HELP!!!!!
My wife of 13 years and former high schcool sweetheart now wants out of our marriage. We have one 12 year old daugher and guardian ship of my 12 year old niece.
I discovered 3 weeks ago that my wife had been having an affir with a co-worker. So I have been told, there friendship started in December when they both started talking about problems in there marriages. They quickly found themselves drawn closer and closer together by having so many common experiences and interest. There friendship turned into an affair in March of this year. From that point the wife has been living in preparation for replacing me with the OM. The past six months we have been nothing more than room mates. No relationship, activities, friendship, sex, nothing. She turned down me buying a new car for her in April as we had planned six months earlier. She has stopped using money from our joint bank account and trying to live off her paycheck. She does no longer participates in any house work, only things she had done with out kids I have just learned with when the OM was present. They were going shopping, dinner, movies and swimming together with my kids. My wifes excuss to the kids was he is just a friends from work. Her excuss to me was she was doing these things with just the kids and or with one of her female friends. I did not see this because I'm a workaholic and had blind trust in her and us. I know now that I was neglecting my wife and she was desprite for affection and attention. The OM is now meeting all her emotional needs, if not more. When I found out I seen that they had been talking on the cell phone 300 times a month, text messages 400 times a month, going to lunch together, spending sick leave and vacatin time together. Emailing each other all day at work. They have had there jobs threatened for flirting and unprofessional behavior. The OM is now devorcing his wife of 8 years to be with mine.
Once I found out I demanded she quit her job and stop seeing him. She declines to. She says she needs the money and he makes her feel good. Something I have not done in a very long time. We have been talking about what and where we went wrong over the past couple of years. I understand now and have been making changes in my life so I can be the man I used to be and what she needs. However, she says it to late since she meet the OM and now she dont want anything from me now. She says over and over its to late, she can't go back. She says loves me as a family member, not a husband.
Last week I asked that she not come home unless she end it with the OM. She promply came home and packed things and left. She would not tell me or my kids where she was staying or give a phone number. She did not even call to check in with the kids. My daughter is devastated. My wife does not even want to talk me about saving our marriage. She just wants to be with the OM.
What do i do to save our marriage? Is there anything? I had got her to agree to talk to Steve Harley last Friday. However, I caught her with the OM in a Lowes parking lot 30 minutes prior to the call time. When i approached them they flead in his truck. Needless to say she never called or came home until last night. She was very hostile towards me because I have now told both of our families about her the OM. I believe that the OM is completely controlling her and he is lying to her and filling her full of empty promisses. She has turned against all her friends and family that does not approve of the OM. The OM soon to be ex-wife had told me about his character and behaviors and they are nothing like what my wife says about him. How do I stop this train wrech from happening?

Do I give her a plan B letter or file for devorce. I still love her very much and I'm full of regret for the neglect. I have already made major changes in my life style so I'm now available, but she gets angry and ask why now and says it to late. I'm sick about the entire thing. I know I should have done something sooner. Does any one have any ideas how I turn this disaster around?
UPDATE:
The wife whent into a rage today of me spilling the beans about her and the OM to our family and friends. She was telling people that she is now filing for the devorce.
I called her at work shortly before 5 and suggested she come home so we could plan how we wanted to end our marriage. I asked if she has filed and she said no. I asked if that was going to come as a surprise or not. She again said no. She shown up shortly aftew work, first time in months. When she got here she stopped and watched me and my daughter playing basketball. When I cam in side she wanted to talk. She broke down and said she is lost and cant make a descion and wants me to help fix it all. She then wanted me to hold her. Also first in a long time. She actually confessed that his affection felt like a drug that she could not get away from. She actually is scared that it may wear off and he will not be the right descion. She admitted that seeing how I have been improving has made her angry because I did not do it sooner. She said that she is scared that I will have become what she always wanted and she will not be here to be with me. She admitted to being scared that I'm just acting trying to win her back and she will still not find happiness. I reassured her that my actions are genuwine and I'm just being the person that I lost track of and have always wanted to be. I also reinforced that our happines is the first priority and her not being happy is just not acceptable. When asked what to do, I suggested we get help from MB and Steve Harley to help us take the correct steps to find happiness. She admitted to being pulled from both of us and is thinking that separation from me may help. I think now espically with the OM working with her and there at lunch time to infulence. I still want to get her out of that job so we have a shot. Then I would not feel so bad about leting her find and apartment. What should I do about this??? While tucking my kids into bed she left the house. Says might be home tonight or tomorrow. Now I'm scared to death that the OM is undoing all the progress we just made tonight. What do you think? I wish she had not gone... Damn... I guess I will finish reading the (surviving and affair) book and say more prayers. Any ideas on my next step is welcome.

