BK

I honestly don't know. One MC said to let it go for now. I have not talked to SH yet since this all came to the surface. I am due to speak to him again next week and I will bring it up to him.

I know at some point I will have to do what has been suggested by others. Mr. W wrote a great letter for my FIL to read and I may use that approach.

At the moment I just feel like I am in limbo. We talked last night for awhile. I asked her why was she sleeping in the other room? She said because she felt pressure in bed with me.

I asked her for what. She said SF, cuddling, etc..... She said she would like to have those feelings for me but does not and is not coming back into bedroom until she wants too. Not out of guilt or because I wanted it but because she wants too.

I told her I was afraid that would never happen with her current approach. We need some proximity to each other. I told her she would never get up in the middle of the night and want to cuddle if she had a thought about it because it was an effort to get out of bed, walk into our bedroom, crawl in bed with me, etc..... She actually listened to what I was saying, but still no change.

She basically said she knows she is being a b*tch and stubborn but she IS NOT moving back into our bedroom until SHE wants too. I just wanted to scream. She is not a selfish person but she being one now.

We exchanged our anniversary gifts last night. I looked long and hard for a card that would not be too serious and appear clingy. I went for a funny card with some nice quips. I also looked a long time for a gift and decided on a PIN/Necklace piece that was an Elephant with an ruby, emerald, Sapphire and diamond on it. It was small but I spent more than I should have but hey, it is an anniversary. She liked the card and the Pin and then she went upstairs and brought me my gift. I got a tie with our favorite college all over it. No card. The tie is nice, but what really hurt was the card issue.

She is a card buyer. She buys them months in advance looking for the right one. I asked her while we were talking why didn't she get me a card. She said she did not want me waving it in her face. I keep all the cards and letters she has written me and I have showed them to her when she goes into the rewritten history stuff. Apparently she did not want me to have something in writing I guess that said " I Love You".

I could not sleep again last night with the thoughts of how selfish she is. I am beginning to understand the point of plan B. Not that I need that at the moment or that is just around the corner but I am beginning to understand it.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out on this pace. I am having difficulty sleeping.

I am just tired and drained of energy. I need a boost. Something from her would pep me up greatly. I was so charged up 2 weeks ago for some reason and I have lost most of that.

With my WW she was, I feel, hedging her bets. She finally fessed up to not wanting to betray OM, I told her she had to either put in 100% to work M or she was not trying. I also had to laugh about the betraying OM thing as we've been married 17.5 yrs, known each other for 20yrs. I asked her to listen to herself and how silly what she said sounded.

Could this be part of the problem with your WW?

Waiting,
believe me I understand completely your hurt. Let me submit to you something I believe to be true.......these foggy statements that your W makes to you and the behaviors that she is engaging in is NOT about you. It is all about her and her character flaws. As hard as it is, these things are coming from someone that is indulging in self-destructive behavior. The pain I felt from my XW's behavior, was a result of me not being able to save her from herself. I knew it never was about me. The re-writing of history.....all that stuff that is meant to cause pain....it really is about them making them feel better about themselves. The bottom line is that your W doesnt like herself right now. She cant love you until she learns how to love herself. As my pastor told me....."life is really hard when you dont like who you are sleeping with and that person is yourself." Thats where she is right now. So, consider the source and as hard as it may be you have to realize that this crap isnt coming from your W....it is coming from Satan himself.
You have to be strong. You have to continue to apply the principles of MBing. Remember, divorce is the enemy of God. How do two dogs fight? They go for the throat of the enemy in order to deprive the enemy of air. So...what is the air for divorce? Hate......deprive the enemy of its air. It is so very hard to fight this battle. To seemingly remove one's emotions from the battle in order to win is indeed a tall order. But I believe you have to strive to do this. The battle is far from over. Time is on your side. You just have to continue to be strong. Also, look around you and look at all the blessings in your life. I am sure you will be able to count many. Be thankful for those blessings.

