Hey guys!

Mrs. Stow...i am hanging in there. Actually i am doing fairly well. Work has been extremely hectic and i have not had the chance to get on here much. Keeping Jay busy after work too.

H has been around ALOT this past weekend and first of week. ???? kinda scares me!!! HA! He hasn't been out much but i know they still talk/see each other some. It isn't alot of time "together" ...which is the weird part for me. I don't think they have ever spent much time face to face...mostly just on the phone. they spend hours talking on the phone...they don't have alot of one on one. Jay confirmed that he is still talking to her on the phone.

but in seeing each other it is only a few mins after she leaves work and maybe her day off...but you guys know her H will be keeping tabs on that time. Plus her other day off her H is as well.

so basically what gives? is it more an EA now than PA? really i wonder if it wasn't more EA all along anyway. My friend said today...what is it exactly? what is keeping him holding on to her? what is it? who knows!!

one thing i do know is that he is still holding on to me too. and the visits getting longer and longer. He worries alot about my attitude. "why are you so grumpy" "what's wrong" "do you feel bad today?" i get those alot. I know i must sound like i am a sour puss all the time...i am not...he just ?'s me alot. He really worries about that. it's usually when he first gets there so he hasn't had time to "feel me out"

We have been getting along good. i haven't said a word about OW since last Thursday, and we actually had a good conversation Monday night. He didn't say much in response but i said alot and he reacted very kindly. He constantly refers to everything "well i am mental" or "my messed up mind, made me do...whatever the issue"

gotta run...patients running out the building.

Hope you guys think i am doing well...and if you think of anything helpful...continue to send my way....

CJ thanks for the pep/info...

and thanks to you both for the prayers!

JM

Hi JM,

Glad to hear you're workin it, sounds like your a little more chipper, glad to hear you're getting some convo in. Seems to me that he may be having a few unfoggy moments, I imagine he'll need to keep that to himself for now...if it is more EA than PA, it makes for a tough admittal, lots of emotional investment, and subtle enough to justify that the A is ok, he may be tapering off, like a smoker who thinks that he can just smoke less until smoking no more...yeah right. (HA, I'm smoking again myself these days!) They may ONLY be talking these days, and who knows what type of things that the OWH is doing. He does sound like a pushover, but he might only want to keep his strategy a secret..perhaps your exposure is paying off!

Haven't got a thread going yet, no time lately, mine is a long story, (aren't they all?) I will soon, I'm interested in what the men here have to say too, starting to feel uncomfortable only posting here, don't want you gals to get the wrong idea, after all this is Marriage Builders! Only here for support, just want you to know... allow me to be honestly paranoid about what you gals think of me!

I talk a good game, but screwed up last night, asked W where her cell phone was, saw in her call history she tried calling OM Thurs night. (doesn't know I looked) Last night cell was in kitchen, until she went to bed, then, as usual it disappeared. Shouldn't have said nothing but partly practical, she racked up ~$500 in cell charges since mid November, b/c she thinks I might have the land-lines bugged. Good grief. Wanted not to pay for this again! She was instantly mad, BUT then I asked her if she called OM and we started fighting. Kids were asleep. She said if we don't have trust we have nothing! I said if you have nothing to hide I'd, just like to know so I can relax, then I can keep building up my trust! Still don't know where the cell was, probably in her room, like I thought... Still, I don't feel totally guilty, tired of enabling her behavior...

Weird though, she called me at lunchtime for no reason that I can tell, and asked how I was doing, she knew I didn't sleep last night, called again at break time (about a diff bill) and was real nice, reminded me to take my lunch she packed for me the night b4, and served up my plate at suppertime, huh?

Gotta reset my 14 day counter, I made it 10 days with NO LB's. Grrr. I'll do it this time...but maybe part of what I did was OK?

