Here's the deal.

YourWW IS SPOILED...SHE IS ACTING LIKE A ROTTEN CHILD!

I don't believe she is home for good. the apartment ads in her purse show she is still locked into the fantasy world.

SHE IS CAKEATING LIKE MAD!

I honestly believe that this woman would do anything to get to have best of both worlds...a OM to take care of her "womanly" needs and feel romance...and a H to fix things...buy her a car...

Actions at school were so she can get way and get a car. And have you thought that maybe she deliberately wanted an outburst so OM's mom could "witness it" and she could once again be the "torn wife...living with a demanding and evil H".??? I believe the school scene was preconceived. Planned.

I see her fantasy life and "get it"...she wants a love nest w/om. New Car. New apartment. And gets EN's fulfilled by playing you both. When OM is not giving her attention she wants, she will call you up and cry and confess her "mistakes".

If a WS comes home and wants to work on a marriage...then why would they secretly...I mean SECRETLY be looking for another dwelling?

Again, this woman has no concept as of rock bottom as of yet.

She has no clue that 10 an hour can get you in life. She thinks apartments and cars and stuff like that?

She has to hit bottom....the high's are what keeps a WS a WS...

I know this. My xh has not yet hit rock bottom...almost impossible b/c of his income. It will have to be a personal crisis I believe. But that day imho is coming!

I have wanted to tell you this...I believe she says only what you want to hear...so that you will continue to see she's fed and clothed. She is pretending my friend to be torn...

I think she knows what she wants.

And you have to open the door to let her find it. And hit rock bottom...and not be there to save her.

Plan B is not just about saving your love. It is about saving your sanity and respect. I also like the "b" approach that love must be tough encourages.

You can feed her more cake...and feed her fantasylife..or feed her a dose of reality...called how to live on 10 an hour when you've time and again abandoned your family.

It is still all about her. I believe her fog is still present..never had chance to leave.

UVA- Okay here is my reason for my offer to help her find another car. 1) My offer to help now ends her continued line of crap about me not helping her with her car. It ends the conversation that she usually tries to leverage me into a fight with. I'm preventing another fight. Will she take me up on my offer? I think that's a snow ball's chance in hhell of happening. She is a very stubborn women that will not accept anything from me right now. It's in her capacity to be a huge _itch that enjoys a good argument but, she has always had to much pride to accept hand outs.
2) Me offering to help find her a car shows compassion and I care for her. The truth is, her car is really broken. The engine is burning water and pumping it out on the ground. The car over heats when driven more than five miles at a time. Do I plan on paying for it if she took me up? No, she would not let me anyway. She has already talk to our banker about getting a loan in her name only. She learned she can't afford the payment on a car she wants. Again she is learning what kind of major life style changes she is facing by leaving me. The guy that paid for everything for 15 years. The same guy that she tells people never bought her anything and she never had money to spend. ha ha. Her $10 an hour will not buy her the car she wants or the style of apartment she wants. Where can you buy a five your old house or newer, drive a Lexus or Lincoln LS, dress in new trendy cloths, where the finest make up, make regular trips to the salon, eat at good restaurants on a $10 an hour job? She's now trying to figure that out.
I curious about what is going on with OM and fantasy island. I think his last day at there work place is today. I wish I new where he was going to work at. The city we live in is not that big. Good chance I know some one that can help me where ever he has landed. I sure would like to help him start his new job off on the right foot. lol
Oh-yah I set up an appointment for the WW to take our dog to the vet over her lunch break. Again, trying to keep her busy over lunch to avoid possible contact with OM.
UPDATE-
WW is really poed with me. She is learning that the damage she has done to DD12 will not be healed over night just by mommy returning home. DD12 is still angry with her and hurt. WW is so stupid she thinks I'm to blame for DD12 not being happy with her cheating, lieing, promise breaking mommy. I believe that WW is punishing me for her return trip home. She made no attempts to leave or contact OM last night. WW is very angry and standoffish right now. I did not fight with her last night at all. She tried to goad me several times and she said a lot of typical fog babble. I didn't give in. Instead me and daughter ate dinner by ourselves. We invited WW, she declined. We watched tv in the other room together, after WW told me she did not want me in the same room with her. That went along way to make DD12 feel good about her. lol. DD12 asked me for permission to go to a friends house Friday and spend the night while WW was standing there. That POED WW. She got mad because she is no longer in charge of the household. WW rambled off more crap at me about being super dad and she is just a piece of _hit. DD12 and me had a friendly conversation about plans for the week end and how her day went. That POED WW too. WW says she is now a stranger in our house and to our DD12. I suggested she join us and be a part of what we are doing this week end. She turned me down. I encouraged her to be a part of what me and DD12 wanted to do this week end. She declined.
WW finally had enough when she asked DD12 go to Wal-mart with her around 8pm. DD12 turned her down saying she would rather chat with her friend on the phone about the week end and a birthday party she is going to. WW could not understand why DD12 is not just jumping for joy to be with her. WW accussed me of turning DD12 against her again. I just said, I'm sorry you feel that way. DD12 loves you very much. She is just hurting. Give her time to heal and earn her trust. WW aske me to leave the room. I did, then WW shortly there after went up to bed for the evening.

