and we are a long way from full strength.

Last night he was so much like my sweet H. I am getting worried though. Last night and this morning he was just so loving and flirty with me. VERY flirty. VERY!!!
I miss him MSA...and i know that he is going to try this weekend to "be" with me....and i am afraid not to, but afraid also to. That was some of the resentment towards me because i "cut him off", so to speak. I don't want him thinking well....she is at it again, BUT...he needs to know he can't just come home, without explination, without being broken.

My friend said....and tell me what you think...Let it go, (if i can) so far...so that he knows you do want him, but then stop and explain it would be too painful to follow through, with him not living with us, or even saying he loves me, or anything. Let him know that i love him and want to be with him, but i can't when i know he will leave and go to OW, or just plain leave and not stay...period.

oh...this may just put me in a home. for the insane that is. But...i enjoy the flirting. thats my H. Its nice to see him coming back to himself. He has been so different and just complete stranger. He is becoming so concerned for me and jacob. Concerned about everything, something he has not been in 4 months or more. Thank goodness for ADs!

we still have a VERY long way to go. And he still has alot to do. I am gaining control now, and i have plans to take action, SOON!

i'll let you in on what i am planning to do in a day or two. thank you for your prayers...you are a blessing!

lots of shopping to finish....if i don't speak with you before, hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!! Much better than your last!!! God is good...all the time...God is good! *Jaysmom*

Well, I'll tell you; one time before I knew WHO OW was, this happened at his apartment and I did exactly as your BF suggests, let it go so far and then said, "If you call her right now with me here and end it with her then we'll talk about sex." I didn't know the depth of the affair, I though it was just a fling with some barfly college student or something. He didn't make the call, and we didn't have sex.

Another time, after Dday #2, I was letting him sleep at home, and same thing happened. I told him I was worried that I would just be too hurt afterwards, knowing he's still carrying on with OW. Basically, he kept on, and we ended up doing it. He made an almost scary comment at the time, he looked at me in the face and said, "See the kind of person I am? I know it will hurt you and I talk you into it anyway." That didn't help my growing suspicion that he was a complete sociopath. He was just in such a state at that time, that really isn't like my H.

So, I think your BF is right on the money, if that's what you're comfortable with. In order to convince you not to go any further, you could read some of Lemonman's (he's a doctor) perspectives on resuming SF before STD testing and AIDS testing is done - NOT SAFE. Don't put yourself in that position, you don't need herpes, chlamydia, HPV, or any other potential STDs on top of this mess, and God-forbid HIV.

Also, on further thought, I can see that it is good that you didn't expose to OWH. After all, you have had all this time to do so, in their minds it would really seem vindictive and vengeful to do it 2 days before Christmas, and why do that to OWH? Knowing you can't erase the timing and the associations later for him. My Christmas was ruined last year by D-Day on the 17th and finding out she was pregnant on the 22nd, which preceeded major breakdowns by my WH. Waiting until afterwards is good. Just don't wait too long.

On that note, if I don't talk to you beforehand, have a very Merry Christmas (and have fun necking with your WH)!!!

MSA

Merry Christmas to you!!!

well...well...Mrs. STOW, i have had me some fun this weekend! HA! No really...i knew, after his flirting the last few days...i knew.

although, it didn't happen as i expected. Yesterday my H came down and spent the day with us, until i had to leave last evening to visit my grandparents. We had been getting along very well, but he wasn't acting like he was the day before. In fact by Friday afternoon...he wasn't in the same mode either... alot to do with the medication and the depression i think...on top of the A. (also he has forgotten his meds 2 days)

Anyway...we still had a good day, he just wasn't flirty, actually seemed down....thinking it was the "holiday's being rough for him" thing. well...he and Jay were playing and i said...gotta go take a shower and get ready..."ok" so i pulled our bedroom door up, not wanting to seem..'you know'...and never expected him to come in there, and if he did...expected him to see me, and turn back around. Well, not so. He came in there, me only in my undies. I had my back turned and saw him in the mirror (he didn't see me), he was taking it in...but did not turn around.

he stayed, eyes wide open. I said..."can i help you?" No response...."your making me a bit uncomfortable starring like that..." "john" "can i help you" He finally just turns around, and walks back a bit, then...back to me. never saying a word, but totally telling me....he is still crazy for me.

