WH affair, I caught on, he moved out & filed for divorce (no counseling, nothing-together 23 yrs, very happy/compatible for most of them). We have a hearing in Oct. & then the divorce should be final in another month or two. I collapsed then picked myself back up and moved on. Moved into nice house, rebuilding my life. 1st divorce hearings come around & now he is all weepy. Says he's not sure if he's doing the wrong thing. Says he "ruined everything, destroyed lives, feels sorry for me". I told him I could forgive him & we could go to counseling. He said he didn't want to give me false hopes, he doesn't know what he wants. He is now finally going to go see a counselor to help him figure this out. If he decides to come back we will both go to counseling. I guess I was starting to get my hopes up and now I feel like I'm about to be dumped a second time around. I am trying my best to be mature and no love busters. However, I feel very pressured. I feel like my marriage/life is hanging in the balance and one wrong or stupid move on my part will throw him back to her. We have one son, age 10. OW: 43, not married, no kids. e.g. DESPERATE!
What is going on here with him, any idea???

He is getting what he asked for and is afraid. Let him go to IC and see what happens. Hopefully he is seeing a promarriage IC. You need to contue on taking good care of yourself. At this point you can not count on anything he says. He is still an alien with a shimmer of his old self showing up.

Hmmm - he may have been all weepy and feeling sorry (for himself), but did he mention getting rid of the OW? Until he does that, I would continue with the divorce.

Make it VERY clear that if you accept him back, it's AFTER he has ended EVERY contact with OW completely. No misunderstandings allowed here...do NOT take him back if he hesitates on this at all!!!

He needs to clearly understand what your requirements for his return are...NC (no contact), a letter or email to her telling her it's over that you have approved of and are copied on when he sends it, marriage counseling, whatever...

And make it clear what happens if he lies about this or fails...do NOT let him drive your choices.

I am feeling really [censored] today. Divorce will be final soon & it's only been 6 months in all from
DDAY.

My son [10]is back & I can hardly look at him. I feel like he just cheated on me too. The thought of him staying in this ******'s house while she smiles and fixes him meals, etc. is just killing me.

What's the flip side of that coin shattered?

What if....she was NOT feeding him...and treating him like crap...would that make you feel better?

While it is hard on YOU to handle this woman in your son's life, please remove your son from this equation. He is just doing what he being told to do, which is he goes with Dad at certain times.

THIS is the time where you put the needs of your child above your hurt and bitterness.

Your poor little guy doesn't need this.

committed

If you haven't done so, purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. This book will give you an in depth look at the dynamics of an affair, and why the marriage might have been vulnerable.

It's ok to be mad, sad, grief stricken, and yes, for a while to "hate" the OP, but all of this is counterproductive. How you FEEL about all of this will not fix anything. What you DO can make an immense amount of difference.

Buy and read the book, collect your EMOTIONS, study all about Plan A, and begin taking the ACTIONS described in Plan A, and start taking control of your life.

If you do not wish to do this, then do as Believer suggested. Get used to your son being treated "as" a son by the OW, and prepare for your divorce.

MarriageBuilders does not guarantee success, but it does guarantee you a path to take to A) do what you can to save your marriage, and B) Prepare YOU to have a better understanding of what YOU need to do in personal growth in order to be a better human being whether your marriage survives, or you end up in a divorce.

Time to blow out the candles at the pity party and get busy working on the rest of your life!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks for the perspective committed. Yes, of course I want her to treat him well. I just feel so violated.

SD's,
Thank you for your response. Yes, I own and read the book, and many others as well. I have been doing a pretty good Plan A for the past couple of months. WH is on the fence. We had our final D hearing two weeks ago. Divorce will be final shortly. WH flagged me down after court hearing and asked me to go for coffee. We sat in my car and talked. He sobbed that he hates himself, he wishes he wasn't here, doesn't think he wants the divorce, etc. I plan A'd him. I listened, I didn't judge, and I offered support. He told me he was so sorry and he loves me. He said he is confused and will call a counselor that day. I've heard that before and he hasn't called yet. He called me on two different days after the hearing to tell me he misses me. That's the first I've heard that since D'Day. I think I've become the OW. He uses a calling card to call me, he asks me to call his cell phone at a certain time, etc. After accepting that the divorce is pretty much final, it isn't so bad for me. I was trying so hard to stop it, but it's really just a piece of paper. I make out very well financially. So I'm OK, but just because the courts say it's over, doesn't mean it's over. The feelings are still there. I know us and I know my WH, and I still believe it is a matter of time before he realizes what he lost. I think it is time for my Plan B. But isn't that silly when we are divorced? I can't save my marriage but I can hope for a remarriage?? I think his fog is enveloping me because I'm confused. He wants me to hang on while he figures this out. I know, convenient for him. I am strong and I can walk away and never look back if it comes to that. But here I am, and there is a chance we could turn all this around. And I love that stupid SOB!

My post today is a vent. It is a milestone in the saga as it is the first time my DS went to "her" house. I feel like she stole my life. MY STBXH dropped my son off and I didn't LB. I didn't say anything to my son when he went off for the weekend. I told him I was here if he needed me. THEN, I come to this website and vent. I've had these pent up negative emotions this weekend and I need to rid myself of them. I do that by posting them here so that I do not go and act out on them. Feelings are what they are. They are not right or wrong, they just are. And they are lightened when shared with people who understand where you are coming from.