Keep truckin' sounds like you know what you're doin!

cya JM & J

tomorrow is Friday right? oh my gosh it just has to be! this has been the craziest week and i am pooped out!

okay now CJ you have just gone and hurt my dang feelings. I just knew if things between me and the ol' wayward didn't work out you would be there for me! (i am only joking...don't panic!) I have been praying for you and your wife and i hope things will get better for you in the days ahead...it's so tough!!! and it's really good to hear from you...you and i have similar situations going on. its nice to hear i am not alone and your advice and input have really picked me up on really hard days!!!

you should really tell us more...there are alot of people going thru this and can help! Look at MSA...she has been there and she has been so supportive and she will never know how much i appreciate her advice, kind words and prayer! thanks friend!!

last night when jay and i got home...H was already there...waiting on us. kinda funny...i got the "where've you been..thought you would've been home by now" he stayed for a while and claimed he was home all day ????? (he was off). i still have not mentioned OW at all. We just talk about mostly his work...things he does with his truck...jay...

it's strange though. if the convo ever turns to me...he never compliments me or anything. Its like it is too uncomfortable or something. resentful kinda. i don't know. i really wish he would show a little affection towards me i am starting to just feel so lonely. maybe with time???

MIL says he still isn't sleeping much or eating much. he has lost so much weight and he forgot to go get his Rx filled so he has missed 3 days and getting grouchy. I told him he better go today!! he promised he would.

MSA hope all is well with you!! Sorry to you both about complaining of cold...been pretty nice last couple of days...60ish. Guess CJ that would feel like 90 to you huh? 60 is okay...but i would rather be on a nice sandy beach!!!

CJ...hang in there! and don't feel so uncomfortable coming here....we wouldn't be here if we didn't all have the same spouse!

Jaysmom

Hi Jaysmom,

I'm curious... if your WH won't admit there is an affair, then what exactly is the reason he gives for not living at home with his family and not trying actively to reconcile?

MSA

MSA-your reading my mind these days!

On Monday night when we had the conversation that was okay. (it went nowhere, but i say okay because he didn't get angry at all...and did answer a ? or 2 but used the same answer..."i guess because of my messed up mind"...as usual)

anyway in the convo...i said to him at one point and i am not sure how it lead up to it...but said..."you know before you left and things started getting bad (which was 1 week prior to him leaving) you promised me it had NOTHING to do with me at all, kept reassuring me of that....then the day you left...because i found out about HER...you say there is nothing to work out....since then you have said...you don't love me...you will always love me... its the money issues...it has nothing to do with me at all...i am not to blame...your messed up...blah blah...

i said...Good Lord...i am so confused as to what, when, and why of anything.

As far as his reason...he gives none. He doesn't exactly not admit to the affair...because he knows i know the truth...knows i heard OW confess to her H. He just doesn't say ANYTHING. If i say..."what is going on?" "what are we doing" "you come down here everyday...why?" to see Jay is my answer...or no response at all...which is mostly the answer.

He never answers any ?. and that is why i think i lost it last week. I AM SITTING AT HOME NOT KNOWING ANYTHING...TOTALLY IN THE DARK... he has been there before i got home a couple times this week...(i am very afraid of the dark...i know i am a weenie...childhood thing..long story) H always known this...since he left...if he see's or knows i won't be home till after dark...ALWAYS comes to turn lights on for me. He commented the other day..."well it was dark...so i came on down to wait for you all"

Everyone here that knows my sitch...friends, family, co-workers...all say...he is just working his way back home. Even MIL says so. He is trying to ease his way home...ease into comfort...ease out of A...at this point I realize that H and OW know it isn't going to work out...they are "tapering off" as CJ put it...i totally agree. He spends more and more time at home...less and less out. Even making sure he explains his where abouts. BUT he avoids anything and everything.

If i get on a subject of us...nothing. No response to anything. and when i mean US i don't mean i ask "are we working out our M or not.." kinda thing.

I mean...something like...simple....i bought Jay a new gamecube game...H loves it. LOVES it. so i said after he raved about it forever..."so i did pretty good in picking out a game..is that what your saying" no response.. i said...it just kills you to think you might have to pay me a compliment.

