I know you get frustrated, but you are actually farther along than many couples were at this point, who are fully recovered and have great marriages now!

[I mean I know I did not cause the affairs, but obviously I was not meeting some needs of hers or it would not have happened. Or at least it would have been a lower chance of happening.

I realized after the EN discussion last week and talking to SH why my views of our marriage are so different from hers. Besides the fact that she is rewriting the history of our marriage, I have come to realize, that my main needs, SF and Affection where being meet, so heck, I would not have noticed much was wrong anyway. We had sex 4 - 5 times a week unless one of us were sick and I would have been blind to it.

It is nice to know we are far along, but I will tell you this. I have a new appreciation for what other people go through. I just breaks my heart to read some of everyones situation. I draw hope, don't get me wrong, but I am just so amazed at how all of us fall prey to the same thing.

I really appreciate you putting up the ceiling fan. It looks really nice, and goes much better with the current decor. It was also nice that I never had to say anything to you about it. By the way, that is one of my love busters - having to ask you to do things that I think you should realize need to be done. I understand that MY obvious may not necessarily be YOUR obvious. (See, counseling has taught me a little something)

Anyway, just wanted you to know that the fan is appreciated.

She is a Christian but I just see that it is more about working how to argue, let your feelings out, etc...... As opposed to MB is working on how to learn to Love again and not Love bust. I guess that is why the Harleys are so successful.

I really appreciate you putting up the ceiling fan. It looks really nice, and goes much better with the current decor. It was also nice that I never had to say anything to you about it. By the way, that is one of my love busters - having to ask you to do things that I think you should realize need to be done. I understand that MY obvious may not necessarily be YOUR obvious. (See, counseling has taught me a little something)

The counselor pushed her on what it was she wanted to say and that was that she was tired of trying, but she guessed she would have to try some more since that is what everybody expected her to do. I guess she is refering to me, he kid, certian family and friends, pastor. Gezzz I can't think of anyone in their right mind that would not want us to work it out.

I just will continue to plug along on plan A.

is now accepting that she does need to tell me stuff like that because I DON'T see it and it is not a slight against her, it's just one of the ways we are different.

Don't get me wrong, I know what I did is a contributing factor, but as Dorry pointed out, most probably had a pretty good marriage until the A. I just never saw it coming.

I know I need to continue to plan A and everyone says we are doing good, but I must confess. I am not having any needs meet. None, nothing at all. She knows what they are and refuses to do any at all. Says it makes her feel cheap and fake.

Since non of my needs are being meet and I growing resentful and getting to the point where I just want to rip her a good one and basically say I don't care, I will find someone that will meet my needs. I know that sounds selfish and I the feelings I have at the moment. I mean I look at single women about my age and wonder should I just say whatever and move on.

Withdrawal really puts us BS's over the edge. We want our WS automatically to disengage from the OP, turn their "love" to rabid hate for that person, and fall into our arms telling us how sorry they are and how they plan to make it up to us.

Save it for the soap operas. The fact is that your wife has nursed a whole life with this OP for some time (weeks or years, it really doesn't matter) and she has to grieve the loss of that crutch. She may truly want your marriage to survive while she still wants to be with her "soulmate" .... It takes time for the WS to cut the strings that bound them to the OP and see the relationship for what it truly was. Hang tough. It's hard on you now, but it will be even harder on her when the dawn starts to break through. Then she will really need you.

I don't want that but I am afraid the more she goes on like this that I am going to loose my Love for her. I am reading Surving and Affair. I thought I had read it before, but it was a different book.

In it Harley talks about the danger of the BS loosing Love Units.

What should I do. I am not talking about having an affair myself, I just mean I don't want to loose my feelings for her.

It is just not fair.

In the interest of honesty, I must let you know something. I unfortunately (and quite by accident) overheard a piece of your conversation with Steve Harley. Unfortunately, it was the time when you were telling him I had an addiction and obsession with you-know-what. I am honestly sick to death of hearing that from you. I am no more addicted to that than you were to coaching baseball. I know- I know - "that is for the boys." We both know that it is not entirely for them. Obviously, you receive some return from that or you wouldn't continue to do it.

I understand that you are entitled to your opinion - which you obviously have expressed to everyone. But that doesn't mean I have to like it or appreciate it. I will respect your right to have it, but you can't expect me to like it just because that is your opinion.

You don't share my opinion that I am tired of working on this relationship, and see no hope in restoring it, but I have continued to try to change my opinion because you and the boys have asked me to do so. My opinion has most definitely not changed, and all I see is continual pain - on my part as well as yours.

I am tired of trying to sleep at night and feeling covered up with guilt because I don't want to be affectionate. I am sick of these feelings, but I have been unable to do anything about it. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF LACK OF EFFORT!!!

I am feeling more hopeless and depressed than ever at this time. I most definitely am NOT going to do anything to harm myself. I am rational and certainly sane enough to know that is not the answer. But, I will tell you, I can't continue to be probed, prodded and analyzed continually and just continue to hurt like this. I cannot stand much more.

I am tired of following rules and regulations that are painful and continue to cause me grief. I do not see myself in any way following these rules for the rest of my life. I understand that these regulations may work for some people, but I can tell you the last thing I want to hear right now is some additional rules!!! I do not want to be told that I can't do ANYTYHING that you don't want to do also. That is ridiculous, and I most certainly do not think it is possible.

You know, I'm sure you have no problem with this, since I pretty much like to do everything that you want to do - with maybe the exception of hunting. You can rest assured, I will NOT be doing that. I guess that means you need to get rid of your guns, all the thousands of dollars worth of equipment and cancel your hunting plans because I am simply not interested. Sorry that is something you have enjoyed since you were a child, and I knew all about it before we married. You can just do something else - something I want to do. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!!!!

I am sorry if this makes you mad, but it is my opinion and feelings. I know you say "feelings don't matter." You only think that when they are "my feelings." Obviously, your feelings are important to you or you wouldn't be trying to work through these problems. You don't want to hurt because of me anymore than I want to keep hurting because of you.

I know I got off track with most of this email, but I thought you should be aware that I overheard your comments and have a lot of anger about them. Don't worry, I'll just add it to the pile of crap I need to forgive and get over. .

At the end of our session he wanted us to both write up a plan on how we are both going to care for each other with our Top 4 EN's. My top 3 are Affection, SF, and Rec. Comp. She really was hung up on obviously the top 2 and said she could not and would not do either without feelings, and what would it matter to me if I thought she was only doing it to complete an asignment.

As you can see she is pretty p*ssed off. I really do not know where we are going at this point. I am not sure if this is normal behavior or not. From what everyone is telling me we are ahead of schedule and doing good. I know it (recovery) is a roller coaster ride, but this feels more like base jumping.