WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS ON HOLD???

I want to know this also?? Dont tell me you pulled defeat from the jaws of victory again.

In His arms.

You guys may see I posted early enough that I thought Dazed would come back last night with more information to make a better determination on the adjournment issue. I was following the thread and kinda changed my mind on the issue but Dazed never come back. Oh well...whats done is done.

Dazed...I would be careful about WW trying to be supermom for the next few weeks. When is the hearing adjourned to??? If she does not get on board with recovery this must be the last time you accomodate her legally. As pointed out by others...this is her legal case and she can withdraw the petition of divorce and finally choose to reconcile anytime she wants.

Be sure to journal how difficult this adjournment decision was to you as you wished to be accomodating and perhaps save your marriage versus your duty and desire to protect your daughter from WW immoral behavior and OM. Even state the fear that WW might try to be supermom this week to "con" the judge that she is no longer an unfit parent.

Also, I believe your 12 y/o daughter is going to counseling. Does your attorney want a report from the counselor??? Can or will the counselor provide a written report stating your DD desire to stay with you over mom??? Was your attorney planning to have DD appear in court and state her desire to the judge??? These are important things to wrap up in the coming weeks before the hearing...it's not like DD is an infant. Her feelings and desires should be considered by the judge. You should at least be documenting your daughters feelings in your journal (which I believe you are doing).

What do others think of Dazed asking his daughter to write out her feelings on the issue??? She is 12 and the Judge's decision will ultimately effect her life. Could she be asked to answer this question?

If you could tell the judge all your feelings and thoughts exactly the way you wanted to say it, without any time constraints or pressure from either parent what would you say about your parents possible divorce, especially as it relates to custody of you?

Maybe it is completely wrong to force a child to choose. I don't know. Maybe present this question to the counselor and he/she can discuss it with DD and make a written account for the court.

Mr. Wondering

Stop being so available to her.
Stop following her around the house.

You need to start withdrawing yourself.

You are way to accessable to her, she's just using it to pick fights with you. Let her come to you.

She fights with you -- then she can HONESTLY tell OM how AWFUL it is with you and her, fighting all the time...blah blah blah.

You just put the D on hold...there by giving her what she wants...the chance to undermine all that you've done.

She's showing no true signs of remorse, no true signs of ending her A, no true movement forward at all...and you still put the D on hold???

I agree with all the advice you've been given. Quit being so giving to her...start taking care of yourself and your family. I've heard it said here before that women don't love a man they don't respect...and you're not doing anything here that would rebuild that respect.

Try taking a clear stand, with non-negotiable boundaries, and sticking to it.

Putting the D on hold is going to bite you in the behind...because right now she knows she's going to lose...so NOW she's going to take all of the time you've just given her to build her case up...what you've done is nothing more than appeasing her, which is really DETRIMENTAL to your efforts of rebuilding your marriage...not helpful.

Start sitting down and thinking about the long term consequences of anything you do...and start looking at the bigger picture, not just focusing on your wife's theatrics of the moment.

Not bashing you here friend...a minor 2x4 to hopefully give you a wake up call in what's going to happen if things continue the way they are.

I'm not sure Dazed put it on hold. I think his WW did yesterday.

Lexxxy-Mort-Mr.W- and others-
I really appreciate your help. I do value your opinion.

Okay-She put her attourney on hold. Mine is on call today to proceed. Okay...
I want to know why she put hers on hold. I believe I need to here her explaination for it.

Please, don't take this wrong or as an insult to everyone. Please help me understand okay.... How do I portray myself as the one fighting to save a marriage by pushing my end of the divorce and asking my attourney to continue on with out at least entertaining her reason for her to stop?
I totally agree the longer I wait the closer i get to losing everything in a court room. I KNOW THIS.

I am confused about my course of action and plan here. I want to do what is best. I want to save my wife from this piece of $hit and rebuild my family.. I want this more than anything in the world, I do.

I just don't understand how taking the lead on the divorce process fits into my plan A approach. This seems inconsistant to me. I know many of you think I should have scrapped plan A a long time ago. Dr. Harley is the only thing that has kept me from it. She does not believe in me. She said it two days in a row now. She thinks I am not for real. How does knocking her out of the way to the court house and taking the lead for divorce support what I have been trying to get her to believe in me.
MAYBE YOU ALL ARE RIGHT!... I am really struggling with this. Yes, she has not shown any signs of stopping the limbo of hers other than holding on her processing of the divorce. I think this is a descion that will change my life for ever. Of course it is dam hard.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

YES, SHE CALLED OFF THE HER LAWYER YESTERDAY...Please, remember she is the one that went in and filed papers with her lawyer. My lawyer called me yesterday afternoon telling me that they have not turned anything into the court and her lawyer said, her client told her everything is on hold and she does not want to proceed.

