Am I wrong about my feelings or just being jelous? Part of me feels like I am being over protective and jelous but another part of me feels like in our current sitch she should not do what she is most likely going to do tonight.

No waiting I don't think you are just being jealous, it's hurts to not be able to go with her, which is the way it should be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh... the selfishness of foggy WS's.


Prayers that she won't end up at the party and come home, and that this wedding will remind her of her own years ago.
Lady

Just a thought;

Can't you get one of your sons to call your wife's family and fanagil yourselves an invitation or an insistance you come. Don't let wife paint you in a bad light...with you there she can either be civil or be monster, her choice. Wife wants her freedom...what about yours. She may be furious at the party but you do not let it affect you...her family insisted you come and you are free to decide what to do with your night as well.

Try to have a nice time despite your wife. Women are attracted to happy - self-assured - confident men. The man you were when you met.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Lady thank you so much for your prayers. I wish she saw it your way. Last night I was pretty down, but if she goes to the party I know I will be down. I guess to avoid LBing I should not bring it up. At what point are BS's allowed to be truthful about their feelings without it damaging any recovery.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for your post. Also, I got the email last night and downloaded the file. Thanks so much. I sent you an email also.

Regarding your comment above, I wish is was so easy. I really am not in the best of graces with my inlaws at this point. I used to be very tight with them but over the last year I have lost that. Mostly it comes from my unwillingness to associate with my wifes sister and her new husband after she and her current husband (former OM - Sister In Laws Brief History ) Her family along with my wife supported our BIL during affair, divorce proceedings and even testified for BIL to get the kids which he did. But over time everyone came back to my SIL and her husband (former OM). Also, I am afraid my WW has made me look like a jelous over protective man, but I know she has not let them know the whole story.

Anyway, I would not be able to just show up. It would make my wife extremely angry, but also my in-laws would act ugly to me I am sure.

Thanks for the idea though.

She has the "freedom" to walk out the door, but she doesn't have the "freedom" to act like a single woman and still maintain all the benefits of marriage. I think she has misunderstood this freedom as an entitlement to treat you with gross disrespect. I would let her know that you won't be supporting her open and active disrespect and destructive behavior towards you and your family.

If she wants to live like a single woman, then she should not expect the benefits of having a home, husband and family.

She can support herself, right?

p.s. with freedom comes responsibility. She seems to have missed that little part.

Mel

I am glad your posted. I have been made to feel over the years that the very situation I am in tonight is perfectly ok and if I oppose it, I am an over protection, jealous husband. I actually have convinced myself that I am just that. I don't feel good about what is going on tonight, but I have basically been conditioned to think otherwise.

She left for the wedding tonight at 6pm and the wedding was due to start at 7pm. Now this is supposed to be a large crowd for a small church so she did need to leave early but the church is only 15 minutes from our house. Her parents party started at 6pm. She got especially dolled up for a wedding. Very nice suit, y cam under the jacket, showing the cam, hair and makeup just about perfect. I even took pictures in front of the Christmas tree for her. She loves having her picture made. I figured might be extra points.

Anyway, she has not called to see how we are doing, the kids, nothing. It is now 10:30, I have sent her 2 text messages asking how the wedding is going and not response. She does not go 15 minutes without checking her d*mn cell phone so I know she got the messages, but I am sure it will be some excuse like I left it on silent for the wedding and did not check it.

How am I to handle this tonight. Do I let it go. To me this is a LB major. Ind. Behavior isn't it?

If I start something tonight she will say, the changes I am making are not true and she will remind me that this is exactly what she was talking about this week, that she only had history to go by and I am just like I have always been.

Well heck, to me, I just don't think she is caring for me with this behavior. Of course she doesn't care at this point I know. Do I let it go, and just bring it up later if she comes out of fog, etc....?

I really don't know where to go. My youngest son has been asking all night when Mom is going to be home. He is scared to that we are going to divorce. Hoe do I handle that?

It just kills me. I mean I thought we were actually making some progress.

I also noticed something. She had been wearing her hair long and curly the last couple of weeks. I know it is an effort to meet something I said on my EN q about physical appearance.

Her sister cuts and styles her hair. Yesterday after her appointment, I came home and her sister had straightened her hair. My wife started doing that this spring and summer at the beginning of her A. Anyway, she went straight again tonight. I just see her sister (who s my guts and will do about anything IMO to see our marraige end because of what she did) doing the hair thing just to tell her, go ahead, that is what you like, wear it that way.

