Thank you for your response to my question on 2long's thread. I didn't want to make it about me, so I will start a new one.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the failure of my r's, both of them, and the part I played in them.

And yes poor choices in mates were part of the reason they failed, and poor boundaries and a very poor understanding of what I wanted from a relationship.

What has become clear to me is that I did not focus on myself, and the way I reacted and interacted with my partner.

They both cheated on me, but I failed them too.

I failed at making myself happy first and formost, I expected my happiness to come from the relationship.

I also had an idea of what a relationship was and expected them to conform to that idea. Never really taking into account that there were two people involved, not just me. And that both of us individdually were more important than the relatonship, if that makes sense. Because if we were not all be could be apart from the relationship, we had nothing to give to each other or to those we impacted in our lives.

I think that Plan A which is designed to get the BS to focus on themselves, the parts they played in the breakdown of the relationship and to focus on the changes they need to make to be a good partner, is way misunderstood all too often.

I thought I had it, but didn't.

Plan A should not be about getting the spouse back, it should be about getting yourself back, becoming your best as a person, and then the marriage would have a chance.

Do I have it now Ark?

For some reason it is vital for me in my own recovery that I understand where I went wrong, and for me to change these things about myself and find a way to become happy within myself first.

And I feel like I am stuck somewhere.

Maybe three/four months is just too soon to feel recovered from what happened I don't know.

But my head just keeps spinning on what went wrong.

And I do understand that he is not relationship material, but I played a part too.

Weaver:

Excuse me for intruding on your post specifically to Ark but I think what you said here is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! This is how I see PLAN A and how I approached it....Hopefully others will read this and come to understand this...

Weaver, ditto what mimi said.



May I suggest Christ as the "roadmap" to getting unstuck and finding "happiness" with yourself, as He values you above all else? The "changes" come from walking in obedience, willingly and in a posture of servanthood.

God bless

Weaver..

I agree with you...
and I believe that you and mimi grasp it in the deeper form...

the problem is that new BS read that and read it as..

Plan A is all about the BS....

which translates in to self entitlement
and ego's...

a true plan A is a pure exercise in humility and humbleness...at an exact time in a life when that's the last thing a BS feels or can at that time comprehend being..

plan A on superficial terms is ALL about meeting the WS NEEDS....
which goes against every reaction that most people have to WS and affairs...

society itself screams no to plan A

but plan a in deeper terms is about finding oneself ..
either again or for the first time...

it returns a person to roots of why they married the person in the first place...and causes to examine what IF ANY role they took on on not celebrating the gift of that person in their life...

Plan A takes a person from giving and doing with either expectations...OR as often seen especially withwomen....martyrdom activity...

and takes them to a place in finding joy in that act of giving itself...with NO strings attached...

it is in these acts of humility that we can seperate the emotions and can actually deal with and approach the WS not in an emotional whirlwind...but in a calm detached manner...

which draws them nearer..
instills hope in future repair
demonstrates consistant change
and if nothing else gets their attention

remember weaver I never had to do plan A....in an affair situation..but it has served my marriage well in also addressing as you pointed out...that selfish focus and blame game that if only my spouse did this this and that..then I would be happy........

so I always try to reconize how easy it is for me to give advice.........
and never mean it to come off as know all and end all...

Plan A is about becoming the best person/spouse you can..
but it is not about looks, or body image, or things like that...it is a much much deeper becoming..

ARK^^

No need to excuse yourself to me Mimi, I love reading what you write. You seem like such an open and generous person and are always welcome posting to me.

Ark,

I love your explanation of Plan A here. I think you should add it to your Plan A thread.

The missing ingredient for me, and I just figured this out when I read your post was humbleness/humility. I could not grasp Plan A because I had not reached a level of humbleness, which now I have.

And that brings me to FH's post -

Yes, I believe that I need to look to God now, and that is what I have already committed myself to doing. I got lost FH and God had to lead me back to the desert until I called out to him again, in my pain. I was brought to my knees this time and now I know why.

Thank you everybody.