Thanks for the support to you all:
The way I see it, plan b serves two purposes. 1) It establishes a boundry that forces WS to make a choice. 2) It serves as a primer for permanent separation provided WS chooses not to come back. That is the part that scares me.
I want to thank each and everyone of you for all your help, and I want to send a prayer out to all of you.
Is there any specific people or posts on here that has personally saved there marriage with a plan B approach. I would really like some to research some success stories so i can learn more about the entire process of D-day to recovery.
It's so frustrating not being able to talk to any one. The several day wait and $185 to talk to Dr. Harley is tough to take. This all seems so overwelming to me. I wish I had some one to help coach me every step of the way. My WW was my best friend and the only one I could confid in. I feel lost right now and I don't have that anchor there to help me.
Thanks again everyone.
I'm writing up a Plan B letter. Will probably post for you all to review.

Wwwoooooaaah!! slow down a sec. Dont go charging off to your wife and make demands without a plan. YOU must have a plan because her plans add up to 21-day trial adultery sleep overs. So, you have to have a plan.

Write a Plan B letter NOW and get it up here. If you cant find one on here, ask for help and we will post a sample one. Then take it and meld it to your situation.

THEN>>>>>

Call your wife and tell her what they said above. That you re-thought this and this cannot go on. That you want to save the marriage and this will only kill it. Be open and honest with her. Be a viable choice...dont dump on her. Then let her make her decision.

As was said above, be prepared for her to choose OM. That is why you go with Plan B letter and have it ready before you do this. Then when she chooses OM, you give her Plan B letter and go dark. look at gramn's thread on the last three pages of it. he is going thru his Plan B with kids right now. It is hard, but doable.

My wife left also and I had the kids. They were right above that it is an added advantage that the kids are with you. Do not let her change that. Their home is where they are at. Mommy decided to leave it.

I think your wife is a very good canadidate for Plan B. But you have to first finish a short Plan A. that includes exposure and with telling your wife what you expect her to do. And, with you NOT condoning any immoral behavior...as you have done so far.

Stop beating yourself up. We have all made the same mistakes. Just stand up, dust yourself off and move forward.

In His arms.

Mortarman-
So you are saying I should tell her to stop this 21 day test drive and come home. Then if she says no, I hand her the plan b letter? That is what i was thinking.

yes if she wants to continue the 21 day trial run, which my wife tried also, give her the letter. I bet she will choose to be with OM, so be forewarned. You can get through plan B. I too considered my WW my best friend, I never went a day without speaking to her while one of us were at work. The thought of not speaking to her I thought was going to be difficult. On the contrary, I am doing this for me and my DD. HAng in there

Yes!!! But have your plan together. How to deal with the kids issue, how to deal with her when she tries to ignore your no contact deal. look at Gramn's thread. his wife is only 5 days into Plan B and already screaming that she is calling her attorney because he wont talk to her. This stuff would be damn funny if it werent so serious!!

In His arms.

I never did a plan B...things ended prior to that.

But, my wife DID want to do that 'test drive' thing too. She begged me at one point to 'let her go and live with OM...and if it didn't work out she'd come back to me'!!

I refused to entertain the concept. I told her how much I loved her, but that if she decided that she would go live with him, that there was no way that I would consider reconciling our marriage...OR our friendship.

I would not condone her 'testing' her relationship with someone else while we were married.

We seperated in house post d-day...and she made the comment that she didn't know WHO she wanted to be with, him or me. I continued to let her know that if she chose him, it was a one way ticket...because I would go ahead and file for divorce if she left to be with him, or if he came to be with her (she'd had an EA...hadn't had the opportunity yet to be with him physically).

Realize that during all of this, I was still showing her how much I loved her and cared for her. I did a LOT to help her cope with her depression while dealing with the withdrawl from the end of her EA. I kept myself a very viable choice for her...but I also made it clear that there would SOON be a time when she HAD to choose...and that the moment she chose him it would have been the end of our relationship.

I'm not saying that you need to do the same...but perhaps this can show you a little more clearly about what is meant in Plan A...that you're doing your best to end the affair AND make yourself the right choice for your WW to come home to.

I hope that this helps...and perhaps gives a little hope too. Because my situation DID work out...we're nearly a year and a half in recovery now.