After his breakdown after the final divorce hearing, I distincly got the impression that he made a promise to OW that he would divorce me. My intuition tells me that he felt he had to follow through on that, otherwise he would have been "using" her. I think it is distinctly fog thinking. Otherwise, why wouldn't he have stopped or slowed the divorce that he obviously wasn't sure about? Especially when he had a lot to lose financially and otherwise? The "I don't think I want this" and "I miss you and all the stuff we used to do together" and "I love you" followed by a kiss on the lips for the first time since D-Day - all happened after the finality of it all. The cage door is not just open, it is gone.

From what I have read here and in the books, he would probably like to continue this way for some time. He's having his affair and keeping me on a string. I guess I need to cut the cord and hope the darkness helps him see the light of day.

Any comments?

How long would you say you have been in a GOOD Plan A? When was the last time you lovebusted him?

Did you expose this affair?

Melody,

Thanks for responding. I've thought about you a lot and thought about asking for your #. How long have I been doing a "good" plan A? Probably since late August/early September. The last LB that I remember was on our anniversary. I was also a little cold to him today when he dropped my son off. I was out and they were in the house waiting for me. WH was very nice and chatty but I really needed him to leave before I LB'd. I didn't say anything wrong, but I was kind of cool and he got the message to go.

I have exposed this affair to pretty much everyone except where she works. Our families know, and all our good friends know. He has accordingly been avoiding them. Her family is all aware. Interestingly enough, his good friends are supportive of me. I have been emailing one of his close friends who almost left his wife for the same stupid reason. Luckily for him, he came to his senses before he did. He has been saying prayers for him and just wants to talk to him as a buddy that's been there. WS won't call him back.

{{{{{{{{shattered}}}}}}}}

Hang in there....I cannot imagine going through a D already....and now on top of that your WH cannot decide what he wants and is still living with OW....I am so sorry....



I can relate! Had a bad day today and really wish I could just give in and cry....yet I don't feel better...but I understand those feelings....

Wish you all the best today....is the final date for you D set? I think I missed something from your post....

Daisy

Hi Daisy,

I always do feel better after a good cry. Negative energy leaves my body, I take a good rest, and then its all gone for now. At our final divorce hearing the judge approved the agreement that we reached. My attorney said the D. would be final in about a week to a month. I'm assuming I will get copies of the final papers in the mail letting me know when it is a done deal.

Well off to bed I go. I've been drinking too much caffeine and it's affecting my body clock. I need to get back on schedule soon!

Thanks for posting. Here's to us both having a fabulous day tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, I really need a good day tomorrow...today was beyond bad....

All the best to you tomorrow...I think I will end up having that cry tonight as I go to bed....I'll get going now...

Enjoy!
Daisy

Hi, Shattered.

Just wanted to show my support. No advice to add to the great advice you've been given already.

My STBX also left me (and our two girls) for the OW, and has been living with her for the past 7 months. He is nowhere near coming out of the fog, showing any remorse or regret for his choices. I wish he was. I am divorcing him because of our dire financial state - he is spending money on having fun with the OW as if there is no tomorrow - and not giving me any CS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry about the situation with your son. I am lucky in that my girls don't have to meet the ho until we are divorced. But even then, I know what you mean about her being nice to your son, feeding him etc.

My DD5 is a very affectionate child. I can hardly bear the thought of her putting her arms around the OW and kissing her goodnight. But I know it will happen.

Thinking of you.

Alph.

Shattered, I think the timing is PERFECT for you to go into Plan B. He seems to be extremely torn right now and doesn't know how to get back. A Plan B letter may just do the trick. It will show him that path back and assure him that you still love him. There are no guarantees, but if anything can pull him off the fence, this might be it.

Have you read about Plan B?

I would rectify this if you can. This would have been a great opportunity to deposit some love units. If you decide to go into Plan B, I would wait a couple of weeks before you do it so you can have a chance to go DARK on a GREAT NOTE. He needs to have a GREAT taste in his mouth of you before you go dark.

Thanks for your support Alphin. I feel so bad for my son. I am going to call today to get him a counseling appointment. He has been acting out a lot lately and he has been very angry. He says things like "If my dad loves me, why did he leave me?", "Why don't parents think about their kids before they get divorced?" He talks about running away. He told me he just wants to wake up Christmas morning in his bed and then come into our room and get in bed with mom and dad before going downstairs to open presents.

This boy had been the most happy go lucky kid in the world from the time he was born. He used to wear a baseball cap a little crooked on his head and skip everywhere. He was a poster child for the all American boy. Always happy. That is gone now but hopefully not forever. WH says things like "Didn't you tell him people get divorced all the time? It's no big deal." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Melody,

Thank you. I have read about plan B but I don't think I have a good handle on it. I'm not sure how to do it as I can't think of any intermediary to use. We have a lot of contact because of DS.

Melody,

Thanks again for responding. This is going to take some practice for me. I don't know how to handle this. I'm bothered by my son now spending weekends at OW's house, but I'm supposed to act like its OK and show my husband I still love him? I can understand that I should withhold anger and disrespectful judgements but how do you express your true feelings? Or do I just wait and hope to get to MC some day to discuss them?