Bought new undies the other day and teasingly said...went by Victoria Secret to pick up something...(and normally that would be enough said to put a smile on him) and he totally ignored me. will not say anything about my weight. how i look. Still doesn't tell me he loves me. Nothing.

so what is it guys? MSA any advice. it is driving me nuts that i am just living sort of a nightmare. H see's us daily. spends more and more time with us....but i still don't know anything. He has us just hanging by a string. dangling us. I think he wants to come home...sometime. i think he is just easing his way in...i agree with my friends. that is what he did before. 5+ years ago. He just decided after he started spending more and more time with me...he would come home. I didn't know about OW then at the time he came home. He had just been put on ADs and then a month or so later came home, saying he was a "fruitloop" he was "messed up" all the same reasoning as now but, all was not well...and i knew there was something...that is how i later found out about OW then. this time..he is following his same pattern. easing in. getting comfortable around me. but this time i know about OW. does he really think he can come home and not ever have to talk about it? Ughh!!!

help guys...what is wrong with him? I am now officially crazy!!!

send help please!!!

hey its Friday...Have a good weekend!!
JM

Jaysmom,
Wow, he's quite the manipulator... that's a great line "fruitloop" - sure gets him out of A LOT of trouble doesn't it? Blame it on insanity. Then he doesn't have to be accountable for any of his actions. Life happens TO him, he doesn't make choices... I get it. His victim story.

He knows the future choices are all up to him; he can come home, not come home... you will be there for him either way. He's got it very good; he's built a pillow-top cushion right on top of that fence he's sitting on, and it even has a back on it - and armrests!! And other people bring him cake!

I don't think he sounds too "messed up" at all! I think he's made himself a very comfortable spot!

What do you think? How do you like his spot up there?

MSA

i know MSA...what should i do? I was going to ask you but forgot in last post...SHOULD i start asking him? What to do? i know...he is playing me isn't he? but it seems as though things seem better between us when i don't say anything.

I feel so stuck. I don't want to move. don't think legal papers would amount to a hill of beans. I don't know.

He is just really making me crazy. i haven't felt led by God lately to do anything. I don't know how to approach it anymore but i am the ultimate DOORMAT right now.

to keep peace i say nothing. I, of course, haven't been saying anything and it seems better between us...but it's like he is winning...keeping me in the dark. Not committing to anything with me and Jay. Just dangling as i said before. which is totally mean in my opinion.

what do i do? any suggestions?

should i start telling him he is going to have to commit to one of us..???

but here's the deal...anytime i say anything....HE NEVER ANSWERS...NO RESPONSE AT ALL!!!! and then he just keeps coming down like normal.

help JM

You get along better when you say nothing and don't confront because then he doesn't have to answer any questions or deal with what he's doing... very comfortable for him. So he's nice to you when you don't make things uncomfortable for him.

Perhaps post on GQII again. I know you did before you exposed. But now you did as the experts on GQ said, you exposed. It doesn't seem to be having the desired effect. Now what?

Normally I would think Plan B letter and strong Plan B.

Have you considered counseling with Steve Harley alone for advice? $185/session...

MSA

MSA,

You know i am really running low on everything. My best friend hasn't talked to me for some reason for almost a week now. she usually calls me at least twice a day. I think she might be upset with me because i am not really doing anything. Like maybe she feels she has said and done all she could and can't get thru to me.

i don't know. i am starting to feel like i just fail at everything i do. my M, being a mom, friends. Just all together feel like i am doing something wrong. I have prayed and prayed and don't feel God at all.

In the past 4 months God has been with me every step. leading, guiding and showing me everything. i know He is with me, but is very silent right now. Just really discouraged you know.

my step mom said if i move, no matter what the circumstance it will be the hardest thing i have ever done. Yep. i just don't want to leave.

exposing backfired. leaving probably would too. what is up with this stupid A? they hardly see each other and she won't leave her H. he won't totally leave me...and they think its okay apparently.

