I just never imagined I would ever feel this way. After almost 10 years of marriage (13 years as a couple) I am finding myself attracted to another. I truly believed in the vows to my husband and God on the day of our marriage, but something has changed in me and I hate it. I will probably never act on this urge, but it is there in the back of my mind and the actual thought of cheating is enough to sicken me. I realize that just the thought of cheating is a sin to God and I am so ashamed but it's so strong in me I can't seem to shake this feeling-I hate myself.

I met this person several years ago and we dated briefly. We were too young and I stupidly broke things off (and now I am suffering from a powerful case of the "what-if's"). I got married later (I was still way to young but it is what I wanted at the time) to a very wonderful man but I feel that maybe he was too young too. The person I am attracted to is very much like my husband in many ways but drastically different in other ways. I met up with him at a get together (didn't know he was going to be there) and I was instantly slapped in the face with the memories and good times of when we were younger... as soon as his eyes locked with mine from across the room. something almost snapped in me! I hadn't really carried much of a flame for him but thought of him a couple of times a year (if that) if something were to remind me of him...I really thought more of him like an old, distant friend. At the get-together, I found myself gathering up the courage to go and talk to him and as I did I found myself instantly and secretly relieved when he told me he had never married. He was never inappropriate and never really flirted but in retrospect I think I was flirting with him a little. I realize that sometimes a little harmless flirting can be good for a marriage as it gives the person a little "lift" (the "I still got it" feeling) with no lasting repercussions as long as the other spouse is okay with it. My hubby and I have always trusted each other and have never had any problems with a little harmless flirting and it's almost unavoidable as he's a musician and has girls paying attention to him at shows. It never goes too far and it is mostly on the girls part and not on his. I have never felt jealous or worried.

Okay, so I am tired and I think what I wrote above is a little hard to follow, and I apologize. Basically, here's my issue. I have met an old flame from years ago that I never gave a fighting chance. He's still not ever married. I don't have kids with my hubby and don't plan to for quite some time still, especially now that I am feeling this way...even though we had been talking about maybe trying in a few more years recently. My hubby and I were each other's first. I don't believe in sleeping around and I am proud that my hubby and I haven't been with anyone else. Having said that, I think I am sometimes wondering if this is what sex is supposed to be like. I am not too keen on our sex together but I still try to get into it when he wants to, I try not to ever turn him down and I always do my best to get into the moment. Since I have never been with anyone else I don't know? I guess I feel like maybe I am missing out? I feel so selfish.

This feeling wont go away, and there are too many reasons to type why I really would love to be with this new person. I realize a lot of it is just because it would be a new relationship and once the new wore off it would get old just as this relationship seems to have. I think some of my negativity with my present relationship stems from the fact that I get absolutely no help around my house. My husband uses our home as a dumping ground for his stuff and is always off to his next activity. He works, goes to school, owns his own business and is a musician. He says he wants to spend more time with me and sometimes for a while he does, but sooner than later he's filled his schedule with something else and I am left home alone. We don't need the money so it's not to support us. I am a professional, work a full time job and I have also gone back to school. I am trying to fill my days up so I don't have to come home to an empty house. It's getting old though, and it's unfullfilling. I am lonely, my husband knows it and doesn't do much to help me. I sometimes think he is gone so much to avoid me possibly, although when we are together he says he is happy and very fulfilled with our marriage. He is so proud of the fact that we saved each other for marriage and holds that in high regards. He says to me if we were to ever divorce it would crush him, and the fact is I think it would crush me too. I don't think I could handle seeing him with someone else, so I know I still love him. I just don't know what to do...I know this other person would love to start a relationship and that's killing me. If I knew it weren't so I would probably be okay and I would still be "happy" with my hubby. I know this isn't really true or I wouldn't have let this get to me, but it's the way I feel and I am trying to be honest about this and get some help. If I were to talk to my hubby about this I am sure we would be over, even though I've not done anything...it's all in my mind. He's very "black or white" so I feel trapped in these feelings. The fact that this other man would treat me very well (in many aspects better than my present situation) and we would be secure doesn't help anything. I can't tell you all the reasons why tonight (too much typing) but I know it would work out, it's just one of those gut feelings and not wishful thinking. It's one like I've never had before. I wasn't even this confident on my wedding day, even though I thought I was at the time. Can anyone please give me some suggestions? I am praying like a mad woman to help God help me get these sinful feelings out of my mind and heart. I want to do the right thing but maybe this marriage has run it's course? I just don't know??!?!!?

Welcome to MB-

I am a FWW/BS and I can tell you that you are doing the right thing by reaching out. I wish I had done this. I have been regretting what I did to our M, and the horrific pain it caused my H, for so long. We are both struggling every single day because of our As. I have the shame and guilt for what I did and the constant reminders of what he did. My H does not respect me and his every word and action makes me feel like he hates the mere sight of me. I would not wish what we are going through on my worst enemy (well, maybe OW--LOL!).

Stop this now. Do not allow it to go any further. Run like HeII!! You need to go to NC with this OM. If you do not, I promise you that you will regret that decision for the rest of your life.

Read the articles on this site about infidelity. You are in an affair right now-- it is an emotional affair. It is a fantasy relationship. All WS re-write marital history and are convinced life would be so much better with the OP. And, they usually think they are in love too. It is all in the script. Your situation is not "unique" or "special". We have heard the same things over and over again--regardless of who is saying it. It is actually quite eerie how similar the stories sound. Do everything and anything you can to stop this EA here and now.

