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I have the PFS paperwork done. Just need to get it filed.
Will not be able to leave work for another hour to get that done.
Also, I just spoke with the lady officer that responded to my missing persons call a couple weeks back. After informing her of recent events, the officer is going to call WW to offer some one to talk to about her problems and offer some options for help.
Hopefully WW will be receiptive to the lady officer. It is some what of a surprize but not totally.
I have told WW of my contact with the police and the lady officer then offering to help. Also, mentioned to WW just this morning that I thought it would really help for WW to talk to a neutral person for help with OM.

It sure would be nice to get the law behind us to finish off this OM and take the pressur off of WW having to do it.

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It sure would be nice to get the law behind us to finish off this OM and take the pressur off of WW having to do it.

It sure would....and totally within YOUR control!

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Kind of switching gears here a bit.
I feel as if I need to take some time to lay out a defined plan for myself.
Yes, I have been doing a plan A and working to retrieve my wife from OM. It seems as though I need to refocus on my self improvement plan and how that will overlap towards saving my marriage.
I just feel as I need to take a break and refocus.
This is one thing I am not so impressed with all the time I have spent with SH.
A plan that identifies my strengths and weaknesses then focus on how to improve myself that will utlitmately improve my marriage.
I have been doing the plan A basic concepts, it's I feel a bit unsure about where to go from here.

Let's keep in mind that my wife is a walk away wife. Recovery will not be a cake walk I believe. There are EN's of WW that I have not met in a very long time.
Looking attractive to the WW and getting her to trust she can be happy with me is what I think I am needing improvement on.
Conversation, companionship, feeling safe, sexually attractive are several needs of WW I feel that I have not been able to meet for the WW.

She has never filled out an EN's questionare. What do you think about me asking her to fill one out. If nothing else, just to humor me.

I feel the pressure of trying to take the next step with out really knowing where it is...

The biggest thing I did wrong was basically neglect my wife by the two of us living separate lives and growing farther apart from each other. Through in a good practive of the top five love busters and that was our marriage for quite some time.

The thing that WW keeps coming back to is my lack of ability to entertain her. She is always coming back to me not being able to make her laugh. Also not being able to easily make conversation with her because we have so little to talk about other that relationship talk which is not healthy to keep doing.
Because of the control freak OM she has not been allowed to go out in public with me. We have not been on a date with just us two, in over a year. Neither of us can remember when or where just the two of us went. I actually think the last time we went out as a couple was May of 2004.
The last time we went out in public as a family and ate dinner was May 2005.
Those statistics are just unbelieveable. This is why we have so little to talk about other than kids and the our problems.
There is no romance what so ever between us. Man this post really made me sad just thinking about how long it has been since we actually dated...
Not the same for WW. OM and her has been dating and taking week end get a ways for months now. That is why she finds him so fun and romantic and me a dud.

Please help....

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Dazed, I can maybe offer something here for you. My wife was ready to walk away a year ago because of my severe neglect. Like you, I had an obsessive hobby that I had to give up for the good of the marriage. (I am fortunate there was no affair, although I know she was tempted to have one.)

My wife and I had been drifting apart, conversation-wise. I always nodded my head when she talked, and expounded at length on topics I knew were boring to her when I talked. What I did to change that was to start to listen to her. I started to ask her questions about things I knew she was interested in. That involved me taking an interest in stuff like ballet, ice skating, Broadway shows, dogs, etc. Stuff I was never interested in before. I approached it with an open mind and started to find things in common that we share. The kids were another point of common interest - what mother doesn't like to talk about her kids? Your WW will want to get back into her daughter's life, that is an excellent point to start sharing - not just problems, but good things.

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Conversation, companionship, feeling safe, sexually attractive are several needs of WW I feel that I have not been able to meet for the WW.


Feeling safe - I think you are doing that now with the protective order stuff. Give yourself some credit here, you're doing an amazing job with the Plan A.

Quote
She has never filled out an EN's questionare. What do you think about me asking her to fill one out. If nothing else, just to humor me.


If she's not open to that, try to fill it out for her yourself, as best as you can. If you can guesstimate her most important ENs - and I think you've got a pretty good idea what they are - you can start looking for ways to fill them and see what she responds to.

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The biggest thing I did wrong was basically neglect my wife by the two of us living separate lives and growing farther apart from each other.


I know exactly what that is like. I always stayed up late working on my hobby. Like you, I've given it up completely, and started focusing my attention and interest on things we have in common. Anything that we don't share gets a lower priority than anything we do share. And I try to make my best times, my most fun times, the times I spend with her. This means giving up some things I enjoyed doing alone, but its well worth it.

Gotta run, more later...


Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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Book something really kewl

like a weekend at a resort hotel

book 2 connecting rooms

invite WW to go with you (and DD)

if WW refuses to go --- go anyway, with DD --- and have FUN

if WW agrees to go, allow DD12 to ask a friend along, they can share the connecting room

BOOK a resort ....

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Dazed,

Just wanted to remind you that my offer of having an email relationship with your wife still stands. I also have free nationwide long distance if after emailing she ever wanted to talk to me. I am certainly not a substitute for a good counselor, but I will understand and be there to listen and offer her my support during withdrawal and recovery...anytime Dazed...

Thinking of and praying for your family...

Blessings,

Mrs. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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The thing that WW keeps coming back to is my lack of ability to entertain her. She is always coming back to me not being able to make her laugh. Also not being able to easily make conversation with her because we have so little to talk about other that relationship talk which is not healthy to keep doing.

We discussed the conversation stuff in my last post. Draw her out, discuss things she is interested in. Finding common interests involves a willingness to expand your own interests to include things that are important to her. You probably already know what some of them are, you can listen to her to draw out some more. In my own case, I discovered to my great surprise that my wife is interested in cars - and more knowledgeable about cars in general than I am!

As for making her laugh, well... you really haven't had a lot to laugh about lately, have you? Well, that can change. One thing that helps is to not take yourself too seriously. Try to be more light-hearted and playful. That's probably tough right now, but it will come. As you find more common interests and draw closer together it'll come in time.

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There is no romance what so ever between us. Man this post really made me sad just thinking about how long it has been since we actually dated...
Not the same for WW. OM and her has been dating and taking week end get a ways for months now. That is why she finds him so fun and romantic and me a dud.

He's not so fun and romantic anymore, I'll betcha.

But she's not given you the opportunity to be fun or romantic over the past year. Pepperband has a great idea about a weekend getaway. No pressure, but a chance to rekindle something.

One thing you might talk about, if she'll let you, is reminiscing about good times in the past. You've been with her since high school, right? So you've got a lot of shared history, and much of that is good and happy memories. That should bring up some laughter, too, remembering certain people from HS, certain teachers, funny things that happened.

One EN that was important to my W was Affection - and one thing she missed was non-sexual touching. Cuddling, etc. I hold her hand in public now every chance I get, I sit close to her on the couch every evening after the kids go to bed, foot massages, the like. Your W may not allow much of this at first, but it may be something important to her.

The main thing, I think, is to look for common interests, and to be open to being interested in things she is interested in. That will open up opportunities for conversation, which, as you get more comfortable and more loosened up around her, will give you more opportunities to make her laugh.

Good luck with all this, Dazed - you won't have a problem with it, once you get going. You mastered Plan A, you can master meeting her ENs. You da man!

Last edited by cuthbert calculus; 01/30/06 07:18 PM.

Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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One other thing - you are looking to sell your racing car, right? You might consider using the money from that to get something meaningful for your W.

I am selling off the collection of books I accumulated pursuing my own obsessive hobby, and I am going to use that money to buy my W the diamond engagement ring I should have given her 11 years ago. It's like alchemy - transforming the thing that drove us apart into a symbol of our commitment to one another.


Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
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B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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Dazed:

Just a couple of points to consider. Until your WW gets through Withdrawal, and that might be a couple of months, she may begrudge you for taking away the OM (Drug) that she enjoyed.

My FWW expressed no remorse for 3 to 4 months. Until the fog lifts completely, they feel justified. Once the fog lifts, they cannot escape themselves. Their conscience will work them over pretty good.

Recovery is painful and you will feel as uncertain in your marriage as if the affair is still on. You will wonder if she loves you, etc? By the way, she doesn't love you now but it can be rebuilt. She loves the feelings of the OM.

I was competing with a guy 23 yrs younger than me and 18 yrs younger than my wife. Do you think I was a fun and young in spirit. No way. Was he, yes.

In the end, hopefully you will feel it was worthwhile to save the M. I am glad my marriage was saved but it took eighteen months to two years to feel confident. You are going to have to keep digging for patience and understanding, because it is your strength alone that can save your marriage. WS's are too weak to even care. You will be abused and blamed but it is you alone that can save the day. Remember, no winners, only survivors so don't expect the trumpets to play, etc.

It is very anti-climatic at the end of the day. Reality is keeping the family together is better than not, that is, if she doesn't stray again. Hang in there.

TooSoon


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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Dazed,

Here's hoping the silence is a good sign and things are going well.

xring

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Friday Morning Update:

OM will not stop stalking WW at her work or around town.
She does not want to file orders on him or involve the police.
She told me last night that he called her work every five minutes yesterday. She said, she kept hanging up on him and he would just call back.
She told him that he needed to stop because he was going to get her fired. He told her good. I want you out of there today. You will go to work here with me.

I believe she will get to the point of wanting the orders and police. I have talked to her about PFS and calling the police. She does to want that. She says she feels guilty enough, that will just make it worse.