Last night...i did tell him he HAD to commit to our M or commit to ending it. I asked him if when he looked at me did he know he loved me...he just said What??? i asked again and got an "i don't know"

i said...should've been an easy answer for you dear. You see you tell me you always will...so therefore you should know when you look at me you do. he didn't comment, shock huh?

but i feel like i am talking to a wall most of the time. Yeah he gets ill...but then he tries to change the subject or avoid it totally.

so now. i have to make a choice. either i live with things the way they are and be the doormat, or i make a change. I deserve better i know, its just that this was the man i made my life with. My love. My H. My sons father. Just isn't so easy to walk away...but

what else can i do. i am getting nothing from him. no affection. no love. just a visit everyday and a little conversation that is always about his sorry butt.

i wish he would just leave. if he had somewhere else to live then i wouldn't have to just kill my son. Jay cries about moving all the time. i HATE being the blame for EVERYTHING when honestly i don't see how i could be any of the blame.

i thought about posting on GQ but...what good would it do. they would say...do plan B...but i don't see how i can.

he pays no attention to me putting my foot down. he continues to come down even though i asked him not to. If i get firm about it...he gets angry and doesn't mind if he hurts me.

Plan B next door...Is it even possible? and the letter...i could try it, but he has the SAA book. i just don't know. guess i could try it.

oh well.

i am bummed out today. I feel like i have failed at everything. maybe i have.

JM

Jaymom, you haven't failed. You have put forward a really valiant effort to save your marriage. Exposing to OWH took more courage than I mustered up during our separations.

I really commend you for that. I have no idea why it didn't work -- yet.

I do think that your WH's lack of answers though is just too much.

Okay, he can't apologize, he can't admit, he can't stop himself... where does that leave you?

I think you will feel so relieved if you start to take some power back, to make some decisions for yourself. You can file for legal separation and still live next door, no? This is just crazy that he gets to live this way on & on & on... all the while torturing you & Jay, wearing down your self-esteem, making you doubt yourself, making you feel like a failure when you've done nothing but stand by him.

I would really like to smack some sense into your WH.

I doubt him having a copy of SAA will affect your Plan B, he probably hasn't ever opened it.

I wonder what playbook he's reading from??? I just don't get him.

You stay the course, I will keep praying for you. I think you should initiate contact with your best friend and ask her how she's doing and what's going on... maybe it's time for girl's day at the movies and a facial - no relationship talk!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Or go to a concert, or to hear an interesting speaker. Something that doesn't require conversation but gives you something else to think about. ?

I know it's so hard, you hang in there. God has not forsaken you, He cares, He is in control. It is SO hard to understand His timing sometimes, and why... there were a lot of times that God told me nothing but "WAIT." even when I didn't want to hear it. Just listen for that voice, that inner feeling that is God, ask Him what to do. He loves you, and Jay, and even your crazy husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MSA

MSA,

whew i needed to hear that today! I took some power back last night. You would've been proud. I don't know what happened to me, someone must've been praying 'cause I felt so lifted up after i sent my post yesterday!!

He left angry at me, why? because i didn't give him his usual comfy night with the fam. then we talked on the phone after he left, while Jake was playing. I very calmly spoke to him and very firmly told him several things i needed to say...he needed to hear. Not so much the same blah...blah...but very, very FIRM...but loving.

at one point i spoke to him about my friend and he said "well who do i have?" "i don't have anyone"...very calmly i responded..."you've always had me" "you didn't need anyone else...i've always stood behind you, even in this trial, even in the worst of things...you've always had me"

he didn't comment. At one point i asked him what you asked me the other day...why isn't he trying to work on our M? Your really gonna want to slap him...."well...my medicine hasn't kicked in good yet" always the excuse.

I know God is still working. He is working on my H. Right now...i feel as you did, God saying wait. Just wait.

Yes i can still file legal seperation and live next door. Probably going to have to. He will flip out, but gotta do something.

i really needed to hear your words of encouragement today. thanks! My mom is the choir director at our church and she sang a special today and dedicated it to me...the song was my life. It meant alot...

of course i am like...gee thanks mom...as my makeup rolls down my face...and i didn't use the waterproof mascara today...yes...i looked lovely!! especially to the newly divorced hot dad sitting the pew across from me...(hey i have to consider my options...) i am joking of course!!

i'll give my friend a call. she scares me sometimes (haha) she is the very strong willed friend...who almost never thinks before she speaks. i would love a concert...but in Asheville...not much going on! We don't even get the circus anymore. sad isn't it! maybe a movie? we love to just chat about the old days...you know high school...when we had HUGE hair...was that only here? (i am not so red that my hair is still big...i assure you that...but back in the day...and yes the majority of women who live here...still have big hair...sad!)

took jay to see nanny mcphee yesterday...loved it....you should take your girls!!!

