Today WW is talking to Steve Harley. I am very nervous about this. Hopefully it is going well and she will go through with it. Her appt is at 8am EST.

I am praying for a breakthrough, but I know today is a fact finding mission for Steve, or at least that is what I am assuming.

She really moped around yesterday until after the kids and I came home from church. My youngest told her something that seemed to break things up a bit. He was complaining about school work and she told him to quit feeling sorry for herself.

He came back with, I will tell you what. I will make a deal. You quit feeling sorry for yourself and I will do the same. It was like a cold shower and she woke up out of the fog for a few minutes. She was talkative, told me some jokes she her yesterday, actually made decent eye contact with me and participated in us watching TV together last night. Even read some stuff from some emails to me last night.

Then this morning. Back to her normal mopey self. I guess she is dreading the call with Steve.

What does this sound like to you guys.

Withdrawel still? Crash looming?

The Harley's seem to be excellent at talking to the WS. I have no personal experience, but over the last several years have heard the same thing over and over. So hang in there, help is on the way.

WOL,

Hang in there, at least she's with you, mine is 700miles away and we are trying over the phone, much harder. Good Luck and May God Bless you!

Chuck

believer,

Thanks for the encouragement. I just recieved a call from my wife. I could tell she had been crying. She told me she was asked to complete some forms and fax them to Steve. She asked me if I did the same. I told her no.

I have a 2:30 est appt with Steve and told her maybe I will be asked to do the same then.

The good thing is she is going to try and complete the forms. Said there are about 40. I don't know if that would be questions or pages, but she is working on them.

I am going to take that as a good sign. Prior to her call, if one would have asked would she do that, I would have to had said no.

I plan on not even asking what they discussed.

Chuck,

I feel for you and I know that must be very difficult. God Bless you and keep trying. Thanks for the encouragement. We all need it.

WOL

Has my 2nd appt with SH. It went well and I was asked to complete questionaire. What is odd, I found out, my wife has really LB'd me well before her A. Why didn't I have an affair. I mean everyone is tempted mentally, but IMO I could not do that.

We will talk to SH together next week. She seemed very interested in my meeting with SH. I think more so from a validation stand point on some stuff Steve said.

SH really knows his stuff. I wish everyone could talk to him. Heck, he should be on PBS speaking this stuff. Divorce and affairs would be cut down dramatically.

Congrats on your progress.

Lem

waiting! I am so very glad you are counseling with Steve! He is just awesome. He is very skilled at pulling fogged out WS' out of the fog. If it can be done, he will be the one to do it. Good job!

waiting, glad to hear your WW is talking to SH. Your doing a great job so far so keep it up.

This takes time so be patient and you should start to see some results.

Lemon, Mel and HTW,

Thanks for the encouragement again. Plan A is hard work and the sessions have resulted in EN and LB Q being answered by both WW and myself and sent to SH.

We have a joint appointment Wednesday morning.

Wife is in and out of it. Sometimes seems normal, actually like she has normal thoughts, ie talking about the future and stuff and other times, zones out. I am trying to keep a level attitude.

She does not want to go to the local high school football game tonight with the our 2 DS and I. Wants to stay home and not make "happy face" as she puts it.

I dread tonight because everyone is going to ask if she is ok and how she is doing and I know it is all over town about what is going on, so I feel so self conscience about it.

I feel like a failure at times. A failure as a husband and meeting her needs.

Trying to keep my chin up though and not allow it to turn into 2 chins. (I eat out of frustration <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Anyway, thanks again.

Well here is the update to the weekend.

Friday night, she did not go to the football game with us (2 DS's)

Saturday, we went to our fav. college football teams game. It was pretty good. Then went to my brothers 40th B-day party.

Sunday, church, etc.. lunch with friends, then major fog time. Zoned out on the way home from lunch, napped upstairs staring out our bedroom window then all of the sudden, comes downstairs and announces she has to go to town to get stuff at Target. I ask if she wants some company. Guess what, Nope. She wants to go by herself. Says she has done all the "rules" and worked hard all weekend and just needs to get out for a little while. Arrggghhhh !!!