In my prayers,
Jeff

WCNTexas,

Thanks for sharing you thoughts. You are right the enemy is Satan, I just have a hard time not being hurt by that. It is like she is possesed by some evil being. I know that is not possible as she is a Christian, but it just seems like she is influenced and I know you are right. It is Satan.

I had not looked at it as you described it. The air and all.

I had not thought of her wanting to sleep by herself and an issue about her. That is very different way of looking at it. It does make sense.

Hi Waiting,

Just a thought here...

Google Prayer chains....there are many online, and by phone,
your church, friend churches.

One specifically that I know by phone is the 700 Club
1-800-759-0700.

Get everyone praying that you can.

Lady

Thanks Lady,


I have done the 700 Club and several church and online prayer requests. I really appreciate the suggestion. I will continue to look for others that will pray.

WOL

Well tonight I go home to another weekend of wonder. I have no idea what to expect. I am hopeful and prayerful that tonight or tomorrow something may change in her, but I am prepared for the most likely occurrence that it will not. I guess that is a safety valve for me. Not that I don't have faith or believe but just trying to keep grounded.

I saw something on another post today that made some sense. While Plan Aing the BS begins the process of coming out of a "fog". Not the same fog, but the fog of who we thought we were married to. Who we could trust unconditionally.

To my dismay, I know that to be as much of a fantasy as her A was. No marriage is safe from the perils of infidelity. It can happen to anyone. In fact the temptation is there for all. Satan hates the institution of marriage because it is something God holds in high regard for those that choose to marry so he (Satan) will do whatever he can to destroy it.

I guess all marriages are just one step away from becoming a victim of infidelity. I never thought it would happen to us and it did. I am all but begging close friends that know about what we are going through to not take their marriage for granted. I am pleading with them to come to the MB website and read and view posts. I am asking them to read Harley's books. Had I known what I know now, I probably could have prevented this horrible curse on my family. At least I think I would have been better prepared to see it coming if nothing else.

I was totally ignorant and I thought I knew so much.

I just got a call a moment ago from my wife. She actually has been baking cookies and asked me if I wanted to help her decorate them. I said yes I thought that would be fun and the kids would enjoy that too. She said even if they did not she was wondering if I would want to help her do them. You could have knocked me over with a feather !!! She actually asked me to do something with her. That is the 1st thing since D-day where she asked me to do something with her only.

Maybe this is a breakthrough. Praise God. I hope so.

Weeeeeee the recovery rollercoaster. Next thing ya' know she'll be asking for private bareback pony (or should I say Quarter-Horse) rides in your marital bedroom (snicker!snicker!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .... Maybe next month. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Have a good weekend.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-Just a warning. Sometimes expressions of happiness and contentment were preceeded with an OM fix. Put on your OM radar but don't confront or question her on it, just enjoy the recovery peaks and endure the valleys. Make as many Love Bank deposits as you can.

MW

You could be right. I am at home and she has taken our youngest DS to the movies and left oldest son and I here. Says we will do cookies when she returns. This morning just before lunch, maybe a couple of hours where I could not reach her. She could have been on the computer with him or on a phone. Who knows. I do remember thinking this year that I really looked forward to her going to horse shows because for 2 or 3 days prior to going, she was in the best mood.

Happy, lots of SF, etc... Now I know she was just giddy because she was looking forward to hooking up with OM.

Hopefully she just wants us to do something together. In our talk last night I told her nothing was going to happen until she and I had some proximately to each other. She told me she was listening. She actually was being sincere, I could tell from the look on her face. Maybe something in her clicked a little bit.

Thanks for helping keep me grounded. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS I sure wish I could have a ride in the bedroom. It has been a long long long time. Believe me, I have almost forgot what it was like. (Hope I didn't offend anyone and I am being serious) Thanks guys.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> WOL trying real hard.