I really wish you would slap some sense into my WH! i would love to watch!

Happy Sunday!

Jaysmom

Hi Jaysmom,
I'm glad you're feeling a little better today.

Your WH's excuse about his meds kicking in is the lamest thing I have heard lately. Praytell, how long does the doctor think it should take until he comes to his senses??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Go see a movie... even though Walk The Line was about Johnny Cash's affair, I still liked it. Or King Kong. Or something?

Who is Nanny McPhee?

Happy Sunday to you too!

MSA

Hi JM,

Been out of town a few days, haven't been able to check here or start my thread...

Sounds like your riding the rollercoaster, and from what I've read, this is very normal. I don't know if this is comforting in any way, but try to remember the reality of your situation, it seems to help me when I take a step back and look at things for what they really are.

Seems to me like your H is having some unfoggy moments, his responses say to me that he knows that he is doing wrong. He seems to be in more conflict than before, so the signs are good! If he is trying to resolve things internally, then he will be waivering between withdrawal/fog, and clarity. (Which includes compassion for you) If I remember right, you are at ~5mths of this crap, and from what I've read in other posts, and the clues your husband is giving, and how you're reacting, sounds like you're ALL right on schedule. (sad, I know..)

So HANG IN THERE! Your doing well! If your unsure what to do, strengthen your Plan A to epic proportions, until you know and feel comfortable doing something else more drastic. I'm not opposing plan B, but until you know for SURE, make your Plan A as good as you can. This will make for a MUCH better Plan B.

Work his compassion angle, get him even involved in helping you, give him tasks (take out the trash? i dunno) that are family related, but not necessarily focused on your relationship. Give him these opportunities to live in the REAL world, where there are responsibilities and bills to be paid. Obviously he has compassion for you if he leaves the lights on, and freaks out when he doesn't know where you and Jay are!

And make it as painless as possible. He is comparing his REAL life with you to the fantasy (ie. perfect..in his mind) world he has created. It sounds like his fantasy world is encountering more and more pressure, and starting to suck more and more, eventually this A will die its natural death! Don't think it, KNOW IT! Would you want to live in limbo for the rest of your life? Neither does he. And the OW does NOT want to fully commit to him. Eventually the pain of the A will exceed the fear of rebuilding your marriage!

He will realize that if he decides to choose the fantasy, it will be a lot of WORK! And rebuilding a marriage is a lot of work (I've heard..yeah I'm green). Make rebuilding less work than sticking with the fantasy. He'll take the path of least resistance, especially when depressed.

His cake eating sucks, keep your firm resolve, don't feel like a doormat, for you have WAY more discipline than him. It is HIM who has enslaved his own life. He's his own doormat, and he is wiping his feet on his own mind every day. You are the better person right now, don't worry what others think, trust me they are ALL amazed at what you're able to endure right now, even if they disagree with it. At the end of all of this, people will be lining up to pat you on the back!

What is your Plan A goal time limit? NO ONE expects you to do this forever! Recommit to your goals, and when he comes around, get ready for recovery, I hear its the hard part, but at least you'll be on the same road with your H, headed in the same direction.

DON'T GIVE UP!!! Take care of yourself & Jay!

Its February today.

it WAS my favorite month.

tough week guys. CJ thanks for the post. I so needed it. My best friend has been upset with me and i feel so bad over it. January is a hard month for her and i haven't been very supportive of her. I feel so selfish, but yet i just can't seem to pull enough energy together to think straight for myself anymore. She has been so good to me and i don't feel i return anything to anyone.

Hopefully things will brighten up soon...for everyone.

Things on the home front pretty much the same. H still coming down daily. Nothing much has changed there. I am losing my strength though...and H is very much aware of this. We have had a couple of deep conversations and i do most of the talking...he just listens. Hardly says a word. but he never stops me, or says anything...he just sits there and listens.