BTW, it is 10:45 and still no word from her. I am more than ed. This is also what she does at the horse shows. She will go to a show and not call until the next morning so I will not know how long she was out.

WEll Mel,

Just as I posted she called and acted all nicey nice talking about how the long the wedding was and the bride and groom did not even get ot the reception until 9:15.

Then she tells me she stopped by her parents and is just leaving. Am I supposed to be ok with this. I am an unreasonable husband. I could have gone with her to the wedding and the party. I offered, but she said she did not want me going. Said I don't enjoy stuff like that and I make her misserable.

I told her I would have a good time even if I had to fake it. She would not think of it. It was like she got all dolled up, went to a wedding and party all by herself because she would have more fun that way.

I know we are struggling through stuff right now, but don't I have some feelings too?

Allowing her to disrespect you and walk all over you is not a part of Plan A, waiting. It is not a lovebuster to point out that her behavior is extremely cruel and disrespectful and out of line for a married woman. If she wants to act like a single woman, then she should go be one. However, she cannot expect all the benefits of married life if she intends on acting like a single woman.

Confronting her shabby, disrespectful behavior is not a lovebuster. A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty


Defending yourself from her disrespectful behavior is none of those unless you do it in a way that emcompasses a lovebuster. Plan A does not stand for "appeasement," after all.

Is it ok to handle during the daylight rather that late this evening before bed. One of the things our MC told us is to not discuss heavy things after 10pm so we are able to sleep and not have a restless night sleep. Of course I am probably going to have one either way.

I am sure she is sleeping in another bedroom. I am just frustrated.

waiting, have you read FormerlyGG's story? His w's extreme sense of entitlement is what led to her affairs and their subsequent divorce. He attributes his own behavior as a major contributor to her growing sense of entitlement by not setting appropriate boundaries to protect himself. Her put up with unbelievable cruelty that only increased and grew over the years. Had he put down his foot and protected himself earlier, she might not have grown into such a sad state that he could no longer be married to her.

Your W sounds very much like his in that she feels she is entitled to outrageously disrespectful behavior and then bullies you into silence. And you go along with it!


You have been PLAYED into agreeing to disrespectful treatment and have been manipulated into thinking you are the bad guy if you protest your disrespectful treatment.

Can you imagine if a woman came on here and said her H told her she couldn't go to a family party with him because she was boring as heII and made him miserable? Can you not recognize how cruel that is?

Sounds good.

Yes it can wait til the morning. In fact by sleeping on it you may more effectively deliver the message calmly rather than looking all hurt, desparate, jealous and needy tonight.

Mr. W

Waiting...

This is straight from the WW handbook. You'll get this tomorrow and the next day. Anytime you try to disrupt WS selfish self-absorb lives they will try to flip it around on you. They all say this and there are a ton of examples of responses on here...help me out folks.

Off the top of my head, some of the best responses to this I have seen are you standing up for yourself and saying:

Yes dear, however, the problem is not that my changes are permanent...it's that I have not changed enough. I am changing. My goal is to the best person, father, man and husband I can be...for you, me and the kids.

Yes dear, but I think I need to change some more and I would like your help with this as I try to figure this out...exactly...how or why should I find it acceptible that my wife gets gussied up and go to weddings and party's without me because my company will ruin my wifes evening (or whatever she said)? How would that make you feel????

I know it is hard to come up with this stuff on the fly but try to remember your wife is behaving like a used car salesman trying to manipulate you into buying and accepting her crappy behavior. Everytime you take down one avenue a good saleman will just ignore you and continue down another sales approach. Each time she takes another jab you must be prepared to turn it right back on her. Shine light on the hypocracy (sp?). If you read Dazed most recent posts he has gotten so much better at this in just the last few weeks.


Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

NO, you are not just like you have always been. You no longer agree to sit silently while she treats you with gross disrespect and cruelty. Instead you will object to her disrespectful, shabby treatment. You no longer agree to provide her the rightful benefits of a married woman while she openly rejects that lifestyle and refuses to act as a partner in the marriage.

So, unlike your old behavior where you set no protective boundaries for yourself, you no longer agree to sit silently while she treats you with disrespect.

W, I have said this to many men on this forum over the years and I will say it you: women do not respect men they can run over. And they do not love men they do not respect. Just keep this in mind if you have the urge to allow her run over you. Appeasement will get you nowhere, except the digust track, with most women.