Daz

You will probably get more help discussing this with Steve Harley yourself as opposed to a joint session with your wife. You can later obtain a individual session for your wife (Mr. Harley will update you on that session free from what I've read here). Your WW is still in the throws of an affair. "Working" on the marriage is not going to be her forte. Do not internalize anything she said tonight. She may have wanted to give you hope to keep you at bay on the exposing stuff. WW's are liars until proven otherwise.

You made progress yourself though. You interacted with her in a positive fashion, avoided love busters and convincingly demonstrated you are changing without being needy, argumentative or desparate. Keep up the Plan A and measure progress in tiny increments. Reevaluate more exposure and keep being strong fighting for your marriage.

Once again, call the expert - Steve or Jennifer. We can offer support in the meantime.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

p.s. - email me...I've got a file you may want to let your wife read someday.

the_wonderings@yahoo.com

Dazed,

Welcome to MB. You have come to a place where you can get some help. I am sorry that you are going thru this, but you can find answers here.

This is a difficult time, but you are beginning to get on the right path by reading Surviving an Affair....read through esp. the parts about Plan A...learning to stop love busters (selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, etc) and to fill her Emotional Needs when you can, where you can will be the key. You will have to be strong and make yourself an attractive alternative through this process. When you feel like venting, come here for support. When WS's A ends and things fall apart, she will want to return to you and your DD. But for now the fog talk prevails--read up on Orchid's reverse babble so that you will know how to respond. WS's are always mad when you expose them to family and friends, but it is the right thing to do.

I am a workalcholic also and it got me into trouble because used work as an escape from things that did not go right in my M. MY FWS is retired and he thought he was unimportant. I was involved in my work and was trusting. I knew things were great between us, but still D-day was a shock. I was lucky because I found MB on D-day. I tried to solve on my own for about two months and then made an appt. with SH. He was great. I coached with him during Plan A, the two Plan B's and thru recovery. I know the only reason that I am still married is because of him and MB. So even if your WS may not join you with SH, you can coach with him individually and it will help.

I hope this has helped and you will get help from others here. Just by being here you have increased your odds for recovery. Take care of yourself and keep posting. ss

Dazed,

You are on the right path and you should be encouraged by what is happening right now. Your wife is torn about leaving you because she clearly sees the changes and knows she is on the precipice of making a huge mistake. Reassure her that her uncertainty is understandable. From her viewpoint, staying in the marriage could also be a mistake. She's struggling with which way to go. That is huge.

Ask her for time to prove to you that the changes you are making are real and aren't just play acting. But in order for you to be able to change, you have to know that she has to trust and believe that your marriage can be restored. She has to give up the other man (and find another job) with no turning back.

Acknowledge that She has to step out in trust to do this, but she also has to realize that you, too, are extending to her trust that she, too, has shattered. You have no guarantees that she would never cheat on you again. But you are willing to try to regain the happy marriage you once had and to keep your family intact.

Exposing to her family was key. You did the right thing. Keep your head cool but don't be afraid to show your own pain at all of this... at what you did to contribute to an unhappy marriage, as well as what she did.

