This was orignially posted on Divorcing forum and WasCrushedNTexas suggestted I move this to here. I have about 3 replys on the other board.

Help please. I am drowning in a see of gray sorrow and confusion and helplessness. I actually begged her not to leave this morning.

On 9/11/2005 I discovered affair that took place for about 3 months. Mostly over the phone, but some physical, Kissing, etc... (no sex according to her). We have been to conseling and she just told me today she just wants to quit. We have been married 21 yrs this Dec. 2 boys, 15 and 12. This will crush the 12 yr old and make the 15 yr old extremely angry. Divorce has her siblings issues also. Her Sister did the exact same thing, said the exact same thing about her 1st husband. Affair, and left after faking counseling, etc... Her brother was a victim of basically the same thing.

I just do not know what to do. She says she loves me in many ways, but has no feelings . (arrggghhhh !!!!). She says her feelings for me have been crushed over the years and my inability to "have fun" going to places she wanted to go.

I am at a total loss. She is on meds for depresion and we went through almost the exact sameting 4 years ago. No affair, but the lost feelings issue.

I just about can't make it through a day. My gut is me and I feel so alone. Help !!! Divorce is not want God wants and she even admits it and is still saying that is what she wants. She says she is willing to wait a little longer and see if counseling helps.

Any ideas ???

There are two things that will change her feelings: a) end of the affair - complete no contact and b) you start meeting her needs and making the marriage a pleasant place to be.

Have you read any of the Harley materials? Is the affair ended? Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Thanks for the reply. I think the affair is over. It was an out of town thing, that occured around a hobby she loved to do which is ride horses. She had the affair with the trainer. It was a borrowed horse, so we really don't have any ties with the trainer or barn now. It was mostly phone calls and she says kissing, no sex. I guess I beleive her on that.

She says it is over. No contact. She admits it is hard and says she hates telling me that. She also admits she knows that was fantasy and not real world. Her big issue now is she says she can't get past her "no feelings for me". She says she wants to feel passion, love, etc.... She says she loves me in many ways, but does not "feel" anything for me.

So based on what she says, I guess it is over. She says over the years I have crushed her feelings for her, via not having fun at things she wants to go to, parenting differences of opinion and just generally I would make her mad and she would not let me know when and for what reason.

I am just about helpless as to what to do. I am praying, but I feel like I am praying the same think over and over and over again.

How can she come out of this fog. We went through a very similar process 4 years ago and she said later, in fact as late at about 6 months ago, how glad she was that she did not blow it and leave. What a terrible mistake she made.
Yesterday was tough because it looked like she just gave up.

I just feel like when she is this way I do not know what is in her head. She says the affair "she does not like to call it that" was not the problem. It was a sympton of the problem. She admits that it complicated things and was a terrible mistake. She even says she is relieved that I discovered it. Arrggghhhh!!!

What to do? Thanks for your encouragement. I am glad to see you are recovered. We were and now we are at it again.

Sounds to me like you need to drop the relationship talk. Of course she is feeling gloomy about her chances with you, after just coming out of an exciting affair.

Can you just start trying to meet her EN's and go some places she likes to go and have fun?

She is just saying all the standard things that every WS says after an affair; don't despair because time and a little work will change this. She is in withdrawal from a powerful fantasy and doesn't feel anything yet. But she will, as long as long you try to meet her emotional needs. Her feelings won't come back over night, so don't be alarmed.

You really really need to get your hands on His Needs, Her Needs. Do you have this book?

Thanks for the support. I do have the book somewhere. We both read it 4 yrs ago. I will re read it. How do I get her to without Love Busting?

Don't ask her to read it.

Read it yourself.

Then one day when she is not looking too stressed, ask for her ~opinion~ about something you read... read her the paragraph you are having trouble with and ask for her help with "getting it" ... she may surprise you.

If you appear to be taking the time and effort to educate yourself, and show that her opinion means a lot to you ... this may open doors for future intimate discussions.

women develop loving feeling for men with whom they have give-and-take discussions where both share their feelings

Also ... tell her how you feel after reading a certain chapter or part of the book.

