{{ssg}} Step back and let him have his anger. All you can do is keep working on changing you. Don't point the changes out to him or they won't come across as sincere. I know this is hard but since you two have been separated by so many miles for so long I would imagine the healing will take longer. Just keep being a good mom.

I just keep messing up when it comes to dealing with him. I know talking to him just makes things worse. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels. I know that I am working on things with myself and my relationships with my kids and that is all i can do. He will only see what he wants. Thanks for your input. I know you dont want to talk to me too much about my marriage because you have talked with my h. And I understand that.

SSG, I can still pray for a miracle for you though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I do wish you both the best. Just hard for me because I have been on both sides and they both hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can understand that. I have lots of questions about things and things I keep being told that I am doing wrong, But will save it all for later. Need to run and do the mom thing! Talk to you later, I hope.

SSG, just checking to see how you are.

I am ok FF. Was wondering the same about you.
I am hanging in there. I just keep busy and the job that I have is good because I work with kids that are disabled and it is very rewarding. I have been doing alot of reading and studying my bible. Our ladies class is really nice because we are talking about womens roles. Sometimes its sad for me though because I know I wasnt living up to be the wife and woman of God that is intended for me to be and I wont be able to be the wife God intended but its just another lesson learned.
All in all I am ok. I know I am not this terrible person some make me out to be and I know I am a better person now. I really don't know where i would be without Christ in my life now. I don't want to know.
Hope you are doing ok FF. I read some of your posts and it seems you are having a tough time with some things. I will say a prayer for you.

Thanks, SSG for the prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Remember that learing to be the wife God wants you to be can be for the future too. I too failed in that arena for a long, long time. I know whatever happens though, that given the opportunity I will be armed with the knowledge to be a Godly wife. In the meantime you can model those behaviors for your children.

What kind of work do you do? My youngest DS is disabled.

I am a subsitute teacher right now and have been taking jobs that are with special ed. The kids all have different handicaps like Downs Syndrome and other things. I dont know what all the have, but I am finding out that these kids are so wonderful with such great personalities and love of life. We had to walk around the school today for PE and one downs boy walked with his arm around me. These are middle school kids that are about 13.
Kids are a blessing.

Ok. Things are getting back to "normal" around here. As normal as they can be when our family has been torn apart. H was back visiting the boys and my oldest was here also for a few days. I know our 19 yr old and 7 yr old really enjoyed their time with Dad and big brother.
Throughtout all this mess and pain that our family has gone through I have done alot of growing. Growing because I have had to, because I want to, and because I need to. I had so many issues that I never dealt with and that were needing some attention. There is still alot of work I need to do, but I feel more grown up (even if my actions dont always show it sometimes!). I feel stronger and I feel so much better about myself than I have ever had. I still struggle with who I let myself become durning the A but I can't go back and change that. I can only realize that that was me and it was someone that I dont want to see again. I know that how I feel now has alot to do with the fact that for the first time in my Christian life God is first. I never prayed like this before never read my bible everyday before and never looked to the bible to be my guide in life. Its amazing what placing your life in Gods hands can do for you! Dont get me wrong. I still struggle with alot in my life. Just as of this week I have been stressing over money and how to deal with the bills that are before me. So many things come up that you need money for that you never thought about. Anyway, like a very good friend of mine says, " God will provide." So I need to keep that in mind and just watch my pennies. Watching pennies is not hard for me. I never spend money on myself unless its dirt cheap. And I use coupons shopping. Pinching pennies shouldnt be hard for me. I also know if H can he will provide for the boys what they need if I can't. All will be ok.
Guess I just felt like rambling on tonight. I have been on here the last few night typed things that were on my heart to say, then I hit a wrong button and its all gone! Alot of what has been on my heart is the money thing and how I had been handling it and even though I believe I have more of a handle on it, my emotions run away from me sometimes. I think as a woman it happens anyway, but in some situations emotions need to be controlled. Wish it were that easy! It would save alot of heartache, and not my own!
Think I rambled enough.

I have accepted the fact that H wants a divorce and I believe I have done all I can to save it. H even told me as much in June. His post was off on some of the things he had said and I am just at the point where I know I need to move on too and cant concern myself with what he believes. I really do wish we could go through counciling and try to communicate so many different things to each other that are not resolved, but he refuses. We would have to actually be together for counciling which is something we havent been in three years. I dont wish him to hurt anymore and he will get this divorce because he wants it. Its just time to move on. Maybe not together, but for our own sakes.

{{{SSG}}} I know this hurts you. I am in the D process myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I thought from our last conversations you were reaching the acceptance stage. Have you directly expressed this to him? Have you two worked together to find some middle ground to work through custody and visitation? I am so very sad for both of you.

I just know this is best now. He doesnt want to work this out and I cant do it alone. Ya, it hurts. I dont want this but I know it is going to happen. I have accepted this even though my heart still doesnt want to. He knows how I feel about it all.
I just hope that I at least can show my children that I have changed and I am truly sorry for the pain and heartache that my stupid choices have cause them. I need to be a better person for them and myself.
I think about you alot FF and pray that things are going the best they can for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care.

You are in my prayers as well, SSG. Keep working on yourself..you never know where life and God will lead you. {{{SSG}}}

Just read this post. Thank you so much, it is just what I needed to hear. Us BS do tend to look at the affair through rose tinted glasses. We think everything must be wonderful all the time for them to continue their behavior. Maybe all is not always well in paradise after all. All my best to you.