Jay was taking a bath, and we had some "alone" time. He hugged me tight, very tight...but not a "gotta get some" type hug. More like....i love you, i can't believe i am doing this to you. He kept looking at me, just looking...like it was the first time he had seen me...like he was really missing me. I took control...and just held on tight. we just held each other, i teased a bit and then before you know it...but before it went very far...Jay comes running out of no where. I said to myself...okay God, you know whats best.

Later that evening, he came back to see us. In a rather ill mood. Not because he didn't get to finish...but because i think he was mad at himself for wanting me. Or at least that is how i felt.

Today...he came down early, to see Jays santa. He again was in that rather ill mood. Not wanting to see me today (as i was getting ready, he did but acted mad that he did), but then he will say he is sorry, he doesn't mean to be ill..blah blah. I am at my mom's now, and will be leaving to go to my dad's before going home. He is planning on coming down again tonight.

I am okay. I don't feel hurt or anything, in fact, i feel it was good for him to KNOW he still has those feelings for me (even though i know he has) but i think it was good for us to touch and be close. It was the first time he hugged me since he left. I did tell him today..."well you should be proud of you...at least you can feel like you haven't cheated on OW" then he responded with something that caught my attention...i can't remember exactly but he said something like...how do you know there STILL is one, or something to that extent. He didn't have time to plan on it, but it raised the ? if maybe he has ended it? wishful thinking i'm sure...

My dad and friends who have seen him all say...he looks terrible and they tell me how GREAT i look. Funny isn't it...he lost alot (too much) weight, and one would think he would be having the time of his life, but he is miserable and looks awful. His wife however....is getting the eye from several men, and looks GREAT.

Anyway...long drawn out story...but i wanted you to know the details. I think it was good. I am happy. He is miserable. I don't believe in my heart his mood was because he regretted me, i believe it was more the guilt of what has been going on that is troubling him. I believe God had his hand there, giving what needed to be given and stopping it when it should have. Give my H alot to think about and "wish" for, just some "eye candy" for Christmas. I believe God is really working. I am content. I miss him, still want him, and hopeful things will work out. On the other....i have given my best, done what i could, and no one can say i didn't give 100% to work things out. I am still planning on cutting things off with him (Phones disconnected...changing my cell, etc. ) when he can't get me, and can't call me 24-7, and i go to OWH...then we will see where he is...

time for change MSA. time for a better year. Jake and I will own 2006. this week...i am making changes. I will keep you posted! sorry this was so long. Jay is being entertained by my baby bro. (20 year old college students are good for something, sometimes) and i have few moments to myself.

Merry Christmas to you....i will speak to you soon! Jaysmom

Ladies,

Let me address two things: his requerst for SF all the time, and what you should do now.

His request for SF was more to receive comfort from you even though all around him was messed up. Who else to turn to?

Now, I think you should start looking into Plan B. Check the concepts out and write a good Plan B letter to your WH. Save it until you find yourself starting to lose your love for him, or until you are tired of his fence sitting, cake eating, actions. Then present your Plan B letter to him. His mother can act as a go between for arrangements for your son.

Jaysmom, I think he thinks you'll be thru with him if he tells you the whole truth. He is very very confused. He has mixed emotions.