Dazed,

You said

Do you see the part I put in bold? Well look at it carefully and tell me you really think this will end her fighting with you. You are a fool if you think that. She has learned that when she fights with you, cheats on you, YOU reward her. So guess what she is doing and will do in the future? Got a clue? I sure do, the same thing because it works. Next you say
So if she is going to pay for it, why do you need to be involved with the car? Give me a break. If she is going to pay for it, then she doesn't need you. If you are she does.

Guess which way this is going? At $10/hr it is hard to imagine she is going to get much of a loan, unless someone co-signs for it. Got any clues who might do that? YOU??? OM???? Hello, it is time for plan B or at least some serious boundaries.

Wake UP!

God Bless,

JL

Well, I would have bluntly asked WW to put herself in DD's shoes for a bit. How would SHE feel about what's been going, how WW has treated her, how the entire family life is disrupted by what's been going on???

I'd tell her that I'm not doing it to make her feel 'guilty'...but that in order for her to start healing this rift between her and DD she needs to understand WHY DD is acting this way, instead of simply assuming that it's all YOUR fault.

She needs to understand that you're not doing ANYTHING...you might even ask her how/what SPECIFICALLY you're doing to undermine your wife's relationship with DD?

Do all of this in a calm tone of voice, and do NOT get angry no matter what she says or does. Again, one of the BEST tactics to deal with someone like this is to keep getting quieter and quieter every time she starts yelling. Force her to LISTEN for your responses...take time after she finishes her shouts to frame your responses, and do so QUIETLY and CALMLY. Seriously, take it to just above a whisper (sotto voice is good)...and keep it there for as long as she continues her tirades.

This will eventually start to drive her nuts, and will point out where all the ANGER is really coming from.

We had similar issues for a while with my DD18 when my wife returned to the house after ending her EA. She left the house for about a week (was living in a motel in our area) while pending flying away to meet and live with OM. Our daughter was MAD at my wife...went into our bedroom and packed up all of her stuff within the first two days of my wife being out of the house. Refused to have almost anything to do with my wife for about two months afterwards. And I REFUSED to let my wife put the blame for that on me while she was still in the fog...just wasn't going to happen. I used the tactics I described above...and after a while it started to work.

Hang in there. Keep NC in place, and continue to plan A as best as you can without LB's...she should eventually come out of the fog and slowly you'll see her come back from the mother ship.

Touche! Rewards for baaaaad behaviors!

That's what you'd be doing.

Again, she needs to hit rock bottom.

Let OM buy her a car.

If she wants the apartment,OM, car, etc...call up the guy and see if he's financially able to support her and also to make sure if both of them are able financially to PAY you child support of DD.

LEt's see how mr. wonderful does this!

How does Ms. Wonderful do this on 10 an hour?

OM is gladly allowing you to do the money handouts. Heck, it's less he has to worry about. You do the money thing for WW...he does the other stuff.

Please let her hit rock bottom.

I do not think she is out of the fog or anywhere close.

Be prepared and have plan B ready in back pocket. Her swift departure could come at any time.

She is being downright mean, nasty, and not at all helpful to a peaceful family environment. Her actions while in the home towards your DD shows me a woman who does not want to be part of a family at all. She is nothing but resentful.

She is destroying your peace. She can't eat, participate, or do anything productive right now. And it is sad...your daughter is seeing all this happen.

My fear is that you'll be at a counselor for your DD soon if this keeps up! She's dealing with issues now faaaaar beyond what a child that age should have to deal with.