Do not ensourage the separation. It is far harder to work on a marriage when the WS is out tasting the "freedom" they need to carry on their affair. It will only prolong the process of ending the affair once and for all.

Tell her you want her to give up the OM and get into counseling with you for three months. Tell her you want to do this under the same roof. Assure her again of your love for her and that you want your marriage to work.

Set your boundaries. While it is one thing to understand the reasons that brought your marriage to this point and accept your own responsibility, it is quite another to agree to her terms when in your gut you know her terms might spell the end of the marriage.

Lovingly insist on counseling. On making the commitment to your marriage and leaving OM behind. Tell her you'll help her replace her strong feelings for him with new memories the two of you will build together.

You have a long, hard road ahead of you, filled with many emotional pitfalls and pain you can't even fathom right now. But there is also in you path extreme joy and strength and a marriage that can satisfy both of you and nurture your daughter and niece.

Keep posting. You're doing well so far, though I know you are confused and uncertain.

~ Snow

dazed...

you must approach this issue on different levels and planes.....some will seem in contradiction to what you think you should....

when it feels different...then you will know you are doing the right thing...

1. You have on your hand one of the most insidiously dangerous types of WS...a mother who abandons her children for a MAN...must on one level be treated as very very dangerous....

you need to seek legal counsel ASAP to establish legal and rights and guidelines to blocking further exposure of your children to this man...

the fact that your wife is capable of exposing young extremely formidable developmental pre-teen to mommys boyfriend while married...is NOT an issue to gloss over or under assess the damaging potential impact...

mom stands to teach daughters that marriage means NOTHING

mom stands to teach girls that they can become unhappy with their husbands and just pick a new one...and that dad are replacable...

mom stands to undermine both daughters ability to form healthy relationships...

there for you must act accordingly..

have you cut back on work hours...for you must set the wheels in motion that if this doesn't work out that YOU YOU YOU seek and obtain primary custody of these girls....

this man even puts your children at risk statistically for abuse....

this is the time to stand strong and firm on your childrens right to a life free of moms boyfriend while she is married...
check out bobpures...mortarmans....Frankd post...men who have fought this same battle on different levels....

do not power struggle with her questions about why the changes now...
answer honestly...

read everything you can about plan A
no relationship talk..
expose her to someone in control charming and upbeat...

what have you read about plan A and what is your understanding of it..

ark

Update:
She came home last night around 1:30 crying and appologizing. She wanted me to hold her for a few minutes and started to talk but stopped herself. Cried for a few more minutes and went up and changed for bed. While setting with her on the couch (her bed) she said I should be mean to her not nice. However, I just suggested if she wanted to tell me about it I would listen. I then comforted her for about an hour while she went to sleep.
I'm not sure if or when to approach her or do I not at all. Should I try to communicate to her first or wait to see if she tries to contact me. Its really hard not doing anything knowing that is what got me in this mess. I just recieved word this morning that her uncle has died over night. Not sure how that will change her stressed relationship with her side of the family.
I guess I'll have to put the saftey back on the devorce bomb for now.
Should I let her read the (surviving and affair) book. There is many similarities in that book to us and our marriage. However if she sees the plan A and B stuff I would think that would take all the teeth out of the plans. Any ideas?

***THIS IS YOUR MOST VALUABLE EXPOSURE TARGET...USE IT A.S.A.P.!!!

Daz~

You have the perfect exposure situation...her employers have already let them know that romance in the workplace is unacceptable. You can kill two birds with one stone here...destroy the affair AND stop them from working together. If you want to bust up your W's A and get the chance to save your marriage, you MUST expose to her superiors at work!!! YES, SHE WILL BE MAD AS HE!!, she'll tell you "now it's really over", she tell you she's going to file for divorce, and all kinds of other angry babble, but that's okay...Your marriage can survive you W's anger, but it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair. Your W can get another job, she can't find another you!!! Please heed this advice...don't come here and say, "I'm afraid that I'll lose her if I do this", you already HAVE LOST HER at this point...It is your JOB and RESPONSIBILITY to break up this A...If she continues working with OM, you haven't got a chance, if you ruin the affair the odds are with you when it comes to recovering your marriage...the best way to ruin it? EXPOSE!