I agree waiting, she is crossing the line into entitlement now.

I believe you have the right to say to her....something along these lines.

Wife, I felt very hurt, disrespected and disturbed that you went to the wedding and party last night with no thoughts of me. While the children and I decorated which is something that we usually do together. What makes you think you are so entitled to do something so hurtful to me & us? This is not what I meant by giving you freedom if that is what you are thinking. I don't like your independant behavior, it is very disrespectful and hurtful to me.

Would this be appropriate communication to her?

And what kind of boundary could he set?

Lady

Thanks guys,

I have been reading the posts on my phone but unable to post back. My wife came home at 11pm all nice and chipper. (We got our new lab puppy today from my brother) and she was all excited about printing some pictures to carry to church tommorow of our new pup. She told me about the wedding and was very talkative and upbeat. At one point I could have forgotten we had issues it seemed so pleasent. We knocked around downstairs and I let the puppy out. When I came back in she is cuddled up in the other bedroom reading and just smiles at me and says in a real chipper voice, good night.

I asked her if she would hold the pup while I showered so she would run around. We I came out all the lights are out and the pup is asleep with her and she says the puppy is having puppy dreams and she is ready for me to get her (the puppy that is) I cut on the bathroom light and I could not help it. I know I looked a bit down. I thought tonight she might, just might, come to our bed. In our entire married life she has only moved out of our bedroom maybe 3 times of which tonight is the 2nd of those 3.

She told me good night and sleep good. I told her to do the same, but I was going downstairs for awhile. She asked me why was I sad. I told her I just could not go to our bedroom at the moment.

I have been down here for 15 minutes now. Of course she has not come down to check on me or anything. Not that I thought she would, but I would have done that for her.

Is it normal for a WS to not want to sleep in the same bed with BS at this stage. Supposedly there is NC. I can't figure out why she would be opposed to sleeping in the same bed.

She is not opposed to me seeing her or anything.

Am I allowing something to take place that I should stand a little firmer on. My sons I can tell are not comfortable which her perching in the extra bedroom.

What should I do if anything? or do I just stay on what I am doing at the moment?

I do plan on talking to her about the wedding and party issue on Sunday. Thanks for the encouragement.

Phew.

Unfortunately I think the bedroom thing is her call at the moment.

The first night my wife was home, she made it very clear I was not going to bed with her. We had an arguement about it. In the end when I went to bed, I just slept on the office floor.

But the next day, I told her I didn't mind if we didn't sleep together in bed but that she was the one who could find somewhere else to sleep, not me.

So that night, she did sleep in the office on a mattress on the floor - not real comfortable.

The next morning, she packed it all away and we have shared our bed again ever since. I wasn't allowed to touch her in any way for a couple of weeks but she never again suggested sleeping apart.

In my case, she was in deep agonising withdrawal. I possibly should have made some concessions because of that but I didn't know anything about that because I hadn't seen this site and my expectation was that having come home she would be desperate to do anything to make up for her selfishness and pain inflicted on me. Uh huh. I also expected that she would hate the OM. Uh huh. So my thinking now is I was probably a bit tough on her at that time and I probably should have been more considerate.

But in my case, we did have SF 2 weeks after she came home even though she had no feelings for me at all. I can only imagine what that act of love from her to me cost her that night.

So on to your case. I would consider her behaviour as independent behaviour. She is making no attempts at all to finish withdrawal and is taking your release of her to mean she can live like she is single while still enjoying all the benefits of living at home. I agree with Mel and others on this.

Maybe it is time to ask her to move out until she is prepared to live as a married woman and make an attempt at reconcilliation. But also, what does SH say about all this?

Waiting....I think she is still trying to falsely prove to you that she is not happy with you, the same reason she went into a PA. She is just trying to make it last longer, not the PA, but your guilt for not making her happy for so many years...which probably isn't true either...but anyway.

I think she is just playing games...by the smile on her face as she said good-night in the other bedroom. She is being hard-headed, not wanting to give in. She loves you though, or she would be gone.

Her time of playing "room-mates" can only last so long before she gets sick of it herself.

Maybe you could say this to her....

Wife....It really hurts me that you sleep alone in the other bedroom. I would really love you to be in our bedroom.
We don't have to do anything at this time or even touch each other if you wouldn't like to, we could just sleep. I don't think it is healthy that our boys watch us sleep in seperate bedrooms, what does that say to them?

Lady