Plan B imho is looming closer. When it's time, WW needs to be put out of home. And the OM needs to pay for her and see how fast that 10 an hour can keep W happy. I'd file for temporary custody and a sep. agreement. Make WW and OM pay for CS!

If she dreams of a lexus and clothes, and a fancy apartment...she'd better wake up.

I swear...reading about her is like reading about a 15 year old girl. She is extremely immature in her fantasy thinking.

I knew you all would kick me...
I'm not paying for a car. I know she will not even pursue it. She is just wanting to fight and change the history books to make the be the bad guy and justify her screwed up way of thinking and justify her sleezy so called EA with OM.
Here is something to think about...
OM's divorce hiring is November 7th. Should I try to contact OM's soon to be EXW and see if there is anything I can provide her to help before the hiring. The last I knew she was going to pay him 11k to close the deal.
Knowing WW has no only 100-500 dollars in her checking account at any time, 2500 credit open on plastic. Maybe WW is dreaming of OM financing her for a place to live or divorce attourney. However, I was told by OM's soon to be exw, that OM was going to use that money to either pay for his truck that is in her name or a down payment on the crapy apartment that he is living in that his daddy owns.
OM's exw told me his is real bad with money so who knows what he has planned.
I'm sure i will learn a lot more about WW and OM's status this week end. Now that all her stuff is home. I don't think she has went a week end with out him since D-day.
Which leads me to a question i have had for some time now.
Why did there affair step it up a level or two after d-day?
After I confronted her, proved to her I knew. Exposed them to family and friends. It was that week end she first spent the night with him in his apartment. I know of only one other night they might have spent the entire night together. I asked WW this and she could only look at me with a stupid look on her face.
got to go for now
Dazed..

Dazed,
Don't think that everyone is ready to give you the boot. When I read your post I did not think that you had offered to buy the car, only to help her look for one. I do not see the problem in that.

As for your question...stay out of the OM divorce. First of all it really has nothing to do with you and second anything you do on that front is going to be construed by your wife as prying, controlling, and provide reason for her to keep up with the us against them fantasy. That is probably also part of the reason for her running to him after exposure. It was suddenly them against the world, which it seems did not take long for her to figure out was not so peachy.

A question here....do you have your ducks in a row? Have you a plan in place for the 'if this happens then this is what I will do'? That will take a lot of pressure off if you have this in place. Also what happened with your lawyer?

This is my plan.
Practice plan A on her for as long as six months or until affair has ended. If affair is still on after six months, move to plan B. Her early exit from the house to his apartment presented some obvious problems to my plan A and forced me to seek legal council and Plan B. Actually I have paid for the divorce. Even the sheriff fee to serve her. The only thing lacking is my name on the dotted line. My lawyer adviced me that he believes i should file. However, he claims to never give advice but. He can tell that my heart is not into it and it appears that she must be on the fence herself. His last words to me was, for you and your daughter it is in your best interest to file for the divorce, seek full custody and all the assets. If you are not 100% ready to never be with this woman ever again and or you feel she will not harm you or your child, then wait.
WW has moved all her stuff back home this week. So, I'm back to plan A. I do not know what to do from here. The obvious what if scenario's are:
1) She does not end affair:
1a) I catch her with him again:
1b) I catch her on our home phone with him again:
2) She is only home for her daughter, and does not want to work on the marriage:
3) She leaves home again:
4) She ask me to leave our home:
5) She files legal sep or divorce on me:
6) She becomes violent again on me or daughter:
I need to work on planned responses to these possible events. At this time I don't have a plan for them.
Also setting up rules and boundries have not happened. She is still very angry with me. She is blamming me for the problems in our marriage, problems at he work, Problems with our friends and family, Problems with daughter, and now I think with OM. We all know that is WW fog and is expected. However, she is not ready to work on our marriage not to mention have rules placed on her. She is currently at a girl friends house. Atleast this one is married and from WW's comments is pro-marriage and has recommended she come back and work on our marriage. She had told WW the perks to coming back. Like he is ready to love you the way you have always wanted. Before WW left she told me she was not going to see OM and not to worry she would be coming back tonight. Well just to check her out, I have ran servailance on OM's place ever since 10 minutes after WW left. OM is home alone in is daddys apartment. Yeah, she may be on the phone with him from the girl friends, but that is better than in his love nest. I personally think not everything is peachy in fantasy land at OM's. I think that is why she is so angry with me. I think she is only home out of default right now and is trying to punish me for bursting the fantasy island bubble. Maybe I reading to much into it, but I think her behavior supports this theory. If she was angry with OM or ready to can him, I think she would be warm towards me not really angry with me. I think I'm the bad guy that has ruined her little fantasy life. Keep in mind she is not a fighter when the going gets tough she's a quiter. She is stubborn and hard headed, but she also has no capacity for pressure or stress. She is a light load person that would rather run from work than jump in and get it done.
I think that is the way she is looking at our marriage. There is so much work and repair needed for us to heal. I think she is trying to decide if she can just quit and start over or stay and face all the work. Knowing her this is a thought she is thinking. She told me just today. I love you and will forever. I care about you and worry about how you are and if you can take care of yourself, our daughter and the house. It's just that so many things have been done and said. I just don't know if i can face it all. Not right now.
This is where I'm at. Everyones advice is much appreciated.
Thanks
Dazed