Not much of a weekend at all, but no real arguements. I am plan Aing but I really need affection, could use to SF, but mainly a genuine hug or kiss and a reassuring I am sorry and I love you would be a big booster shot.

I also think her sister (who did the exact same thing) is a major distraction for us working things out. Her sister bolted for her OM and married him one month after divorce. My wife at the time did everything she could to get sister to leave OM and concentrate on her marriage. Now she cannot take her on advice. I just worry that sister is encouraging her to leave and "follow her heart" so to speak. Makes me want to puke.

Wow, I just realized how much I vented. Anyway, we will see what the morning brings. Good night All.

My wife was just like that after she came back to me. Withdrawal sucks big time. Snowbelle had this to say in another thread:-

"Withdrawal really puts us BS's over the edge. We want our WS automatically to disengage from the OP, turn their "love" to rabid hate for that person, and fall into our arms telling us how sorry they are and how they plan to make it up to us.

Save it for the soap operas. The fact is that your wife has nursed a whole life with this OP for some time (weeks or years, it really doesn't matter) and she has to grieve the loss of that crutch. She may truly want your marriage to survive while she still wants to be with her "soulmate" (yeah, the one who never calls HER). It takes time for the WS to cut the strings that bound them to the OP and see the relationship for what it truly was. Hang tough. It's hard on you now, but it will be even harder on her when the dawn starts to break through. Then she will really need you."

I found it really did just take time. My wife is now almost back to normal and we are able to re-build our marriage. We are doing the MB audio course.

When she came back, I found myself just like you describe - just wanting affection - but she could barely stand the sight of me - couldn't bear physical contact or even eye contact. Funny thing is before she left, she we had SF on a regular basis with no sign of anything being wrong. Then DD and she left for 2 weeks, came back, everything was icy. (She stayed with a Girlfriend for the 2 weeks and never did sleep with the OM)

As BS's we just can't work this out. It was exactly what snowbelle said - you expect a penitent return from your wife along with her doing whatever she can to make amends. Yeah right. Never happened. But bit by bit, we are recovering. After withdrawal, we have had some of the most satisfying SF ever.

I did get an "I'm sorry" after a couple of weeks, but still haven't had a real genuine "I love you" - and I frankly don't want the words unless she really means them and I know that day is coming.

At the end of the day, she has to want to fight for your marriage. As the fog clears and as she really has NC, that will probably happen. Hang in there. All the best.

Bigkahuna,

Thanks for the post. I was really down last night before I went to bed. WS goes to bed early and usually is asleep by the time I get there.

When I got in bed she woke up and I basically just told her good night and I wanted her to know I still loved her. She said I know.

That hurts so bad. I am not clingy anymore and I have dropped the ILY's but I have taken advice from other posters to occasionally let her know I still love her, but saying it in a way that means I do not expect a response.

I feel like I have more self respect that way.

This morning she actually snuggled a little close to me in bed while the kids were in the shower. Mind you it was not what we usually do. Normally we are like pieces of pasta all wrapped up together, but since D-day that has changed.

Also, not to provide too much info (TMI) but we have always slept buff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> since day one 21 yrs ago. During 1st EA withdrawel and counseling she went to PJ's for awhile.

Now she is back to PJ's again. I know she is uncomfortable because she tugs at them all night and huffs and puffs as she tries to straighten them during the night.

My question for even bringing this up is WHY? Have any other BS's experianced this? Any former WS's have any input on why?

Anyway, maybe a small breakthrough this morning but as usual I am not counting on much of anything. I hope that is not showing a lake of faith in God. I just am trying to be a little gaurded.

waiting, my WW says she feels uncomfortable getting dressed in front of me know. I believe this is a normal trait of a WS since they have lost the intimacy towards the BS.

Dr. Harley says that women are unable to love two men at the same time, so when the feelings for OM start to subside they should start to return to the BS.

Give it time, lots of time. You are doing great.

Just continue to Plan A and give her time.

