A quick recap..
After nine years of marrige and two beautiful children my husband (age 30) had an affair for three months with a girl he met at the gas station of all places. Unknown to me they moved into an apartment together (he works nights and weekends which is where I thought he was) one month after they met. She became pregnant and called me to make sure my husband and I were getting divorced.

I confronted my husband in April this year and he "realized" that he messed up after I hit him with divorce papers (he figured out I was serious). He broke off all contact with the OW, she had an abortion, and he begged for a chance to show me he could be a decent human being. For the sake of my two daughters and our twleve years together I gave him that chance.

At first he truly seemed to be trying to improve. Hr let me reset all his passwords and called me several times a day to check in. One of my main conditions to reconciling, however was counseling. I asked him to schedule the counseling as a sign that he truly wanted to work things out. Well, it is now September and we have not had one session. Two weeks ago after another "cancelled" session (he claims the counselor calls him to reschedule due to conflicts) I told him that if we did not have at least one session within the next two weeks I was calling it quits. Three days later he tells me the appointment is tonight at 6:00pm. At 3:00pm I get an email that the counselor overbooked and we wont have an appointment until 9/29.

I am so sick and tired of getting my hopes up and having them come crashing down. He ahs had three months to schedule one little counseling appointment. When I tell him I am getting fustrated with the situation he gets defensive and says he is trying. I am at the point of seriously regretting giving him the opportunity to hurt me again by letting me down. I am being unrealistic by getting upset three months after he said he would take care of this?

If I were you, I would make the appointment. He can show that he really wants to work on the marriage by going. If he refuses to go, then you will have to take other actions.

It is common for the WS to want to just sweep everything under the rug, and pretend that nothing happened.

Is he accountable for all of his time so that you know the affair is over for sure?

Our entire marriage I am the one who has been responsible for everything from managing the finances, buying groceries, scheduling everyone's doctor and dentist appointments.. the list goes on. When I asked him to help with the responsibilities his response was that "I work you know". Here is a newsflash, so do I- but I do not let it intefere with my responsibilities to my children and family. This is one reason why I asked him to make the appointment (I provided him with the telephone number though - old habits are hard to break). I just wanted him to for once take the initiative for the sake of our marriage.

He was very forthcoming about the A once I got him to admit to it and initially he was very remorseful about the pain he caused our family. But lately, I think he just wants me to get over it and move on, but I can't. It was bad enough that he had the A but he also got her pregnant. I do believe the A is over because the OW was really peeved that he came back home and cancelled the lease on the apartment.

Maybe I am looking for signs that aren't there but I am so sensitive to small changes in his behavior because of what happened. At first he would talk whenever I needed to to help me cope or understand what went wrong, but lately I can't even get him to sit down and talk about small things. I also sense a change in his behavior, he is not the remorseful person who will do anything to save his marriage. I get the feeling that he feels trapped in the marriage and chose the lesser of two evils (me or the OW).

Well, that is perfectly normal. He may be going through withdrawal, or who knows what. I would arrange the counseling and see what happens next.

Thank you for the advice. I know that it is the next important step but my fear is getting back into the same pattern we were in before the A.

I asked him to complete the EN questionnaire over a month ago and he still has not done it. When do you know when to through in the towel?

Um. I think part of the answer to your questions is here:

"Our entire marriage I am the one who has been responsible for everything from managing the finances, buying groceries, scheduling everyone's doctor and dentist appointments.. the list goes on."

Sounds like your husband has figured this out, and is content to let you make the appointments. Also he may feel like he doesn't need to fill out the EN quetionnaire, because you will take care of that too.

Just some thoughts.

That is one of the main reasons I have not made the appointment though my fustration increases with each week that goes by.

I cam to the realization that I am not his mother, I am his wife. I want a partner in my marriage. I have explained this to him several times and he keeps saying her understands. But then does not follow through with responsibilities I ask him to share in.

I don't want to continue a marriage that draws me deeper into depression every week. Any advice for bringing him about (other than smacking him alongside the head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)

Hi Genee...

Something that you may want to consider about your husband and the counseling appointment dilemma...It could be that he is afraid of going because of being looked at as "the bad guy"...As a FWS, I know that that is how I felt, and I had been in individual therapy for years...so, I can only imagine how intimidating this may be for your husband.

If you can afford it, I would suggest that the two of you seek phone counseling with the Harleys. (click on the Counseling Center link at the top of the Marriage Builders page for info) Steve Harley acknowledges that the WS many times feels much more comfortable in this situation. Also, you'd know that you were definitely getting a counselor who is "pro-marriage"...so many out there aren't!

I think that you should go ahead and make the appointment, no matter who you choose. Once you guys are actively in counseling, the issue of your doing everything can be addressed and handled more appropriately. Adopting a stauch stance on this is hurting BOTH of you...I've heard many on this board say this, and I think it is fitting here..."You can either be right, or you can be married." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck and God's blessings....

Mrs. Wondering

Just a thought...

It seems you are trying to "fix" this aspect of your H before the MC even begins. Rather than waiting for him to make the appointment and getting angrier and angrier, try this: you make the appointment as others have suggested. When the appropriate time arrives in counseling to discuss your frustration over his apparent lack of responsibility, be sure to include this as an example for the MC to work with.

I think you are only hurting yourself here. The goal right now should be to get him to counseling so you can begin working on things. The goal is not to fix things before counseling. Give it some thought.

Todd

Thank you Mrs. Wondering and Todd for your insight and sound advice. This is why I continue to visit and post to MB.

Mrs. Wondering I think you hit the nail on the head about WH fear of being the bad guy. It is also beneficial for me to take a step back and see things from the WS view point. Todd you are also right that I am trying to fix things before the MC even starts. It is a habit that is hard to break, but I believe necessary in this case.

The good news is that WH told me this morning we have a confirmed appt for MC on Tuesday when I return from my Mom's wedding in California(that should definately put me in the mood to work things out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). We also talked tonight and he is going to send me his EN questionnaire tonight and I will send him mine so we have something to think about while we are apart and before our MC. I keep reminding myself that we need to take baby steps (like in What About Bob?).

Once again, thank you for your advice!!

We had out first session and while it went well (we talked about some communication issues) I just don't think that it will be enough to make things better.

Here is my dilema. While he seems to be more involved in the family and helping around the house, it still seems as if there is no emotional ties. I feel like I am living with a roomate or friend rather than a husband. It seems like this is the same as before the A. I felt more emotional ties to my H when he first asked for another chance than I so now when we are supposedly trying to work things out. I have told him several times over the last few days that I need to talk with him about things and he kees putting it off saying he doesn'r feel well.

Has anyone ever reached a piont where they come do a decision that it is better to separate to at least preserve a freidnship rather than stay together and not feel any emotional attachment to your spouse for the remainder of your life?

bump up