We were HS sweethearts, married 15 years, and have two wonderful children (6 & 10). It has been a good M (before her recent rewriting), but not perfect. I work too much and have not met her ENs over the past years. She says I put our kids and my work before her, which has been true.

8 months ago she starting having EA w/ OM over phone. About same time, I encouraged her to have a one night PA with another woman we met in a bar (no swinging, but close with all 4 of us in the same room). Then her EA with OM went to PA. She now claims it only happened twice a few months back. She claims there is no connection between the lesbian one night affair and her PA with OM whatsoever.

D-day was 8/6; then retraction after I confronted OM and he convincingly denied it; 2d D-day was 8/13. Since then, I’ve been reading lots on this site and other posts. I’ve been trying to avoid LBs, but have done many. I’m doing better now. She says PA has been over for at least two months and she wanted it to end. She now says she’s very remorseful, sorry, hates herself, says she made a mistake, loves me, wants our M, etc.. We’ve been to MC, but both were not happy with it. It’s been so painful. Sometimes, I just cry uncontrollably for hours.

There’s lots of talk here about exposure to family and others, but I don’t know that’s necessary in my case. She says affair is OVER and I know OM has no wife or girlfriend. I want to believe my WW, but still have doubts about extent of the PA. I want to build our M, particularly for sake of kids. But I can’t help but wonder how I’ll know if she told me everything, still wants to see OM, different OM or different OW? I work all day, and she’s a stay at home mom. Any insights are appreciated.

Sorrow,

""About same time, I encouraged her to have a one night PA with another woman we met in a bar""

WTF?!? Why does doing the OM bother you, after watching her do the OW? You and she are on a slippery sexual slope.

Check way down deep in your heart to determine what kind of lifestyle you want. And lay off the sauce.

Or maybe this is bullpoop! COACH ALERT!! COACH ALERT!!

kj

Encouraging her to be with another woman was admittedly a huge mistake. One that I suspect may have contributed to her interest in pursuing matters with OM. But that does not lessen the pain and insecurities I now feel and my desire to rebuild my M. I hope others on this board are no as mean spirited or least have meaningful advice than calling my situation bullpoop. :{

SJ, welcome to MB. Please read through all the basic concepts and get a copy of Surviving An Affair. Also His Need Her Needs for you to read together.

Now, you need to consider something... it is very possible that you watching your W with an OW left your W feeling very bad about herself and your M. You shook her trust in you and I am sure she felt very bad about herself. What are your plans to make your W feel safe with you again?

Sorrow,

There was a poster called Coach that made up drama to post on his threads that the good people here at MB would respond to. It was all lies (we think...never could decide on that).

I was thinking your post was rather fantastic (the [censored] item) which made me think that your post was bullpoop. I did not mean that your sitch was bp.

I apologize for my callousness.

k

Thanks for the explanation. Unfortunately, it really happened. I thought it was "fantastic" at the time, but looking back on it, I realize it was wrong and some times am very hard on myself for possibly creating a new sexual excitement/need for my spouse that I cannot fulfill. Although she says that event had nothing to do with her decision to jump into OM's bed, and I want to believe it, the timing raises questions in my mind. There are two other posters on this board who are in recovery and had similar but more intense situation (swinging, etc.) and who have insightful posts (I think BronzeGuy and his spouse).