Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#1483553 09/26/05 08:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
{{{{ cyberhug }}}}

Since I can't give you one in person.

I remember, when my sister died, that I wanted to talk about her, remember her, and sometimes just giggle or gripe about her, and it made people uncomfortable because they were afraid of Grief and Loss.

I'd love to hear about your mom if you want to talk.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Rosie, I am very sorry about your sister. That had to have been devastating.

You are right that folks are very uneasy around grief. I was at a meeting at work once and asked a coworker from another state why she wore her wedding ring on her right hand. She responded that her husband had been killed. I asked her questions all about it and she was so happy to be talking about him. I looked around our table and noticed the absolutely horrified look of my other coworkers! I could tell they wanted so badly for this conversation to end! lol


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Isn't it funny how people are so uncomfortable about death? We cheat those experiencing loss out of the opportunity to share warm memories. My precious nephew passed at the age of 14. That was 15 years ago. I finally was the one that got my sister to start talking about him. I just would make comments during casual conversations with her about things I remember about him. It helped her to finally start talking. {{BR}} sorry about your sister. Pep, I hope you have someone to share your many treasured memories of your mom with.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
I don't feel the need to talk about Mom right now ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel like she is inside me right now, and we want to be alone with each other a little bit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Isn't that interesting?

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Actually, Pepper, that's beautiful.

My precious grandmother died six months ago and it seems like everyone thinks I should be over it by now.

She was my biggest champion and loved me (truly) unconditionally. I miss her like crazy. I still talk to her sometimes... and wonder if she can hear me (I hope so!).

She was a devout Christian, and I know she's with Jesus, whom she loved so much. It makes me feel good to know that.

Thank you for letting me talk for a moment.

PS: Hi BR! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Just passing through...
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Oh, and forgive me for not saying how terribly sorry I am for your losses, BR, Pep, and FF. ((((Hugs))))


Just passing through...
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Aren't you sometimes overwhelmed with the bittersweet moments in life?

I know I am ....

The price of true love and deep intimacy is this ... eventually we must part .... one way or another.

the beauty and the pain is all mixed up inside me ... and I LIKE it !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
I know! Me, too!

And I feel utterly different about death now, too. But in a way, it's more about life than death: I am thinking about how I want to live my life in a more meaningful way... a more compassionate way.

Beauty and pain... yes. I feel my insides all mushing up again... the tears welling... and it is good to remember...


Just passing through...
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Losses are hard. Losing loved ones are harder. Even miscarriages are hard.

Holding onto memories are one of the things that helps me through these hard times. With miscarriages though, the memories aren't really there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hugz to u all. Thanks for sharing. It is good to reflect a put things in proper perspective every so often.

BTW, Cheryl, is that U? Howz it?

Hugz,
L.

Orchid #1483562 09/27/05 06:52 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,397
Tiny threadjack: Orchid, Yep it's me! I'm good, how are you doing??


Just passing through...
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Dear Mom

I miss you today. I have some things to share. Mia is going to her big dance. You would love her dress !!! It's a creamy-dreamy dress that is beautiful and flattering, not too old and not too young and not too sexy. It's fresh and lovely. You would approve.

I was remembering all the fancy dresses you made for me. All the fittings. Me standing on the table while you inspected your handiwork with straight pins in your mouth, carefully placing the pins just so ... my dresses were always perfection, one-of-a-kind inspired creations straight from your heart and hands ... and I was so accustomed to being blessed this way that I was never grateful enough.... like any spoiled teenager I just assumed you'd always be there to make me clothes that everyone envied.

So, THANKS MOM for all the fantastic expert seamstress hours you toiled in my behalf .... I was really special wearing one of your creations.

I do wish you could be here and see your grandkids.

