Hi everyone! Glad to hear you Texans have survived Rita. WH (Toolman) said during our recent MC session that he does not want to write a NC letter to the OW. He has had NC with her since 9/2, just by not returning her calls. His last contact with her was a relatively short phone call saying "BW knows about the A. I need to take some time to figure things out, so I won't be calling for awhile." (This was before he had read much on this site.) Anyway, from time to time, usually in the middle of the night, OW tries to call his cell. So far, she doesn't appear to have left any messages, at least none that I can verify. MC said to Toolman that he needs a plan, because whenever you try to "extinct" a behavior, you can expect the recipient to try harder to reinforce that behavior before giving up. OW seems to be trying harder--three attempts in the middle of last night, and an uncharacteristic attempt this morning. I think it's time WH steps up and writes a NC letter. He says that letter writing isn't his style, and it feels like an awkward way to end this. Anyone have ideas?

Toolman

writing the NC letter shows great respect for your marriage

do it

I would have to agree with Pepper here. Writing a NC letter isn't about the WS, it's about the BS. It took me a long time to realize that recovery is more about the BS than it was about me. Unfortunately, it may have taken too long.

PS ... If he refuses to write a NC letter .... I would suspect there is still hope of contact on his part ... sometimes the WS sees the OP as a sort of human exit-strategy .... a 'just in case this M doesn't work out' trap door.

TOOLMAN .... if you were apling for a job position and were not going to get the job, wouldn't you appreciate notice so you could freely go look elsewhere?

NOT giving OW the NC letter is disrespectful not only to your wife/marriage but also disrespectful to OW !!!!! She needs a clear message .... so she has NO HOPE .... so she can go look elsewhere.

EXAMPLE OF RESPECTFUL NC LETTER

OW~~~

There is NO HOPE that I will decide to leave my marriage to be with you ... and NO HOPE that I might resume an adulterous relationship with you ... not now, not ever.

Thank you for never calling me ever again. I am sorry I used you the way I did. The affair was wrong. Every part of our time together was wrong and causes my wife and I pain.

This is OVER forever.

Toolman

This is what Harley says about NC letter on this site, and I think it's good advice. I think Toolman thinks he could handle doing it by phone without making any mistakes, but I think the chances of saying something to "stay friends" is likely to slip out, even if he doesn't want it to....

"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. "

I hope that Toolman can see how important this is, since I know he's also a nervous wreck waiting for next attempt by OW to call!

IMA

This was a deal-breaker for me ...

Toolman must decide if making you feel safe is more important than his temporary discomfort writing a letter.

jeeze .... lemme think .... which one has priority .... hmmmmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your advice, Pep and Cinny. I hope that Toolman sees that he's asking for trouble by leaving the A "just hanging." Leaves too much out there for OW (and me) to interpret. What if he happens to see OW at some out-of-town work site? Without having composed a NC letter, there will be some awkward silences that he will feel the need to fill. However, WH will have to come to this conclusion on his own, I suppose.

Since there has been no contact (since WH ignores OW's calls and she doesn't leave messages) should I just continue Plan A? It's been 3 1/2 weeks since D-day.

WH is out of town for the next 4 days, and I am left to continue working on myself. Unfortunately, WH and I didn't get to spend as much time together as we hoped this weekend--babysitters cancelled, and a water pipe blew, etc. Guess we'll be doing most of our communicating this week over the phone.

I can think of only one reason a person would NOT write a NC letter, and that is if they hope to continue the A. And judging by the way he left it, he is planning to just cool it a little until you lay off the heat, or until there is a way he can say goodbye with a kiss, date, cruise, whatever...

Hi Still,
I think WH is taking the "if I stick my head in the sand and pretend this never happend, won't everyone just forget about it in a month?" attitude. Obviously, this is an unstable arrangement, because it only succeeds if everyone, including the OW stick their head in the sand, and never pull it back out! Thanks!

I pressured WW into writing a NC letter. Big mistake on my part. I should have exposed first, with NC letter later. WW did send a sort of NC letter, but it was insincere and not really a NC letter - worse than useless. How sincere is your WH about desiring to end all contact permanently?

I think he sincerely wants no contact, but I think he's embarrassed to write a letter. He thinks by not contacting her, and not calling her, and not picking up the phone when she calls, that she'll get the hint and move on. He says she has plenty of gentleman suitors, and he hopes she'll just get involved with one of them and forget about him. Their EA/PA only lasted about a month, so he seems to think that she'll have a short attention span and forget all about it.
Our MC and I agree that OW will probably try to contact for a while, if for no other reason than because WH was the one to call her and abruptly end it. (He thinks he ended it, but it sounded to me like he was too vague to really drive the point home.) She's never been married, and I sincerely doubt she understands the magnitude of a marital commitment.

Here's an alternative for you ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If OW ever calls ... your H commits to immediately IMMEDIATELY calling you and telling you.

And YOU return her call ... this will end contact in short order if OW knows that any contact is instantly returned by THE WIFE

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep,
That's actually the solution the MC suggested. He thought if OW heard my voice, it would drive it home.

It totally works.

But it has to be immediate not delayed.

Ima...

I hope you NEVER have to talk to her, as in, she NEVER calls EVER, but if she does, scold her like the 21 year old CHILD that she is!

JMHO,

Mra. Wondering