I had a lady police officer call her at work yesterday to visit with her about her options. I hope that planted a seed. WW did not get angry with me about setting her up for that phone call.

I do have a family friend on the police force that I had forgotten about calling until a friend reminded me yesterday. He is out of town on vacation right now. When he gets back in, I am hoping that I can get him to help me catch OM stalking my house and or chasing down WW.

I have held my fire with the PFS... Here is why.
The district court judge must issue the order. This requires a temporary orders hearing where both parties can present there case to the judge. My eveidence against OM is not to solid right now. Yes, he in on police record for circling my street and for calling my home and harrassing me last Sunday.
So, I am on the fence about this. The order says there must be proof of stalking has taken place. If WW is not going to file the orders I need more evidence to have the order placed on myself.
The last issue that I need to present to WW. He may want to call WW as a witness to support him. I am not sure how this would all go over.

Is he still driving by or watching our home? Yes, but not doing it so deliberately as he was. He is not visible doing it. He did tell WW yesterday that he is still outside our home and the police will not keep him away.
I told WW if he is so confident of himself where is he at? Why is he hiding? This is why we must take action...

My other thought was to go on a file the order and take him into the court room. Make him go in there and let him explain himself and lie to the judge. Even if the WW see's this as a LB now, later maybe she will not.
Then if he forces her into the court room this may be the final page on this loser and force this all to a head that will completely end this thing...

I need some help figuring what to do.

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Affair...DONE!!!! Game, Set, Match!!!! Now protect your family in every possible way!! If you have to....MOVE!!


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
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Hi Dazed,

Joyce Meyers has been preaching

"Keep on Walking When the Devil is Stalking"

for the past 5 days.

Please listen to the Radio program of all 5 parts...God will speak to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/home.plx?page=home&page_ref=Nav&section_id=NA

http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/broadc...p;section_id=NA

Blessings,
Lady

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Ok Dazed,

Here is what you do. You buy a video camera and you tape him with dates every time he comes by. You tape record ALL phone conversations to your House, and you speak with your W's boss about taping work phone. You can talk to the district attorney and see if they can subponea OM's phone records which would show constant calls to her office.

You collect the data because it is there to be collected, but you can surely tape calls to your house, and you can use your video camera. You can even have your WW that you are taping the calls.

Dazed, this is a serious problem and you need to see a lawyer, the police, even the DA in your town about this. Your W also needs to get her head out of her ??? and realize that she is may well be jeapordizing the safety of your daughter, you, and herself, not just her job, her reputation, or your physcial possessions.

It is time to play for keeps Dazed. Don't mess around with this guy.

God Bless,

JL

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He did tell WW yesterday that he is still outside our home and the police will not keep him away.


He is dangerous-crazy

very unpredictable

he could kill

I am serious

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Dazed, I don't think I have ever posted to you but I am a Telecom Manager and if your WW requests it and she files a police report her company can request a trap on the incoming calls from the phone company. Additionally, they should be protecting her by changing her extension and by screening her calls. I have done this and more for employees that were being stalked.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
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Dazed -
I agree with Pep - the man is dangerous. If he is calling her every 5 minutes, and still watching your house, I fear that youa re nto taking it serious enough.
you are trying not to upset your wife by taking action against this man. you don't want her to feel further embarassment. But this man watches you, your wife, and your DD come and go from that house. He is very likely to see you and your daughter as the only thing that stands in the way of his happiness. If you and your DD were out of the way, then surely your wife would choose to be with him and they could finally live happily ever after.

your wife doesn't want to file anything with the police department because she all ready feels bad enough? How bad is she going to feel when something happens to you or your daughter? You really need to get strong with your W, and tell her that you don't want to cause any more pain, or embarrasement, but you need to look out for you daughters safety, and allowing this man to stalk your home is not safe your daughter.


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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Can you afford to hire a PI for a day or two and have him keep an eye on your house all night and then follow your wife to work and watch to see what happens there? If a good PI could get photos and logs the stalking, then you could go to court on your own.

And like others have said, get recorders on your phone and see if your wife's boss will get a recorder on her work phone. I don't know what kind business she works at, but you OWE it to her boss to tell him what's going on. I'm sure he'd like to know that some psycho might come into the business and shoot up the place. Besides your daughter's life--which should be enough--innocent peoples' lives are at stake. It would be a terrible burden to know that you could've acted and prevented serious violence against your daughter or some other poor person who has nothing to do with this.

Seriously... your wife's feelings or saving your marriage aren't worth your daughter's life or the lifetime of scarring that would happen if your daughter witnessed you or your wife or both of you being murdered. Go check out some forums of kids who lived through something like that or of parents whose kids were murdered if you can't get yourself to act on this. This is serious and not worth the tiniest risk.

