ok, good. I would let your W know that you are going nowhere. She really needs to have that bubble burst quite quickly. She is probably thinking you are going to roll over and make this easy for her. She should be disabused of that notion quickly so she can start considering the consequences of her actions.

Its always best to play hardball when it comes to protecting your finances and/or children.

It's hard to beleive that if required to play hardball that anything good will come of it. Anyone I've seen involved in this sort of thing always ends up divorced and bitter - I don't want to go down that road.
BTW in the state of LA where the other man lives w/ his wife a divorce can be granted w/o waiting period if Adultry is involved...funny the things I researched when trying to learn about the enemy!

spinmaker, by playing hardball, we mean protecting yourself and getting the best deal possible for YOU, the victim, rather than rewarding her for destroying your marriage. Right now you have to take every step to protect yourself from her and make sure you don't get hurt financially. See what I mean? I don't mean to imply you should instigate malicious legal actions.

Spinmaker. I am a fellow Canuck. You can be separated a year for a divorce. EVEN IF ONE PERSON DOESN"T WANT IT! THis means, if your WW moves out, the clock starts then. And you will not be able to stop her. A few delays, etc. But after a year, she can file and then it is 90 days til finalization.

The exception is that if you decide you have had enough, your divorce on grounds of adultery will be final in 31 days after the court hearing.

Don't panic, though. But I sure did. Needless to say, I did not share this information with my WH. HE wants to file for separation along with the financials. That he won't sign. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But even if he didn't the clock is ticking. I am doing a bit of RB (Thanks Orchid) coupled with reverse psychology and DEMANDING that he sign the papers IMMEDIATELY. WHich guarantees that he won't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Women can be so devious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

You have the greatest team giving you advice on our posts. Mel, B, Pep et al. Listen to them. They will help you survive.. And they know what they are talking about.

As far a Canadian law, I could become a lawyer now. Sigh. Hang in there. DO NOT MOVE OUT! THe Worst thing you could do if you plan to try to save your marriage.

And as far as custody, you have as much chance of getting them as she. Honest. But if you leave, and the kids stay with her, there is little chance of that option.

Good Luck!

Hey FAA,

I was in Victoria earlier this month on a work conference……I really like that town……but I digress,

Spinmaker,

She may very well try to back date the separation…it’s a common tactic. The year separation is required right across this country too. The divorce act is federal legislation and does not vary from province to province in that regard.

I know someone suggested journaling what occurs. I agree especially when it comes to care for the children. Get one of those date books from Staples; the ones with one page per day. Document what she does that involves the children and how her actions are inconsistent with appropriate parenting. Document what you do and how you are gearing your life to being a half time (at least) parent. Continue to try and save the marriage, but prepare for the worst. You may have to give this evidence in court. Notes made at the time in your handwriting will have far more credibility than her memory off the top of her head. It will have even further credibility if all is documented…both positive and negative.

I changed my career path from what was an extremely exciting job with shifts, to a relatively mundane one that had me working days. This was done so I could have my children half time and I get them every weekend. I need no childcare when they are with me as I work 4 -10 hour shifts a week. These actions speak volumes to a court if it went that way. My STBXWW thinks we’ll go to a week on/a week off when my daughter is in school. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Why would I want to give up my kids on the weekends? My point is....do what you must to accommodate a lifestyle that may be thrust upon you.

Also…..beware of your finances right now. Close any joint line of credit you may have. My WW took 5K from ours to put a deposit on a house. She also stole family money via the credit cards. Cancel them…get your own…it only takes a day. Any joint accounts should be liquidated and she can get half. You can do this without making it an LB. Simply tell her you need to protect the family assets and yourself from being hurt financially on top of the emotional anguish you have to endure as a result of her actions.

Stay in the house. Your friends and family are merely parroting the tradition that the man should leave the house and mom stay with the kids. She of course is giving them the same crap my WW did about this having nothing to do with her bumping uglies with another man.

I hear what you are saying regarding “playing hardball”, but she needs to know you will not simply roll up your sleeping bag and ride into the sunset because of her self-entitled, family destroying, mid-life tantrum. That does not mean going to court over the Tupperware, just that you will get what you are entitled to. I took advantage of my WW”S residual guilt and did get a separation agreement in place that was far more generous to me than the courts would have granted.

Upon signing that document I’ve spoken to her less than 3 minutes in total in the last 14 mos. That’s plan B…..if your WW leaves the home I suggest that is the most appropriate time to implement that. It’s still premature, but plan for the worst….hope for the best.

Well, my, my, the Canucks are coming out of the woodwork.

Yup...darn near half the population of this country is on this thread. There's a line-up for both of the Canadian computers.

Bwaahahahah - Binder, you are too funny!!! When spin was first talking about Canada, I knew there were some folks here, but didn't realize how many. Nothing like supporting a fellow countryman.

Listen to Binder..protect yourself! Listen to your lawyer.

What most people do not understand is that many states will grant you a divorce IF you have been separated, legally or not, for a year. It is NOT necessary though. I was divorced less than 70 days after I was served.

The other thing is the house. You need to be prepared for her to request that you be removed from the home because it is not in the best interest of the children.

