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hrt1 Offline OP
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I just wanted to see how you were doing. How are things going on your recovery?

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Working hard at it. I've decided that Recovery is not two steps forward and one step back for me. It is more like a game of Chutes and Ladders.

I'm either working hard to climb up or I'm sliding down, feeling out of control.

How are you?

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Are you still going to MC?
I'm doing okay. I have my good and bad days.

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We haven't been to MC, with the exception of our session with SH three weeks or so ago.

Of course there will be good and bad days. I'm sure you've heard the term 'rollercoaster' mentioned here a time or two by now.

I don't know what the situation is with your ex-fiance. Is that a Recovery that you are pursuing together or is this a Personal Recovery for you?

I am very fortunate to have a FWS who is very dedicated to Recovery, despite the fact that I have often times dug my heels in.

Regardless of the path you choose, I hope you continue to come here for answers. There is someone here who has experienced just about every type of situation imaginable.

I'm saddened lately to see so many new members, but glad that they found a place where they may find opportunities to better their lives and their relationships.

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I am so happy to hear that your spouse is willing and trying for recovery. THAT is a big key.
I am working more on my personal recovery. I figure, if I can recover and move on. I can start to work on our relationship. To be honest. I am just taking it day by day.
What do you mean by "dug my heels in"?

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What do you mean by "dug my heels in"?


LOL!

I mean...resisted, rebelled, LB'd, sat down and refused to move, refused to listen, attempted to sabotage, attempted to get HIM to sabotage.

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hrt1 Offline OP
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Oh, that sounds like me!!!!!!!
I know he is trying, I just keep sticking my foot out there to trip him up. BAD me!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Are you going to IC? How are YOU feeling about this all right now?
Knowing that there is someone that has been through something very similar and is trying to work it out, give me hope.

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I am not going to IC.

How am I feeling? Of course that depends on the day, but I'm working hard to maintain some sort of consistency.
I'll bump our recovery thread for you.

Hope is a good thing.

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hrt1,
I am glad to hear you are going to IC. I really never thought I would be a proponent of IC but here I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I find it helps me. It is good to know that at least once a week I can speak to a person who is there to listen...you can talk to friends or family but it is not the same...

You said you don't know if you can trust him...it sounds like he is realizing that as well, since he calls you if he is coming home late and tells you where he is. It will not be easy to get trust back...it will probably take some time.

I know it took my friend about 2 years to get to a good place in her M after her H's A. Now she says that him having another A is not really on her mind at all...She says what is important is to work out the problems that led to the A.

So, do you know what led to the A? Even if it is a ONS, there must be a reason why that happened. I would imagine the reason would help you to figure out whether it could happen again...just a thought.

I am not doing too well today. My H and I are not really working on the R (M) so it is really frustrating at times...My life seems so unresolved... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I saw him on Monday night, he watched a movie at my place...we started of kind of iffy, he was being his distant self, but then it got better, and we held hands and it did feel like when we first met...

I really don't know what to do. My friend tells me that it takes time and that in the long run taking a 1 year and slowly getting back to resolving/rebuilding the R is not that long after all, but as you go through it it feels really long.

I called him yesterday but I did not hear from him...that always leaves me frustrated and then I start to think in extremes, that I should cut all contact and stop calling, cause I start feeling like a fool for still talking to him, etc...Anyway, kind of a rough day...

Sometimes I wonder why am I still around. This man left me, said many hurtful things to me, and here I am still around. He can still call me and talk to me and hang out with me. Basically, it is like we are dating again...but I cannot say anything about my feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, no ILY stuff at all, it is hard to keep all your feelings in. Darn, what a messy situation...

