Brutal honesty--- Okay, I want to do what is right. Obviously I love my wife. Or atleast what she was.
Tomorrow I will expose the A to there HR as everyone suggest I do.
I have talked to the best divorce lawyer in town. He claims I should file now and not wait. However, I believe she will not file first because that requires a descion. Now if I really piss her off well then, yeah she may. In Kansas ther is no legal separation unless filing for divorce whick give the first one in the pool all the temporary custody and assets.
I have not believed I'm to that point. Maybe I'm just in denile. Maybe that would wake her up to the seriousness of her actions. Please advise....
I'm working on the Plan B letter now. It will be done tonight and i will post for your review.
I will confirm my request for her to break it off with OM and come home. Presented similar to what others have suggested.
At this ten seconds what else can i do??????????????

Short answer NOTHING.

That is the point. You don't have to react to her, and you should NOT react to her. I don't mean to imply that you should be cruel to her, but frankly if the only way to protect your children from OM is to file first...do it. She has decided to leave the home and in most states that is abandonment.

Can she trust you? Well, you would think that the actions we are discussing would indicate NO. However, what you are confused about and she will NOT see is that your job is NOT to protect her while she is in an affair. IF OM is who she wants HE should be protecting her, and he is not.

The woman is out of luck right now. She has a man that loves her, but you cannot protect her from the consequences of her actions and every time she pops off about how you have made her angry, you look her in the eye and tell her quietly but firmly: "I cannot protect you from the consequences of your actions, and I WILL do whatever I can to save this marriage and that requires that I destroy this affair if I can." You repeat this calmly and precisely every time she pops off about this. You then end the tirade by walking away.

You can tell her you love her, you can even act loving when you see her, but there should be NO misunderstanding in her mind that you will not tolerate your marriage being destroyed by OM and you will do your best to show her you want her in your marriage. So if she does not want to get hit with schrapenal (sp) she should NOT stand too close to OM.

I would strongly suggest you consider filing if it means protecting your children. Talk with your lawyer. A divorce can be suspended, it can be terminated, even remarriage is possible, but you cannot UNHARM you children.

Focus on them, your W has her own decisions to make. Plus you know that OM losing his job will not hurt OM's W as she is the real bread winner.

God Bless,

JL

JL~

Would you please read my above post to Dazed regarding what to say to the HR Director and revise or completely change it? Your wisdom is always appreciated...

Mrs. Wondering

Mrs. W,

I don't see anything wrong with what you are suggesting. HR will not be able to help the marriage, but not working together might and that is the point isn't it. As for her living with OM, which she is, it won't matter if she works with him or not will it?

So while I still think that telling HR is a good idea, Dazed needs to be really focused on why he is telling, because she will blow up big time and so will OM. Getting to OM while very satisfying will NOT save the marriage, but it will end their work association.

There are consequences to these things. There is another thought and that is her job performance is so poor that she might get fired anyway. If that happens and Dazed has not exposed then he is "sort" of out of the line of fire, but he will get blamed anyway. He already is being blamed.

My take on this is if he is going to do it, he needs to stand firm on why, and not back down from W when she goes ballistic. As for OM, who cares what happens to him?

Dazed needs to speak with his lawyer again in my opinion and then go to plan B more than anything else. Further exposure will sure burst a few more bubbles in La La land. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Well, you know something? I get on here a lot and I think i make a difference. And maybe sometimes get a big head. And then I come and read my mentor's posts (Just Learning) and remember how much I have to learn...and how much I have learned from him.

Dazed, listen very closely. Do EXACTLY what JL is telling you. Why do I say this? Because this is the same things he gave me several years ago in the middle of my mess.

I wouldnt listen. I had the kids, wife moved out. JL was telling me that I probably should file to protect the kids. And go to Plan B.

Well, it took me three months of ****** until I finally gave in and filed...and issued my Plan B letter. And guess what? Almost 5 weeks to the day that I gave my wife the PBL...she was at my house asking to reconcile.

Do you hear that? I went thru 3 months of ******...and it was my own fault. I was scared. I wouldnt listen. Thought JL and others did not know what they were talking about. My wife was different from others, you see. He couldnt possibly know what she would need, could he?