Look...I arrived home from work to 5 police cars in my driveway. My first thought "Oh my God an accident"...until a friend, who is a deputy, said...SMOMY, are you having marital issues?? My response was " I am now"...I was served an order of protection, she was grated temp. custody (which in NY might as well be perm), and I had a court date in a week....I had to get my stuff and leave...in 20 minutes...

never, ever trust them....now when they're hellbent on wrecking it all...

My lawyer tells me I can't be kicked out of my house because my name is on the deed - as well as hers - I have as much right to be here as her....I find it hard to beleive that she would trump up anything...anyone who knows me would realize that it is not possable. Our joint credit card is cancelled and I had her send a letter to remove me - my own does not have her on it - I set up my own account etc and we've called bank to have LC split the only joint things now are van lease and house. I will prevail.
BTW - I have come to beleive it must be the flouride that they put in the water here in Canada that effects the Brain cells of the female it hardens the cells and distorts the history section.

Hey, Binder. (waving) The Dork is the one in Victoria. I am on the Mainland. Bought a TH here

Spinmaker. I understand that this is the hardest fight of your life. And it is even harder to fight for your marriage in this sitch. Check my name. I do understand.

The things I have learned this past year are lessons I would not wish on my worst enemy. Hey! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> My worst enemy is my WH! You will NOT recognize anything that your WW does. If she is a good mother, she can and most probably will, be neglectful. If she was honest, she will become a consistent liar.

You will be humiliated and hurt and embarassed by her behaviour. Guaranteed.

When Mel and Pep, and Believer and Weaver and FF, (Hi Guys) tell you to play hardball now, they know what they are talking about. Work for the best but prepare for the worst.

That is the biggest lesson that I learned.

Well that is not strictly the truth. What the BIGGEST truth I learned was that WS are NEVER unique. There really is a WS handbook running through their heads. Check out Dorkisms in the search or there is another newer one happening.

Usually the BS is in shock and wants to be "fair" as well. After all, this WS is the person they most trusted and loved in the world, right? WRONG! THis is a WS not your partener. NEVER confuse the twon of them. TOTALLY different beasts!

Every single WS some more, and some less, but ALWAYS does the most hurtful selfish and cruel things imaginable. Not only to the BS but to the family and friends. And 99% of the time, the BS is caught off guard.

I read here and I see the "Oh my WS would never do that!" I did it too. But short of the physical abuse, everything else was like a script that they talk about at MB.

YOU CANNOT TRUST THEM. As they say: If they open their mouth, it is a lie. If they say they need time away to think about their M but need to get away. ASSUME they are planning to spend time in the arms of OP. Unless you have proof that you have gained through your own resources.

NEVER help them do anything to speed up the process. NEVER give up your house. Would you like to have OM in your house and bed? I twill happen. DO you want your kids exposed to this OP? It will happen unless you prepare now.

NEVER give up your kids. I think of WH as insane.I pay no attention to what he says. (Well I try not to) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I make ALL the decisions when it comes to things that affect me. WS CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Now that being said, play your cards close to your chest. And fight like he!!. For your family and for your M.

lol There seems to be a similar disease in the US that effects the brains of wayward spouses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Fightingalone-again.

Well said.

Gimble

Good job, fighting-alone! Those are such important points.

"I find it hard to beleive that she would trump up anything...anyone who knows me would realize that it is not possible"

Remember the Police don't know you and the judge sure the heck doesn't know you!! And they are the ones that count!!

"I find it hard to beleive that she would trump up anything...anyone who knows me would realize that it is not possible"

I am sure you never thought she would be having sex with another man and ****** bent on destroying your family either.

About the lies...do they ever stop? Will they? What triggers the WS to decide to STOP lieing. Every hunch that I have had has turned out to be true and when confronted..more lies or the "you are invading my privacy" when asked about somthing she skirts the issue and addresses a secoundary issue or brings up a negative about me/relationship - I swear it's like the first part of the conversation she had me on mute - its like she didn't even hear it! I just don't get it. Sure I've lied in the past to cover my butt...however this is crazy...when we have a conversation she actually takes minutes to respond and I know it is because she is trying to remember what she said in the past or to put a different spin - this is not an unconcious act it's delibrate. What about you folks who were WW - can you explain?

spinmaker, an affair is an addiction. The WS knows that it is wrong, but they feel like they cannot stop themselves. Therefore, they must make up a whole web of lies and rationalizations to justify their wrongdoing. They must make someone other than themselves the BAD GUY in order to live with themselves. Sometimes they even believe their own bs! However, once the addiction of the affair has worn off, they stop lying and come back to sanity.

I liken it to dealing with an alcoholic. They lie and lie to justify their drinking. It is the same with a WS.

If and when the come back to sanity...will they address the issues or will they continue down the path they are on...I mean the lies haven't been little white ones...she has lied to everyone me/family friends etc - if she does an about face - it will be very difficult to save face or even face many of the people - the easy road for her will be to continue to divorce therefore not have to deal with it.

BTW was informed today by the WW that her father is going to front the $$'s to buy me out - this is the same guy who has been telling me in private to keep up the good fight - I haven't spoke to him in a while but he supported our marriage just a few months ago...he said he had to support his daughter because she is her daughter but that she wouldn't listen to his advice - that it was I who had to save the marriage - he felt if he got involved further then it would mess things up. Well fronting the dough doesn't sound like support of her marriage and his grand children.