Last night after he left i had to call him to make sure he was picking up Jay today after school, i forgot to ask him earlier. after i asked him...i started talking about things and really broke down on him. Of course, i have broken down before in the past 5 months but as i said before...he knows i am just about to my limit. After i finished saying all i could...i asked something (i said so much i dunno what i asked at that point, or even said..but i was crying)and he answered me...very broken up. He wasn't even trying to hide it much. He was broken up.

when i realized he was...i was so shocked i couldn't hardly think. so i am like going crazy in my mind trying to figure out what i said. the only thing i said to him that was different from things said in the past was that i was sorry for going back to work part time. When i did this (part-time) we were majorly suffering financially. with paying a baby-sitter and gas...it really was fairly equal, but not really. H didn't really want me to go part time, and i knew i shouldn't but selfishly wanted to believe we could handle it otherwise. He told the babysitter, at the time, he was afraid to tell me that. so he never did.

i only found out today from her (she is my friend) that he had told her that. Down deep i've always known that was a major part of his resentment towards me. ??? i have never apologized for that since he left.

the only other thing ...i told him i held on to him telling me he loved me more than anything in this world. i said..i have held on to that for 5 months. that was the last thing i really remember saying to him.

what do you think it means? He hasn't been that way before. Not like that. Is it possible that i have made a break in this? or am i too hopeful?

I don't know guys if i have been doing the Plan A right. Now i know what your thinking...my goodness..you've been doing it for a while...but it just hit me after reading CJ's post...maybe i have been doing it wrong alot.

now really guys i am not blonde but let me just put it out there. Am i NOT suppose to ever mention anything about OW to him in Plan A? i know no LBs, (i try) only loving and kindness ( i do most of the time ) but i mention the A, the OW, his needing to commit to me or her, blah blah....

am i wrong in doing that. I think i mention it too much...i go for several days not saying anything...we get along great...but then i start getting fed up and mention things. I am never mean about it...just firm. sometimes...well alot of times...i throw my sense of humor in...usually at the wrong times...

i guess what i am saying is...do i go about this by not mentioning her at all, not mentioning the A, not pushing him to end it, not pushing him period?

He does do alot around the house. He takes the trash up every week to be picked up. works on things. fixes my car when needed. buys things (detergent, little things for me), offers me money...so he does do some things. at first i was very stubborn and wouldn't let him..now i tell him how much i appreciate what he does.

let me know what you think? sure could use it!!!

Jaysmom

Good question!! MSA, any help here? How do we mention the OP?

My take: I don't think we should NEVER mention the OP, I'm not into being dishonest about the situation and conflict avoiding, BUT the frequency and manner is likely important... I think that we should try to offer the path of least resistance, BUT to ignore this completely is to be dishonest with oneself.

It depends on the people involved. Here's where I think we have something in common, JM. Our spouses will NOT acknowlege that there is another person! Your H denies completely, my W denies that it is romantic in any way. This lets them avoid the issues completely, and I think this is unfair and immature!! For crying out loud, my WW and OM WERE CONSIDERING HAVING SEX!!! Is that not crossing the friend boundary!!! Sorry, enough about me...

So it's a fine line, offer safety, and once in a while mention how it makes you feel, and go from there. I don't know how often, depends on the person. I think about once a week for me, the other 6 days of the week I can offer EN's. Then it is 'safe' being with me the vast majority of the time.

I also think that it is important for them to know that we are prepared to work towards forgiveness, so that they know that we are willing to accept their mistakes.

Really could use some help on this MSA! What did you do? What are you doing during recovery? What signs do you look for to see if your words are having ANY effect?

By the way MSA, hoping your recovery is still going well!

Cya girls...

Jaysmom & CJ...
I did talk to WH a lot about OW; too much in fact... he told me things that she would say etc that in hindsight would upset me for days later. But I never could resist collecting info about her/them at the time... but it always threw me off kilter later...

My WH, once he told me about OW (a month after he said he wanted to move out & didn't love me anymore) was pretty open about the status of their affair, and we talked about it a lot. So my sitch was a bit different.