I miss singing with you. Louie was asking me about some song I was singing other day (~You Are My Sunshine ~ ) ... he asked me if it was an old traditional folk song. I told him yes. He asked where I had learned it. I told him about how we used to entertain ourselves on long car trips and campng trips to Yosemite by singing harmony. I smile thinking about how we'd sing ~~ We Ain't Got A barrel Of Money ~~~ I always thought that song was written especially for our family because it seemed to fit our circumstances. LOL And I loved to sing with you ~~ You Can't Holler Down My Rain Barrel ~~ You Can't Climb My Apple Tree ... what a goofy song !

I know you would be turning 80 years old Thursday ... but I will never see you as an old woman Mom. You are forever young and beautiful in my heart .... and laughing ... You laughed a lot.

I will miss you until the day I die. There is a part of me missing without you. But there is also a larger part of me filled by you. It seems that whenever I cry for you, I usually end up laughing in the end ... remembering things that brought me joy.

On your birthday I will celebrate by crying a bit more and laughing a lot more.

Come see me in my dreams Mom. Anytime. I love you...... yes.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
I've cried with you and laughed with you about your Mom.

I still do.

This post made me cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

God bless you my friend.

Susan


Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~ Kinky Friedman
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Wow, Pep.....that letter to your mom is beautiful. She is right here with you. In your heart and still touching your lives.

Thank you sooo much for sharing. It helps us get back our focus and put our appreciation where it s/b.

Btw, those songs are memories for me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I love those oldies but goodies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Much aloha,
L.

Orchid #1483567 09/27/05 10:35 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
I am so touched by the shear joy you have in your memories of your mom. Thanks for sharing her with us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 492
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 492
Hi Pepperband,

I am sorry for your loss. It is lovely that you share such incredibly good memories with her... Going through the passing of a family member is so hard...

I know when I lost a brother to an accident in his 30s it took me two years to realize on all levels that he was gone. That moment came in a department store when I had picked up a shirt I knew he would like for Christmas and was standing in line to pay for it - when it dawned on me I would never be buying him another gift... I just collasped in grief. Sometimes your mind will only allow you the pain you can endure.

Death is a mystery - one we will all get to explore. I had a dream some years back - that was a real comfort. I dreamt I was floating near the ceiling of an emergency ward room above my body surrounded by three doctors. (I have a condition written in on my donor card that death is to be confirmed by three independent opinions - don't want to wake up missing anything!)

One was picking up my hand and saying what a waste. My hands looked great - manicure - jewelery etc but the rest of me was a mess. Looking down I was filled with a profound sense of freedom and peace. No sadness at all if anything I felt full of anticipation and curiousity. I had no desire to go back into that wreck of a body. I was eager to be going somewhere...

Then the dreamscape suddenly shifted to me walking by a white van on a construction site and turning in a split second to see a bobcat ploughing towards me. I awoke in a start at the point of impact - with every detail fresh in my mind. I always thought of this dream as a gift because it made me realize that death may just be an adventure..

Keep a journal by your bed. I'm sure your Mom will come to visit....

Pb

Last edited by paradise_blue; 09/28/05 12:04 AM.
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Dear Pep ~ your Mom sounds absolutely beautiful. I bet she is so proud of you.

Thank you for sharing her with us.

Last edited by BrambleRose; 09/28/05 04:16 AM.

~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Hi Cheryl - glad to see you around.


Everyone one else ~ My sister died 8 years ago - its not a new loss, but thank you. I'll never stop loving her and grieving her absence in my life, but its now bittersweet memories instead of the rollercoaster of emotions of new grief.

I just remember the most distressing and selfish thing I encountered was most people not wanting to talk about death or grief or pain. At first I thought it was because they didn't care, later I discovered it was because it made them feel uncomfortable due to their own fears.

In my situtation, what made it worse, was those that those that did want to talk about my sister made her out to be some kind of super human saint that just wasn't her at all.

I just love your letter to your Mom Pep ~ it made me laugh and cry. I need to call my mom and tell her that I love her. Thank you for reminding me of how precious mothers are.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
***sigh***

Too many tears,,,,,

I really miss my mom....

Nerlycrzy #1483572 09/28/05 06:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
awwwww Nerly

I know .... tears shared

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 100 guests, and 56 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,790
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5