Well i'm and idiot... what else can i say. She made me a fool once again.
I just caught her with him in a parking lot. She dropped her car after leaving the house. She has spent the entire evening in his apartment. While watching his place, little did i know she was already inside. They came out at 12:30am to take her back to her car dropped across town. I waited till they made it to the drop point. Then approched them as they sat in his truck. I would have liked to shot the ****** but i remained calm and peacefull and waited for her to get out of his truck. Told her to go home. Then just spent the last 1-1/2 calmly lecturing her about what she is doing to herself, her daughter and me. I explained how imoral this is, disrespectful they both are, and how she is addicted to this man. I some how remained calm for the most part. I did some yelling and love bustering as soon as we got in the house but soon calmed and just explained what she is doing. I did not demand but suggested she find a IC asap to help her. Also, suggested we both meet with a MC to research and see if there is a chance. I also suggested she start NC now and we do a 3 month plan to give us one last shot. Then at the end of 90 days, we don't see any progress or hope, she can see if her addiction is indeed true love (yuk) then she can go be with the loser. Jeezzz what should i do now. Was i to nice. I feel like I should have pulled his [censored] out that truck beat him down, and kicked her _hit to the curb, call the lawyer in the morning and giter done.
I suspect tomorrow she will hit the road again... I guess i will see.
I'm so poed right now. I want to beat some one or something just to feel better. God i need your help. You know my wife was my best friend, for that matter the only one i took personal issue to. I have no one to vent this stuff to. Thank god Daughter is not home tonight. You know i'm actually weighing the cost vs. reward of beating that puke into a warm pile of _hit. I know he's driving by my house right now. If i got him to stop and got him on my property then its on like donkey kong.
Dazed

I am not gonna do any 2x4'ing.

But what I am gonna say is this.

What you are doing NOW is NOT working.

You catch her and lecture her for 1.5 hours like a child?

I will suggest you stop this stuff and do a quickie 48 hr plan a beginning today.

And on monday...turn to B and kick WW to the curb.

Do you see what she's doing? She is lying to both of you!

She can't get one story straight and uses friends to lie for her or either involves them involuntarily in her lies.

She can't do NC...she has NO MOTIVATION TO DO THAT! How many times has she said 1)I am so sorry I am hurting you...I don't know what to do or 2)not participated in family events or even lied to your DD?

She COULD do NC if the woman had MOTIVATION TO DO SO.

Motivation for this woman would be ROCK BOTTOM.
I would calmly say say...tomorrow to your WW...let's go to lunch. I need to talk to you. Then say nothing else all morning.

I would spend all of today when I was not plan A'ing writing the letter...the PBL.

Tomorrow at lunch I would be kind, gentle, and make it as though you are "breaking up with her"....she'd take it less easily this way. I'd tell her you love her, but this whole stench of the affair is NOT making YOU a good person anymore. And that YOU need time alone because this has been so damaging and that your D needs to not be exposed to this anymore b/c the trauma is just so much...I would tell her that you expect her to leave on monday morning and that she is not welcomed in your home unless she agrees to the content of the letter you are giving her..and is able to do so for 3 months.

I would end this in saying that OM can pay for all this. He can walk in my shoes for a while and I hope he likes it all. We can't take anymore. I'd say that this is only way you can deal with this now. That she's had time after time to prove her honesty and integrity and that she cannot.