Mrs. Wondering

Dazed, you have gotten some really good feedback here from some real pros...there is alot going on for you....when I was going thru this, I printed out the postings and carried them around with me so I could try and remember what to do...and for reassurance to stay strong....I wasn't crazy, just going thru a situation.

WS came home and let you comfort her which is a big thing. She wanted to talk with you and you said you would listen...that is filling a big EN of hers....which she allowed you to do...that was good. You did not give into your impulses which might have been to LB her.



With all that is going on right now, it does not seem as if that would do any good right now because she is still in a fog anyway. Maybe at a later point, you could have her read His Needs, Her Needs when more will sink in.

Stay strong....ss

Mrs. Wonderings has some wonderful advice for you to consider.

I will also say GREAT Job with the comforting. In my opinion you need to do three things in the very immediate future.

1. Read up on plan 'a' and meeting emotional needs. Impliment a flawless plan 'a' with no love busters, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts...etc.

2. Expose, expose, expose. I think you mentioned that you had exposed to some family and friends. In one swoop expose to anyone who has an impact on her including her place of employment. To most you simply say, "I just wanted to ask for your prayers and support, Mrs. D&Cks is having an affair and I am trying to save our marriage". To the work place you can be a little more aggresive. Are either of them higher up on the food chain? Either of them supervisors?

3. While doing all this you also need to have legal advice IMMEDIATELY especially as too the welfare of the children. I'm presuming you are in Kansas by your name. I live in Salina. Kansas still has a lot of "old time" thinking judges sitting on the benches, so you need to get your ducks in a row, especially if you would be seeking custody....

I have spent many hours thinking about how to explain what is going on to her human resources director. Of which is a woman married with three kids. I would think that she would be compelled to help, however may be scared not wanting to get into trouble her self. The thing that scares me is what if it all back fires and her HR director tells her of my actions and then does nothing. I'm sure that would be a major set back. However, I know her work place has been bending to allow her to continue to work there. She has been written up had her job threatened several times. 1) She has used all vacation time, it has been pointed out to me by the HR assistant they used it all together. 2) she has used all her sick leave, and much of that was used with him as well. She has now started to use leave with out pay. Also is consistently using the five minute buffer in the mornings to not be counted as late. Also, she has been written up for being consistently late back from lunch. Has also be asked to dress more appropriately. Also has been question about hanging on the OM at company mixers.
My wife is a receptionist so her job is easily replaceable. The OM’s job is company controller. With him being in higher management that may also be a road block for me getting them out of there. I personally don't want him to loose his job. I think she would blame herself and have guilt for him and may be drawn even closer to him. I just want them to tell her she had 15 minutes to leave the premises. Any suggestions how to present my request of getting my wife fired with out the bomb going off on me at the same time????

dazednconfusedks - you are doing fine for now. Just know that your wife is still in the fog and hasn't even come to "withdrawal" yet. Right now she is "negotiating" with you, a normal step in the Wayward Spouse process of attempting to "have her cake and eat it too."

The consequences of an affair can be far reaching, including the loss of a job. Let me tell you one thing that would scare the begeebers out of any employer...an employee in a position of authority not only approves of, but persoanlly engages in, sexual harrassment for his own pleasure with the intent to commit adultery and to cause an Alienation of Affection situation to come into being, the result of which can be a Lawsuit against both him and the Company. Condoning sexual harrassment on the part of the company is SERIOUS legally and financially. Alienation of Affection is serious depending on what wimpy or tough State you live in. In my State, there are TEETH in an Alienation of Affection suit, but in others they don't even recognize such a suit (so much for those State's support of marriage).

Your story is unique to you. Just know that it is not unique to us and, so far, everything you have described is right out of the "Wayward Spouse Handbook of Course 101."

