I've been doing alot of thinking about my meeting with my wife the other day and my 1.5 hrs conversation with her best friend who is counseling both of us (she is a social worker). The BF thinks my only chance is to derail the affair and to get it out into the open amongst her coworkers and to stop treating it with secrecy, because I have not told anyone in my wifes social/work circle. The BF also thinks my wife will probably not feel like coming back if her affair crashes, if the affair last longer than 9 months. This is the BF who sensed/asked my wife before our wedding if my wife was settling because she did not sense my wife was totally in love with me. Thus, I trust some of the BF's senses, thoughts and perspectives. She is the only friend my wife has confided in, and the only one who really knows my wife. BF feels wife has issues to deal with (family, sexual past, past scars with boyfriends) in serious therapy but will not face them as long as she is in her affair. <P>Dr Chalmers told me on friday that my wife will probably only come back to our marriage because of our daughter. Only then will I have a chance to build up her lovebank to the romantic passion level, since I have never gotten her there. Even the doc said the odds are not good, but this is my only chance. Based on this forum, I think Chris and I are the only betrayed men whose wives have moved out and are involved/living/spending nights with a single OM, not a married one. I would say that proves the odds are def not in our favor, and our wives may never want to come back. We are both making changes, learning alot about marriage, but it will be for us and our future and probably not for our wives. On my end, my wife has basically told me that my behavior/actions were not the reason(s) she wanted out of the marriage.<P>Now my thoughts have been this.... I need to move into serious plan B. I also have been giving alot of thought about sole custody. What feedback can betrayer wives give me on this topic? I hate not having my daughter more than half time, hate giving her up 2 sundays, and not seeing her 2 weekends a month. Am I wrong to not want daughter exposed to OM more than I can help it?(like only 1 weekday, every other weekend). I did not choose this life change regarding my daughter and I feel I need to bring her back into my life more than it is now. <P>The BF has supported my thoughts as being my only hope to derail the affair and then "maybe" wife can deal with issues and "maybe" work her way back to marriage because of daughter. You know the Harley plans have felt like a "game" to me, even though I agree with them in general. This new plan for me is more of an acceleration because I don't think waiting will help me in my situation. I already am losing love for my wife as time goes by and the affair continues. Any feedback would be appreciated and BTW, I only wish my wife had 1/4 of the 'madly in love' committment I have seen from many of the betrayed women on this forum that have hung in there with men who can't see what they have at home. That is what I am striving for in a wife, and I don't know that I have ever felt that way from my wife.

izzy,<P>Want to do one of the most difficult tasks you have ever done in your life?<P>Hang on! It has only been a short time for you since the affair started (wish I wasn’t an old timer ). Don’t do anything too rash.<P>Yeah, my Wife has said that it wasn’t my fault at all, then turned around & told others it was my fault. I’ve heard so much stuff from her that she can’t even keep her story straight. “Oh, I’d leave you even if I wasn’t in love with another man & living on the other side of the country.” Whatever.<P>Your daughter should NOT be exposed to the OM at all! However, there may not be too much you can do about this. Just let your wife know you think it would be in your daughters best interest if she wasn’t. To keep her from becoming confused about what is going on.<P>Don’t confuse how you used to feel about your wife with how you feel about her now. It’s pretty easy to get a disconnect just as she has done. I’ve never loved you, blah, blah, blah. It’s all just justification on her part.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Izzy,<BR>I agree with Chris, Big decision and I would sleep on it for awhile. Don't move too quickly. ( like I should be telling you ) but you know what I mean. You have been doing great so far so hang tough....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Izzy<P>I am in a similar situation except that my wife won't leave until we have a separation agreement. Common sense and all the books say don't introduce your children to an affair partner. We know we are dealing with a spouse who has lost rational thought. Stick to your guns, advise your wife that you don't think it's a good idea yet.<P>My wife has tried to get my kids to meet OM but they keep refusing, saying it is not right because they are married to other people. Even though the OM is married his wife is intent on divorce and taking him to the cleaners so he is behaving as a single person.<P>My wife wants joint custody, but like you I have a hard time with that and so do my kids. My kids are older than your daughter, and so have some input. I am seeking a custody arrangement that keeps them with me but allows them to see her whenever they want to. <P>I think our wives have similar type affairs where it seems nothing can stop it. Perhaps if you bring it in the open it will help, on the other hand it could also bring them closer together. In my case the OM's wife is very bitter and has made sure that our small community knows of the affair, so far it has made no difference. My wife also said even if there wasn't an OM she would divorce anyway. She finally admitted the other day that she decided to divorce to be with OM rather than work on our marriage, some small comfort. Of course she tells everyone she is divorcing me(my fault), but reveals nothing of her marriage plans.<P>

Well in MY situation, once the affair was made public ... i.e. MY FRIENDS ... it was one week and I was ready to end the affair. The pressure friends (even the well-meaning ones) can put on you is very hard to take.<P>Of course, they might side with her. Who knows.<P>I say expose the affair ..... affairs are like vampires .... usually can't stand the light of day.<BR>