And really... if your wife is so self-centered and selfish that she doesn't give a *$%& about her own daughter living or dying or being in this situation, I don't know what to tell you... It's one thing to be in the fog, but this is an entirely new level of neglect of a child.

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She does not want to file orders on him or involve the police.

Dazed, you have to accept the fact that she is still addicted to the OM and is probably only telling you partial truths. I suspect she is sending him mixed messages and may even be calling him too.

NC is crucial to the saving of your marriage and she has to be 100% committed to end the affair to save the marriage. I don't think she is there yet.

I agree with the other posters, the OM could do harm to you and her both. I think you need to call the cops and to keep filing harrassment complaints against him. They are forced to take action because of the seriousness of domestic violence.

I was watching the first season of "The shield" and it showed the love triangle between two guys and a girl. Cops were called out to the house often and in the end, the loser of the woman killed the OM and the girlfriend both. That is not just for a tv show, it is everyday life happenings somewhere in the country.

TooSoon


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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The statistics show the value of protective orders being used as positive. Go to the dating section of the domestic violence. It described her OM.

http://www.dccadv.org/statistics.htm


Domestic violence crosses ethnic, racial, age, national origin, sexual orientation, religious and socioeconomic lines.


by the most conservative estimate, each year 1 million women suffer nonfatal violence by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 3.


by other estimates, 4 million American women experience a serious assault by an intimate partner during an average 12-month period.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.


nearly 1 in 3 adult women experience at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.


28% of all annual violence against women is perpetrated by intimates.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimization Survey, Violence Against Women (NCJ-145325), January 1994.


5% of all annual violence against men is perpetrated by intimates.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimization Survey, Violence Against Women (NCJ-145325), January 1994.


during 1994, 21% of all violent victimizations against women were committed by an intimate, but only 4% of violent victimizations against men were committed by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Sex Differences in Violent Victimization, 1994 (NCJ-164508), September, 1997, pp. 1-3.


in 1993, approximately 575,000 men were arrested for committing violence against women. approximately 49,000 women were arrested for committing violence against men.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.

RACE

Race is not indicative of who is at risk of domestic violence.


domestic violence is statistically consistent across racial and ethnic boundaries.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 3.


AGE

Batterers and victims may experience domestic violence at any age.


women ages 19-29 reported more violence by intimates than any other age group.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.


women aged 46 or older are least likely to be battered by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.


in a 1990 restraining order study, the age of abusers ranged from 17 - 70. two-thirds of the abusers were between the ages 24 and 40.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? (1996), p.195.


GENDER

An overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims in heterosexual relationships are women.


90 - 95% of domestic violence victims are women.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259), November 1994.


as many as 95% of domestic violence perpetrators are male.
A Report of the Violence against Women Research Strategic Planning Workshop sponsored by the National Institute of Justice in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1995.


much of female violence is committed in self-defense, and inflicts less injury than male violence.
Chalk & King, eds., Violence in Families: Assessing Prevention & Treatment Programs, National Resource Council and Institute of Medicine, p. 42 (1998).


during 1992-1993, women were 6 times more likely to experience violence by an intimate partner than men.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 1.


the chance of being victimized by an intimate is 10 times greater for a woman than a man.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimization Survey, Violence Against Women, 1994.


70% of intimate homicide victims are female.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259), November 1994.


male perpetrators are 4 times more likely to use lethal violence than females.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.44, table 7.


SAME-SEX BATTERING

Domestic violence occurs within same-sex relationships with the same statistical frequency as in heterosexual relationships.


the prevalence of domestic violence among Gay and Lesbian couples is approximately 25 - 33%.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 25.


battering among Lesbians crosses age, race, class, lifestyle and socio-economic lines.
Lobel, ed., Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering, 183 (1986).


each year, between 50,000 and 100,000 Lesbian women and as many as 500,000 Gay men are battered.
Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Val. U. L. Rev. 335 (1995).


while same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence, its victims receive fewer protections.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.


seven states define domestic violence in a way that excludes same-sex victims; 21 states have sodomy laws that may require same-sex victims to confess to a crime in order to prove they are in a domestic relationship.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.


many battered Gays or Lesbians fight back to defend themselves - it is a myth that same-sex battering is mutual.
Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Val. U. L. Rev. 335 (1995).


by 1994, there were over 1,500 shelters and safe houses for battered women. many of these shelters routinely deny their services to victims of same-sex battering.
Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Val. U. L. Rev. 335 (1995).


same-sex batterers use forms of abuse similar to those of heterosexual batterers. they have an additional weapon in the threat of "outing" their partner to family, friends, employers or community.
Lundy, Abuse That Dare Not Speak Its Name: Assisting Victims of Lesbian and Gay Domestic Violence in Massachusetts, 28 New Eng. L. Rev. 273 (Winter 1993).