She is like a runaway 15 year old girl. Running her...doing sob story to OM...getting EN's filled up...then feeling guilty and running back...getting few remaining EN's filled up by you and DD...and then SHE NEEDS A FIX AND IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH ON HER OWN TO DO SO...

You can't lecture to somebody.

REPEAT: WS DO NOT RECEIVE LECTURES OR MB'ING STUFF WELL...IT IS A FACT...WHEN THEY'RE WAYWARD YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO AND TALK TO A POTATOE.

You are also hugely lb'ing her by taking on role of parole officer, judge, and sadly of all...her father.

That will be how she is perceiving you right now...controlling, domineering, and she will rebel.

I know you want to control this...BUT MAN YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL WHAT YOU DO...YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR WW.

The only way to make this affair crash is to force her hand.

If she wants that 10 an hour job, the apartment fantasy, the new car, the I want this...that...and OM too..well give him to her! Let's give him an unstable WW! Let's see how he does!

I would also visit my lawyer to make sure that we get sep. papers filed. NOT divorce, just separation.

I would still file and state OM's NAME IN THEM...as one reason...another I'd file is emotional cruelty. And I would legally make sure OM can't get around DD.

I would also further expose and let OMW know what he has done and is doing...find family members of OM and expose to them.

She wants this insanity...she wants to rip her family apart...she wants to have cake...then let her have it.

I tried gently to tell you what she was up to. She is full blown living the fantasy right now. She had her little apartment clippings in her purse...she picked a fight about a vehicle...(which she stupidly wants YOU to pay for) and she picked fight at OM's mom's school where she could likely provoke a scene thus further turning you into an "ogre" type husband.

This has taken a turn I don't like my friend.

With your grasping for control, you're losing grip of the situation...it is now controlling you.

Make your home peaceful and happy. How many times can I say it? Your WW is destroying it for your DD too. She has had NO motivation to change. And you can't force it...But you can take actions on your end to stop the insanity and lies and upheaval.

There comes a time when you gotta say, "this is NOT working".

Einstein's definition of insanity: keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the outcome to be different.

That is what you are trying to do. Well maybe a little longer plan A...and you discuss scenarios why It may not work...a 1a and 1b and so on...

This is up to you. I know it is. Nobody can say or make YOU do anything either. I am just seeing and maybe it's because I am a woman too, but I think I have good perception what and why she is doing what she is doing. Us females as I would suspect, have different ways to attack a male as a WS. I wouldn't know as I've not been wayward, but I've heard and know what my xh's owmen used to do. And say...and act.

I'd make today as good as possible. Towards evening, I might actually begin getting some boxes out ...or wash all her dirty clothes. AGain, sweet..but will make her think ..that is if she even is home.

And then again, this is saturday. WW may want to just simply NOT come home at all. Sat night is party night right? She may just not feel like it. Either way, she gets the talk and the boot and the LETTER.

You must think of your child now. I am so sorry for her pain. But as her RESPONSIBLE parent YOU MUST PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST NOW SINCE YOUR WW IS DAMAGING HER..Do you want your daughter dealing with this woman day to day? Please get your DD into IC with a loving and faith centered counselor. I am worried sick about DD!

Now take some appropriate actions and deal with this horrible WW of yours. I am sorry to say horrible. I am referring to her actions.

I don't know what tools this woman has got to use, but darn it! I wish i knew! She's capable of having not one man...but two eating out of the palm of her hand.

justpeachy - Are you Dan Quayle in real life? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Dazed - She is right on.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-not that my spelling is any butter.

Post deleted by UVA

By the way, I would follow up on Justpreachy's advice by filing on Monday, so you can be on the best footing legally for any potential custody battles. For if you kick her out, she may file first against you and try to get you to leave your home.

Remember, you can always reconcile later...when she is ready.

Ok...Mr. Wonderings my friendly neighbor... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do lean towards right...literally...and used to think I wanted to marry a lawyer...ala Dan! My college bf was one..

POTATO..OR TOMATO..OR POTATOE...OR TOMATOE...?

And UVA..gently I will say this..

Dazed is NOT a fool. He is a man desperate to save his family.

He is going about it the wrong way though.

Now Dazed...

Just get angry after reading what I wrote...then think on it.

You cannot let emotions run on you. And all the good advice in the world can't help WW now.

