OWL-
Thank for clearing that up for me...
I just needed to think about the No CONTACT rule in a way that I can present it to her.
Making it a show stopper of her pulling out of the divorce I don't aggree with.
Now that she is still contacting him and has he has only hurt her that should strengthen my case for NC.

Here is what I want to do. Tonight WW, Daughter and I meet right after work for eye exams.
I will make it known that we have to talk tonight. To night I want to give her the requirements to begin recovery and our marriage.

I almost think that it would be good to acutally have this in print for her.

What do you all think about this...
I really want to make sure she know what I am expecting from her before we can say we are doing anything to save our marriage.

You need to try to get a handle on your daughter before this becomes a bad habit. Maybe she needs an earlier bedtime whether she likes it or not until she can prove that she will get up for school on her own. I am afraid you will be in for some very difficult years with her, lasting until she is 17 or 18 unless you figure out how to reestablish your parental control and respect of the rules. This is whether or not your WW stays home.

Wish you would have had NC established prior to her coming home and that you wouldn't have stopped the DV yet...maybe just a motion to postpone.

Man, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I do hope that someone with more knowledge than I comes on and offers a suggestion. As I see it, while she was out of the house you had power and she tried very hard to challenge it but ultimately was giving into it. While there was a case pending, you had power, again she challenged and was giving into it. But by allowing her back home with no stipulation, the balance of power shifted and now she is the one in the drivers seat and quite frankly has little motivation for change.

Sure you can say that she has to be miserable, but misery is something she is currently comfortable with in her addicted frame of mind, the abnormal has become normal to her. So what is her motivation to seek betterment? Again, I don't know.

Will a list of requirements to be where she's already at help or will that seem controlling? Again, I don't know. This is where we are at, so we have to work from this angle, but truly it shifts us from offense to defense.

OK, so let's start looking at where you power does reside:

1. You've said your family needs some counselling. OK. Well that is something that can begin, whether it's just with you and your daughter or just your daughter to start with. So maybe get that ball rolling?

2. I don't know......

C'mon y'all, start some brain storming and let's help this man out from where we are.......

Dazed, you and the wife need to fast and pray beginning today.

Read all scripture on fasting and prayer.

And everyone else entering into fasting and praying for this family will be wonderful.

Blessings,

Lady

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Sorry- it actually a thread from this site but I had cut n pasted the main contents from MM into a word doc (that's why I said article). Either way, it's a very good read.

Anyone who was lucky enough to save their marriage will tell you how difficult it was to get the job done. Further, we all made terrible mistakes in our quest to save our marriage.

I will give you one example. My FWW negotiated with me to be able to keep the job she dearly loved. We had insurance and weekly income with her working. Here is the problem, she continued to see the OM at work and recovery never started until she agreed to quit her job. Recovery only began after I said enough is enough, your way is not working now either do it my way or the marriage is over.

Your WW cannot be given choices and you cannot save your marriage by being nice and flexible with her. You don't break a heroin addict by giving them little doses of heroin. You must become FIRM with her or she will always be pulled in both directions. You have got her back now and you must close the door firmly on her relationship with the OM. Your marriage remains at stake and you must not be afraid to lay the law down on your very weak WW.

I know you are doing everything you think is right but don't be afraid to tell her if she doesn't quit seeing the OM, she will lose you and your DD forever. Tell her if she doesn't send out the NC letter, you will refile for the divorce and you will fight her for custody.

I know you are afraid but she is expecting rules to be laid out for her to follow. You are the only one that can do what has to be done.

TooSoon

UPDATE:

WW is being completely impossible and totally destructive to any relationship hopes.

She will not begin no contact. Now that she has let him get back in front of her, he has turned her back around and yesterday she was just doing everything to set me off. She told me a lot of mean horrible comments. Last night she said that she was not going to try with me. Last night I had to finally tell her that I was stepping off the rollercoaster and she should go back to her apartment now. Maybe should could call me when she was ready to stop living in the past and was ready to prove to me that she wants to be home.

She was really stunned by that. She went out side to and got in her car but did not leave. Instead came back in and lay down on the couch. I totally avoided her. The one time I walked through the room to get something she said very nicely I could turn the lights down. I shut them off with out a comment and left the room.

Later I went up to bed to go to sleep.

Daughter came in and we talked about the week end and the up coming week. You know just being a parent. WW came up stairs and directed daughter to her room to go to sleep. She stood in the door way of our room for a moment then went on to the guest room to go to sleep.