I'm following your story

HTW,

I have noticed and even mentioned to my WW that she is going in the closet to get dressed. It just drives me nutty, but I am trying to stay focused.

I also hate the fact that I look around at other women now and wonder, hum, what would it be like to be free of this mess, but then I snap out of it with a prayer or something. I hate feeling like that.


HTW, you are a great encourager. Thanks much.

waiting, that is a feeling that most if not all BS go through at some point, but it would really makes things much worse if we acted on it.


I'm an optomist at heart even though sometimes I get really down when times are tough (as they are now).

My MIL told me "it gets lighter after midnight" to which I replied what if it's only 10:00? So just remember things can't stay bad forever. When things are this bad, the only way for them to go is up.

We'll get there one way or the other

Waiting,

HTW, you and I seem in such similar cirumstances!! Your D-day was the beginning of my D-week! My wife, about 2 weeks after d-day, started dressing behind closed doors!! At first it bothered me, but now I just make sure she doesn't see me!! Occasionally, I'll let her "catch a glimpse of me in my underwear", but why not let her wonder? Hang tough.

MWiL,

I have noticed some similar posts. I even noticed that my DOB is the same as HTW's NC-day. Not that it means anything but just strange.

One thing that is amazing too me is how my WW can go from seeming perfectly normal at work (we work together) when things are needing to be discussed and with the kids and around friends like yesterday. Then turn it off when we are alone. How do they do that and why?

Another thing is at work if things are very stressful she actually acts like she has sympathy for me on that, and I want to say, you know most of what I do at work would be must easier if I did not have to deal with all the crap I am dealing with personally with her at the moment. Of course I bite my tounge. Would not want to LB you know.

I guess I am spewing sarcasm left and right today. I am just about fed up, BUT NOT GOING TO GIVE UP.

Whew !!! I really do need to run this afternoon to vent some energy.

Thanks for the advice also. I need it. I am getting close to needing a 2x4 I think.

Another frustrating night.

I came home after work to take care of me. Ran 45 minutes. 1st time running in months. Came in, she fixed a nice supper, Grilled London Broil and salad, but after that, I start working on a ceiling fan she bought to install in our den. She bought it back in July and it has been in our Garage this whole time. Anyway, I worked on it until about 10pm. She stays upstairs in the guest bedroom our oldest DS decorated tonight for Christmas. She says she is enjoying the tree, but once again, she is huddled up with another book and stays up there the entire time I am downstairs working on the fan.

Then I ask her to help me by holding a ladder and ask if there is something wrong the reason she is upstairs by herself. Basically she said she was comfortable and enjoying the tree. I said I would have liked the company downstairs while I was working for 3 hours on the fan. She says, I didn't ask you to put it up. No crap I thought, but she did buy it and wanted it put up, so I am trying to show something for her in the way of Love by doing something for her.

It is like there is no notice of what I do. I am just so frustrated by her indifference to being around me.

We go to MC tommorow and then talk to SH Wednesday. I am sure tommorow will be stressful.

I am off to bed now and wonder what is waiting. I am sure it is not affection, but one can only hope.

ok, waiting, I don't know how to break this to you. But hanging ceiling fans is not exactly my idea of a fun time so I can understand why your W was hiding out. In fact, when my DH does stuff like that, I try my best to ESCAPE. Yesterday morning, he found me while hanging my new light fixture in the kitchen and forced me to ruin the circulation in my arms for LIFE by making me hold up the light fixture for HOURS while he fumbled with a screw!! So I decided, next time I see him starting to do something like that, I will suddenly remember an appointment for a pedicure and skedaddle!!

I am really sorry I can't be more supportive, but I don't think most females find hanging light fixtures anything but aggravating. Yes, we sure appreciate it when you do it for us, but we don't want to help!

i am sorry she is so indifferent, but that should change as she goes through withdrawal with the guidance of SH. Hang in there, my friend, it will get better!

Mel,

Thanks so much. After reading your post I saw how silly and hyper sensitve I was acting. I guess a side affect. Normally I am a loner on stuff like that.

Thanks for the perspective.