Hope your day is going well.
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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Daisy,
Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will just take some time. I'm impatient and want things to be better NOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
He wont talk about why. I've tried to talk to him before, but it could be that it was WAY too soon. Maybe after a few more weeks, we can really get down to why it happened. I have hope that things will turn out for the better. Whether that be I stay with him or not.
I am so sorry you are having a bad day. It sounds like he still has feelings for you though. If he came over, was willing to open up a little, physically, and seems to want to keep the contact open. I know what you mean by going from "I want to work this out to, this is stupid, I am going to cut it all off and walk away." Are you doing things without him? IE. have you joined a club, picked up a hobby, gone to the movies or taken yourself out on a date? It's funny, but guys will keep us on a string until they begin to realize that WE are about to cut that string. Then they seem to come to their senses and not only cut the string shorter, but sometimes tie it to their heart. I know, sounds corny, but sometimes it's true.
I know it may seem hard right now, but go out, not on dates with other men, but go out with yourself. Find something you have always wanted to do, but didn't because he either didn't approve or never wanted to.
I know this is complete rebellion on my part, but for the last 4 years I have made every decision with my family and fiancee in mind. NEVER thinking of what I wanted or needed. I'm 26, and even though that isn't old, it isn't young. But for the last 6 years I've wanted to get a REALLY small diamond piercing in my nose. Well, I went out and did it, without asking or consulting with him. He was pretty upset and wanted me to take it out, but I told him that "No, I wanted it for a long time, but never did it because of him. But that I was going to start thinking about myself now." That I was tired of always putting him and my family above myself. I know, I know, that was definately an act of rebellion, but I figure it can be taken out and isn't permanent and shows a small ounce of stepping into the new me that I want to create.

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Hey, hrt1,

You sound quite strong and I think you will get through this. As I said, 2 month after finding out about his A is really a short time for you to be completely over it. I was hurting a lot for 4 months after my H left me. It is only in the last month or so that I have been able to pull myself from the muddy floor I have been crowling after him in
I'M JUST GOING TO TRY AND GIVE MYSELF SOME TIME TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT FIRST. RIGHT NOW I FEEL HEALING MYSELF IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

I know you said you have not spoken to your sister, but do you want to? It sounds like you talked since you found out and she has not shown any remorse. Many of the WS here do not show remorse for some time, some take years. So, she may yet take some time...sadly enough.
I HONESTLY DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO HER AGAIN. TO ME SHE HAS REACHED A POINT IN MY HEART THAT SHE DOESN'T EXIST. THIS MAY NOT BE THE BEST WAY TO THINK, BUT RIGHT NOW THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK ABOUT HER.

I tell you, that when ever I spoke to my H and cried at the same time, he would get angry. I think he did not like facing the fact that he was hurting me. At one point he told me "why can we not begin to heal". He wanted to move on but I was not ready... It sounds like your fiance (BF) wants the same thing...just move on...
I HEAR THAT IS TYPICAL OF THE OTHER SPOUSE. THEY FEEL GUILTY, FEEL LIKE THEY ARE PAYING ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY ARE PUTTING THEMSELF THROUGH THEIR OWN MENTAL ****** AND JUST WANT TO FORGET THEY MADE SUCH A HUGE ERROR.

Did he tell you why he slept with her, even if it was only once? Is so, are you satisfied with the answer. i.e.: do you believe him? Do you trust him not to do anything like this again? He may not want to go to MC, but what about reading some book?
HE HASN'T SAID WHY YET. WHEN I ASKED HIM HE JUST SEEMS TO BE AT A LOSE FOR WORDS, LIKE HE CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DID IT EITHER. AT THIS POINT I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL EITHER. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

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hrt1,

Quote
HE HASN'T SAID WHY YET. WHEN I ASKED HIM HE JUST SEEMS TO BE AT A LOSE FOR WORDS, LIKE HE CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DID IT EITHER. AT THIS POINT I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL EITHER. ONLY TIME WILL TELL

I thought as much. It is quite possible that he really does not know why he did it...but it is also possible that he kind of does but saying it may hurt you more...Neither is good for you now...I would imagine not knowing 'why' is one of the reasons you cannot begin to trust again...

I really don't know how you rebuild trust after an A. I am always very amazed by people here who are able to take their WS back...How do they do it??

I myself, still love my H, but I have to say it is not in the same way as before. In some sense I loved him unconditionally, I was willing to do anything. Now, I am not. I love him in a more reasonable way. I want him back, but I have bounderies as far as what I will put up with. I don't know if that is better or worse...

I have learned a lot in the last few months. For one, I know that even if we were to make it work, I would never feel that we were in it till death do us part...I know better now, and somehow I know that I would always make a decision keeping in mind that I could end up being alone. This is true even if I have another relationship...

I don't know if that is sad or just realistic...