This morning I have avoided her as well. I did wake her up, but nothing more than calling out the time to her. Later when we meet going the opposite direction in the stairs, I said high to the dog really nice and ignored her.

Before I left I started up the truck to warm up. I noticed she was staring out the back door at me. When she noticed I seen her she turned away. I went back in got my cell phone and asked if she had cash for lunch today. She said, no thanks and I left.

As of now I have detached from her.
If she goes ahead and leaves, I am going straight into plan B.

That’s the current sitch.

______________________
EMAIL FROM THIS MORNING:
_______________________


-----Original Message-----

From: wife
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2006 8:21 AM
To: Dazed
Subject: sorry

Hi Dazed-

I felt really horrible this morning.
I slept very little last night. I just feel like I become a different person, & you are so right about all the reasons. I just feel really sad & bad for the way I treated you & all the mean things I said. Wanted to tell you so. I know I am in a constant state of stupid lately. I hope all of this ends soon. I am so tired of it & don't know how much any of us-all of us can handle.


_________________________________
wife-

How soon do you want this to end? Me, I am stepping off the rollercoaster.

You have to know how destructive this all is on (wife - daughter - Dazed – family dog) our family.

You could also include on that list other family and friends that care and are worried about you... Your mom, sisters, brothers, friends, basically everyone that REALLY cares about YOU.

You know I believe in us and would like for us to have a close loving marriage and family with you to begin as soon as possible. Me, I am ready to begin with you and grow our love into a happiness that we have only dreamed of.

I thought "we" was going to stop the madness and begin our family last Monday. However, you did not take any steps to protect yourself and our marriage from him.

As you have said, before that actions speak louder than words.

It is clear by your actions that right now you don't care about you or me and especially us.

Look at what he has done to you... He is destroying you. There is no line between Obsession and Love... Please re-read Friday's attachment if you are not sure about it. I am afraid that you will end up in a mental hospital before this is all over.

wife- Let me tell you that I am your husband and have been for nearly 14 years. With out the love of my life I would never be the same. However as your husband and because I love you, I do not believe I should beg you to stay. It must be your choice to join me together side by side to share a life. He that is obsessed with you, I believe will pull everything he can to continue to mentally abuse you. He will continue to beg, control, accuse, blame, guilt you, and hurt you. The next thing he will pull is say that he himself will change... Let's think about that. What he has only had a few months to prove himself to you. That is when people are on there best behavior. I think that he finally let himself show when you applied a little reality into his life. The same pressure I have been under. He has shown you what his true colors look like.

How have I responded to the same pressure? With Love that is kind, caring, patient, and giving. That is my true colors wife... That is who I am.

If you don't want a man that is that, then I encourage you to move on.

When you are ready to stop thinking in the past and believe in our future, stop the madness and if you care about us, maybe you can call me.

Dazed

Unfortunately, your WW is reminding me of Tom Joads. She sounds so mentally unstable. I am sorry for your situation. I really think you let her come home too soon before all the safeguards and actions were in place and could be counted on. She lacks the commitment to do the right thing. She is still an addict.

this is why you DO NOT BRING HOME a ws...she has not been forced to change...her pain is not so great that it has helped her make a decision in favor of her marriage and family.

plan B NOW...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

what more?

and get the lawyers back informed. she is NOT repentant. she is NOT changing. more waffling and pain will be what's happening and in store if you don't help her face her choices.

she is detrimental to the welfare of your dd right now. your poor dd does NOT need any more drama or pain from her mom now. her mom is m.i.a...and has been replaced by a WS...the worst kind of parent.

plan B should have happened yesterday...or the day before...or the day she refused to go NC and was abusive to dd driving like a maniac with her in the car.

Dazed:

There is no logical step by step way to break an affair, to get thru withdrawal, and to begin real recovery. It is probably like playing a game of twister. The WS spins her wheel and you have to move to adjust to it.

Her Om is making a huge play and is openly competing for your wife. My FWW's OM did the same thing. It became an ego game for him to win. I mentioned this to you once before.

Also, after Widrawal and during early recovery, my FWW complained daily about wanting her freedom, which meant to me she wanted the ability to see her OM. I got very tired of the daily roller coaster and I had it AGAIN. I layed out an entire divorce stategy and I broke down the business and the bills. I told her to move out and I was done. All of a sudden, she didn't want to move, she wanted me to move. I said, freedom means no houses, cars, kids, and responsibility. I said you have the freedom you want, now take it. I felt a sense of power after I gave her the right to move with no more fighting to keep her, no more arguing, and no more battles. She never brought the freedom thing up again.

The moral of the story is this, do not keep telling her how much you want her or love her. Do not tell her she is in control, and in fact, set her free. Tell her to move out and you will build a new life with a new woman, someone who does not believe in infidelity. I think once you quit fighting for her, she will be yours. Give her to the OM and tell her to enjoy her new life that you are going to look aggressively for a girlfriend and a replacement for her for your daughter as the primary care-taker.

You can't keep going on like this since there is no end to it. Control the outcome by taking her out of the decision making role that she presently ENJOYS.

Dazed, you have so many experienced people giving you excellent advise, but you don't seem to want to implement the advise that works. Your fear of losing your wife prevents you from acting to break the affair and your fear is the reason you are losing her.

TooSoon

TUESDAY UPDATE:

Spoke with Steve Harley again yesterday.
He suggested that I be very careful to place any demands and requirements on her right now.
Especially because she is in an abussive relationship with OM. She will be very sensitive towards any demands placed my me and I don't want to follow his tact.

Steve says that I need to be patient and just continue with my Plan A. He says it is working because OM is loosing his heand blowing himself up. Just let him keep blowing up and continue to be the attractive option for her.
He says that I have brought her home a little early because of such a good plan A and the time table of the divorce trial combined with OM really love busting.

Steve says the good thing is your wife is home. The bad thing is she is still and addict.
He says that it is important that I understand that I can not speed things up. Do not force her into recovery before she is ready for it. She will resent everything and see it as demands, educational and will most likely just put time on the clock for her and OM.

He says that her and OM's relationship is done. That was his quote. I told him about OM taking pills and washing it down with cold medicine and she still left and came home also she left him bawling on the floor of her apartment and still came home... HE IS DONE.
She is only still around him because she is addicted to him. She must be ready to make the break from him before it will work. This guy will not take NO for an answer. He is obsessive and abussive with WW so it is not easy for her to leave either. Steve says he has seen many times when a woman is being abused and controled and even knows it and ask for help when a situation gets really bad. However, they are not yet ready to leave. This is what he see's going on with my WW and OM.
She is not only addicted but wants to leave with out hurting him.
Steve says that she is very close and to continue Plan A under she is really ready to make her break from him. Let him keep love busting and demanding and blowing up. He is driving her home for me, just like Plan A is suppose to do.

He suggested that she is so close to just be patient. He suggested that I be very aware of how close to be with her. Adjust when she is angry and destructive to become detached and lay low from her. When she is receptive to you continue to Plan A. He says to be very careful and aware so I don't allow her to see me as unattractive and become a target for her when she is angry.

He suggested that I don't ask her any questions that require her to think. He says that she can not think clear right now and that will only confuse her and confusion is a negitive feeling. Confusion is what OM is the master of. Do not play his game. Negitive feelings look unattractive.

He warned me to not use logic with her in conversation either. That also requires thought and she can only handle simple logic if any at times.
Me the BS explaining logic to her will most likely either be viewed as teaching and or create confusion. Neither thing I need right now.
Steve says this is why I need to add to my mantra the need for a plan from a professional. She is so close and needs to understand the principles and get a plan for recovery.
The problem is that he says I can not be the one to give it to her. I need to present this to her as we will obtain a plan from a professional that helps me understand how to love her in a way that she wont be hurt again.
She will most likely accept and work with a plan coming from another person other than me.

This is a quick summary of my phone call with Steve.
The points are again.
1) Continue Plan A and be very careful to not become unattractive.(No demands, love busters, smothering, being an easy target for her anger).
2) Add the request for guidence into my mantra and continue to say that everytime she wants to argue or blame that we need a plan. Guidence from a professional to give us a map to get threw this. (Suggested that I do some research to find some good pro-marriage counselors locally). This way when she is ready to agree you have done the home work and can provide her with a couple options.
3) Don't give her and OM any more fuel. OM is done it is only time on the clock to run out at this point. Because of this don't change my approach. (Do not defend yourself on any front. The teaching about OM she can take back to him and he can adjust himself or use it against you.)
4) Get back in touch with lawyers to see if anything has changed legal wise so I know where I stand. Find out if she as asked her lawyer to hold onto the petetion or if it in fact has been dismissed. Suggested I get a copy of the GAL report from my lawyer just to see what it says.
5) Try to get her to go to a MB seminar.
If at all possible, get her to an MB seminar so she can just listen to the principles.

dazed,

Wow! Excellent post. I'm just grinning and grinning. I'm always recommending counseling with the Harleys to people with infidelity problems, because where else can you get the best insight?

Old-timers here are also wonderful, because they really get the whole approach.

You're on your way!

That's why he gets paid the big bucks.... It's amazing the logic used when one is emotionally detached from the situation.

Anywho, in all this did y'all talk about protecting your daughter or getting your daughter into therapy?

Dazed:

You have to go with what Steve Harley is saying. He has more experience than all of put together. I agree that your wife is so torn, confused, and fragile that she could be chased to or from anyone who does the wrong thing.

TooSoon

Dazed, you’ve requested me to see if I can provide help & advice if I can, so I have taken a look at your threads and I have to say you’re already in very good hands with the current members posting to you and you’ve received excellent advice! Therefore I’m not sure if there is anything I can add except that I was thinking that maybe you can apply plan A by combining it with the Divorce Busting 180 degree strategy. I don’t know if you’re familiar with this strategy, so here are the links:

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list

Divorce Busting (this is the website link)

HERE is a post I’ve sent to a BH last year on suggestions how to combine plan A with the 180 degree strategy. Please understand that this is only suggestions. It is not a definitive list of actions you should take. Probably you will have to adjust and strategize the list according to your specific situation and circumstances. It will be good if you can read ALL the posts I’ve sent to the BH on that thread (and not just the one I linked for you) – it will give you a better background.

Usually the 180 strategy is very empowering and most successful in situations where the A is over, withdrawal is over, and things have not changed, but since your W is still in contact and have not yet started withdrawal, the 180 strategy combining with plan A might be helpful. I understand the Harleys says the 180 degree and plan A don’t mix, but IMO, many of the guidelines on the 180 degree list (not ALL of them) are actually in sync with plan A (see my posts on the link above). Plan A is not just about meeting the WS needs but also to help the BS improve and work on themselves on physical, emotional and spiritual level... And both the 180 degree and plan A help the BS to accomplish this... There are areas where plan A and some 180 degree list guidelines will clash and be in conflict with each other, but then that specific guidelines must be left out or modified in such a way that it will not influence or interfere too much with plan A.

I personally think the 180 degree can give some balance to plan A in the sense that it will help the BS to not become needy/clinging/pushy and/or become the WS’s “doormat”. It's also a way for the BS to keep their 'sanity' during plan A. Especially if certain things don't work for a BS, the 180 degree can help to get different and desired results. And I especially think the 180 degree can be useful when the WS is resistant, "foggy" and not committed to recovery, the M and NC.

Of course, this is all just my personal opinion. Harley and Steve are the experts, so consult with them first.

Suzet-
Thank you for your time and suggestions. I will study the information you recommended.

You are right that my WW is home, has stopped the divorce but yet is resistant to committing to recovery, and the M and NC. Her fog still comes and goes.
She is showing signs of withdrawl and when she does she usually is resentful towards me and her choice to be in the house.

Yes, you are so correct. I need to find some ways to improve myself and become more attractive to her all at the same time I am doing plan A.

Thank you!

_______________________________
I want to take a moment to give props and thank everyone that has stayed with me through this.

It has been a long road and at times I have felt there was little hope and that is when many of you have helped the most. Providing encouragement and support has helped me keep on marching down the road towards saving our marriage and family.
Many of you may have disagreed with my approach at times and yet continue to provide support. That really means a lot to me. I hope you all understand that I do respect everyones opinion.

Hopefully one day I can report to all of you a recovered success story. One that everyone can feel that they had a hand in helping me and my family along the way.

Thank you all and God Bless each one of you!

I guess in my case I did something similar to what SH suggested to you.

Once she stayed home, I worked to support her as best as I could. Plan A, but didn't have a name for it at the time. OM in my case had pretty much given up on the affair I think...so that worked to my advantage somewhat too. I knew she was in withdrawl at the end of the affair, and so was just working to help her get through that.

At that time, we were talking about seperating...and had begun an in house seperation as well. I made it very clear that I felt we could still work things out...but she had to decide what she wanted before we could do anything.

This was a horrible time...but looking back, I think it was my 'plan A' at that time that helped a lot, even though I hadn't been aware that this is what it was.

Hang in there...keep doing what you can. Work to end the affair through plan A...make yourself the better choice, and make it clear that you're not willing to accept anything less than the end of the affair.

Dazed, this is normal behavior of your W… While still in withdrawal and the fog, the WS often sees the BS as the ‘meanie’ who prevents them from having contact with the OP…, and then resenting the BS for the feelings of ‘loss’... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I know this is SO unfair towards the BS because the BS (you) is the victim of your WS's infidelity and YOU have reason to feel resentful in stead...

My advice is if she acts like this just be pleasant to her. Stay calm. No anger or then she can rationalize the affair. And take her coldness, anger and resentment with a grain of salt. Don’t pay too much attention to it and please don’t take it too personally.

Dazed, I want to make something clear here: When I have given the advice about working on yourself and improving yourself, I didn’t meant there is necessarily something wrong with you and that you need a “fix” (maybe you are already perfect the way you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). The 180 degree combined with plan A is more about protecting yourself and help you to develop some extra coping mechanisms for your own emotional and spiritual well-being. In the end you do it more for yourself than for your W, but she will realize any improvements in you physically, emotionally and/or spiritually and these things will automatically make you more attractive to her.

Suzet- Yes, I understand what you ment by improving myself. I agree, something to help me build myself stronger and be able to continue on with life and be better at coping with my emotions. Lately I have felt the temptation to react stupidly towards her fog babble.

She has added a new wrinkle to her mantra. Until now she pretty much just kept on bashing me about the past and doing all the text book WW blaming.
Last week when she started attacking me as a person, it really got to me. She was telling me that she does not love me at all. Really insulting me by telling me that I am a dumb MF and she hates the way I look, my smile is stupid, she can't stand all my manorisms, and she is repulsed by even thinking of touching me ever again.

I suppose that stuff is normal for a WW. Hearing all that really did hurt me though. This is why I agree that adding something new to my plan A is needed. I told her that I will not let her talk to me like that and insult me. Just like when she tries to yell at me, I know tell her very gently to stop yelling at me. If you don't stop yelling at me we will have to resume this conversation when you can. I told her basically the same thing about her bad attitude and insulting me.
I wanted to establish boundries for her. Right now that has mainly acted to stop her from talking to me.
We talked 100 times more when she was not sleeping at home. In fact she spent more time at home when she was not sleeping there. Explain that one?

UPDATE Thursday Morning_________________________________
Yesterday I sold my car trailer. Collected the check and put in our joint bank account. There was no way to just not say anything to WW. My idiot brother told her that he knew I had been dealing with a guy to buy it and he told her who it is and the price I quoted. We can talk more about how many knives that he has thrown in my back later.

So I thought this would help prove to WW that I am not pretending and I am for real. This is a major item on the list of what she has been using against me.
She told me that OM drives around the block where I store the trailer to see if it has for sale signs on it or if it has moved.
Of course I have thought about OM talking her into taking the money. I am sure she has thought about it. Using that to furnish that apartment would be easy for her to do.
My thought are:
1) Selling the trailer is another peice to the puzzle for her. Show's her that I am really quiting racing and doing what i said I would do. Until now she has been able to say that I have been lying about it and not really doing it. I know this is big to her. She said one time that my race car is the same as another woman to her exact that I can't have sex with it.
2) Depositing the check into our joint account shows her that I am not hiding anything from her. She has accused me of hiding money from her and not sharing in management of our money and bills.
3) Giving her the oppourtunity to share in planning where to spend the money from the sale.
Keep in mind that she said I should just pay off my truck loan with it. That is what I entend on doing now that she suggested it, I will take that as her sharing in what to do with it. I don't plan on waiting past today to make it all happen. That way OM can't talk her into taking the money and running.
I know this is a risk but one I feel I have to take to prove to her that I am not hiding anything and I am really dedicating my life to being a better man.

HER BEHAVIOUR----------
No improvements there.
The affair has not ended, so I don't believe I am in recovery at all. Yes, she is home but resentful.
Harley said to not place demands on her so it is hard to know how to handle when she gives me a lame excuss to leave the house.
Last night at 9:15 she says, I am going to go get gas for my car. Be home soon. She shows up at 10:15.
We have a gas station five blocks away from our home. My thoughts are; 1) She meet OM somewhere, or 2) She called OM on the phone.
When she came home she was fogged over. She would not talk and mostly tried to ignore me. We really did not talk at all the entire night.
She picked up daughter from leadership and took her to swim practice and I did not see them until 8:30pm.
The hour she was in the house I was in the basement working on putting in a new circuit and wiring for her tanning bed.

She has yet to clean out the apartment and give any notice to the land lord. She did call the guy and ask about getting out of the lease and he told her that he would let her out once he has found a new renter. I asked if she planned on paying for next months rent. It is due in 12 days. She only said, I am not asking for money. I don't need any money from you. You worry about yourself.

I will attach some email from yesterday to give you the details about how she is acting and what I am doing.

___________________
WW
You let me know if you want to pick her up and take her to swim.
I have no plans other than to be available.
Since I went to the YMCA last night, I will probably work on wiring for the tanning bed tonight, unless you would like to do something else.
Call me later if you want.
Dazed
--------
Dazed
I can pick her up.
will she already have her swim stuff
ready & w/ her so that we will not have to
stop by the house first? Maybe u could remind her
to do that b 4 u take her to the City? That
would save time. I bet it is such a weird feeling
for you to have nothing to occupy all of your time.
Glad u r having fun at the Y-hope u meet some new friends.
WW
-------
Hi-WW I am back.
Okay, we will have her stuff with her when we go to the City.
Not a weird feeling at all having nothing to do but think about how great it is going to be when we get threw all this.
I am so looking forward to occupy all my time with you and D12.
I dream about having fun with you and seeing your beautiful smile. Just being with you and seeing your happy eyes is what I dream of occupying my time with.

Weather it’s something in every day life like going to the doctor as a family, or on a week end get away with just us two. That is what I wait to occupy my time with…

No worries about time or hurries, just us.

Would you think about going to Y with me? Maybe we could go do something together and have fun while getting away from everything.

Just an idea…
Dazed
-----

Dazed
u sure seem pretty sure of yourself--
like u think this me & u thing will
work out.
i have no desire to do anything
at this time. u should already be
aware of that. u know--by my sweet
attitude.
WW
---------
WW-
You bet I believe in us.

I am so sure that I am dedicating the rest of my life to this me & u thing.

I don’t mind your sweet attitude as long as you are being yourself… Just WW…

Some times your sweet attitude can even be funny when you think about it.

Yes, I do need your help though. Help me care for you the way you want, so we can be happy.

Let me know when your ready.

C yah later
Dazed
--------------------
Dazed
well,
what if I am never ready?
then what? what if I cant
stay away from that other?
then what? what if i constantly
feel like I am making the wrong
decision? then what? u will have
dedicated all your precious time
for nothing. oh well, at least u have
some cash now. maybe now u can get
the rest of your debts pd.--like i
am desperately trying to do.
WW
-------------
WW
-you being ready some day… That is a risk that I am willing to take. WHY? I believe in you and us.

I believe love will find a way. My love is knocking outside your door. I am waiting for you, this love made just for us two.

Open your heart and you'll find love again. I know it's gonna take a little time. Time is sure to heal your broken heart, but don't you even worry. I know you'll find love again for us.

I am not trying to be cocking and full of myself. It’s just I really do believe in this u & me thing.

I think we can agree that were doing all this in order for us to be happy and have a great marriage. We just need a plan to get us there.
Let’s think of some things that would make this easier. I would really like to know your thoughts.

Dazed
-----------------

At this point I still need the affair to end. I need to keep pressure on the affair with out demands and love busters.

What to do from here. I am feeling that I got her right to the edge and she is stopped there in a lull.

NOTE:
She went to the library and got the book by John Moore, "Confusing Love with Obsession".
I seen her reading it Tuesday night.

Have you considered asking her directly why she bothered to end the divorce and move home if she feels this way?

Honestly, you should go with what SH suggested, but I really can't understand why he would expect you to sit through all of this. This is just flat out abusive. My wife was OCCASIONALLY abusive like this, but not near the order of magnitude that your wife has reached.

I'm not sure what SH's plan is going to be on this...personally, I don't see her hitting rock bottom unless she's back out on her own. She totally played you my friend...she convinced you to let her back in and to stop the divorce...and now she's right back to what she was doing before...not one single thing has changed.

Hang in there...I've got no good advice for you at this point.