My wife was "out the door," had divorce papers drawn up, had her own apartment (to satisfy the State's requirement for a one year separation prior to granting a divorce), and had accepted a proposal of marraige from her OM. YES, it appears DARK right now, but it is NOT hopeless!

You are behaviing magnificently! Continue your patience and your changes!

If you think it would help, I can give you links to my first couple of threads, some 3.5 years ago, when I thought my marriage was OVER.

Also, if faith plays a role in your lives, let us know and you will get a lot of additional support from fellow believers.

God bless!

Hey FH,


I would be interested to hear your story...what are the links?

Raro

MORE BACK GROUND>>> This took place this past Sunday. While I was doing all the exposing I could. This tells you what I'm dealing with.

The OM’s wife has already filed for there divorce and he has quickly left her and there home for my wife. His divorce is set to close November 7th. His wife has been very helpful for me. Provided me much information about her side of there affair. The story gets even more twisted. The OM is an obsessive control person and is manipulating both my wife and his. His wife actually was the bread winner of there family and tells me she has acquired a lot of assets, home equity, 401k, and savings. OM threatened to take half of there assets unless she let him out fast with only giving him a check for 11k. After OM’s wife told me all the dark secrets about his personality which is the opposite of what he has painted to my wife. I exposed the OM for what he really is to my wife. The fact that every major personality characteristics about him is the opposite of what he has been presenting to my wife. Every category he has used to turn my wife against me with he appears to make me look like a saint. The areas that my wife and I have struggled he has presented himself to be everything she wants in a husband. Yes, I know my wife gave him the play book by confiding in him all her problems and desires. She just can’t see that yet. Some of these things are: I love kids and have two. He never wanted them and that was an issue in his marriage. His wife tells me he said they take too much of your time and money. Plus he was too immature to be a father. I think his ideals have helped turn my wife for a great mother into a shell of one. He told my wife he makes more money than me and can provide better for her where I can’t. OM’s wife tells me he makes less than I do and has bad credit. All there assets are in her name even the truck he drives right now. The apartment he lives in is his dad’s. The cell phone he used to steal my wife’s time with was his wife’s and the phone he has now is his dad’s. He told my wife he had not had sex in two years and it’s not as important as friendship and affection. OM’s wife tells me he is a total pervert and his demands in the bed room was a major riff in there relationship. She felt like an object and was continually hurt. Also, they had sex five times the day there divorce papers was served. The last night the OM spent with his wife, she awoke with his fingers in her paints. Sorry about the graphic display. There is much more the OM’s wife has said about him. I’m not sure weather to believe it or not. OM’s wife says she filed on him and does not want him back so why lie. When she told me this stuff she sounded like a complete wreck. So, I don’t know.
My wife confronted OM about all the conflictions of character that was noted about him from his wife. His wife called me and said she could no longer talk to me until there divorce was finalized because he quickly threatened her the second my wife was done confronting him. OM’s wife tells me that OM told her because she could not keep her big mouth shut he was tearing up the agreement for 11k and is now going go after half of there assets which will require her to sell her house and will result in him taking 80-90k instead 11k. OM’s wife claims he is also threatening bodily harm towards her. She is scared to death. I insisted she call the police and tell them everything she just told me. This is the kind of guy were dealing with. I get the feeling he will not back away from my wife even if she tries to end it with him. Me and family are in real trouble here.

Dazed,

Two things you need to do in the next few days. One, get a lawyer ASAP and protect yourself. Second, expose the affair at their work. Read Gramm's thread for an idea of what to do or just do it.