Okay...never mind what I just posted. I edited here because I see that it was your wife that shut it down.

In His arms.

From my perspective, it's pretty obvious that her ONLY reason for putting the D on hold is to use this time to destroy your case against her.

She's not showing any signs of repentence, willingness to work things out, nothing.

Knowing that her only intent in putting this on hold is to build her own case against you, it leaves you with one of two options.

One...don't let her put it on hold. Since you've already got the stronger case, and she's not made ANY commitment to you, the family, your marriage, towards ending things with OM, towards improving her own life, etc..., you're acting in the best interests of your children by removing this threat to their stability and safety.

Two...let her put it on hold, but make her do so under SPECIFIC conditions, as documented jointly by your lawyers. NC with OM...document what contact consists of, what violations would be, and what the consequences of violating those conditions would be (use this to negotiate for set period of NC to create withdrawl in your wife). Set a specific time for proceedings to be placed on hold for this 'evaluation phase'...and make it no less than three months. Use this to ensure that your wife begins acting like a human being again. Use it to force her to take the actions that she needs to take anyway...NC, MC, accountability, etc...and for the set time period you need. Negotiate this through the lawyers so that it has TEETH.

That's the choices I see at least. The trick would be to have your lawyer spin it in such a way that it appears that this is the best possible way for her to prove herself as a fit wife and mother. And make it seem that if she doesn't agree to these conditions, then she's clearly not wanting to be a fit wife and mother.

It no longer enables her to have her cake and eat it to. She has to hit bottom and if you stand in the way of her hitting it, she'll simply drag to down with her. She needs to feel the natural consiquences for her actions. It has to be so real that she can see it through the fog.

On another front, while she may profess to hate you, she'll also respect you for doing the right thing for the kids and fighting for the family.

What would Monday be, a temp orders hearing and start the 60 day clock ticking on the divorce? I would say go through with it with both barrels. Mortar and the others have offered some awesome insight on what this does to her. But, also, you have to look at the bigger picture and that is if things don't work out, right now y'all are in the best position to strike. It's kind of a win-win situation in a sad way.......

Yes, she did shut it down. For me to continue I will need to file and serve her, thus taking the lead on the divorce.
Maybe she wants this.
That was a concern of mine. This way she saved vanity points with herself, and daughter and friends. She becomes the victim to me the controling husband that must not really want to save the marriage.
SEE MY DELIMA....
I totally agree LEXXXY and MORT- The cards looked really to fall.
Her being the one that filed first, now pulling the plug. I have no choice but to adjourn for Monday. I would have to take the lead in this thing to keep going.

Okay-She is showing no sign of recovery....
I think she is reposistioning herself. I agree with LEXXXY. She underestimated me badly at every step. She thought I would go quitely and did not really love her or would step up to the challange of proving my love for my family. Then the legal deal that OM pushed her into. I think her and him dreamed up a plan where I would roll over thinking that I would just agree to getting all the assets and shared custody. Thus allowing them to resume fantasy island immediately.
I did not cave once again.... I stepped up. Now she knows she can not win in court. She is not even ready to try. She looks horrible on paper right now.
Has this stressed her relationship with OM.. I would say it has had to... I quote her from last week. "HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME" "HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I CARE ABOUT YOU" "IT REALLY KILLS HIM WHEN I SAY I STILL LOVE YOU" "HE DOES NOT HAVE KIDS SO HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WEIGHS ON MY MIND". This was all right before she went to her lawyer and filed. He told her she could not come back home the next night. Now when I stood up and did not play dead. She had to come home. Thus, she is showing him that her family does matter more than his wishes. HOW CAN THAT NOT PISS OFF A GUY AS SHALLOW AS HIM...

Please give me some help what to do next....

Take a look at the post I put up a few minutes ago...any way to get the lawyers to help you in the fashion I suggested?

Other than that, I don't really have any further advice. She is cake eating...she's got both you and him fighting for her attention. Something has to happen to knock her off the fence.

Okay,

You wanna know what the right thing to do is? How to make your wife know that you are still for the marriage, even while you pursue custody?

First off, ask yourself this question...what, besides words, has changed? This is the question to ask your wife also? Ask her what has changed. Has the affair ended? Does she agree to live with you as yoru wife, and to go to counseling, and build a new marriage? If she doesnt, then pursuing the custody hearing is NOT inconsistent with wanting to save your marriage.

Here is how I did it. I would constantly tell my wife when I filed first that I was still for our marriage and reconciliation, but until real changes happened, I mustb e about protecting our family.

Dazed, repeat this over and over again. To yourself, and to her. There are those on here that are perpetually stuck in Plan A because they believe that going to Plan B or filing to protect kids/family/assets is giving up on the marriage. You are not giving up on the marriage by filing, by pursuing custody. What you are giving up on is a relationship where your wife is running the streets and msitreating you and your daughter. Thus, as the ONLY responsible adult in the family, you MUST step up and do the things necessary to deal with the situation that she has presented to the family.