What I did notice is that nothing I said to him had nearly the effect of what I did (like telling him it was over & I didn't think I needed to listen to all the ways I had wronged him in our M, when I filed for D). Telling him I couldn't wait anymore and it sounded like he had made his choice was what brought him around both times.

Reread Harley's info here on Plan A / Plan B. I think it's okay to talk about OP if it's not in an angry or disrespectful way. Be careful with the humor, it can come across to them as condescending I think...

We are 10 mos into recovery & things are going well - ups & downs, but NOTHING as hard as during the A.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MSA

Thx for the thoughts MSA, I think you were lucky in a way to be able to talk to your H and extract info, but I can sure see how this would fuel your obsessive thoughts...must've been hard. On second thoughts, I don't know if this would've been easier, they say ignorance is bliss! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JM & J, hope your taking care of yourself! I always include you in my prayers!

Well, I got my thread going, if you want some entertainment, check it out, I was going to post on GQII, but I can't seem to get in there once I'm logged in! Anyone ever had that prob?

L8r.

Exposing my privates! EA turned mess!! Help!

CJ i just read your post. WOW! i thought my sitch was bad but i think you've got me beat. I cannot imagine if my H was foolin' around with my best friend. (it would never happen...she doesn't much care for him anyway HA) but really that would so suck! If i had not had her i don't know what i would do! in the beginning it was so hard because i couldn't talk to him...and if she had not been there for me i would just die!

that just blows my mind. You've just been smacked twice! and you are still living together? wow!

no one has posted on your thread yet so i will to give it a bump up!

Last night H was grouchy. Is grouchy good? He still came down and hung out with us but seemed a little grouchy. something was bothering him, he was trying really hard to not let it show. made me a little sad too. I had hoped that my conversation the night before had gone somewhere. but then again..maybe it did and the grouchiness was due to him dealing internally with things. Hey...maybe OWH has caught on too...i would have NO way of knowing. maybe something like that???

I told him again last night, to his face this time, that i loved him and wanted to work on our M. He wouldn't look me in the eye, but stood there and muttered yeah. Yeah. thats better than the normal silence. then he changed the subject.

I am trying to take care of me and Jay. Doing the best i can. Holding on to Romans 8:28. i read it almost daily, gives me fuel i need. Jay seems to be doing much better. I just hope that my H coming daily will not end and make things worse. MIL seems to think H won't be able to not come by...but that he is just trying to work on coming home. best friend said so for the longest too. so hard for me to hope that when he tells me nothing!

gonna take Jay to another movie this weekend. MSA..by the way....Nanny McPhee is kinda like Mary Poppins. Jay loves the Poppins...still likes Poppins better but he did enjoy the movie.

thank you guys for the CONSTANT support and prayers! definitely need it! Lifts me up so many days!!!

MSA...? for you...when your H came around you said he was contrite. Did he ever seem resentful? at first i mean. What exactly did he do? while he was gone and couldn't decide...i think in a way...i wish my H would tell me instead of denying but then again i don't know HOW you put up with listening to him talk about OW as if she were the best thing ever. Sometimes i think it is a blessing that my H denies OW...that makes me feel like he cares enough about me to not totally destroy me...then again...he knows i know...sometimes i think he does it to...destroy me!

Just curious.

jaysmom

Hi JM and MSA,

I reposted on GQII, seems I needed to turn my default view to "collapsed so that I the server didn't run out of memory...just a tip.

So now I'm HERE.

Keep up the good work! Sounds like your H is turning some corners, he broke down did he? This would be hard to do in front of you! Esp for someone SO closed! I know, I live it.

From what I've read, resentment (ie. grouchy) can be GOOD! Take it is as a good sign, embrace it. If he is resenting you, or better yet just being grouchy but NOT at you, then he's likely trying to separate himself from OW or they are having troubles or OW is making herself distant. How would a crack addict behave towards you if you took away his pipe? Probably be pissed off even if he could reason that it was for the greater good. It might seem contradictory, but if he's in an exceptionally GOOD mood, I've read that he might again be basking in the affection from both of you, be mindful, but DON'T jump to this conclusion either! Keep safety!