BATTERED IMMIGRANT WOMEN

Battered immigrant women face unique legal, social and economic problems.


domestic violence is thought to be more prevalent among immigrant women than among U.S. citizens.
Anderson, A License to Abuse: The Impact of Conditional Status on Female Immigrants, 102 Yale L. J. 1401 (April 1993).


immigrant women may suffer higher rates of battering than U.S. citizens because they come from cultures which accept domestic violence, or because they have less access to legal and social services than U.S. citizens. in addition, immigrant batterers and victims may believe that the penalties and protections of the U.S. legal system do not apply to them.
Orloff et al., With No Place to Turn: Improving Advocacy for Battered Immigrant Women, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 313 (Summer 1995).


a battered woman who is not a legal resident, or whose immigration status depends on her partner, is isolated by cultural dynamics which may prevent her from leaving her husband or seeking assistance from the legal system. these factors contribute to the higher incidence of abuse among immigrant women.
Orloff et al., With No Place to Turn: Improving Advocacy for Battered Immigrant Women, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 313 (Summer 1995).


some obstacles faced by battered immigrant women include: a distrust of the legal system arising from their experiences with the system in their native countries; cultural and language barriers; and fear of deportation.
Orloff et al., With No Place to Turn: Improving Advocacy for Battered Immigrant Women, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 313 (Summer 1995).


a battered immigrant woman may not understand that she can personally tell her story in court, or that a judge will believe her. based on her experience in her native country, she may believe that only those who are wealthy or have ties to the government will prevail in court. batterers often manipulate these beliefs by convincing the victim he will prevail in court because he is a male, a citizen or that he has more money.
Orloff et al., With No Place to Turn: Improving Advocacy for Battered Immigrant Women, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 313 (Summer 1995).


although a victim may be in the country legally by virtue of her marriage to the batterer, their status may be conditional; in this situation it is common for a batterer to exert his control over his wife's immigration status in order to force her to remain in the relationship.
Jang, Caught in a Web: Immigrant Women and Domestic Violence, National Clearinghouse (Special Issue 1994), p. 400.


undocumented women may be reported to Immigration and Naturalization Services by law enforcement or social services personnel from whom they may seek assistance.
Jang, Caught in a Web: Immigrant Women and Domestic Violence, National Clearinghouse (Special Issue 1994), p. 397-399.


a battered immigrant woman is often trapped in an abusive relationship by economics. she may have legal or practical impediments to obtaining employment or public assistance.
Jang, Caught in a Web: Immigrant Women and Domestic Violence, National Clearinghouse (Special Issue 1994), p. 403.


batterered immigrant women who attempt to flee may have no access to bilingual shelters, financial assistance or food. it is unlikely that she will have the assistance of a certified interpreter in court, when reporting complaints to police or a 911 operator, or even in acquiring information about her rights and the legal system.
Orloff et al., With No Place to Turn: Improving Advocacy for Battered Immigrant Women, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 313 (Summer 1995).


WELFARE RECIPIENTS

Domestic violence may affect a woman's ability to financially support herself and her children.


past and current victims of domestic violence are over-represented in the welfare population. the majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse in their adult lives, and a high percentage are currently abused.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare , p. 20 (1997).


abused (past or current) welfare recipients experience higher levels of health or mental health problems such as a physical disability, or serious or acute depression.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, p. 21 (1997).


15 - 50% of abused women report interference from their partner with education, training or work.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, p. 22 (1997).


welfare studies show that abused women do seek employment, but are unable to maintain it. it is possible that domestic violence presents a barrier to sustained labor market participation.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, p. 22 (1997).


examples of abusers' sabotage of their victims' attempts to work include: calling her employer and ordering the victim to quit; making allegations requiring the victim to appear before the police, court or social services; threatening to kill the victim; committing suicide in front of the victim; sabotaging the victim's car; beating her up on the way to an interview; stealing her work uniforms; starting fights each day before school or work; breaking the victim's writing arm repeatedly; manipulating her schedule by demanding visitation with the children; stalking; starting fights or threatening abuse which affects her ability to concentrate at work; or encouraging continued drug addition.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, pp. 10-14 (1997).


between one- and two-thirds of welfare recipients reported having suffered domestic violence at some point in their adult lives; between 15 - 32% reported current domestic victimization.
Raphael & Tolman, Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, p. 21 (1997).


RECIDIVISM

Battering tends to be a pattern of violence rather than a one-time occurrence.


during the six months following an episode of domestic violence, 32% of battered women are victimized again.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Preventing Domestic Violence Against Women, 1986.