Dobson, in Love Must Be Tough, gives a diagram of literally what happens when one partner is cheating and considering leaving...the betrayed partner clings even more tightly to the cheating partner...and thus, repelling away the cheating partner. Dobson says to let cage door fly open! Give em' waht they want. Like Plan B. I did combo of both. And Dobson is a Christian psychologist whom I respect very much...not anti family or anti faith what he says to do either.

Your only hope is to let her go. Let OM pay for everything...I mean EVERYTHING. You write up a darn good pbletter...take wifey to lunch tomorrow. Wear a great looking outfit...and do the wierd things around house tonight...like get her clothes washed etc...you're really packing them up...she doesn't get it yet.

Tomorrow at lunch, tell her that you want her to take some MORE time off work (since the affairees have probably already squandered time off to have affair)so that she can pack and move out when YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT HOME. That she will do it tomorrow morning.

That she is not welcome in your home until she meets conditions of your plan B letter. And if she is never ready...then you are fully prepared to go on with your life and search for a real princess to spoil...and somebody who can treat your daughter as a princess as well!

WW needs to wake up and smell the coffee...

I think she is a particularly bad WW because of the emotional and mental trauma she has put you and your daughter through. Now I am not siding with OM..but she has most likely played him too and he has no idea what is truth vs. what is reality with her. She has probably painted you as an ogre, overbearing, no sex, all that stuff. I know ...my xh actually told an OW...told her that he ahd been divorced...had SOLE custody of my child...and that I was locked in an insane asylum...and that it ws a real tragedy what HAPPENED TO ME...and that he's been alone all this time with A LIVE IN NANNY!

Wow. Not only was I the live in nanny in XWH's fantasy, but I was also locked away in an insane asylum as well! Anybody that knows me...can say definitely the opposite! I druge housework...and I was elected state prez of my medical society and served 2 years as prez...it's kinda hard to attempt to do that and work if you're in the home for wackaloons!

See how they lie and spin? I mean...the ow found my wedding portrait (which is gorgeous and still on display 9 years later at the photographer back in TN..)and said "Oh my God...she's so pretty."

So he created a story to go along with that. A great tragedy where he had to pick up his life and move on...divorce his insane yet lovely bride...get full custody of his son...work about 70 hours a week...and rely on a full time nanny to run things. Oh poor prince charming!

BLEEEEEEEEEEECH!

See the WS? Do you see how it's done yet? Smoke and mirrors to both YOU and the OM...and to your D.

You can't change her..

YOU CAN CHANGE THE WAY YOU'RE LIVING YOUR LIFE AND STOP THE WW INSANITY AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Ok, I retract the "fool" part. It may have been too harsh. I apologize for it. And yes, I understand the pain and confusion that go with dealing with a WS. Nonetheless, Dazed needs to wake up and make the hard the decisions that will give him a chance to save his M, since that's what he really wants in the end.

He does want this! He sure does.

But he's going about it all the wrong way...again...change my darn name here to PREACHY instead of Peachy!

Thank you for your kind retraction. He does need encouragement...and his WW needs the boot!

Dazed...please try to know we just want you to try what has NOT been done...and maybe only effective thing.

She's struggled with this choice for months now...it's time to move past plan A. And I think you've done a good job with it...well...until you caught her, drug her home, and lectured to her for 1.5 hours.

You'd best end with a good plan A...and lunch.

Please also realize, that more controlling behaviors from you...will be perceived as LB's...and some women would and could get an RO against you for it. Especially if she feels threatened. Don't put it past OM to place that thought in her head. You need to be there for child. Only way WW gets child, is for Dad to be deemed unfit...or violent!

Get it???

I am saying to THINK NOW...NO TIME FOR REACTIONS...JUST THINKING.

I'd apologize to her. I'd be kind, sweet, loving, and be the best H you can be if she is home now. Then I'd lower the boom tomorrow afternoon at lunch.

Do not give this woman any leeway ok? She does not need it...

Think now. You have to show her the darkness she has created...the sucking black hole! You could at some point in near future be her lighthouse.

But she must bottom out first.

