***I'll see what he does -- get a new job, go through the course, desire to spend time with me -- OR not.***

You already know exactly what he's going to do.

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It only wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.

Mulan

Cher,

""since there's only one person who appears to be MBing.""

Oh, we are here all right. It's just that Lemonman is taking the words right out of our mouths and writing them down much better than, at least, I can.

""OK --I get the idea.""

I don't think you do! YOUR H IS AN ABUSER!!! Physically, emotionally, and mentally. He is not a bachelor that has a wife and kids, he is a sociopath that has no emotions or empathy for anyone but himself!!

Breaking your arm, cracking your skull, dragging the kid out of the car, humiliating and berating your DD are not normal husbandly/fatherly habits. THIS IS NOT YOUR NORMAL FAMILY SITCH!!!

Wake up and smell the antiseptic emergency room!

""A travel job helps to lessen the tension, alright, because he is now free 5 days a week""

Now if you could find something to occupy him the other 2 days there would be no tension at all and you and the kids would be safe. No more pictures of monster daddy and sad mommie.

k

Breaking your arm, cracking your skull, dragging the kid out of the car, humiliating and berating your DD are not normal husbandly/fatherly habits. THIS IS NOT YOUR NORMAL FAMILY SITCH!!!

Yep...this is toooo true. The sad part is...I think that Cherised thinks that everything would be hunky dorry if she could just get him to practice "the POJA".

Total lunacy.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Cherished,

As many times as you take the opportunity to point out all the physical assaults you have taken at the hand of your H...does it ever disturb you to read it? Or are you insensitive to it?

You type it out there as though it were just a walk in the park.

JMHO
committed

Yes, reading it makes me shudder.

One problem I see is that he views it as my problem -- my problem to recover from my feeling hurt and my not trusting him. He doesn't really see it as his problem. He's waiting for me to "settle down".

Ah --

My first log in name was "uncommitted". That's what he called me before I dound out he was having an affair.

Cherished

Cher,

""One problem I see is that he views it as my problem -- my problem to recover from my feeling hurt and my not trusting him.""

AND RECOVERING FROM YOUR BROKEN ARM AND CRACKED SKULL!!! Why don't or can't you address the ABUSE?!?!?

k

He stopped being physically abusive -- to me. He can be rougher with the kids that I think appropriate.

He's worked hard to not be abusive. The program he's been in teaches that you don't have expecations so you don't get angry.

The broken arm is healed -- took three surgeries. I was lucky -- was told there was 50% chance of chronic pain and almost certain limitations to how much I turn. The only time I notice is when I put my arms akimbo because I tend to have the one arm in a different position which requires just slightly less flexibility.

The cracked skull I've never had examined, and it is worrisome how it goes through periods when the lumps become more prominent but then it always has been followed by the lumps getting smaller. I even grew out bangs.

He told me he'll be assigned to home as of the New Year, although nothing is certain in consulting.

So -- what am I doing?
Well, getting out of long-term volunteer commitments at the school; trying to lose weight; working on getting the house fixed up; trying to find a place to do a psychological assessment of our six year old whose teacher is concerned about her; looking into middle school options for our sixth grader; swim lessons; gymnastics; buying fall coats...there's just a lot to do. I don't know that there's much I can do about this mess. Harley gave up on him -- Harley. I am dumbfounded. He basically said that I have done everything I could and Tom still won't follow a program of recovery and so it seems his history of abuse and an affair shows an utter lack of empathy for me. It's something of a shock. I have turned over every rock.

Now what? I don't know. I have to at least consider the possibility that our marriage won't get better no matter what I do. I have come to think that the abuse fog is thinking that if you could just figure out what you could do then the problem is solved -- people aren't puppets; Tom has his own free will. This site is very much of a help. I cannot go confiding in other mothers of children at our small Catholic school. I can talk with my mother, my sister, and two friends.

I'm running to swim lessons now.

Cherished

I wonder why you put up with that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Children should be protected from rough parents and the only person that can do that is the other parent or hopefully someone will call DHS and they will take the children away and make sure they are protected.

Susan

For homicide victims under 15, the killer is most often a parent; for victims up to age 5, when the identity of the killer is known, it is a parent in over 60% of the cases.

I would imagine that parent starts out being a little rougher than he should be with the child.

According to the lawyer I found and two others I consulted and the shelter, I cannot now get a restraining order or ask for supervised visitation.
Cherished

this is so sad Cherished.