47% of men who beat their wives do so at least 3 times per year.
AMA Diagnostic & Treatment Guidelines on Domestic Violence, SEC: 94-677:3M:9/94 (1994).


short term (6-12 week) psycho-educational batterer-intervention programs helped some batterers stop immediate physical violence but were inadequate in stopping abuse over time. some batterers became more sophisticated in their psychological abuse and intimidation after attending such programs.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 85.


six months after obtaining a protection order: 8% of victims reported post-order physical abuse; 26% reported respondent came to or called their home or workplace; 65% reported no further problems.
CPOs: the Benefits and Limitations for Victims of Domestic Violence, National Center for State Courts Research Report, 1997.


CHILDREN

Domestic violence has immediate and long term detrimental effects on children.


each year, an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence by family members against their mothers or female caretakers.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 11.


in homes where partner abuse occurs, children are 1,500 times more likely to be abused.
Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Assistance, Family Violence: Interventions for the Justice System, 1993.


40-60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 80.


fathers who batter mothers are 2 times more likely to seek sole physical custody of their children than are non-violent fathers.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 40.


in one study, 27% of domestic homicide victims were children.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p. 45, table 11.


when children are killed during a domestic dispute, 90% are under age 10; 56% are under age 2.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.51, table 28.


DATING VIOLENCE

Violence against intimates may occur even though the victim does not live with her abuser.


violence against women occurs in 20% of dating couples.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.


an average of 28% of high school and college students experience dating violence at some point.
Brustin, S., Legal Response to Teen Dating Violence, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 331 (Summer 1995) (citing Levy, In Love & In Danger: a teen's guide to breaking free of an abusive relationship, 1993).


26% of pregnant teens reported being physically abused by their boyfriends. about half of them said the battering began or intensified after he learned of her pregnancy.
Brustin, S., Legal Response to Teen Dating Violence, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 333-334 (Summer 1995) (citing Worcester, A More Hidden Crime: Adolescent Battered Women, The Network News, July/Aug., national Women's Health Network 1993).


victims of dating violence report the abuse takes many forms: insults, humiliation, monitoring the victim's movements, isolation of the victim from family and friends, suicide threats, threats to harm family or property, and physical or sexual abuse. their abusers also blamed them for the abuse, or used jealousy as an excuse.
Brustin, S., Legal Response to Teen Dating Violence, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 336 (Summer 1995) (citing Gamache, Domination and Control: The Social Context of Dating Violence, in Dating Violence, Young Women in Danger, Levy, ed. 1991).


25 - 33% of adolescent abusers reported that their violence served to "intimidate," frighten," or "force the other person to give me something."
Brustin, S., Legal Response to Teen Dating Violence, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 335 (Summer 1995).


SELF-DEFENSE

Many battered women attempt to physically defend themselves from abuse.


marital homicide differs significantly by gender: a large proportion of the killings by women are acts of self-defense, while almost none of the killings by men are acts of self-defense.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project: Executive Summary, 1997.


defensive action by battered women to protect themselves or their children is often interpreted by law enforcement as an act of domestic violence. the number of battered women arrested for committing acts of violence against their partners has disproportionately increased in communities that overuse "dual arrest."
Promising Practices Initiatives Report on the Expert Panels on Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Stalking Technical Assistance Project, U.S. Department of Justice, 1997.


PHYSICAL INJURY AND MEDICAL TREATMENT

Victims of domestic violence often require medical care, although they may conceal the cause of their injuries.


female victims of violence are 2.5 times more likely to be injured when the violence is committed by an intimate than when committed by a stranger.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.


because domestic abuse is an ongoing cycle producing increasingly severe injuries over time, battered women are likely to see physicians frequently.
Children's Safety Network, Domestic Violence: A Directory of Protocols for Health Care Providers (1992) p. (I).


the rate of domestic violence detection by emergency room doctors is low.
Abbott et al., Domestic Violence Against Women: Incidence and Prevalence in an Emergency Department Population, Journal of the American Medical Association, vol.273, no. 22, 1763, 1766 (June 1995).


although battered women comprise 20 - 30% of ambulatory care patients, only 1 in 20 is correctly identified as such by medical practitioners.
Hyman et al., Laws Mandating Reporting of Domestic Violence: Do They Promote Patient Well-Being?, Journal of the American Medical Association, vol. 273, no. 22, 1781 (June 1995).


one study found that less than 3% of women visiting emergency rooms disclosed or were asked about domestic violence by a nurse or physician.
Abbott et al., Domestic Violence Against Women: Incidence and Prevalence in an Emergency Department Population, Journal of the American Medical Association, vol. 273, no. 22, 1763, 1765 (June 1995).


the use of emergency room protocols for identifying and treating victims of domestic violence has been found to increase the identification of victims by medical practitioners from 5.6% to 30%.
Children's Safety Network, Domestic Violence: A Directory of Protocols for Health Care Providers (1992) p. (I).


17% of those who visit emergency rooms for treatment are documented as having come as a result of being injured by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Violence-Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments (NCJ-156921), August 1997. p. 5.