Sounds like you've got him in the grey area, keep him there, and pour on the coal!! EXPECT him to vacillate right now, when he feels guilty and the withdrawal, he will want a hit of his "drug". If he does, he'll get more guilty and as he starts to implode, he'll vent at YOU, most likely. KEEP YOUR COOL!

Take his power away, if you don't react, he cannot get any dirt on you to blame you further. If you don't know what to say, walk away. It will confuse the he!! out of him. But DON'T take the blame either, stand up for yourself in subtle, firm ways, you don't need to go along with everything he says if you don't agree, but keep asking the open-ended questions about these things you disagree about, people are forced to form thoughts when they talk, and if he listens to himself enough, he'll find his own way out of the fog. You can't control his actions, but you can one he!! of an influence.

Protect Jay, he's your reason and inspiration, and think of your marriage as a child that needs nuturing also, think of it as separate from your H right now, know that the man you're dealing with right now is NOT the one you married, don't let this man make you fall out of love with the one you knew. Think of Plan A as a search and rescue mission, without getting self-righteous...you are right on track!

Maybe you've read these, but here are some Plan A links, I know I'm novice, but I think Plan A just finally clicked for me in the last 3 wks... see what you think:

plan a tips and musings...get grounded here

UPDATED: What to Expect if Your Spouse is Having an Affair

**** Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit **** TONS OF INFO!!!!

Hope this helps...I also think that each situation is different, we are dealing with human beings here, after all. Some things are slightly contradicting, explore the thoughts, and tailor them to your needs!

Good Luck! Take care! Hi and bye MSA!

Hey guys! Its finally Friday!!!

CJ--just what i needed to hear today. I hope i didn't screw up but last night had myself another cry session. Have not cried much in front of him at all since he left, so i wasn't too worried. I honestly think it was good. He needs to know I AM human also, i do have feelings and they DO matter...which he hasn't even considered! so i don't think it was a bad thing.

He was fairly grouchy again and was just being a real butt. (you guys probably think i am crazy with some of the expressions i use...HA) He bit my head off over nothing..and that got the tears a flowin'.

i got up and went to the bedroom before he could see i was upset but almost immediately he came in there asking me "whats wrong?" i broke down then. I don't think it was too bad, it's been 5 freakin' months for crying out loud. He has come and gone and DID someone else while i sat at home with our son...i think it's time he see's that i am losing it a bit. to heck with Plan A. sick and tired of being nice.

really i'm not i'm just venting to you a bit. I'll continue until God says otherwise.

Anyway...he left and said nothing more. kept giving me the "well my pills haven't kicked in" "i am mental..you know" Ughh!!! scr*w his pills. I am the one who is going mental. I did tell him i was sick of those excuses. he knows. He left me just bawling in the corner of the bedroom. the weird thing after he was gone i felt 100% better.

think he slept well knowing how upset he thought i was...?
i doubt it. Hasn't slept well in the past 5 months with all the guilt. Just heaping the coal CJ.

I think...and you know i probably am wrong...but i think the pills ARE kicking in...and i think me not making his life easy anymore...that the REALITY of things are finally coming thru. He KNOWS...if he pushes me much more ...He loses me. He KNOWS...he has NOTHING for the future with MRS HAGGARD..married...wealthy...not leaving her money bags husband(okay i'll stop there) for him.

He is starting to see the light and he hates it. He hates that I am not accepting to his way of living anymore and he HATES that he KNOWS he must make a choice to do something soon.

So anyway enough about me. I have vented and feel much better. Suppose to snow tomorrow guys. they predict 3-4 inches...thats HUGE snow here!! Life will shut down if it does..heck they may close the mall...doesn't that crack you up?

CJ hope everything is going well...i checked and glad you posted on GQ...

MSA hope your doing well.

gotta plan Jays big birthday party this weekend (he turns 4 on the 23rd) He is a spongebob-aholic. said yesterday..in his words...I want a patrick...PEEYAATA...he is my hope and joy!!

happy friday guys! take care!

JM