You crack me up...I think you meant to say "proximity" and all "proximity" means is physical nearness. If she agreed to SF upon proximity than you got it made. I think I'll go home and try the proximity line on my wife. LOL



No O fence...I am king of the typo and rely weigh to munch on spellcheck...maybe you are out to dethrone me? I bedder watch my bak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W

Mr. W,

Your wright I do wont yore thrown. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding now. I am very bad about trusting spell check without proof reading.

BTW, We just finished doing cookies. I made some awesome Christmas trees with sprinkles on them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It actually was pretty fun. It's been a long time since I have done anything like that and a long time since she has wanted to do something with me. I could tell she was working at it, but she seemed to have fun. She is taking a bath and I am leaving to pickup our youngest (13) at the movies. They went to see Kong.

Hopefully the temp. at home is still improving when I return.

Good luck on the line tonight. Maybe your wife will be aggrreeaabbllee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's friday so I am a little giddy. But I was thinking of how excited you were to be baking cookies that maybe I'd throw out some additional suggestions.

Knitting, needlepoint, scrapbooking, ironing, vacuuming, and/or you can sit around and do each others fingernails and toenails. All fun things to do together.

I am totally teasing you. We BH take anything we can get. However, I do think you have to draw a firm "boundary" the second she insists on going to see the movie "Bareback Mountain", oops...just asked my wife it's called "Broadback Mountain".

Mr. W

Mr. W,

Thanks, you really know how to make a guy feel good about himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last night, nothing. She stayed in other room. Oh well, at least the cookies are good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We are going shopping for our son a vehicle to drive this weekend. Maybe we will have some connection or something.

I am not expecting a lot of traffic this weekend on the boards with it being the last shopping weekend before Christmas, so if I don't check back in I haven't fallen off the deep end.

Everyone, have a good weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well the weekend went OK. We were pretty busy. Not much happened positive or negative. Wife Friday and Saturday still sleeping in other bedroom but really no true affection or anything during the day. I think I got a token hug or something Friday night.

Sunday night my back was killing me from some pulled muscles or something. It has been bothering me since my hunting trip. I guess I went hunting out of shape. Anyway, I was hardly able to walk it was bothering me so bad. One time she fussed at me and said she was calling 911. She was mad because I had not already gone to the doctor.

I made it up to bed and crawled in bed. She was in our bedroom leaning over asking me what she could get me. I told her nothing. We talked about my back and what I thought the problem was. Again she was asking what she could get me for my back. I told her nothing. (What I wanted to say was you could massage and stretch me out, but I did not because if she was not going to offer, I did not want to ask her. She knows what the problem is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ).

She then goes in the other bedroom and gets her pillows and comes to bed and flops in bed and rolls her back to me. I asked her what was she doing and she said sleeping in her in case I need her since my back was bothering me so bad. I told her no your not. I don't want you in here out of pity or to nurse me. (What I wanted to say is my soul and heart has been hurting and you know it, why won't you come to bed because of that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ) She said no she was going to stay in bed in case I need her. I told her no mam, she is not. If she does not want to be in here because she wants to since that is what she has been saying, I don't want or need her to come to bed out of pity or nursing me and have her resent that.

I may have blown a chance by turning her away, but I did not want her in bed the way she presented it. She said she understood and went to the other bedroom and told me to call her if I needed her. I said OK and went to bed.

Woke up this morning feeling better and she came in to check on me and let the dog out.

Pretty much that was the weekend.

Did I do the right thing? or did I blow something? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lighten up, Francis;

You did not blow it but sending mixed signals is not really Plan A. You should take anything you can get. Your needs are pretty much irrelevant right now but yet she was willing to meet your needs and look after you. Just last week you were asking her to sleep in the same bedroom with you despite her not wanting to...what's the difference. Although she said she understood she likely walked out and gave you a big "WHATEVER".