But come to find out...she was EXACTLY like ever other WS. The issue as I have come to believe is not the WS...but the BS. That if left to the WS...the marriage is gone. But if the BS is a man or woman of conviction, if they are willing to do WHATEVER it takes...even stuff that hurts...even stuff that doesnt feel right...in order to save the marriage, that most of these marriages will be saved.

Many marriages that go thru adultery dont make it because of the BS!! Because they dont have the guts or the knowledge or both. Dazed, you are in a great place. You are surrounded by people who have walked where you are...who know the way and are sending back the map. But will you listen? Will you trust God and trust this.

As I said, if you want your wife back from the alien, then you will do EXACTLY as JL has said. And stay here for more help and to vent as needed.

-------------------

And for JL...as always, I am amazed at the things you say. What you wrote here was EXACTLY what he needed to hear. I continue to learn from you.

In His arms.

Thanks to you all so much. Yes, i want my wife back more than words can say. Your help is greatly appreciated. Maybe I'm so scared of making the big mistake that I can't stop making all the little ones and not really doing what needs done.
As if you had not already guest. Wife never came home or called. Yeah, her and OM are probably setting in his apartment right now planning. I'm going to go spend the rest of my evening with my kids. Once there in bed for the evening I will work on my plan and my letter. I suspect that wife will still atleast call if not stop by and tell me what she wants. I will stand my ground and let her know what i think about her living with OM. Most likely if she contacts me she will not want to her my words so she will not be staying home to reconsile.
Be back soon.
thanks again
dazed.

Dazed,

To recap what the others have said and to help you plan, the following are steps you should take--tomorrow!

1. Expose the A at their work
2. See your lawyer and file ASAP.
3. Give her the Plan B letter
4. Go Dark.

Tonight, if you can, figure out how you will workout the logistics of visitations with your WW.

Dazed,

This a PBL written by Graycloud. It is a very good one. You may want to use it and adapt it to your situation.


__________________________
Dear ________,

In all our years together, I never imagined us reaching the point where we are today. I love you more than anything else in this world, and I want to remain married to you. I am sorry for the things I did - and did not do - that helped make your infidelity possible. I look forward to a future where the parts of me that made it easier for you to turn away are gone forever.

I have told you I will always be there for you, and that I mean to forgive you. But your affair continues to inflict great pain on me. (Maybe add, "Your continued reluctance to work on our marriage inflicts grain pain on me", or something to that effect.) This pain challenges my ability to forgive you, and will eventually destroy my love for you. I know that you are also hurting and I would give anything to help ease your pain. I truly believe in forgiveness, healing, and redemption for both of us. But to preserve my love, I cannot see or talk to you any longer. If you end your affair and (maybe just omit this) choose to discuss returning to a life with me, I will welcome the discussion. Until that time, it will not be possible for me to have any contact with you.

Please respect my decision. If you need to communicate with me, please find someone in your family to pass your messages along. If there is anything you still need from the house, have this person contact me, and I will leave the items in the garage for you to pick up. I will continue to cover my part in our shared expenses as I have throughout the summer, and I trust you will do the same.

-------, my wish is for us to create a new relationship, to build a new life where each thing we do, every day of our lives, makes us both happy as it once did. My willingness to do this in the worst of times is part of the promise I made to you ___ years ago. And I do still believe in you. But right now, letting you go and distancing myself from your actions is the only way I can protect my heart. I don't do this in anger. I need to restore some normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find some measure of peace, and continue to grow as a human being.

Remember me, I'm the one who loves you.

Dazed~

That is a great letter that UVA posted for you...what you need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR about is how things will be handled regarding your two girls-when she will be allowed to see them/pick them up-how OM is NOT to see them, etc...everything must be defined to the letter, because you need to make sure that you have absolutely NO CONTACT with your WW during Plan B...also, make sure that you let her know that after her stuff is out, there will be no more coming in and out of the house...I often read Melody's posts about women trying to get their house "fix", because the house is often what a woman takes pride in...she needs to feel the full weight of the consequences of her decisions, as others have pointed out...in Plan B, you and that house do not exist for her!!!