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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I guess right now I am just going to back away from that whole situation. Give us both some time to digest what he did. We are leaving on a trip, what was supposed to be our honeymoon, in about a month. We bought the tickets before this disaster and it's a place I've always wanted to go, so I figure, what the heck. Anyways, I am going to try to not bring the ONS up until we are away from our jobs, family and school. Maybe that trip will be our chance to really talk and figure out why he did it and if we can move on together.
I used to think the same thing. "HOW could they accept their spouse back after they did that to them? There is NO WAY I would do that. There just isn't an excuse or reason for betraying your loved one like that!" Well, I've had to eat those words. Its completely different when you are walking down that path.
I think that it is good you love him still, but that you are being more respectful of yourself and what you will or wont put up with anymore. To me that just means you aren't going to be his floormat anymore. And to be honest, HE WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. As sad as it may seem, being realistic will save you a lot of heartache down the road. That is why I'm not really doint anything yet, as far as deciding whether I want to work it out with him or not, because I know I would be making a choice with my emotions and not because I have thought it through and feel it is the best thing for me.

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Frozen or Daisy,
I know this is going to sound like a stupid question, but I have looked through every place on this website I can think that a reference to "Plan A, Plan B" would be, but I can't find anything. Is this from a book or is it actually on the website?
I know, I know. Kind of a dumb question.

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hrt1,

Yes, from the outside it is easy to look in and say I would leave! I have people that ask me if I have filed D paper yet? I am not that far yet. As you say, we need to make our decisions not based on emotions we feel at a given moment, but based on what we truely believe is the right think to do...

I am not ready to sign any D papers. I don't think my H is either...he says he wants to be just friends but he does not act like it...

I think he does miss me and still loves me, but I don't think he will come back to our M. Something tells me that he just does not believe we can have a better M than we did...I cannot convince him that it is possible...

Whenever I think of this, it makes me want to cry...life sure is more complicated then I thought it would be...

Enjoy your trip...try to find some way to each other. It really sounds like you are very clear about what you want and what you need to do...some days are just harder then others....I understand that.

Take your time...
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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Where were you about two months ago?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />You have really helped me and I feel like you understand me.
I am so sorry that today is such a hard day for you. I'm sure you feel like you are on a roller coaster. Up and hopeful one minute, down and hopeless the next.
I guess I want to believe that if you loved someone once, and shared the deepest part of your life with them, there is ALWAYS hope. Since he is still willing to have contact with you, I feel their is hope. If he refused to talk to you, see you or have anything to do with you, that would be different. I don't want to give you false hope, because I don't know your H and what he is feeling or thinking, but keep your head up. Believe in tomorrow. BUT MOST OF ALL, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know those are really corny words, but after this whole situation, I've realized only one thing. There is NO ONE in life that you need to impress and be true to other than YOURSELF. That sounds selfish, but it is too true.

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It's not a dumb question...everytime I search for it I have trouble finding it. I'm no Plan A or B expert, not even close, but I believe both plans are designed to bring about an end to the A. Here's the link:


What are Plan A and B?

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Thanks for the link. I have searched just about everywhere I could think. People kept making references to plan a and b, but I had no idea what they were talking about.

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hrt1,
Thank you for your kind words <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...it is not corny, it brought tears to my eyes...

I really don't want to have false hope...yet I am not ready to completely give up either...

You are right, 2 months ago I was a complete mess. Now, I am in such a better place, I can actually function...
The thing is that then I had more hope then now, but now I have given my H want he wanted, his space and freedom, which is probably better if we are to have a chance...

I wish I knew what he was thinking...

You know, the other day H came over and I had a baking sheet out that had really just crumps from what I had baked for a party some days back. H commented 'oh you baked something' and was picking at the crumps. I was laughing inside. Yes, he will miss me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I am a great baker and he always loved everything I made. Now, he was getting crumps and I could tell he missed not having more. I baked so much for him then (now I don't do it much, cannot eat it all). But I did get this satisfuction from him not being able to have more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...If he does not miss me, he must miss my cooking and baking...he is basically a spagetti man when he is on his own (cannot seem to do much more)...

Sounds like you are doing well today...

I have to say that it is kind of sad that you and your sister are loosing touch. I really cannot even imagine what I would do if my brothers (I don't have a sister) betrayed me in some way...they are not always understanding, but the kind of betrayal you just suffered is just beyound normal...you seem to be taking that well...time will probably also help, and maybe one day you two can reconcile...

Enjoy
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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hrt1,
I wrote a summary of plan A and B for eav some days back...you will hear a lot about them here, so here is the summary of the two plans as written by Dr. Harley

The way I understand it, both plan A and plan B are about the BS letting the WS know that there can be NC between WS and OP. Plan A does that via negotiation, Plan B via NC from BS.

By Dr. Harley

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when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total seperation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again.

without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work.

Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes.

But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery.

The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended.

So before implementing plan B you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A.,

That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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