I guess I'd call it a DJ (disrespectfull judgement) as you inferred that she really did not want to be in the room with you "for the right reasons" when in fact she may have. A "thank you" and an expression of "appreciation" like "you always knew how to take care of me" would have been a better Plan A response. Her "love bank" may have been open right then and yes, you may have missed an opportunity but AT LEAST getting opportunities is progress.

Focus on yourself and your actions only. Do not worry so much about what she does and why. Be the best husband you can be and let the chips fall where they may. Believe me, I know how hard your struggle is. Carry-on soldier with patience.

Your friend,
Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering

That was what I was afraid of, but I guess I was being hesitant [color:"blue"] because I have heard the crap from her like "I have done things in the past that I didn't want to and later had resentment about it ..... blah, blah, blah" and I did not want to hear it about that one [/color] I will choose my words more carefully next time.

Also ........

[color:"brown"]I forgot something that was particularly interesting from WW yesterday. At lunch we were eating with friends and the subject of our office came up and some employees.

To make a long story short, my wife made the comment. Well, I am sure L____a would never make a mistake like that being so perfect and all. Then gives me this smirky smile. I kinda looked at her and said huh? She said, "oh nothing" The other couple just kinda of laughed it off and my (former) BIL that was with us kinda laughed and rolled his eyes. Subject was changed. I never came back to that comment and did not ask her because frankly I did not want to get into something that could be perceived as LBing.

The female she referred to is my assistant. She is very a attractive, tall blond, single with a very perky fun personality. (No I am not thinking about doing anything, don't even go there ) She has worked for me for 1 and 1/2 yrs and my wife has never said anything like that. In fact prior to that I thought my wife saw her as the perfect employee and on more than one occasion my wife has made the statement that she does not feel threatened by any other females in our office. (we have several single attractive women working for us, not planned that way, just the way it goes, BTW, most of them divorced because of you guessed it. A's)

Anyway, why would she appear jealous or even fussy about another female that I think does a good job when she doesn't seem to give a wit about showing me any affection or love? [/color]

Just curious.

How do you keep from getting so lonely through Plan A with your spouse is giving nothing back. I am alone in bed, her in the other room and just so lonely I could cry. I am fighting depression something fierce. Fighting the good fight and want my wife back so bad.

What are ways to keep from feeling so lonely?

Waiting, I'm sorry for what you are going through, you & I are in pretty similar situations. I don't really have much advice to offer because of my situation. But you have my support & if you find a good answer please let me know. it seems like all I do any more is read all the post here to remind me there is always a chance & reminds me I am not alone.

Cliff

Waiting,
one thing that I did that helped tremendously was that I started making time for myself. I started going to the gym and working out 4-5 times a week. I would do some cardio and then lift weights. It did wonders for my self-image and allowed me to get my sleeping pattern back in order. I felt better and with more confidence. It really can take some of the edge off of your emotions at this point and help you see things more clearly. You might try it. I hope it will give you the same results. You have to take care of yourself during this battle. It is of extremely high importance.

Thanks Cliff and WCNTexas,

I really appreciate the response. I do pretty good during the days but the nights are pure h*ll. Last night I was up till after 2am. Could not sleep. That is why I jumped on the laptop.

This morning we are in the bathroom, she is in the tub I am in the shower, we are talking, getting dressed, etc... like nothing is wrong. Eat breakfast together, read paper, she calls me at work, like nothing is wrong. Just no affection, physical closeness or kisses goodbye. Everything seems OK except what she knows to be my top EN's.

It is just so lonely. I wish she could see that. puppy. I think she does, but either does not care or wants to hold out longer to make a point or something. I don't believe she has broken NC. Spiritually she seems to be coming around. She has agreed to sing O Holy Night as a solo at Church on Christmas morning. I don't think the sin of an on going affair would be something she could cover up emotionally and do that. She has been so averse to church and all throughout this process until recent weeks.

How do you know if the fog lifts?

How do you know if recovery has started?