Best

UPDATE: At lunch today I decided to follow the wife. She drove right to the OM apartment and parked her car in his garage to hide. I waited around the corner for them to leave. The path i took she did not even know that i was waiting for her. I caught up a few blocks later and followed her to work. The chicken ****** OM seen me and ran like a little baby in the opposite direction. I stopped and visited with the WW at there work parking for a few minutes to see the the chicken OM would even show up. He did not. She was obviously shaking and started to swell with tears. It was hard as ******, but i stayed calm, comforted her visible shakeness and keep our conversation possitive and upbeat. At that time I confirmed her phone call appointment with Steve Harley tomorrow morning. She had not hesitation accepting.
Should I spy on them or not? It breaks my heart to see this _hit. Should I confront them when I see them?

This OM is a nutcase, manipulative, self-serving, and vindictive. I agree with UVA, expose the creep at work. It MAY cost your wife her job, but this guy has no business being in any position of authority. Play "hardball" with his employer. Your #1 job, no matter how "unpleasant" it might get, is to rescue your wife from that idiot, regardless of whether or not you two reconcile. I'm bettting that once she begins to see the "real him," the dam will break and she'll be hit with grief and remorse for what she has been doing. Be there when that happens to help your "sick" wife back to health.

God bless.

Raro - here you go. Feel free to ask any questions you'd like.

First Thread of ForeverHers

Second thread of ForeverHers - Miracles happen when you are obedient to God.

A "Bonus Thread" that you might also find some helpful information in:

Withdrawal - What's it like and how to deal with it from those who have experienced it.

God bless.

With all this information I would like to make two observations.

1. Do not violate the trust of OM's soon to be XW again. Having her on your team is an advantage. The information she gives you is only valuable to you. Your WW will discount anything she says anyway so it is not worth repeating, in whole (see #2).

2. Do not give up your sources. You could have effectively utilized this information in bits and pieces without revealling the source. See how upset you got the love-birds. WW immediately sang to OM, OM had to do damage control with WW then call his wife to manipulate/antagonize her then you and OM's Wife had a discussion. You can bet OM is insecure about the lies he has told your wife. Why not disrupt them a little bit at a time? Let them try to figure out where you got such information. You can even give your presumptions in generalities and state them as facts.

If you get info on the computer or with a digital voice recorder do not immediately disclose it. Wait a day or two when they will not be sure when, where, what they were doing at that time or how you could have got the info.

3. Affair partners are almost always a step down. I believe knowing this information should enable you to have confidence that in the end WW is going to come back to you. It might seem hopeless now but have faith as you are the better, more secure, more attractive choice. With faith in yourself you can regain some of your swagger. Visualize the confidence you had when you first met/dated her. To the extent possible that is how you should be interacting with her now. The more confident you are... the more effective Plan A will be and the more likely you will ATTRACT her back to your marriage. I promise you she will eventually teeter between the two of you and if you have Plan A'ed properly you will win hands down.

ACT OUT

Do get the legal advice to protect yourself and you family.

That said. This is an excellant opportunity to become your wife knight in shining armor. Do not lecture or speak ill of OM. He sounds like he will self disctuct all on his own. Determine what aspects of your behavior lead to making your marriage vulnerable and make corrections. It will take several weeks of improved behavior before your will be convinced it is permanant. The fact that your wife talks and is affectionate shows her mind is not made up. Listen to her, be there for her, support your children. Make her decision easy.

bob

Update:
The exposing has really made the WW mad at me. She went nuts last night throughing things and screaming at me. She thinks that I have turned the hole world against her. She has really upset the kids and because they dont want to talk to her she thinks I have turned them on her. Yesterday she got demoted at work because of all her tardies and blames that on me too. She says she can never face my family again after they know about her boy friend. She says there is no way in ****** we can work this out now. What do I do now. The night before she asked me to fix it and for the first time since the OM seemed like the woman I new. Now that I have exposed them, she wants nothing to do with me and cant stop talking about when she's gone type of stuff. Do I set and take it or do I get her out of the house? My kids are really seeing and hearing way to much. The WW is now threatening me by telling our kids and family about our very personal problems so she can justify her boy friend. Its just getting harder and harder. I will always love her but I thinking I should just go file and get the kids and send her on her own path. HELP?