Owl-Thanks so much. Your deal sounds alot like mine. My WW adimately claims that they have not been physical only emotional. I want to believe that. i do kinda do believe it because of my wifes prior sexual difficulties. However, we havent played in six months so who knows. Anyway, I know she is going to loose it tonight when I recall the test drive idea. But, I have to. I just can not live with myself. I think my odds on her coming home to stay are very slim. I think she may stick to her idea, and i understand that is why plan b is the next step. I have not got my letter ready, however i can not tolerate another night with her in his apartment. If i had a dollar for everytime i have heard i don't know what to do or who she wanted to be with. She wants to see if the grass is as green as he makes it look. I will not have no letter ready by tonight, so I will just have to explain my thoughts and wishes and go with it. Then depending on her actions take the next step.

No. Just do the deal with telling her she must end the affair and come home. If she says no, then end the conversation. Wait until tomorrow and get the PBL done and then send to her. Dont explain Plan B. Give her the letter so she will have it to explain to her.

There is a reason to do it all this way. Follow the steps.

In His arms.

edited, "just because".

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MM is dead on the money (as always). NEVER give your WW your battle plan!

Always try to have planned out what you're going to do...but do NOT let your WW know what you've got planned. A large part of this is in HAVING a plan that she doesn't know. It helps to jolt her out of her complacency...but if she knows what you're going to do, she'll plan accordingly...AGAINST it. Because it will be seen as 'manipulative', 'controlling'...whatever.

Write the Plan B letter NOW if at all possible. You don't have to give it to her now...but you can get it ready in case you have to later.

Tonite, tell her that you're not willing to share her with another man. Physically or emotionally. That you love her with all of your heart, and that you're not willing to give up on that and let her go spend time with someone else...she's too special for that. You're not going to give up on your marriage...and letting her 'go test drive' with him is doing exactly that. Tell her that you are FIGHTING for her, and that she's worth that fight to you. But that you're not going to just sit there and calmly accept her running off to OM...it's wrong, it is hurtful to you in the extreme, and it's contrary to what the two of you need to do in order to rebuild your marriage.

Good luck my friend.

Dazed~

One way to possibly prevent yourself from having to go to Plan B is by finishing out Plan A...which means EXPOSURE...My gut tells me that if you call that HR director tomorrow morning with the information that their Controller (OM) is having an affair with one of his subordinates, which is one of their MARRIED receptionists (your wife), you may very well blow this affair to bits by dinnertime tomorrow night...it's certainly worth a shot...If the Affair doesn't end based on this, it will certainly put pressure on it...Once you go to Plan B, your chance for exposure is really over, because then it just looks vindictive rather than it being a move to try and save your marriage...Remember, your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair...

Will you expose the affair at work tomorrow? We can help you with what to say, just ask...

Mrs. Wondering

I have always loved that line...........so true.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Update:
WW called me back a couple of minutes ago. I asked if she had any thoughts about the 21 day plan. She asked that i not beat around the bush.
I said I have been doing some thinking today about the plan. Last night was the most painful night of my life and I cannot allow you to continue. The thoughts of you at his apartment living with him is for any time I can not condon. I think that this plan will only kill our marriage not strenghten it. I want you to come home tonight. There was silence for a couple of seconds and she ask when I would be there. I said shortly after five, and she replied; I'll talk to you later, bye. Considering she works with OM, I bet they will have to meet and discuss prior to her communicating with me. I guess I'll see what happens. I will continue plan A logic until I can get the B letter done of which I'm drafting right now. Probably be done tonight, unless god blesses me and she comes home tonight.

Dazed,

What about exposure to the HR Director? Did you read my last post to you? We may have been posting at the same time...

Mrs. Wondering

Wounderings: YES PLEASE HELP... The HR director is also a married woman and mother of three. I'm hoping that will help me.
PLEASE ADVISE...
By the way.. OM is not her boss. She reports to some one else. OM is just financial accounts receivable. Sorry i was wrong about his status when I first reported.

Dazed,

You at one time stated that your W and OM were taking their "sick days" and "vacation days" together, and then just calling in sick once they had used up those...do you have those dates handy? Remember, that it's okay if your W loses her job...1. that gets no contact under way and 2. she can get another job, but she can't get another you...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W
No i do not have them handy. I will have to some home work. (Unoffically the HR assistant that keeps attendance told me about her and his shared time). Plus he moved his lunch time slot to match hers. I don't want to give up how I obtained the attendance info but, I believe the HR assist to be right. She gave me examples that did make since.