Always term all of this as "family", not Dazed.

Dazed, you are not giving up on your marriage by pursuing this. But you are enforcing boundaries and protecting your family. And in reality, protecting your wife by doing the things that are needed in order to save her.

I dont understand this tact that you are taking. I hope and pray that I am wrong. but I have been here long enough (and lived it) to know that almost always, it wont go the way you are planning.

In His arms.

I have to agree with the others on the board. WW is just stalling for time to build a better case against you.

It's sad that what has the best chance at saving your M is something that y(our) instincts scream not to do.

Go on with the hearing. Right now you are in the drivers seat. She just lost control of the D.

I like Owl's idea of the negotiated stop.

How is DD holding up?

As an “excuse” to file: Tell her you have gotten serious advice from lawyer, family, priest and whatever that you had a moral duty to forsake your own wishes and needs for the good of DD. WW is not willing to totally commit to the best solution for DD (work on the marriage) you have to guarantee the second best result (you having custody).

Dazed, you have to move ahead on the divorce issue because you have more to think of than just yourself and your relationship with your wife. That twelve-year-old daughter of yours MUST be protected from the scum your wife has taken up with. If you wait for your wife to get a better legal case together, IMHO, you're abrogating your responsibilities to your child.

By the way, yesterday afternoon you posted a message saying your wife wanted to talk about why she told her attorney to put things on hold. I haven't seen anything on that. So...she bought you off with $300 and a phone call to her lawyer? Have I got that right?

Excuse me, I know I tend to be confrontational, but implementing Plan A doesn't mean you have to become submissive in any way, shape, form, or fashion. Come on man, step up to the plate and start swinging. Pardner, you need to apply pressure on the affair. Can you think of ANYTHING that will put more stress on their relationship than a divorce where she doesn't get her cake to eat later? Press the issue. The decision of the judge is not going to be based on who filed first. It'll depend on the substance of the evidence presented in front of him/her. You’ve got the high ground right now. Don’t lose it for lack of initiative.

By the way, yesterday afternoon you posted a message saying your wife wanted to talk about why she told her attorney to put things on hold. I haven't seen anything on that. So...she bought you off with $300 and a phone call to her lawyer? Have I got that right?
_____________________________
There was no talk....
I returned the money into the joint account she calls hers.
Thus declining the money

MORT--
The questions about what has changed...Affair, Reconsile, or what. I will ask her this. I am going to call her again and see if she will tell me why she is waiting.

Dazed,

Let us be clear on this. She completely withdrew her petition for divorce? There is no longer a case pending at all?

I, for one, think this is a good thing. I believe they are then that much further from actually getting divorced and yes, Dazed, OM should be furious things did not go his way.
Every minute you spend with her and continue to Plan A is another nail in his coffin.

I agree with OWL...stop feeding the affair by arguing and LB'ing. The biggest thing they have in common is YOU...try not to fuel their emotional fires with your transgressions. Emotionally detach to the extent possible.

As far as her preparing her case...WW's are almost always too caught up in getting their next fix to concern themselves with building a case for custody of 12 year old Daughter who will never come back to her emotionally until she ends this affair anyway. She has given no indication that she is going to "get you" or that she thinks she has a chance to win.

Dazed, isn't she preparing a place to move out to with a friend. Obviously, DD12 is not going with her and you are never "consenting" to her leaving so she is preparing to "abandon" her daughter. Now how's that going to help her case in the long run?

I think she's more or less furious because she is stuck. She will spew hatred and contempt for BH in hopes of becoming the victim (when he files for divorce/custody) just as Dazed predicts. I think she's just likely to take OM for a test drive relationship after she moves out and she thinks BH will wait for her. Dazed keeps Plan A'ing till she walks out on them then bang...Plan B. Darkness.

I see hope for this relationship. OM is going to blow it, eventually. WW is going to come back. Plan B will be too much for her.

Mr. Wondering

I agree with Mrwondering too...

Eventually, OM is going to lose patience and show his true colors...he's going to blow up on your wife, the fantasy bubble will be burst, and hopefully it will be the wake up call she needs to start working things out.

I think something similar happened with my wife that day in the motel when OM told her not to come...I think he actually may have LB'ed with her when he did so...he was angry and hurt because she 'couldn't choose'...and that was what blew it for him. I think he was convinced that he had her so emotionally wrapped around his finger that he could do so and she'd just run to him.

It backfired on him tho...she took it that he really DID want things to end.

Hang in there...and check out the idea of the negotiated NC situation...what have you got to lose?

Remember also....he could lose in court (a loss being 50/50 joint custody and wife in the home)

Dazed has a job. WW doesn't. He can afford to move out. Who knows what some wacky judge will decide??????

Mr. W