Cherished, the father of my DS (15yrs old now) did the same things to me prior to my son being born and shortly after he was born. We were not married, we were planning to marry though. He knocked my head into a wall, with a lump that still reminds me. He cheated on me when I was 8 months pregnant with his son. Shortly after my son was born, he kicked me in the back with work boots on breaking the tip of my tail bone off. That was enough to say good-bye. Did it hurt to say good bye, yes. Do you know today, he pays child support court ordered, but he never calls his son. He is a man who does not care even after 15 yrs. Is that what you want??? No, your marriage won't get any better no matter what you do. But your family/children can get better when you leave. Your children are living in fear, is that what you want for them?

I hope you really consider your children at this time, and get out of there.

Love, Lady

You can't or you don't really WANT to?

I can't. The physical abuse was too long ago. We actually had police in our house three days after D-day (May 4, 2002). I had told my parents about the affair and the broken arm from December. They flew in, rented a car, and wanted me to go with them and the children back to their state. I refused, they refused to police, and so I called the police. The police were understandably sympathetic to my parents but also said there was nothing they could do. I had an Xray of my arm there and had just finished hand therapy the week before. He had thrown me down on my cast about 6 weeks before. The police still couldn't do anything.

To be honest, I was so hysterical about the affair that the broken arm was a non issue. Now, I am somewhat recovered from the affair in that I have a different view of love. I thought love was an eternally binding feeling and so I lived on the love I felt for Tom from our dating all through years of neglect and abuse. Now I realize that love is a commitment to care and that Tom showed incredible thoughtlessness and dishonesty towards me and disregard towards a man he had met exactly once by having an affair with a married woman with two small children of her own. There was nothing special about their love, just like the only thing that is special about our "love" is the commitment we made in marriage. Instead of nurturing it, he attacked it by attacking me physically, fooling around with another woman, and neglecting me. And I took it all because I clinged to that intoxicating love I felt when we dated.

He's traveling Monday through Friday. I've asked him to consider going through Love Busters. He thinks the POJA is emasculating. I told him that we don't need to agree with Harley. What we need to do is agree with each other.

Cherished

If POJA is emasculating, so is marriage.

What does it mean that your WH will not POJA with you? It means that he is not willing to meet your needs.

Where is your boundary?

Is there anything your WH would do that would make you leave?

Are you currently on anti-depressants? I am asking because it was impossible for me to make a lot of decisions pragmatically before I went on medication. I either did not think anything didn't matter enough for me to make a decision, or it was too difficult to make.

When was the last time you had a good day?

When was the last time you had a great day?

If you are not ready for divorce, consider Plan B. I know he is not in the affair, but his treatment of his family and you is just as disrespectful.

What do you need to do to become strong and healthy?

You are teaching your children how to lead their lives.

Loy,
I never went on A-D's. I did, however, gain 40 pounds in four years -- now 60 pounds overweight.

We are trying to discuss through day to day decisions, and he is gone, giving us both time to consider how we want to live and how we want our children to live.

Today is Monday, and he'll be back Friday night. That's a lot of time apart. Quiet. I'm getting out of school volunteer activities. It's not really what someone might consider top of their list in preparing for divorce, but I feel as though I am preparing for another stage in my life. What could have been just gloriously enjoyable -- young children so full of joy -- has been missed. I taught art today to the first graders (using a six step process for how to draw a dog) that was written out by our 11 year old, and the teacher said, "They actually look like dogs."
There is so much that has been missed. I don't want to miss any more of the joy of caring.
Cherished

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished I hate to say this, but like like L-Man I have to say it too, pulled you head out of the sand, this man is not going to change, why should he when you never seem to want to move from this place of fear that you seem to be stagnating in.

This is what I see for your future, your husband will meet up with a young thing that will hang on his every word and just leave and for some reason I think you will be surprised about this..

I see your son turning into your H because that is all he knows, and how he learned to interact with the opposite sex, your H has no respect fot women at all and so will your son..

I see your daughter meeting her highschool bf who will (no surprised turned out to be a younger version of your H and being controlled by him much to your dismay..

I see your marriage being a blueprint or instructional guide to your kids on how to not only pick a spouse but how that spouse is supposed to treat their partner ....

Now is this what you want for you kids? because this is what you are teachinf them right now.

Lemonman --

Our youngest child went to all-day kindergarten in September, and I have a part-time professional job starting next Monday.

I did change my login name, but -- as you have pointed out -- I need to change more as well. I've been deep in BS fog, and you're so good at addressing BS fog.

Respectful