37% of women injured by violence and treated in an emergency room were injured by an intimate; less than 5% of men injured by violence and treated in an emergency room were injured by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Violence-Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments (NCJ-156921), August 1997. p. 5.


243,000 people receiving emergency room treatment for violence-related injuries in 1994 had been injured by an intimate. female victims outnumbered males 9 to 1.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Violence-Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments (NCJ-156921), August 1997. p. 5.


"acute domestic violence" was the reason for 1 out of 9 patients emergency room visit among women with a current partner.
Abbott et al., Domestic Violence Against Women: Incidence and Prevalence in an Emergency Department Population, Journal of the American Medical Association, vol. 273, no. 22, 1763, 1765 (June 1995).


one study of women visiting emergency rooms for treatment found that 54% had been threatened or injured by an intimate partner at some time in their lives, and 24% reported having been injured by their current partner in the past.
Abbott et al., Domestic Violence Against Women: Incidence and Prevalence in an Emergency Department Population, Journal of the American Medical Association, vol. 273, no. 22, 1763, 1765 (June 1995).


LAW ENFORCEMENT

Intervention of the police and the court system can be improved in domestic violence cases.


every state allows its police to arrest perpetrators of misdemeanor domestic violence incidents upon probable cause, and more than half of the states and the district of columbia havelaws requiring police to arrest on probable cause for at least some domestic violence crimes.
Zorza, Mandatory Arrest for Domestic Violence: Why it may prove the best first step in curbing repeat abuse, Criminal Justice, vol. 10, no. 3, p. 66 (Fall 1995).


only about one-seventh of all domestic assaults come to the attention of the police.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p. 3.


female victims of domestic violence are 6 times less likely to report crime to law enforcement as female victims of stranger violence.
American Psychl. [censored]'n, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.


when an injury was inflicted upon a woman by her intimate partner, she reported the violence to the police only 55% of the time. she was even less likely to report violence when she did not sustain injury.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 5.


some studies indicate that arresting a batterer increases recidivism, while some studies indicate that arrest serves as a deterrent for future domestic violence.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 46 (1996).


arresting a batterer may reduce violence in the short term, but may increase violence in the long term.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 43, 49 (1996).


the varying effect of arrest on abusers may be related to the amount the batterer has to lose from facing the social consequences of arrest. the single most consistent result of studies of the effect of arrest on batterers is that unemployed suspects become more violent after an arrest, and employed suspects do not.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? pp. 48-49 (1996).


even if arrest may not deter unemployed abusers, arrest still deters the vast majority of abusers.
Zorza, The Criminal Law of Misdemeanor Domestic Violence, 1970-1990. The Journal of Criminal Law & Criminology (Northwestern School of Law), vol. 83, no. 1, p. 66 (1992).


possession of a gun by anyone subject to a protection order is prohibited by federal law.
The Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, 18 U.S.C. 922(g)(8).


purchase or ownership of a gun by anyone convicted of a misdemeanor domestic violence offense is prohibited by federal law.
Domestic Violence Offenders Gun Ban (1996), 18 U.S.C. 922(g)(9).


PROTECTION ORDERS

Protection orders decrease, but do not eliminate, the risk of continuing abuse or homicide.


a protection order issued by one U.S. state or indian tribe is valid and enforceable in any other U.S. state or Indian tribe.
Violence Against Women Act of 1994, 18 U.S.C. 2265.


in cases of marital or dating violence, which accounted for 82% of all protection order cases, 90% of defendants were male.
Adams & Powell, Tragedies of Domestic Violence: A qualitative analysis of civil restraining orders in Massachusetts, Office of the Commissioner of Probation, Massachusetts Trial Court, p. 9 (1995).


35% of women with temporary protection orders did not return for a protection order because respondent stopped battering her; 17% because service of process was not achieved.
CPOs: the Benefits and Limitations for Victims of Domestic Violence, National Center for State Courts Research Report, 1997.


more than 17% of domestic homicide victims had a protection order against the perpetrator at the time of the killing.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.46, table 15.


although the majority of batterers do not have criminal records, the majority of batterers brought to court by their victims for a protection order had criminal records.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 10 (1996).


protection order defendants who had prior criminal histories were more likely to violate the order than those who did not.
Adams & Powell, Tragedies of Domestic Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Civil Restraining Orders in Massachusetts, Office of the Commissioner of Probation, Massachusetts Trial Court, p. 17 (1995).


in one study, nearly half of the victims who obtained a protection order were re-abused within two years.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 10 (1996).


the majority of women who seek temporary protection orders have complaints of serious abuse: physical assaults, threats to kill or harm her, or attempts or threats to take the children.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 216 (1996).


in one study of women seeking temporary protection orders, 56% has sustained physical injuries.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 216 (1996).


