I have personally spoken to everyone in our social/family circle. Our friends think he has lost his mind. His family (he only has a sister) thinks he has lost his mind. His boss was pro-marriage, but did not want to cause any problems for OW and OWH's (Korean community, all own dry cleaner's, all slightly related)

I do think that OW may be scared of me calling immigrations. I think that is a healthly fear. But I do not see how to handle it without appearing to threaten her to get WS back.

Can you entertain the notion that the exposure has gone as far as it can go. Is there any other recourse besides exposure. I did personally speak to the boss, he also lied to protect OW's ID. It is like fighting the mafia here.

As far as him deciding on 9/7-yeah, that is his excuse #42 for leaving me. It is a different one everyday. I am not throwing in the towel, but I do not see how plan A is possible at this point.

Jean,

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't have any advice. Listen to Melody. She knows what she is talking about.

How are your children doing? My children are the same ages as your children are. It is so unfair to them. They did nothing to deserve this. Be sure to focus on them and take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep. I know it's hard. I'll be thinking of you.

WH, OW, boss, coworker and different addresses.

translation: blah, blah, blah, blah....please be my friend and don't hate me while I carry on an affair with the MOW, I don't want any trouble in my affair. So please bend over and take it quietly.


Please make it easy for me to screw over you and the girls so I won't feel so bad about being cruel and selfish. Don't fight or complain or make the girls hate me for abandoning them for a ho'. Please don't ever make me face the consequences of destroying my family so I can have an affair.

Three of which you have told me are liars. Go have a chat with him yourself, Jean. Since he supposedly doesn't care, it won't be a problem. I find it most interesting that she is sneaking around to Why is sneaking around then?

Who does she live with? Her parents? If so, they would be a great exposure target.

I am not suggesting that you "appear to threaten her" but that you call up, report her and get her [censored] deported. No threats, just action.


I think you still have some good exposure opportunities, especially the OWH and perhaps her parents. She is sneaking around for some reason. If she is single, why didnt she spend the night with your H? Why come over in the morning and leave something on his windshield?

The OWH might not pan out, but there is simply no good reason to NOT have a chat with him to see if there are any opportunities.


And why is that? I don't see that it is impossible at all, so I am baffled why you think it is. Jean, do you have a clear understanding of Plan A? Do you have any of the books, such as Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs?

All four of them are liars or half-truth tellers.
As far as the sneaking around, I am not sure that she is. The night I was outside his hotel, she made drive by's at several intervals during the evening, from 1am to 6am. I didn't know it was her until she put the token on WH car though.

Good point about her parents. She is 26 though, WH has been to her apt, I assume she lives alone (I am assuming though).

Do you know where she lives?

OK, for plan A with him gone, then am I just supposed to be nice when he calls. Don't make him feel guilty for leaving, don't talk about the kids pain? If so, that is something I can do. But that seems more like cake eating to me.

I really can do that. We get along great when we are separated. I can look great when he gets the kids. I can show him what great dad he is. I can candy coat everything for the children so he doesn't have to answer any tough questions.

And maybe, OW will stay away with the threat of me. Yes, getting her deported would be a sure thing.

"Do you know where she lives?"

I will have to check my records and make the firm match. The asian name/american name made it confusing. But last time I looked, I had it narrowed down to two apt complexes, both gated communities. I do have her license tag number now though.

Jean, Plan A does not stand for [censored] kissing, but avoiding LOVEBUSTERS, exposing the affair, and doing your best to meet his needs. It DOES NOT mean that you protect him from the consequences of his actions or "act nice." You DO talk to him about your feelings and the damage he has caused, you just do it without lovebusters.

And you look for any opportunity to meet his needs and make him feel needed. For example, if it makes him feel admired and needed to fix things around the house, then invite him to fix things and then praise the good job he does. Work on attracting him back into the marriage.

Because if she doesn't live with her H, she may live with her parents. After you talk to her H and if you determine she doesn't really live with him, you could go pay a visit to her apartment and see if there are some parents there.

Mel:

If Jean's Wayward Husband #1 emotional need was sexual fulfillment, what would advice she do to fulfill this need of his?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Didn't I already answer that above?

Jean,

Here is a post by Pepperband about the "carrotstick" of Plan A...hope it helps to clarify things a bit...

Mrs. Wondering

Thanks, MrsW! I wanted to post that, but am not on my desktop this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe you did, but as you know, I am not the brightest bulb in the tree here and at times need extra help understanding concepts, etc... Am I correct in ascertaining that your advice to Jean36 on the "SF question" , would be to try and meet that need (i.e have Sex with him) for him while in Plan A (also assuming that he is still in active contact with the OW).

Am I reading this right?, or are you advising something else?. I think it is very important for people to understand in no uncertain terms what the "Harley-MB" advice would be, as this is often an issue that comes up.

So, which is it here?

Thanks

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem, yes, she should try to meet his needs, unless she has reason to believe he is sleeping with an STD ho, which in this case is very likely. She is going for STD testing as it is. But I doubt that he would even try in this case.

Since this appears to be my WH's foremost EN, and the question remains unanswered for readers of this thread, is it fair to assume that the Harley/MB advice is to abstain from SF until NC has been established and THEN WS has been tested for STDs? Thanks?

Thanks for the carrot and the stick, so help me with some specifics please. If it helps any, WH says the only two things we are good at is child rearing and sex (that sounds like two of the main things people argue about and we have that one going for us)

Carrot-I can be outgoing, perky, not depressed. (Will he think I am happier without him? Or is he too selfish right now to have that thought?) I can do some painting at the house, show him I am motivated to create a comfy home etc. Be the best mom in the world. I will not have R talks with him. He knows that I am open to M if A is over.

Stick-stop letting him pretty this up. Direct children's questions to him. Do I let him take stuff from the house for his upcoming apt? Or does he need to sit on the floor? When I left, I took nothing, that was our deal-he who walks, walks with nothing. I have appt to see lawyer for possible separation agreement tomorrow (he doesn't know yet). Do I encourage friends to be nonreceptive to OW talk? (Our common friends think he is crazy, but also feel I deserve better, I think they are glad he left me so I can find someone who gives a damn)

During our two weeks of marital work, he made me a list of the things he likes about me. I can exel at all those. I also know what he doesn't like about me, I can hide those. We didn't get to the EN's questions, that is when he started shutting down. But, he loves to be right. He is the most self righteous a-hole you will ever meet.

He doesn't want to fix things for me (around the house or mentally), but he is drawn to that knight in shining armor. I just don't do well playing pitiful, should I fake it and come up with some household issue? (after a little time that is). He wants to give advice and to feel needed and appreciated. How do I do that without looking needy and clingy?