"Sweetie ... I was reading this (state the chapter) and I was feeling excited that there is so much we can do to make each other happy. What is your opinion?"

~~~~~

this is the ticket to my heart ~~~~

my H says this to me every day --->

"Is there anything I can do FOR you today?"

I love that ... !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Usually I say "No, thanks for asking." But it is clink-clink in my love bank every time !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your suggestion. I will try that also.

I showed her this site about a month ago when all was discovered and she did read a good bit of it.. Especially the surviving affair part. I think it open her eyes a little. Should I encourage her to ck out the website some. She knows I posted before, but not sure if she knows I am posting for help again.

Big problems this weekend. We are almost 30 days from the date I discovered and she confessed to the affair. She maintains she has had no contact. She is also going on 4 yrs of anti-depres. meds. She is so angry and just doen't seem like herself. Says she is not happy. Without knowing what to do, I just ask her to be patient. She is in a fog dealing with withdrawal from the affair and depression.

She started the conversations again today and we ended up taling about 30 minutes on the very stressful topic of her leaving not leaving, her feelings. She basically just gets mad and says, ok, she guesses what she should do is just pretend and "suck it up" and act like she is ok and everything will be fine.

How can I work on this when she is so unwilling to try. Initially after the affair it was no talk of divorce etc.... and no it seems like we have moved into that direction. Is that normal? Is it normal for her to get mad and very angry toward the end of withdrawel?

This is very normal, it is TEXTBOOK. Just stop trying to have relationship talks with her and don't get alarmed at the things she says right now. Don't let her bait you into fights with her anger and spite and don't tell her she is in a fog. Just smile sweetly and say "I'm sorry you feel so badly, dear."

As long as contact has truly ended [and hopefully you are still snooping and not taking her word for it!] there is hope. She can't try right now, because she in withdrawal.

If you want a good Saturday afternoon read, go read BobPure's threads from a year ago. His wife hated his guts and made all sort of threats, and now they are all lovey dovey. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

I have a question. How do you successfully make the marriage a pleasent place to be when she really does not want me to do anything for her at all. Basically she tells me she does not want to be around me. ( Is that just Babble?)

Once again, I think the affair is over but I think she is reeling from the withdrawal and habit of talking to him. To complicate things even more her affair occured around something she really enjoyed doing and that is riding horses. That is something she did on her own and we (my sons and I) did not really do that with her ( I know that was a mistake ). She says I made her uncomfortable at what she enjoyed doing because I acted like I did not want to be there. That is probably true and something I really regret but hope some day to be able to improve on. But right now she is missing the hobby also.

I have also used the reverse babble a little, but not sure yet what is is supposed to do. Is it for them to hear how strange their comments are or just to not engage in irrational conversation at all?


Any suggestions?

waiting, do you have His Needs, Her Needs? Because that book does an excellent job of addressing your question in depth. You are very much on the right track with this. The key will be to attract her back into the marriage by meeting her needs and finding common recreational activities. But first you must identify her needs. There is an emotional needs questionaire on this website, but don't ask her to take it now - wait for awhile.

I don't like riding on motorcycles, but every once and a while I go for trips with my H and I MAKE myself enjoy it.[I get him to take me "exploring" in the country for old abandoned graveyards, which we both very much enjoy] I was amazed at how ecstatic it makes him to take me on these trips. So, the key will be to either find a mutual activity or learn to enjoy going riding with her.

Is this her second affair??

I thought we had the book in our home, but we must have given it away. I have been looking for it for about a week. I will purchase it again.


About 5 or 6 years ago she spent a great deal of time talking to an old boyfriend in the horse industry that was dying of kidney failure. Basically it was an EA. Nothing really physical other than a goodbye kiss one time about 6 months before he died. They did talk for several months. The guys wife left him due to his health problems and I guess she felt sorry for him. My wife is a real helper if you know what I mean. If someone she knows needs something or needs counsel for something she trys to help out. I think she felt sorry for the old boyfriend.

Such is not the case on the 2nd one. He is very much alive but thank goodness lives several hours away, but would be at almost every event she would want to go to. I know one day if we make it past all this, I will have to join her in her hobby, but right now I can't. It would bring her too close to the OM.

We have had many good years of marriage. She has even said so many times up until about May of this year. The EA, PA began in June. The talking on the cell phone etc... started in April. She began withdrawing in June. She just wants to paint a picture that she has been faking it, etc... all these years and she is tired of faking it.

w, even if you can't join her in this hobby, you could develop a new hobby together. I am sure you did have many years of a happy marriage and she is just rewriting history in order to justify the unjustifiable. The reasoning goes like this: I have unhappy for years, therefore, I am entitled to an affair. I have never been to understand how having an affair will resolve that problem, but that is some pretty typical "logic" in the nutty mind of a WS.

Thank you so much for your encourgement. You seem very wise. I only hope we can be happily recovered.

All this is so strange. We are sitting here tonight with the kids watching tv and she seems so in and out of it. She was printing pics of some family stuff and kids pictures. She seemed normal. Then she will get up and walk away and seem in a trance almost. I feel so nutty obsesing over all her the stuff she is doing and saying. My wife is definately not herself and I know that but the pain I am in is aweful.

It is so hard to work hard when you are so tired an in pain yourself. I pray often for her to become clear and remember the good times. She said last time she came back for the kids and stayed for herself in the longrun.

WOL, what would you do next if you weren't afraid ?

I ask because fear paralyses recovery. Your post betrays fear IMO.

As Mel says Squid HATED my guts. now we're building on 'lovey dovey' to build the marrige we have both deserved for years.

It all started with my overcoming my fear.

Listen to Mel.

Listen to what both of these folks have to say. Read some of their past posts to others and what they themselves have gone through, especially Bob. He is dead on with fear. You need to establish boundries with her and yourself.

What you will also find is that you need the entire truth. She has been in afog for 4 years? Depressed 4 years? Clearly there's issues within your marriage and that is where you must focus your energy. Plan A. No relationship talk.

What concerns me is the "no sex"...you need to prepare yourself for the awful truths. I will paraphrase others here "Why would you ever believe someone who is a known liar and someone that has betrayed you?" You must accpet this reality as should she. However, if you truly love her you can do something about it...

I have messed up well before the postings and said the "fog word" to her. I only hope it is not too late and I hope I have not screwed up too much.

I am still checking where I can, but I can't cover all her tracks, such as when she goes to town to run and errand. She could be using a calling card I don't know about or calling his cell phone or home collect for all I know. She says no contact, but just like everyone else says, she has lied before.

BobPure's post are truely incredible. I intend on reading them more than once. Thanks for the heads up.

Bob

You are right. I am in fear. I hope to get strong and not fear any longer. Your post that were reffered to me are incredible. I hope to get there someday, sooner rather than later.

Since posting, I have felt much stronger, but I am still weak. I just do not have the nimbleness of mind to practice everything yet. I pray God gives me strengh.

Thank you so much for posting. I just have to stop LBing.