60% of women in one study reported acts of abuse after the entry of a protection order, and 30% reported acts of severe violence.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 223 (1996).


entry of a protection order did not appear to deter most types of abuse, but it did significantly reduce the likelihood of acts of psychological abuse such as preventing the victim from leaving her home, going to work, using a car or telephone, and stalking and harassing behaviors.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 228-229 (1996).


one study showed 80% of women with temporary protection order said the order was somewhat or very helpful in sending the batterer a message that his actions were wrong. less than 50% of the women thought that the batterer believed he had to obey the order.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 218 (1996).


most violations of protection orders leading to an arrest occurred within 90 days of the entry of the order.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 200 (1996).


60% of those obtaining protection orders in one study reported violations within one year.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 240 (1996).


calls to police due to violations of protection orders were high, but the arrests were rare.
Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work? p. 239 (1996).


17% of protection orders defendants in a 1995 study were arraigned for a violation of the order within one year.
Adams & Powell, Tragedies of Domestic Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Civil Restraining Orders in Massachusetts, Office of the Commissioner of Probation, Massachusetts Trial Court, p. 15 (1995).


6% of protection order defendants were convicted of violating the order.
Adams & Powell, Tragedies of Domestic Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Civil Restraining Orders in Massachusetts, Office of the Commissioner of Probation, Massachusetts Trial Court, p. 17 (1995).


STALKING

Batterers may attempt to frighten or control their victims through stalking.


some advocates believe up to 80% of stalking cases occur within intimate relationships.
Domestic Violence, Stalking and Anti-Stalking Legislation, an Annual Report to Congress under the Violence Against Women Act, National Institute of Justice Research, April 1996, p. 3.


if stalking occurs within an intimate relationship, it typically begins after the woman attempts to leave the relationship.
Domestic Violence, Stalking and Anti-Stalking Legislation, an Annual Report to Congress under the Violence Against Women Act, National Institute of Justice Research, April 1996, p. 1.



SEPARATION VIOLENCE

When a woman leaves her batterer, her risk of serious violence or death increases dramatically.


separated/divorced women are 14 times more likely than married women to report having been a victim of violence by their spouse or ex-spouse.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Female Victims of Violent Crime, 1991.


women separated from their husbands were 3 times more likely to be victimized by spouses than divorced women, and 25 times more likely to be victimized by spouses than married women.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.


65% of intimate homicide victims physically separated from the perpetrator prior to their death.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.47, table 17.


HOMICIDE

Domestic homicide is often the culmination of an escalating history of abuse.


female homicide victims are more than twice as likely to have been killed by an intimate partner than are male homicide victims.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: Female Victims of Violent Crime, December, 1996.


88% of victims domestic violence fatalities had a documented history of physical abuse.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, pp.46-48, tables 14-21.


44% of victims of intimate homicides had prior threats by the killer to kill victim or self. 30% had prior police calls to the residence. 17% had a protection order.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, pp.46-48, tables 14-21.


for homicides in which the victim-killer relationship was known, 31% of female victims were killed by an intimate. 4% of male victims were killed by an intimate.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Sex Differences in Violent Victimization, 1994 (NCJ-164508), September, 1997, p. 1.


70% of intimate-partner homicide victims are women.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259) November, 1994.


a woman is the perpetrator in 19% of domestic homicides.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.44, table 7.


when a woman is the perpetrator of a domestic homicide, typically the abuser was killed during an assaultive incident in which the woman was the victim.
Browne, When Battered Women Kill, pp. 135-137 (1987).


in a 1967 study, 60% of husbands who were killed by their wives precipitated their own deaths by being the first to use physical force or threaten with a weapon.
Browne, When Battered Women Kill, p. 10 (1987).


homicides committed by victims during a battering incident were often committed with the abuser's own weapon.
Browne, When Battered Women Kill, p. 140 (1987).


a 1978 study found that almost all of the wives who had killed their husbands had previously been beaten by their husbands.
Browne, When Battered Women Kill, p. 10 (1987).


of women killed in 1992, their relationship to the killer was known in 69% of homicides. of this percent, 28% were killed by spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: National Crime Victimization Survey, 1995.


of men killed in 1992, their relationship to the killer was known in 59% of homicides. of this percent, 3% were killed by spouse, ex-spouse, girlfriend or ex-girlfriend.
Bureau of Justice Statistics: National Crime Victimization Survey, 1995.


MULTIPLE-VICTIM HOMICIDE

In some domestic homicides, the perpetrator kills more than one person.


in 1994, 38% of domestic homicides were multiple-victim, usually combining a spouse homicide and suicide, or child homicide.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.45, table 12.


where there are multiple victims in a domestic homicide, 89% of perpetrators are male.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review Project, 1997, p.52, table 29.

*reprinted with permission from the American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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