Please also realize that even if you are so called "blessed by God" and she comes home tonight, your issues are far from over......if she continues the affair, you are just talking about geography.....My cynical guess, is she is talking to the OM RIGHT NOW about "putting" the move off, because she feels you will need a little more placating.....they almost had you blessing the 21 day affair, perhaps a little more time and you are in for a serious struggle here.

You should be blowing the top of this affair with MAJOR EXPOSURE........if you aren't doing this, then how can you say you are doing "plan A logic"?

Avoiding the Plan B in your situation is like avoiding the dentist for a cavity that needs "fixing"...you can prolong and aviod it in a myriad of ways, but eventually, you fix the cavity or it "rots" out....I have a bad feeling you are looking for ways to rationalize doing what hurts, but is right.

Remember though, it is your life, and you live with the consequences of your actions, not us, so in the end, you do what you feel you gotta do.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dazed,

I have been reading along, letting the folks here give you some very good advice, little of which you have taken.

Dazed, this is really really easy. Either you fight to the death for your marriage or you don't. Right now you are NOT fighting for you marriage. Expose the A to HR, your W is a lousy employee and should be fired. OM, should NEVER be in a position of responsibility and should be fired.

YOU should have already seen a lawyer and gotten your ducks in a row for filing and obtaining custody. OM's W will upon her divorce provide evidence to his behavior and his non-suitability to be around children much less YOURS.

You are messing around and you are hurting your children. Get the darned plan B letter ready and post it, and then go to it. Dr. Harley states that the best time to go to plan B is when the WS is on the fence and your spouse is ON THE DARNED FENCE. Let OM meet her needs, abuse her, brain wash her, cost her her job, and her children, PLUS lose you.

It is what HE wants and it is WHAT SHE wants. It won't be what she wants for long, but it is now. So make life easy for her, and go to plan B, but see a lawyer about abandonment of the home, of her bring OM around the children, and filing.

Son you have done a crappy job of preparing to fight for your marriage, and hence you are reacting to everything WW says. THERE is NOTHING you WW can say that should affect you because everything coming out of her mouth is lies, even the parts you LIKE to hear. You do know how to tell she is lying don't you??? Everytime her lips move she is lying right now.

STep back, take great care of your children, protect yourself legally, and expose. That man is afraid of you and he should be. Your W is worried and she should be. Frankly, until she changes this is NOT a woman you want around your children or in your life, so step back, go to a good plan B, get with a lawyer, and DO NOT MAKE HER COME HOME. She is not ready.

Young man, this stuff is NOT rocket science. It is about fear and greed. She fears losing something and she is greedy about her happiness. Until she sorts out these things, she will act in the absolutely classical manner.

Trust me I have been reading and posting her for over 6.5 years and your W is text book. So quit reacting, and start acting in the best benefit of your children, and yourself. Let your W make up her own mind.

You have the advantage right now and you should press it. There are no half winners in this battle. Your marriage will either survive when she see the light or it will not. I don't know what Steve Harley has told you but one thing you mentioned is quit smothering her, and I would suggest in light of what she is doing now that means, plan B.

You see there is NO HOPE for you marriage if you lose your love for her, and you will quickly if you stay in the middle of the drama. Get outof the drama focus on the kids and yourself, and keep her out of your life until the A is over.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Dazed,

Okay, try to get those dates organized if you can...When you call the HR director, tell her simply that your wife is having an affair with Mr. Accounts Receivable, your marriage is very important to you, you love your wife and want to do everything you can to save your marriage. You can then say something like, "I know that as the HR Director your greatest interests lie in what is most beneficial to the company. Because of this, I felt it should be brought to your attention that my wife and MR. AR are taking not only vacation days, sick days, and long lunches together, but additional unexcused time off as well to further their affair. I'm sure you'll agree that that is a detriment to the daily operations of the company as well as it's long term benefit. I'm certain that this is unacceptable behavior to you, professionally and personally. Mrs. HR, what action will your company be taking in it's opposition to this situation?"

I'm certainly no expert, and would really like for others to chime in here about exactly how Dazed should word his interaction with the HR Department...

Mrs. W