And you must not let WW get upper hand...and not appear domineering or pushy or borderline violent..or she could in her fog...decide to place RO on you! Lots of women do this...even OW do it!

peach-
Thank you for kicking me and providing directions to help lead me out of my fog. UVA-- I am a fool. Love fool for my lost wife. Yes, that does little to help me know.
Today WW left me very little oppourtunity to plan A. She says I handeled this all wrong, and turned everyone against her so she just wants out now. She says she would rather just start over her life than try to repair us. She attacked me for every short coming in her life again this morning before her sister called. Her sister tried to give her perspective of her imoral affair and how she is breaking daughters heart. That just turned into a huge shouting match over the phone. After about 10 rounds and hanging up on each other, WW mother calls to see how she is doing. Great timing. She exploded on her mother accusing her of dragging all ker skeletons out of the closet for her entire family to know about. Very bad stuff i might add.
That phone call ended in WW telling her mother she was never going to be seen from again and not to worry. WW began to attact me and accuse me of doing all this to her. I remained calm and setting down the whole time. She told me this is why she wants out. She can not deal with all this and would rather just forget we all ever existed. She even said i could just have daughter and asked that i take good care of her and try to find a new wife that would love her like her own. WW actually said maybe she can have another baby that will love her. About that time the police knocked on the door. WW mother called them to make sure she was not going to hurt herself and make sure we were not fighting. WW tried to hide and not talk to the officer, however I let the officer in and WW had to visit with her. She told the police that she never said that stuff and to tell her mother that she is 32 years old and don't need her watching over her. Officer asked me in private if she was stable or not, I replied border line at best. She filled out a report witch really poed WW. After that WW took a shower and left.
I will complete my PLB tonight, give it to her either tomorrow or Monday morning before see is legally served.
I'm now off to spend the evening with my daughter at her cousins birthday party.

Good! She is angry and unstable! Exposure has worked well because it PO'd her to the max! And the police report is good for your custody issue if it comes to fruitition.

I told you she'd use last night as an excuse to run.

She is BLOWING SMOKE ABOUT NOT BEING HEARD FROM AGAIN AND THE BABY PART.

It is spin and blame and she's trying to gain sympathy for herself...Poor me WW... My mean evil H told everybody my dark little secret! My Daughter is mad at me! My family thinks I am a harlot and a horrid mother as well as amoral! Nobody likes me. I have NO CHOICE BUT TO RUN INTO HOME OF MOM. (married other man)'

The comment about the baby was below the belt btw.

Very tacky of her...well come to think about it, everything she does as of now is tacky.

Now OM INHERITS THIS WOMAN! Oh what a loving gem she is! Screamingh, crying, freaky, and unstable! Plus she has little money.

Let them live on affair love and 10 bucks and hour!

Let them plan their little future. No child support in the WW fantasy for her car or her apartment now! No. She's a mother who abandoned her own child! She's unstable in eyes of law~

Deliver letter. Serve her.. Ask for full custody. Go totally dark. Do NOT give in to her.

People who cry for help are notoriously NOT the ones who do anything to themselves btw. It is all to gain some leverage over you and she's so desperate now it's crazy!

I would have all her bags packed, makeup, everything she "needs" and have it sent over to OM home tomorrow morning. Let him meet her unstable needs.

She will be shaking in her boots come tuesday I guarantee you!

DO NOT ACCEPT A HASTY RECONCILIATION...THIS WOMAN IS EXCEPTIONALLY WAYWARD AND NEEDS TO WORK HER WAY HOME IF IT IS TO EVER BE...

This could go either way...and you need to accept it. Thankfully WW is digging her own legal grave right now and it secures the fact your DD will be with you custody wise. That's good. Who wants their kids around unstable wayward people anyway? I wish I had the option you have gotten now. Mine was due to bad timing and fact darth has a gazillion times more money than me. But I still have a bit more than he does custody wise...and am waiting for one more fatal flaw from him before I start up again with doing what is right.

This story reads like a soap opera plot. You let yourself get walked all over, she's out banging the other guy nightly, vebally abusive to your kid, and yet you still want her back? All this plan A or B stuff is fogging your brain. get the lawyer, kick her out, and file for divorce.

LOL......at the post above... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> it's not funny ofcourse......but this is a really perfect example of how people miss the boat with "fighting for their marriage" and at the costs of any self respect or self dignity...This is being a doornat, and is NOT MARRIAGE BUILDING or a quest for PERSONAL RECOVERY. This is beyond anything resembling healthy...

Not much else to add.

The original poster doesn't "get it" and has been given excellent advice over and over again, and yet he insists on doing things "his way"...so he will continue to get "his results".

Sad, but it is reality.

You cannot help people who don't want to help themselves.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />