Quick Update:
ILF- Very good idea.... If I can get wife to go then, you bet were going.

Daughter had a friend over after school. So I called WW informing her that I would be home right after work and me and kids would have to get dinner at 5:30 so I we could get daughters friend home, daughter to the store and then off to dance. WW was pretty quiet and did not say she would be there or nothing. I just said, wanted you to know what was going on so we could all plan.

WW never shown up until after we was gone and she called me on my cell at 7:20PM asking me to come home now.
When I get there she was crying and holding OM's issued secret cell phone.
She said, right off... He's out there. He is very angry with me. He said, I had 3 minutes and to not talk to you. He watched you pull up. The battery died in this phone right when you walked in. I am so horrible. Why do I keep doing this. Why can't he just go away. I know he is out there waiting for me.
I went to her and gave her a big hug and told her to not worry any longer. It is not fair what he is doing. No more stress and pressure. How does that sound to you? She noded her head. She said, how did I get into all this? I have done so many horrible things to hurt you. I am so sorry BS. How could you still love me. I said, hmm. What do you think? She says, because your dumb. I said, yes that much is true. But you know what else. Real love is kind, caring, patient, and forgiving. I know you have done many things under pressure and made many promises under pressure just trying to make everything okay. I know you don't want to hurt any more. You or anyone else. I know the woman I knew in still there in your heart. Your heart is kind and full of goodness. Let me rescue the good inside you that I know you want back. Let's get your life back wife.
She told me a story that an older man at her work gave her. She says that he reminds her of what her father would be like if she had one. He sent her a short story that defined what REAL LOVE is. It told a story about an old man's love for his wife with Alzheimer’s. Defined REAL LOVE just I sad it to wife earlier. She said that reading that made her think of me and made her cry.
She said, that she is not going to go and how could he tell me to get use to life with out daughter and there week end together was more important...

____________________
Yesterday OM was back at it. He had told WW that she was to be at his apartment with bags in hand by 5:30PM no questions asked.
They were to blow off work today and spend the week end out of town in some hotel together.
WW told me that she said to him that daughter has a swim meet both Saturday and Sunday and she wants to go. She has never seen daughter swim before because OM would not let her go to the last event that required travel with me.
OM actually told her to get use to life with out your daughter. You are coming with me this week end. You don't need to go to some dumb swimming thing. Make BS take care of her. Besides he is going to have her any way so, you should just get used to being without her.
______________
I had to leave at 8:30PM to go pick up daughter from dance.
When i got back WW said the phone rang from the second that you started your truck till you reached for the door handle. The number was blocked so I know it was him. Where is he out there? Did you see him? I drove around the block looking for him. I told WW he must be on foot and out side in the bushes.
If I see him or his truck one time I am calling the police. She begged me not to. Said, that she feels guilty enough for all this and blames herself for everything.
We talked about why she sould not blame herself. She said he left his wife 22 days after they started just talking. She said he was freaked out when he told her that. She begged him to home and told him she was going to stop talking him unless he went home. She said, he moved home for five days and then into his parents house. He told her the entire time how bad his marriage was and it was not her fault until now. He says it was all for her. He tells her that the minute they meet he knew he was suppose to be with her. The is so in love blah blah... I said, see WW. You already know the truth. You are not all to blame. Don't believe this is all your fault for a second.

Okay- Once WW went to sleep and I could watch for him I seen OM driving up and down my street. Making u-turns at the end of block and just cycling up and down my street. What a freakin nut job this guy is.
So, I called the police blocking my phone number and gave them an anonymous tip of a man that keeps driving up and down my street. I gave them his tag number, make and model of truck. With in five minutes the cops where there...
It was perfect. Just as he drives by real slow looking at the house a black and white pounces on him. I am upstairs watching all of it from my office window with the lights off. He makes it about two blockes before the cops turn on the lights.
He did not drive by the rest of the night.

So i am sure that OM is furious right about now. You know he is going to go off on WW if he gets the chance to.
She was sleeping through all of it. She does not know I called the police. She may be really upset with me.
Not sure how to play this one.

Dazed-

If she's feeling as bad as she is, and she's able to see how crazy OM is acting...I truly think you need to push the PFS/RO with her. Make it clear that you're getting worried that OM might try to break in...or confront DD outside...or something, and that this has to stop...NOW. Or someone could get hurt. Don't fight, but keep the idea linked in her mind that OM is acting crazy, and is potentially dangerous...to ALL of you...her, you, and esp DD.

Tell her she can end all of this drama easily. Breaking off EVERYTHING with OM will accomplish exactly that. All she has to do is to tell you that this is what you want...write an NC letter with you...file the PFS to protect herself and her daughter...and the drama will end. The fear, the stress...all of that will end, and the two of you can go back to making a better marriage than you had before.

You're really keeping your head about you on this man...great job!

Dazed, I would have hoped you would have had PFS in place before last night. He would have been arrested. I would think you can do it, since it is your home he is stalking.
Shoot....last night would have been the perfect arrest.

Blessings,
Lady

If she gets upset ask her how you are supposed to sleep with him driving up and down the street. Regardless of her feelings...you've got a family to protect...this is not all about her.

Mr. Wondering

Yes, yes, yes. Please protect your family. When she came in talking about him being out there, and calling once you left...you should have had that paperwork at the ready. Also, I hope you are documenting ALL of hsi actions, as then you can hand to clerk, officer, or judge (wherever this all ends up) to show he is nuts and a stalker.

The PFS can be done WITHOUT her signing! Do it. And be prepared that that little piece of paper may mean nothing and he may just come after you, or wife, or DD. You had best plan for the worse here Dazed, before it confronts you face-to-face. You need protection. Make sure the doors are locked at night (chaneg the locks also...he may have copied your wife's keys). As a matter of fact, the doors and windows should always remain locked (get daughter in on this too).

DD goes NOWHERE alone! Make sure she cant be snatched or hurt by him walking up to the house.

Dazed, I am not an alarmist by nature. But this guy is ready to explode. His actions are NOT normal, even for a OM. If he believes half of what he is bullying yoru wife with, then he also believes that he has given up everything...and has nothing to lose. A psycho with nothing to lose is VERY dangerous.

I dont think now that your wife will be mad if you get the PFS. I think she is crying out for this to end. I think she is crying out for your protection. Your wife is being threatened and bullied by this man. PROTECT her!! Yo ucant stop her from going to see him. But you damn sure can stop him from coming near that home and your family. Once she knows that she is safe there. I really believe she will be done with him.

She is scared. She is talking to YOU exclusively now. All he does is threaten.

Dazed, go NOW and get the PFS. Then stop by the gun store if you dont have one, and purchase a pistol (if you have never operated one, then sign up for classes). Also, get a safe box that can quickly be opened with a combination. The gun store can help you with that. In that way, the gun wont be accessible to your daughter or others, but you can pull it out fairly quickly in an emergency.

Since I am in the military, if it were me, I'd have a few of the biggest guys I know follow him and have a talk with him. Not hurt him or anything like that. Just to educate the man on what is going to happen to him if he persists. One thing I know is that guys like this are cowards when confronted!!

Dazed, you MUST protect your family. the tables have now turned o nthe affair. It is over. But your wife is now scared of what this man will do.

It is not an LB to protect her and your daughter. And yourself!!

In His arms.

Dazed, I am a MB stalker, of sorts, in that I’ve followed your thread from early in its inception but never post, only read and learn. With the posts of the last several days, however, I had to request my password be sent to me so I could sign in and throw my 2-cents worth in to the fray (not that you need it as you are getting great council from the life experiences represented by your MB friends – kudos to you all! ).

It was unclear to me that when the OM called your house and left the phone line open that it was for the purpose of allowing you to hear him verbally abuse your WW and then make her perform sexually for him.

Dazed, what if it had been your DD that picked up that phone? I can’t even begin to comprehend the life altering, life long devastation that such an experience would bring to a young girl of 12! Nor can I comprehend that a so called grown man could be so callus as to risk such an outcome, and the potential was there.

You appear to be hesitant to initiate a RO / PFS against this man, and that is your decision. My only recommendation would be for you to at least have your home telephone number changed, TODAY, to a non-listed number. It is easy to do and costs very little. It will provide your WW an opportunity to be free from his harassment in your home.

Dazed, let me just tell you that you have exemplified a behavior that I truly admire. While I am not in your situation, I have learned a great deal about human behavior from this and other threads and, I believe, have put into motion learnings that will make me a better husband (for this I thank you!). How a man in your position can continue as you have represents a level of super human strength of mind and soul.

Now, at least, go get that phone number changed. It would appear that this phase is rapidly crumbling beneath the OMs feet.

Hi Dazed.

Please get the PFO or RO or whatever you need to protect you family from this nutjob. I like the idea of going away with your family for awhile too.

Good luck and God bless,
Loni

I need ideas on how to find the right help for WW.
Her thoughts and feelings are such a mess. She seems near a nervous break down.

She knows she is addicted and temptation to contact him and make sure he all right she says she just can't stop.
When she tries to stay away from him it is so hard. She says, that she gives in and just wants to know he is going to be okay. He pulls her back into his web.
Her words not mine on that...

How can I help her with this?
I think she will go to counsel if I help get her there. She is very against talking with SH. I think I can almost forget about that ever happening.

When does she break down and talk to him? At work? At home?

If it's at work...tell her the only way she'll be able to end contact with him is to get a new job, or simply stop working for a while and become a SAHM for a while.

If it's at home...get her to agree to call you BEFORE she does anything. Or see if she's got any friends that can also help her become more accountable.

If she won't talk with SH...have you considered talking to SH, and asking if he is aware of any MB based MC's in your area that you might go to? And then...set it up, but don't tell your wife that this MC uses MB principles...let her discover that on her own.

Just some thoughts.

I guess that means she would also be opposed to talking to SH's sister, Jennifer Chalmers?

Just my 2cents of amateur pshycology: So far you have concentrated on ways of keeping your WW from OM. One major change in the last week/days is that now your W breaks out of the WW occasionaly (yes – I do believe that W and WW are two different people) and says sensible things like acknowledging she is adicted. Great – that is a major breakthrough.

Maybe now you should work harder on ways of keeping OM away from W and WW rather than WW from OM. Sort of a change of strategies.

Now I am a rough and simple guy so I would saunter over with my friend Mr. Bat and convince him seeing my wife is unhealthy. I am totaly aware that that is not a good idea but I would ask otehrs to bring up more sane and better reasoned ways of keeping OM away.

Dazed

Great work. I have followed your journey since the beginning. I was fortunate, as my experiecne was not frought with as many challenges as yours.

Getting to your question, get out the phone book and follow Dr. Harley's guidelines on selecting a couselor. They can be found at: marriagebuildersDOTcom/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

You have done a great job in all of this. Keep up the good work and God bless.

xring

Yes, she has a job as an office assistant / receptionist.
OM has easy access to her at all times via telephone and email.

She does not yet want to file the PFS however, seemed to like the fact I got the police after him for stalking our home.
I have told her that I will not allow him to stalk our home, or us. If he so much as drives by one more time or calls here and harrasses me, I am calling the police no questions asked. He will go to jail if he choices to continue to be a stalker.

I have the paper work from the court house and it is almost all filled out. It just needs signed at the court house in front of the judge.

“She does not yet want to file the PFS however, seemed to like the fact I got the police after him for stalking our home.
I have told her that I will not allow him to stalk our home, or us. If he so much as drives by one more time or calls here and harrasses me, I am calling the police no questions asked. He will go to jail if he choices to continue to be a stalker.”


The above clause is so good, so bad and extremely bad:

Good: She liked the fact you got the police after him for stalking the house. That is W talking.
Bad: WW refuses to sign the PFS. But that is a WW so yes – that is not unexpected. As W comes out more and more she will sign.

EXTREMELY BAD: You are expecting HER to be a messenger between you and him. Why? Now I seldom see any purpose in talking to OP but I see less purpose in expecting your wife to get the message to him that IF he does something you will react. You should be doing all you can to prevent her from talking to OM – not using her as a go-between.

One idea: would her boss (if I remember he is supportive of you) be willing to charge OM with harassing the place of work? By phoning your WW there he is preventing her from doing her job.

I think that YOU should go ahead and file the PFS as it relates to him being near you, your home, or your daughter if your WW won't file to keep him away from her. Given that he's been stalking the house, and the nature of some of the phone calls you've described from him, I would think that you've got sufficient grounds to do so.

Your wife needs to change/quit her job so that she can break free of him.

And she needs to be reminded that she's going to have to do so at some point...or she'll lose you and DD.

100% agree

make that 200% agree!

Dazed -- you can't leave it in her hands to protect the family. You need to do it. Get the PFS for you and DD at minimum. At least that way he can't contact her while she is in your world!

300%!

In His arms.

400%!

Dazed, she appears to appreciate the fact that you called the police on him. Get some teeth in it and protect W in your home. She will love you for that. When she comes to your home she does not want to be with him and wants to feel protected. If she wants to be WW, she can go elsewhere. Do not allow OM to invade your world, ever again!

Dazed,

Been following your story for a couple of months. Why do I get the feeling that if you file the PFS, your WW will be relieved, not angry?