Mrs. Wondering

Update:
WW called me at 12:15AM from OM's cell phone. She sounded near a sleep and confirmed OM could here her response. I can only guess where they were at.
I informed her that I could not accept OM having a 21 day test drive of my wife. You as my wife, I'm failing to protect you. Out of my love for you I was willing to try your idea, but after seeing how much pain this inflects I can not do this. Things will not be the same for me as a result of living with him. I don't see how this will ever strengthen our marriage, but only tear it apart. You know this type of arrangement should never happen. This arrangement should not ever happen but if it does it should not be while two people are still married. Does this make any since to you WW? (Yes). Can you tell me how both of us benefit from this arrangement? Do you think both us can? (i dont no) I said do you have any idea how hard this is for me knowing you are living with him? This is taking a far bigger toll on my love for you than I could have even imagined. I'm sure he must be right beside you so I will leave it at that.
I'm now working on plan b.

Very good. Now get your waterfowl coaxially aligned.

In His arms.

Dazed- you will feel better in plan B , believe it or not. Day to day living without all the drama, and you and especially your children will benifit greatly from not having it flaunted in your face.
Stay strong.

Dazed, I also would strongly recommend this. No warning, no threats, no anger, just do it. Talk with atty, ask that there be something about kids having no contact with OM, get it written into your filing. If you strike quickly you'll use his address as your wife's address. In most states, there are three ways to get her the paperwork. Have her served, so that she feels the full consequence. Due to the current circumstances you may be able to get the 1st hearing set into motion very quickly, not only will this give you a leg up in the divorce it will be the ultimate in bursting her fantasy bubble.

I believe you said your kids were around 12. I would recommend getting them into some type of therapy TODAY, not tomorrow, TODAY. Do this for many reasons. First and foremost, for their well-being and to get help dealing with this craziness and second the therapist can write a letter to or testify in court.

I've often heard it said that who files first doesn't matter but I've been through the courts in Kansas and it does matter, IMVHO. It sets offense and defense. With the courts changing roles on cival cases, offense is definately the place to be.

Update:
WW has emailed and called me this morning. I did not pick up or respond. WW left messages that she is coming home tonight after work. No sincerity, obviously I'm not planning on her willing to reconsile. Not sure if she is even planning on staying.
So do i allow her back in the house at any level or at this point keep her out if reconsile is not her motive. I would say that she is just returning to calm me down and buy some time. Either way it looks like Plan B. I have the letter in rough draft. I will post today for review. My lawyer is ready to spring as soon as i so go.
Please advise....

Dazed~

What's going on with...


Human Resources Exposure?


Plan B Letter?


Appointment with Attorney?


Keep us apprised...


Mrs. Wondering

Dazed~

We were posting at the same time...Go forth with Human Resources Exposure and see what happens from there...

Mrs. Wondering

Mrs. W
I had a company meeting all morning. So, I have not called WW HR yet. Yes, I will today for sure.
Plan B letter is being type set right now.
Attorney only needs me to sign a couple papers and give him more money to file.
Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I want to fight to the death for my wife and family. Do I want to turn this into a death match. (NO). At this point I have to place all my future on advise from a message board. I do have another phone call set up with Steve Harley tomorrow morning. I'm thinking I will finish exposure to there HR today. Finish my plan b letter. send it to Steve for review and take his advise on my next step. Does that sound like an acceptable plan?

Dazed~

That sounds just fine...Call HR RIGHT NOW...There's no time like the present...get the ball rolling so we know what's next...

Relying on people here is a good thing, we've all been there in some form or another, who better to help you? I truly believe that God works miracles on this forum-Marriage is God's Institution, Marriage Builders promotes and offers help in maintaining that institution...I believe God is very present here...Trust God Dazed, you're doing good...

Mrs. W

Excellent Plan of action Dazed!

Call HR immediately. Use the script UVA gave you.

She's stringing you along with the "coming home tonight" stuff, just like she did with the "calling" you last night.
Trying to buy more time with OM.

(you made a comment about not thinking this was a physical affair..<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />..ummmm, I would bet my children on it.)

Dazed- I can gurantee that it has gone PA. My Ww said the same things,etc. When she confessed, she couldn't even tell me the truth then, it was weeks after d-day that I found out the depths of their PA.