It sounds like your H has not been meeting your most important ENs for some time and that is usually the precursor to an A. But, you need to take it deeper and figure out what is it in you that is allowing you to drop all your beliefs so you can have this A?

You need to start communicating with your H and tell him what is going on. I would buy "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley.

Make the right decision before this A gets anymore serious. I am telling you, I wish everyday that I could go back to where you are (well, further back) and not do what I have done. You will wreak pain upon yourself and your family like you have never known and you will have to live with the guilt of that selfishness for the rest of your life. Do not do this any longer. If I can help another person avoid what we are going through, atleast all of this is not for nothing.

Dear Sad,

I Corinthians 7:10-11

But to the married I give instrutions,not I, but the Lord that the wife should not leave her husband, but if dhe does leave, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.

To sin or not to sin?
To be selfish or not selfish? That is the question.

Now what does that all mean?
If you read the posts hear you know the pain you will cause. Not just for your H, but for you and the other man.


The devil makes sin very attractive, but he wants to destory you, your marriage and your life.

So which door will you choose? Door #1 salvation
Door # 2 Sin,pain, suffering.

It sounds to me like your marriage can be fixed. Read the articles here on how affairs start and should end, because you are having an EA right now.

I will ptay for you and your husband.
With love,
VTY

Sadlady,

Just don't do it. My wife went completely down the same slippery slope you now find yourself 1/3 the way down. An old high school boyfiend that was recently divorced contacted her through Classmates dot com. It was over this past June and my wife completely regrets every moment of the affair.

This OM is not worth your integrity. If the OM is/was so great then why had you rejected him previously? If you were single today would this single man that seemingly without conscious pursues a married woman appeal to you? (If you still think he would I would surmise you are already in way to deep).

If you are still around email me at the address below as I have a file that you may benefit from. The file will provide you with a list of motivators to perhaps convince you to do what you "oughta" do instead of what you emotional "want" to do. (It is to large a list to post here). Your post and just being here asking for advice clearly indicates to me you are struggling with your dilemma but ultimately you know the difference between right and wrong. Although, your devious side can easily come up with a ton of justifications and rationalizations for behaving badly, it is extremely difficult in the heat of emotion to think of reasons to do what you know is right. Please email me so I can perhaps help you and give you that one kernal of knowledge/hope that will keep you from making a terrible mistake.

I hope to hear from you,

Mr. Wondering

Please, please don't down a path you know is wrong. You posted here because you know what you are contemplating is wrong. I have also done what you are thinking about and the stain it has left on my soul is indelible.

Please, just try to pour yourself into your marriage. Your DH is probably not happy with the status either. What is it that you want? Please respect your DH enough to think that he might actually want to be that for you. What is your DH lacking in, what are his needs and wants and dreams.

I know about the what ifs, the road not taken, all the romantic crap we tell ourselves. But you know this is not who you are-or you wouldn't be asking for help to stop it.

Hello sadlady,

Welcome to MB.

I too am glad you reached out to us before something more serious happened.I hear *a lot* of rationalizations and questioning going on and I understand what you are saying.But have you ever asked yourself why this man isn't married yet? Maybe,just maybe you are romanticizing the whole scenario in your favor? How can you really know he would treat you so well? Weren't you very young at the time you were with this other man? Isn't it quite possible you don't know how he is as an adult and what his values are,beliefs,desires and weaknessess and problems are? Like the other's have said,many of us have been here a long time and have had every situation come down the pipe.Yours isn't any different.

It sounds like you have romanticized what it would be like with this guy and that is dangerous because it sets up your own marriage to fail when you start comparing to a fantasy.That's a key factor in most affairs I think and why they look so appealing vs reality.The grass is greener mentality usually doesn't pan out,again being based not in reality but fantasy.Flirting while you are married is most indeed NOT harmless.

What you should do to save your marriage from divorce is to start concentrating a lot more on your own happiness and not think about,fantasize about or even contact AT ALL the other man.Put your energies into your own fulfillment.Even your H shouldn't be responsbile for that ok?! NO ONE should be the sole party responsible for your fulfillment.You have to be happy in your own life and fulfilled and happy with who you are as a person or else you will continually keep looking for other's to make you happy and they will fail you,on some level.It's great when we have a good relationship and it's healthy and fun but that should be like icing on the cake.You've been with your H for 13 years and perhaps a little boredom is settling in which is common and perfectly normal in mod/long term marriages/relationships.You might be questioning, "Is this all there is?"

Yikes

Sadlady,as was mentioned,I do think you need to have an in depth discussion with your H and talk about how you feel and seek out professional counseling.I think you need a professional to steer you in the right direction here before these rationalizations(red flags) you are making become truth for you,take over and you start resenting and disrespecting your H.

Good luck.

O

P.S. To reiterate:

DO NOT contact this OM anymore,if you still are.It's wrong and dangerous to your marriage.

Dear Sadlady,

Welcome to these boards although I'm sorry you need to be here. You have found the right place for help & advice though... I applaud you for reaching out and seeking help before something more serious happened. Like you, I was also tempted by inappropriate feelings and impure thoughts about another man. This was a huge struggle for me and created problems for me in so many ways. However, this can be overcomed and there is hope for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Growing through & defeating temptation

Please read the information in the above link (just click on the link). I will also bump it for you to the top of the page. Since you are a believer and have a strong faith in God, you will find the above thread very helpful.

Please don’t stop posting. I hope you will come back and seek more help & support.

Blessings,
Suzet