I hope he can someday see & believe that the only thing that can make any of this right again is God; his own brokenness before God, in the fall-on-your-knees sobbing way that we have to surrender to God admitting that we have been "controlling" things our own way, doing it "our way" thinking we could manage just fine, and that we have screwed things up beyond belief. Begging God to forgive us for being so selfish, so pompous, so sure of ourselves... for turning our back on God and saying "I've got this all under control, I'm gonna do this my way." And just realizing to the core of the core of the core of our being HOW MUCH THAT FAILED and what fools we have been!!! Is there a pastor or Christian friend your H can turn to to talk to?

2006 IS going to be a better year for you; you take your power back from your WH, and give it to God.

MSA

i spoke to my other BF after reading your post and told her what you said, she agreed and has all along, thought that he is fearful of losing me if he admits.

What i just don't understand...is Why, why, why, why? is he still involved with her? Yes i am aware it is an addiction, BUT... when you realize you can't hide it any longer and that i am probably going to tell OWH why? Maybe i just cannot comprehend it, well...i know i can't. I have never had an addiction. Don't smoke, drink, sleep with other men, have affairs, never did drugs. I just can't comprehend the "hold" an addiction has on someone. The OW is quite scanky. Old and scanky.

He does need a christian friend. He doesn't have any friends. just my BFH. Honestly. He has no other friends. he did have but...they all sort of drifted apart over the last few years. He has one other very good friend, who is a christian and very devoted to his christian lifestyle, church, wife, etc. I talked with him 3 weeks after H left and he told me he would talk to him. Tears in his eyes, couldn't believe it. My H hasn't heard from him. ? why, not sure. My H really admires our pastor and has ALWAYS held so much respect for him, talks highly of him, thinks he is next to walk on water....but i have suggested he talk with him in the past...he never comments.

he definitely needs God. I have known that from the beginning, in fact just a few weeks after he left, i was driving to work, praying and God just spoke to me and i knew. My H deperately needed to get right with God. I felt like this whole situation was bigger than i ever could imagine. That God was using this to bring my WH to him. in fact my H and i have always gone to church and a few years back i remember during invitation my H asking request for prayer. Shocked...i never said anything to him. he never went forward...but that has always been in my mind.

We got out of church the last year or so, then the debt got out of hand, and i started getting very angry with God. my H was shocked at how angry i was. Blaming God for my stupidity. I remember saying "why does God hate us so bad" my H looked at me and said..."He doesn't hate anyone" but then a month or so later...H left. I blame myself at times, thinking if i had been a better christian wife to him...then maybe i could've stopped this.

He did comment just the other day, that our last vehicle, (very, way, way too expensive for us) we bought thinking it would make us happy. I said yes, but we have come to realize now that it isn't money that makes us happy is it? he didn't comment after that. I was encouraged. Thinking maybe he is starting to see the bigger picture now.

What do i do MSA? i feel so stuck. I pray 1000 times a day. I know he needs the Lord. But i can't make him. All i can do is pray. Pray for an end to this, Pray for him to repent. Just pray. But sometimes, like now, i do feel like God isn't listening. or that H isn't listening to God. i wonder daily why does God keep allowing them to do this? Why hasn't it surfaced? so many why's. Not enough answers. He is completely miserable with himself and all he is doing...so why? why doesn't it end?

My BF wanted me to ask your opinion. She has been trying to get me to move out. She thinks if i move in with my dad and leave our home that it would help things, since he is right there. She says...you need to be gone out from under his nose. "he has you right where he wants you" "if your not there anymore, he has to actually do something, work for you, make a decision" she says "as long as you are there nothing has changed for him since he left"

my problem...i shouldn't have to move in with my parents, take my son from HIS home because my stupid H can't keep it together. I didn't ask for this why should i have to give up my home too. I don't know. i think she is right. He cannot stand not knowing my where and whens. He just comes down everyday and hangs out because we are there. it would be nice to have some help with Jay at times and not see him everyday. Make him miss me. ????

sorry this is so long. i just needed to let off some steam. again i know what he needs is to give everything up to God, but what do i do? He needs to be broken to God, to me, to Jay, to HIMSELF. when MSA????? or will he ever????

Jaysmom